honorine-第9章

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constancy　of　the　wife　lies　the　germ　of　the　mother's　devotion；　she
mistook　this　first　test　of　marriage　for　life　itself；　and　the
refractory　child　cursed　life；　unknown　to　me；　nor　daring　to　complain　to
me；　out　of　sheer　modesty　perhaps！　In　so　cruel　a　position　she　would　be
defenceless　against　any　man　who　stirred　her　deeply。And　I；　so　wise　a
judge　as　they　sayI；　who　have　a　kind　heart；　but　whose　mind　was
absorbedI　understood　too　late　these　unwritten　laws　of　the　woman's
code；　I　read　them　by　the　light　of　the　fire　that　wrecked　my　roof。　Then
I　constituted　my　heart　a　tribunal　by　virtue　of　the　law；　for　the　law
makes　the　husband　a　judge：　I　acquitted　my　wife；　and　I　condemned
myself。　But　love　took　possession　of　me　as　a　passion；　the　mean；
despotic　passion　which　comes　over　some　old　men。　At　this　day　I　love　the
absent　Honorine　as　a　man　of　sixty　loves　a　woman　whom　he　must　possess
at　any　cost；　and　yet　I　feel　the　strength　of　a　young　man。　I　have　the
insolence　of　the　old　man　and　the　reserve　of　a　boy。My　dear　fellow；
society　only　laughs　at　such　a　desperate　conjugal　predicament。　Where　it
pities　a　lover；　it　regards　a　husband　as　ridiculously　inept；　it　makes
sport　of　those　who　cannot　keep　the　woman　they　have　secured　under　the
canopy　of　the　Church；　and　before　the　Maire's　scarf　of　office。　And　I
had　to　keep　silence。

〃　'Serizy　is　happy。　His　indulgence　allows　him　to　see　his　wife；　he　can
protect　and　defend　her；　and；　as　he　adores　her；　he　knows　all　the
perfect　joys　of　a　benefactor　whom　nothing　can　disturb；　not　even
ridicule；　for　he　pours　it　himself　on　his　fatherly　pleasures。　〃I　remain
married　only　for　my　wife's　sake；〃　he　said　to　me　one　day　on　coming　out
of　court。

〃　'But　II　have　nothing；　I　have　not　even　to　face　ridicule；　I　who　live
solely　on　a　love　which　is　starving！　I　who　can　never　find　a　word　to　say
to　a　woman　of　the　world！　I　who　loathe　prostitution！　I　who　am　faithful
under　a　spell！But　for　my　religious　faith；　I　should　have　killed
myself。　I　have　defied　the　gulf　of　hard　work；　I　have　thrown　myself　into
it；　and　come　out　again　alive；　fevered；　burning；　bereft　of　sleep！'

〃I　cannot　remember　all　the　words　of　this　eloquent　man；　to　whom　passion
gave　an　eloquence　indeed　so　far　above　that　of　the　pleader　that；　as　I
listened　to　him；　I；　like　him；　felt　my　cheeks　wet　with　tears。　You　may
conceive　of　my　feelings　when；　after　a　pause；　during　which　we　dried
them　away；　he　finished　his　story　with　this　revelation：

〃　'This　is　the　drama　of　my　soul；　but　it　is　not　the　actual　living　drama
which　is　at　this　moment　being　acted　in　Paris！　The　interior　drama
interests　nobody。　I　know　it；　and　you　will　one　day　admit　that　it　is　so；
you；　who　at　this　moment　shed　tears　with　me；　no　one　can　burden　his
heart　or　his　skin　with　another's　pain。　The　measure　of　our　sufferings
is　in　ourselves。You　even　understand　my　sorrows　only　by　very　vague
analogy。　Could　you　see　me　calming　the　most　violent　frenzy　of　despair
by　the　contemplation　of　a　miniature　in　which　I　can　see　and　kiss　her
brow；　the　smile　on　her　lips；　the　shape　of　her　face；　can　breathe　the
whiteness　of　her　skin；　which　enables　me　almost　to　feel；　to　play　with
the　black　masses　of　her　curling　hair？Could　you　see　me　when　I　leap
with　hopewhen　I　writhe　under　the　myriad　darts　of　despairwhen　I
tramp　through　the　mire　of　Paris　to　quell　my　irritation　by　fatigue？　I
have　fits　of　collapse　comparable　to　those　of　a　consumptive　patient；
moods　of　wild　hilarity；　terrors　as　of　a　murderer　who　meets　a　sergeant
of　police。　In　short；　my　life　is　a　continual　paroxysm　of　fears；　joy；
and　dejection。

〃　'As　to　the　dramait　is　this。　You　imagine　that　I　am　occupied　with
the　Council　of　State；　the　Chamber；　the　Courts；　Politics。Why；　dear
me；　seven　hours　at　night　are　enough　for　all　that；　so　much　are　my
faculties　overwrought　by　the　life　I　lead！　Honorine　is　my　real　concern。
To　recover　my　wife　is　my　only　study；　to　guard　her　in　her　cage；　without
her　suspecting　that　she　is　in　my　power；　to　satisfy　her　needs；　to
supply　the　little　pleasure　she　allows　herself；　to　be　always　about　her
like　a　sylph　without　allowing　her　to　see　or　to　suspect　me；　for　if　she
did；　the　future　would　be　lost；that　is　my　life；　my　true　life。For
seven　years　I　have　never　gone　to　bed　without　going　first　to　see　the
light　of　her　night…lamp；　or　her　shadow　on　the　window　curtains。

〃　'She　left　my　house；　choosing　to　take　nothing　but　the　dress　she　wore
that　day。　The　child　carried　her　magnanimity　to　the　point　of　folly！
Consequently；　eighteen　months　after　her　flight　she　was　deserted　by　her
lover；　who　was　appalled　by　the　cold；　cruel；　sinister；　and　revolting
aspect　of　povertythe　coward！　The　man　had；　no　doubt；　counted　on　the
easy　and　luxurious　life　in　Switzerland　or　Italy　which　fine　ladies
indulge　in　when　they　leave　their　husbands。　Honorine　has　sixty　thousand
francs　a　year　of　her　own。　The　wretch　left　the　dear　creature　expecting
an　infant；　and　without　a　penny。　In　the　month　of　November　1820　I　found
means　to　persuade　the　best　/accoucheur/　in　Paris　to　play　the　part　of　a
humble　suburban　apothecary。　I　induced　the　priest　of　the　parish　in
which　the　Countess　was　living　to　supply　her　needs　as　though　he　were
performing　an　act　of　charity。　Then　to　hide　my　wife；　to　secure　her
against　discovery；　to　find　her　a　housekeeper　who　would　be　devoted　to
me　and　be　my　intelligent　confidanteit　was　a　task　worthy　of　Figaro！
You　may　suppose　that　to　discover　where　my　wife　had　taken　refuge　I　had
only　to　make　up　my　mind　to　it。

〃　'After　three　months　of　desperation　rather　than　despair；　the　idea　of
devoting　myself　to　Honorine　with　God　only　in　my　secret；　was　one　of
those　poems　which　occur　only　to　the　heart　of　a　lover　through　life　and
death！　Love　must　have　its　daily　food。　And　ought　I　not　to　protect　this
child；　whose　guilt　was　the　outcome　of　my　imprudence；　against　fresh
disasterto　fulfil　my　part；　in　short；　as　a　guardian　angel？At　the
age　of　seven　months　her　infant　died；　happily　for　her　and　for　me。　For
nine　months　more　my　wife　lay　between　life　and　death；　deserted　at　the
time　when　she　most　needed　a　manly　arm；　but　this　arm；'　said　he；　holding
out　his　own　with　a　gesture　of　angelic　dignity；　'was　extended　over　her
head。　Honorine　was　nursed　as　she　would　have　been　in　her　own　home。
When；　on　her　recovery；　she　asked　how　and　by　whom　she　had　been
assisted；　she　was　told〃By　the　Sisters　of　Charity　in　the　neighborhood
by　the　Maternity　Societyby　the　parish　priest；　who　took　an　interest
in　her。〃

〃　'This　woman；　whose　pride　amounts　to　a　vice；　has　shown　a　power　of
resistance　in　misfortune；　which　on　some　evenings　I　call　the　obstinacy
of　a　mule。　Honorine　was　bent　on　earning　her　living。　My　wife　works！　For
five　years　past　I　have　lodged　her　in　the　Rue　Saint…Maur；　in　a　charming
little　house；　where　she　makes　artificial　flowers　and　articles　of
fashion。　She　believes　that　she　sells　the　product　of　her　elegant
fancywork　to　a　shop；　where　she　is　so　well　paid　that　she　makes　twenty
francs　a　day；　and　in　these　six　years　she　had　never　had　a　moment's
suspicion。　She　pays　for　everything　she　needs　at　about　the　third　of　its
value；　so　that　on　six　thousand　francs　a　year　she　lives　as　if　she　had
fifteen　thousand。　She　is　devoted　to　flowers；　and　pays　a　hundred　crowns
to　a　gardener；　who　costs　me　twelve　hundred　in　wages；　and　sends　me　in　a
bill　for　two　thousand　francs　every　three　months。　I　have　promised　the
man　a　market…garden　with　a　house　on　it　close　to　the　porter's　lodge　in
the　Rue　Saint…Maur。　I　hold　this　ground　in　the　name　of　a　clerk　of　the
law　courts。　The　smallest　indiscretion　would　ruin　the　gardener's
prospects。　Honorine　has　her　little　house；　a　garden；　and　a　splendid
hothouse；　for　a　rent　of　five　hundred　francs　a　year。　There　she　lives
under　the　name　of　her　housekeeper；　Madame　Gobain；　the　old　woman　of
impeccable　discretion　whom　I　was　so　lucky　as　to　find；　and　whose
affection　Honorine　has　won。　But　her　zeal；　like　that　of　the　gardener；
is　kept　hot　by　the　promise　of　reward　at　the　moment　of　success。　The
porter　and　his　wife　cost　me　dreadfully　dear　for　the　same　reasons。
However；　for　three　years　Honorine　has　been　happy；　believing　that　she
owes　to　her　own　toil　all　the　luxury　of　flowers；　dress；　and　comfort。

〃　'Oh！　I　know　what　you　are　about　to　say；'　cried　the　Count；　seeing　a
question　in　my　eyes　and　on　my　lips。　'Yes；　yes；　I　have　made　the