the captives-第43章

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In　the　room　was　a　strange　scent　half　wine；　half　medicine；　and　beyond　that　the　plain　tang　of　apples　partially　eaten；　a　little　smell　of　oil　too　from　the　lampvery　faintly　the　figure　of　the　Christ　above　the　bed　was　visible。　Maggie　moved　forward　to　the　bed；　then　stopped　again。　She　did　not　know　what　to　do；　she　could　see　a　dark　shadow　on　the　pillow　that　must　she　knew　be　her　aunt's　hair；　and　yet　she　did　not　connect　that　with　her　aunt。　The　room　was　cold　and；　she　felt；　of　infinite　space。　The　smell　of　the　wine　and　the　medicine　made　her　shy　and　awkward　as　though　she　were　somewhere　where　she　should　not　be。

There　came　a　little　sigh；　and　then　a　very　quiet；　tired　voice。

〃Maggie；　is　that　you？〃

〃Yes；　Aunt　Anne。〃

She　came　very　close　to　the　bed；　and　suddenly；　as　though　a　curtain　had　been　drawn　back；　she　could　see　her　aunt's　large　eyes　and　white　sharp　face。

〃It　was　very　good　of　you；　dear；　to　come。　I　felt　ashamed　to　wake　you　up　at　such　an　hour；　but　I　wanted　you。　I　felt　that　only　you　must　be　with　me　to…night。　It　was　a　call　from　God。　I　felt　that　it　must　be　obeyed。　Sit　down；　dear。　There；　on　that　chair。　You're　not　cold；　are　you？〃

Maggie　sat　down；　gathering　her　dressing…gown　close　about　her。　She　was　not　even　now　drawn　right　out　of　her　dream；　and　the　room　seemed　fantastic；　to　rise　and　fall　a　little；　and　to　be　filled　with　sound；　just　out　of　hearing。　For　a　time　she　was　so　sleepy　that　she　nodded　on　her　chair；　and　the　green　lamp　swelled　and　quivered　and　the　very　bed　seemed　to　sway　in　the　dark；　but　soon　the　cold　air　cleared　her　head；　and　she　was　wide　awake；　staring　before　her　at　the　grey　window…panes。　Her　aunt　did　not　for　a　long　time　speak　again。　Maggie　sat　there　her　mind　a　maze　of　the　Chapel；　old　Crashaw；　Miss　Avies；　and　Martin。　Slowly　the　cold　crept　into　her　feet　and　her　hands；　but　her　head　now　was　burning　hot。　Then　suddenly　her　aunt　began　to　talk　in　a　dreamy　rather　lazy　voice；　not　her　natural　daily　tone　which　was　always　very　sharp　and　clear。　She　talked　on　and　on；　sometimes　her　sentences　were　confused　and　unfinished；　sometimes　they　seemed　to　Maggie　to　have　no　meaning；　once　or　twice　the　voice　dropped　so　low　that　Maggie　did　not　catch　the　words；　but　always　there　was　especial　urgency　behind　the　carelessness　as　though　every　word　were　being　spoken　for　a　listener's　benefita　listener　who　sat　perhaps　with　pencil　and　notebook　somewhere　in　the　dark　behind　them。

〃So　sorry　。　。　。　so　sorry；　Maggie　dear　。　。　。　so　sorry；〃　the　words　ran　up　and　down。　〃I　hadn't　meant　to　take　you　away　before　the　service　was　over。　Elizabeth　could　have　。　。　。　sometimes　my　pain　is　very　bad　and　I　have　to　lie　down；　you　know。　But　it's　nothingnothing　reallyonly　I'm　glad；　rather；　that　you　should　share　all　our　little　troubles；　because　then　you'll　know　us　better；　won't　you？　Dear　Maggie；　there's　been　something　between　us　all　this　time；　hasn't　there？　Ever　since　our　first　meetingand　it's　partly　been　my　fault。　I　wasn't　good　at　first；　I　wanted　to　be　kind；　but　I　was　stiff　and　shy。　You　wouldn't　think　that　I'm　shy？　I　am；　terribly。　I　always　have　been　since　I　was　very　little；　and　just　to　enter　a　room　when　other　people　are　there　makes　me　so　embarrassed　。　。　。　I　remember　once　when　mother　was　alive　her　scolding　me　because　I　wouldn't　come　in　to　a　tea…party。　But　I　couldn't；　I　stood　outside　the　door　in　an　agony；　doing　everything　to　make　myself　go　inbut　I　couldn't　。　。　。　But　now　I've　come　to　love　you；　dear；　although　of　course　you　have　your　faults。　But　they　are　faults　of　your　age；　carelessness；　selfishness。　They　are　nothing　in　the　eyes　of　God；　who　understands　all　our　weaknesses。　And　you　must　learn　to　know　Him；　dear。　That　is　my　only　prayer　now。　If　I　am　taken；　if　I　go　before　the　great　dayif　it　be　His　willthen　I　pray　always；　now　that　I　may　leave　you　in　my　place；　waiting　for　Him　as　I　have　waited；　trusting　Him　as　I　have　trusted　。　。　。　you　saw　to…night　what　it　means　to　us；　what　it　must　mean　to　any　one　who　has　listened。　There　were　times；　years　ago；　when　I　had　not　turned　to　God；　when　I　did　not　care；　when　I　thought　of　earthly　love　。　。　。　God　drew　me　to　Himself　。　。　。　You　too　must　come；　Maggieyou　must　come。　You　mustn't　stay　outsideyou　are　asked；　you　are　invitedperhaps　you　will　be　compelled　。　。　。〃

The　voice　sank：　Maggie's　teeth　chattered　in　her　head　from　the　cold；　and　her　foot　had　gone　to　sleep。　She　felt　obstinate　and　rebellious　and　frightened；　she　could　not　think　clearly；　and　the　words　that　came　from　her；　suddenly；　seemed　to　her　not　to　be　her　own。

〃Aunt　Anne；　I　want　to　do　everything　that　you　and　Aunt　Elizabeth　think　I　should；　but　I　must　be　myself；　mustn't　I？　I'm　grown　up　now；　I've　got　my　three　hundred　pounds　and　I　don't　think　I　want　to　be　religious。　I'm　very　grateful　to　you　and　Aunt　Elizabeth；　but　I'm　not　a　help　to　you　much；　I'm　afraid。　I　know　I'm　very　careless；　I　do　want　to　be　better；　and　that's　all　the　more　reason；　perhaps；　why　I　should　go　out　and　earn　my　own　living。　I'd　learn　more　quickly　then。　But　I　do　love　you　and　Aunt　Elizabeth　。　。　。〃

She　broke　off；　she　did　not　love　them。　She　knew　that　she　did　not。　The　only　human　being　in　all　the　world　whom　she　loved　was　Martin。　Nevertheless　there　did　come　to　her　suddenly　then　a　new　tenderness　for　her　aunt；　the　actual　sight　of　her　pain　in　the　Chapel　had　deeply　touched　her　and　now　her　eagerness　for　escape　was　mingled　with　a　longing　to　be　affectionate　and　good。

But　Aunt　Anne　did　not　seem　to　have　heard。

〃Are　you　sure　you're　not　cold；　dear？〃

〃No；　aunt。〃

Their　hands　touched。

〃But　you　are。　Put　that　rug　over　you。　That　one　at　the　end　of　the　bed。　I'm　quiet　now。　I　think　perhaps　I　shall　sleep　a　little。〃

〃Is　there　anything　I　can　do？〃

〃Perhaps　turn　the　lamp　down；　dear。　That's　it。　A　little　more。　Now；　if　you'd　just　raise　my　pillow。　There；　behind　my　head。　That's　the　way！　Why；　what　a　good　nurse　you　are！〃

Maggie；　as　tenderly　as　she　could；　turned　the　pillow；　patted　it；　placed　it　beneath　her　aunt's　head。　She　was　close　against　her　aunt's　face；　and　the　eyes　seemed　suddenly　so　fierce　and　urgent；　so　insistent　and　powerful；　that　seeing　them　was　like　the　discovery　of　some　blazing　fire　in　an　empty　house。　Most　of　all；　they　were　terrified　eyes。　Maggie　went　back　to　her　chair。　After　that；　she　sat　there　during　the　slow　evolution　of　Eternity；　Eternity　unrolled　itself　before　her；　on　and　on　and　on；　grey　limitless　mist　and　space；　comfortless；　lifeless；　hopeless。　She　had　been　for　many　weeks　leading　a　thoroughly　unwholesome　life　in　that　old　house　with　those　old　women。　She　did　not　herself　know　how　unhealthy　it　had　been；　but　she　knew　that　she　missed　the　wide　fields　and　downs　of　Glebeshire；　the　winds　that　blew　from　the　sea　round　Borhedden；　the　air　that　swirled　and　raced　up　and　down　the　little　stony　strata　of　St。　Dreot。　Now　she　had　been　kept　indoors；　had　had　no　fun　of　any　kind；　had　looked　forward　to　Mr。　Magnus　as　her　chief　diversion。　Then　Martin　had　come；　and　suddenly　she　had　seen　how　dangerously　her　life　was　hemming　her　in。　She　was　losing　courage。　She　would　soon　be　afraid　to　speak　for　herself　at　all；　she　would　soon　。　。　。

In　a　panic　at　these　thoughts；　and　feeling　as　though　some　one　was　trying　to　push　her　down　into　a　coffin　whilst　she　was　still　alive；　she　began　hurriedly　to　speak；　although　she　did　not　know　whether　her　aunt　were　asleep　or　no。

〃I　think　I　ought　to　tell　you；　Aunt　Anne；　that　I　wrote　a　letter　some　days　ago　and　posted　it　myself。　It　was　to　a　lady　who　knew　Father　once　in　Glebeshire；　and　she　said　that　if　ever　I　wanted　help　I　was　to　write　to　her；　and　soalthough　perhaps　I　oughtn't　to　have　done　it　without　asking　you　first；　still　I　was　afraid　you　mightn't　want　me　toso　I　sent　it。　I　wouldn't　like　to　hurt　your　feelings；　Aunt　Anne；　and　it　isn't　that　I'm　not　happy　with　you　and　Aunt　Elizabeth；　but　I　ought　to　be　earning　my　own　living；　oughtn't　I？　And　I've　only　got　my　three　hundred　pounds；　haven't　I？　I'm　not　complaining；　but　I　don't　know　about　anything　yet；　do　I？　I　can't　even　find　my　way　when　I'm　out　with　Aunt　Elizabeth。　And　I'm　afraid　I'll　never　be　really　good　enough　to　be　religious。　Perhaps　if　Father'd　wanted　me　to　be　I　might　be　now；　but　he　never　cared　。　。　。　I　hope　you　won't　be　angry；　Aunt　Anne；　but　I　didn't　like　to…nightI　didn't　really。　When　I　was　there　I　thought　that　soon　I'd　begin　to　cry　like　the　others；　but　it　was　only　because　every　one　else　was　cryingnot　because　I　wanted　to。　I　hope　you