the captives-第124章

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bitants　furtive　and　sinister。

The　things　that　those　inhabitants　did　were　made　quite　plain　to　her。　She　saw　the　dancing　saloons；　the　women　naked　and　laughing；　the　men　drunken　and　besotted；　the　gambling；　the　quarrelling；　drugging；　suicideall　under　a　half…dead　sky；　stinking　and　offensive。

One　day；　at　last；　she　laughed。

〃Martin；〃　she　cried；　〃don't　let's　be　so　serious　about　it。　You　can't　want　to　go　back　to　that　lifeit's　so　dull。　At　first　I　was　frightened；　but　now！why　it's　all　the　same　thing　over　and　over　again。〃

〃I'm　only　telling　you；〃　he　said；　〃I　don't　say　that　I　do　want　to　go　back　again。　I　don't　want　anything　except　for　you　to　go　away。　I　just　want　to　go　to　hell　my　own　fashion。〃

〃You　talk　so　much　about　going　to　hell；〃　she　said。　〃Why；　for　ten　days　now　you've　spoken　of　nothing　else。　There　are　other　places；　you　know。〃

〃You　clear　out　and　get　back　to　your　parson；〃　he　said。　〃You　must　see　from　what　I've　told　you　it　isn't　any　good　your　staying。　I've　no　money。　My　health's　gone　all　to　billyoh！　I　don't　want　to　get　better。　Why　should　I？　Perhaps　I　did　love　you　a　little　bitoncein　a　queer　way；　but　that's　all　gone　now。　I　don't　love　any　one　on　this　earth。　I　just　want　to　get　rid　of　this　almighty　confusion　going　on　in　my　head。　I　can't　rest　for　it。　I'd　finish　myself　off　if　I　had　pluck　enough。　I　just　haven't。〃

〃Martin；〃　she　said；　〃why　did　you　write　all　those　letters　to　me？〃

〃What　letters？〃　he　asked。

〃Those　that　Amy　stoppedthe　ones　from　abroad。〃

〃Oh；　I　don't　know；〃　he　looked　away　from　her。　〃I　was　a　bit　lonely；　I　suppose。〃

〃Tell　me　another　thing；〃　she　said。　〃These　weeks　I've　been　here　have　I　bored　you　？〃

〃I've　been　too　ill　to　tell　。　。　。　How　do　I　know？　Well；　no；　you　haven't。　You're　such　a　queer　kid。　You're　different　from　any　other　humanutterly　different。　No；　you　haven't　bored　mebut　don't　think　from　that　I　like　having　you　here。　I　don'tyou　remind　me　of　the　old　life。　I　don't　want　to　think　of　it　more　than　I　must。　You'll　admit　I've　been　trying　to　scare　you　stiff　in　all　I've　told　you；　and　I　haven't　scared　you。　It's　true；　most　of　it；　but　it　isn't　so　damned　sensational　as　I've　tried　to　make　it　。　。　。　But；　all　the　same；　what's　the　use　of　your　staying？　I　don't　love　you；　and　I'm　never　likely　to。　I've　told　you　long　ago　you're　not　the　sort　of　woman　to　attract　me　physically。　You　never　did。　You're　more　like　a　boy。　Why　should　you　ruin　your　own　life　when　there's　nothing　to　gain　by　it？　You　will　ruin　it；　you　know；　staying　on　here　with　me。　Every　one　thinks　we're　living　together。　Have　you　heard　from　your　parson？〃

〃Yes；〃　said　Maggie。

〃What　does　he　say？〃

〃He　says　I've　got　to　go　back　at　once。〃

〃Well；　there　you　are。〃

〃But　don't　you　see；　Martin；　I　shouldn't　go　back　to　him　even　if　I　left　you。　I've　quite　decided　that。　He'll　never　be　happy　with　me　unless　I　love　him；　which　I　can't　do；　and　there's　his　sister　who　hates　me。　And　he's　just　rooted　in　Skeaton。　I　can't　live　there　after　Uncle　Mathew！〃

〃Tell　me　about　that。〃

〃No；〃　she　said；　shrinking　back。　〃I'll　never　tell　any　one。　Not　even　you。〃

〃Now；　look　here；〃　he　went　on；　after　a　pause。　〃You　must　see　how　hopeless　it　is；　Maggie。　You've　got　nothing　to　get　out　of　it。　As　soon　as　I'm　well　enough　I　shall　go　off　and　leave　you。　You　can't　follow　me；　hunting　me　everywhere。　You　must　see　that。〃

〃Yes；　but　what　you　don't；　Martin；　see；〃　she　answered　him；　〃is　that　I've　got　some　right　to　think　of　my　own　happiness。　It's　quite　true　what　you　say；　that　if　you　get　well　and　decide　you　don't　want　to　see　me　I　won't　follow　you。　Of　course　I　won't。　Perhaps　one　day　you　will　want　me　all　the　same。　But　I'm　happy　only　with　you；　and　so　long　as　I　don't　bore　you　I'm　going　to　stay。　I've　always　been。　wrong　with　every　one　else；　stupid　and　doing　everything　I　shouldn't。　But　with　you　it　isn't　so。　I'm　not　stupid；　and　however　you　behave　I'm　happy。　I　can't　help　it。　It's　just　so。〃

〃But　how　can　you　be　happy？〃　he　said；　〃I'm　not　the　sort　for　any　one　to　be　happy　with。　When　I've　been　drinking　I'm　impossible。　I'm　sulky　and　lazy；　and　I　don't　want　to　be　any　better　either。　You　may　think　you're　happy　these　first　few　weeks；　but　you　won't　be　later　on。〃

〃Let's　try；〃　said　Maggie；　laughing。　〃Here's　a　bargain；　Martin。　You　say　I　don't　bore　you。　I'll　stay　with　you　until　you're　quite　well。　Then　if　you　don't　want　me　I'll　go　and　not　bother　you　until　you　ask　for　me。　Is　that　a　bargain？〃

〃You'd　much　better　not；〃　he　said。

〃Oh；　don't　think　I'm　staying；〃　she　answered；　〃because　I　think　you　so　splendid　that　I　can't　leave　you。　I　don't　think　you　splendid　at　all。　And　it's　not　because　I　think　myself　splendid　either。　I'm　being　quite　selfish　about　it。　I'm　staying　simply　because　I'm　happier　so。〃

〃You'd　much　better　not；〃　he　repeated。

〃Is　that　a　bargain？〃

〃Yes；　if　you　like；〃　he　answered；　looking　at　her　with　puzzled　eyes。　It　was　the　first　long　conversation　that　they　had　had。　After　it；　he　was　no　nicer　than　before。　He　never　kissed　her；　he　never　touched　her；　he　seldom　talked　to　her；　when　she　talked；　he　seemed　to　be　little　interested。　For　hours　he　lay　there；　looking　in　front　of　him；　saying　nothing。　When　the　little　doctor　came　they　wrangled　and　fought　together　but　seemed　to　like　one　another。

Through　it　all　Maggie　could　see　that　he　was　riddled　with　deep　shame　and　self…contempt　and　haunted；　always；　by　the　thought　of　his　father。　She　longed　to　speak　to　him　about　his　father's　death；　but　as　yet　she　did　not　dare。　If　once　she　could　persuade　him　that　that　had　not　been　his　fault；　she　could；　she　thought；　really　help　him。　That　was　the　secret　canker　at　his　heart　and　she　could　not　touch　it。

Strangely；　as　the　days　passed；　the　years　that　had　been　added　to　him　since　their　last　meeting　seemed　to　fall　away。　He　became　to　her　more　and　more　the　boy　that　he　had　been　when　she　had　known　him　before。　In　a　thousand　ways　he　showed　it；　his　extraordinary　youth　and　inexperience　in　spite　of　all　that　he　had　been　and　done。　She　felt　older　now　than　he　and　she　loved　him　the　more　for　that。　Most　of　all　she　longed　to　get　him　away　from　this　place　where　he　was。　Then　one　day　little　Abrams　said　to　her：

〃He'll　never　get　well　here。〃

〃That's　what　I　think；〃　she　said。

〃Can't　you　carry　him　off　somewhere？　The　country's　the　place　for　him…　…somewhere　in　the　South。〃

Her　heart　leapt。

〃Oh；　Glebeshire！〃　she　cried。

〃Well；　that's　not　a　bad　place；〃　he　said。　〃That　would　pick　him　up。〃

At　once　she　thought；　night　and　day；　of　St。　Dreot's。　A　very　hunger　possessed　her　to　get　back　there。　And　why　not？　For　one　thing；　it　would　be　so　much　cheaper。　Her　money　would　not　last　for　ever；　and　Mrs。　Brandon　robbed　her　whenever　possible。　She　determined　that　she　would　manage　it。　At　last；　greatly　fearing　it；　she　mentioned　it　to　him；　and　to　her　surprise　he　did　not　scorn　it。

〃I　don't　care；〃　he　said；　looking　at　her　with　that　curious　puzzled　expression　that　she　often　saw　now　in　his　eyes；　〃I'm　sick　of　this　room。　That's　a　bargain；　Maggie；　you　can　put　me　where　you　like　until　I'm　well。　Then　I'm　off。〃

She　had　a　strange　superstition　that　Borhedden　was　fated　to　see　her　triumph。　She　had　wandered　round　the　world　and　now　was　returning　again　to　her　own　home。　She　remembered　a　Mrs。　Bolitho　who　had　had　the　farm　in　her　day。　She　wrote　to　her；　and　two　days　later　received　a　letter　saying　that　there　was　room　for　them　at　Borhedden　if　they　wished。

She　was　now　all　feverish　impatience。　Dr。　Abrams　said　that　Martin　could　be　moved　if　they　were　very　careful。　All　plans　were　made。　Mrs。　Brandon　and　the　ugly　little　doctor　both　seemed　quite　sorry　that　they　were　going；　and　Emily　even　sniffed　and　wiped　her　eye　with　the　corner　of　her　apron。　The　world　seemed　now　to　be　turning　a　different　face　to　Maggie。　Human　beings　liked　her　and　were　no　longer　suspicious　to　her　as　they　had　been　before。

She　felt　herself　how　greatly　she　had　changed。　It　was　as　though；　until　she　had　found　Martin　again；　everything　had　been　tied　up　in　her；　constrained。　She　had　been　some　one　lost　and　desolate。　Nevertheless；　how　difficult　these　days　were！　Through　all　this　time　she　spoke　to　him　no　affectionate　word　nor　touched　him　with　an　affectionate　gesture。　She　was　simply　a　good…humoured　companion；　laughing　at　him；　assuming；　through　it　all；　an　off…hand　indifference　that　meant　for　her　so　difficult　a　pretence　that　she　thought　he　must　discover　it。　He　did　not；　he　was　in　many　ways　mo