the red badge of courage(红色英勇勋章)-第42章
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gayly with music。 It was pleasure to watch these things。 He spent
delightful minutes viewing the gilded images of memory。
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He saw that he was good。 He recalled with a thrill of joy the
respectful comments of his fel… lows upon his conduct。
Nevertheless； the ghost of his flight from the first engagement
appeared to him and danced。 There were small shoutings in his brain
about these matters。 For a moment he blushed； and the light of his soul
flickered with shame。
A specter of reproach came to him。 There loomed the dogging
memory of the tattered soldierhe who； gored by bullets and faint for
blood； had fretted concerning an imagined wound in another； he who had
loaned his last of strength and intellect for the tall soldier； he who； blind
with weariness and pain； had been deserted in the field。
For an instant a wretched chill of sweat was upon him at the thought
that he might be detected in the thing。 As he stood persistently before his
vision； he gave vent to a cry of sharp irritation and agony。
His friend turned。 〃What's the matter； Henry？〃 he demanded。 The
youth's reply was an outburst of crimson oaths。
As he marched along the little branch…hung roadway among his
prattling companions this vision of cruelty brooded over him。 It clung
near him always and darkened his view of these deeds in purple and gold。
Whichever way his thoughts turned they were followed by the somber
phantom of the desertion in the fields。 He looked stealthily at his
companions； feeling sure that they must discern in his face evidences of
this pursuit。 But they were plodding in ragged array； discussing with
quick tongues the accomplishments of the late battle。
〃Oh； if a man should come up an' ask me； I'd say we got a dum good
lickin'。〃
〃Lickin'in yer eye！ We ain't licked； sonny。 We're goin' down here
aways； swing aroun'； an' come in behint 'em。〃
〃Oh； hush； with your comin' in behint 'em。 I've seen all 'a that I wanta。
Don't tell me about comin' in behint〃
〃Bill Smithers； he ses he'd rather been in ten hundred battles than been
in that heluva hospital。 He ses they got shootin' in th' night… time； an'
shells dropped plum among 'em in th' hospital。 He ses sech hollerin' he
never see。〃
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〃Hasbrouck？ He's th' best off'cer in this here reg'ment。 He's a
whale。〃
〃Didn't I tell yeh we'd come aroun' in behint 'em？ Didn't I tell yeh so？
We〃
〃Oh； shet yeh mouth！〃
For a time this pursuing recollection of the tattered man took all
elation from the youth's veins。 He saw his vivid error； and he was afraid
that it would stand before him all his life。 He took no share in the chatter
of his comrades； nor did he look at them or know them； save when he felt
sudden suspicion that they were seeing his thoughts and scrutinizing each
detail of the scene with the tattered soldier。
Yet gradually he mustered force to put the sin at a distance。 And at
last his eyes seemed to open to some new ways。 He found that he could
look back upon the brass and bombast of his earlier gospels and see them
truly。 He was gleeful when he discovered that he now despised them。
With this conviction came a store of assur… ance。 He felt a quiet
manhood； nonassertive but of sturdy and strong blood。 He knew that he
would no more quail before his guides wher… ever they should point。 He
had been to touch the great death； and found that； after all； it was but the
great death。 He was a man。
So it came to pass that as he trudged from the place of blood and wrath
his soul changed。 He came from hot plowshares to prospects of clover
tranquilly； and it was as if hot plowshares were not。 Scars faded as
flowers。
It rained。 The procession of weary soldiers became a bedraggled
train； despondent and muttering； marching with churning effort in a trough
of liquid brown mud under a low； wretched sky。 Yet the youth smiled；
for he saw that the world was a world for him； though many discovered it
to be made of oaths and walking sticks。 He had rid himself of the red
sickness of battle。 The sultry nightmare was in the past。 He had been an
animal blistered and sweating in the heat and pain of war。 He turned now
with a lover's thirst to images of tranquil skies； fresh meadows； cool
brooksan existence of soft and eternal peace。
Over the river a golden ray of sun came through the hosts of leaden
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rain clouds。
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