crime and punishment(罪与罚)-第25章
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the practical； purely material difficulties of the affair occupied a
secondary position in his mind。 〃One has but to keep all one's will
power and reason to deal with them； and they will all be overcome at
the time when once one has familiarised oneself with the minutest
details of the business。。。。〃 But this preparation had never been
begun。 His final decisions were what he came to trust least； and
when the hour struck； it all came to pass quite differently； as it
were accidentally and unexpectedly。
One trifling circumstance upset his calculations； before he had even
left the staircase。 When he reached the landlady's kitchen； the door
of which was open as usual； he glanced cautiously in to see whether；
in Nastasya's absence； the landlady herself was there； or if not；
whether the door to her own room was closed； so that she might not
peep out when he went in for the axe。 But what was his amazement
when he suddenly saw that Nastasya was not only at home in the
kitchen； but was occupied there； taking linen out of a basket and
hanging it on a line。 Seeing him； she left off hanging the clothes；
turned to him and stared at him all the time he was passing。 He turned
away his eyes； and walked past as though he noticed nothing。 But it
was the end of everything； he had not the axe！ He was overwhelmed。
〃What made me think；〃 he reflected； as he went under the gateway；
〃what made me think that she would be sure not to be at home at that
moment！ Why； why； why did I assume this so certainly？〃
He was crushed and even humiliated。 He could have laughed at himself
in his anger。。。。 A dull animal rage boiled within him。
He stood hesitating in the gateway。 To go into the street； to go for
a walk for appearance sake was revolting； to go back to his room； even
more revolting。 〃And what a chance I have lost for ever！〃 he muttered；
standing aimlessly in the gateway； just opposite the porter's little
dark room； which was also open。 Suddenly he started。 From the porter's
room； two paces away from him； something shining under the bench to
the right caught his eye。。。。 He looked about him… nobody。 He
approached the room on tiptoe； went down two steps into it and in a
faint voice called the porter。 〃Yes； not at home！ Somewhere near
though； in the yard； for the door is wide open。〃 He dashed to the
axe （it was an axe） and pulled it out from under the bench； where it
lay between two chunks of wood； at once before going out； he made it
fast in the noose； he thrust both hands into his pockets and went
out of the room； no one had noticed him！ 〃When reason fails； the devil
helps！〃 he thought with a strange grin。 This chance raised his spirits
extraordinarily。
He walked along quietly and sedately； without hurry； to avoid
awakening suspicion。 He scarcely looked at the passers…by； tried to
escape looking at their faces at all； and to be as little noticeable
as possible。 Suddenly he thought of his hat。 〃Good heavens！ I had
the money the day before yesterday and did not get a cap to wear
instead！〃 A curse rose from the bottom of his soul。
Glancing out of the corner of his eye into a shop； he saw by a clock
on the wall that it was ten minutes past seven。 He had to make haste
and at the same time to go someway round； so as to approach the
house from the other side。。。。
When he had happened to imagine all this beforehand； he had
sometimes thought that he would be very much afraid。 But he was not
very much afraid now； was not afraid at all； indeed。 His mind was even
occupied by irrelevant matters； but by nothing for long。 As he
passed the Yusupov garden； he was deeply absorbed in considering the
building of great fountains； and of their refreshing effect on the
atmosphere in all the squares。 By degrees he passed to the
conviction that if the summer garden were extended to the field of
Mars； and perhaps joined to the garden of the Mihailovsky Palace； it
would be a splendid thing and a great benefit to the town。 Then he was
interested by the question why in all great towns men are not simply
driven by necessity； but in some peculiar way inclined to live in
those parts of the town where there are no gardens nor fountains；
where there is most dirt and smell and all sorts of nastiness。 Then
his own walks through the Hay Market came back to his mind； and for
a moment he waked up to reality。 〃What nonsense！〃 he thought；
〃better think of nothing at all！〃
〃So probably men led to execution clutch mentally at every object
that meets them on the way；〃 flashed through his mind； but simply
flashed； like lightning； he made haste to dismiss this thought。。。。 And
by now he was near； here was the house； here was the gate。 Suddenly
a clock somewhere struck once。 〃What！ can it be half…past seven？
Impossible； it must be fast！〃
Luckily for him； everything went well again at the gates。 At that
very moment； as though expressly for his benefit； a huge waggon of hay
had just driven in at the gate； completely screening him as he
passed under the gateway； and the waggon had scarcely had time to
drive through into the yard； before he had slipped in a flash to the
right。 On the other side of the waggon he could hear shouting and
quarrelling； but no one noticed him and no one met him。 Many windows
looking into that huge quadrangular yard were open at that moment； but
he did not raise his head… he had not the strength to。 The staircase
leading to the old woman's room was close by； just on the right of the
gateway。 He was already on the stairs。。。。
Drawing a breath； pressing his hand against his throbbing heart； and
once more feeling for the axe and setting it straight； he began softly
and cautiously ascending the stairs； listening every minute。 But the
stairs； too； were quite deserted； all the doors were shut； he met no
one。 One flat indeed on the first floor was wide open and painters
were at work in it； but they did not glance at him。 He stood still；
thought a minute and went on。 〃Of course it would be better if they
had not been here； but。。。 it's two storeys above them。〃
And there was the fourth storey； here was the door； here was the
flat opposite； the empty one。 The flat underneath the old woman's
was apparently empty also； the visiting card nailed on the door had
been torn off… they had gone away！。。。 He was out of breath。 For one
instant the thought floated through his mind 〃Shall I go back？〃 But he
made no answer and began listening at the old woman's door； a dead
silence。 Then he listened again on the staircase； listened long and
intently。。。 then looked about him for the last time； pulled himself
together； drew himself up； and once more tried the axe in the noose。
〃Am I very pale？〃 he wondered。 〃Am I not evidently agitated？ She is
mistrustful。。。。 Had I better wait a little longer。。。 till my heart
leaves off thumping？〃
But his heart did not leave off。 On the contrary； as though to spite
him； it throbbed more an
