crime and punishment(罪与罚)-第105章
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Sonia was agitated again and even angry； as though a canary or some
other little bird were to be angry。 〃And what could she do？ What； what
could she do？〃 she persisted； getting hot and excited。 〃And how she
cried to…day！ Her mind is unhinged； haven't you noticed it？ At one
minute she is worrying like a child that everything should be right
to…morrow； the lunch and all that。。。。 Then she is wringing her
hands； spitting blood； weeping； and all at once she will begin
knocking her head against the wall； in despair。 Then she will be
comforted again。 She builds all her hopes on you； she says that you
will help her now and that she will borrow a little money somewhere
and go to her native town with me and set up a boarding school for the
daughters of gentlemen and take me to superintend it； and we will
begin a new splendid life。 And she kisses and hugs me； comforts me；
and you know she has such faith； such faith in her fancies！ One
can't contradict her。 And all the day long she has been washing；
cleaning； mending。 She dragged the wash tub into the room with her
feeble hands and sank on the bed； gasping for breath。 We went this
morning to the shops to buy shoes for Polenka and Lida for theirs
are quite worn out。 Only the money we'd reckoned wasn't enough； not
nearly enough。 And she picked out such dear little boots； for she
has taste； you don't know。 And there in the shop she burst out
crying before the shopmen because she hadn't enough。。。。 Ah； it was sad
to see her。。。。〃
〃Well； after that I can understand your living like this；〃
Raskolnikov said with a bitter smile。
〃And aren't you sorry for them？ Aren't you sorry？〃 Sonia flew at him
again。 〃Why； I know； you gave your last penny yourself； though you'd
seen nothing of it； and if you'd seen everything； oh dear！ And how
often； how often I've brought her to tears！ Only last week！ Yes； I！
Only a week before his death。 I was cruel！ And how often I've done it！
Ah； I've been wretched at the thought of it all day！〃
Sonia wrung her hands as she spoke at the pain of remembering it。
〃You were cruel？〃
〃Yes； I… I。 I went to see them；〃 she went on； weeping； 〃and father
said； 'read me something； Sonia； my head aches； read to me； here's a
book。' He had a book he had got from Andrey Semyonovitch
Lebeziatnikov； he lives there； he always used to get hold of such
funny books。 And I said； 'I can't stay；' as I didn't want to read； and
I'd gone in chiefly to show Katerina Ivanovna some collars。
Lizaveta； the pedlar； sold me some collars and cuffs cheap； pretty；
new； embroidered ones。 Katerina Ivanovna liked them very much； she put
them on and looked at herself in the glass and was delighted with
them。 'Make me a present of them； Sonia；' she said； 'please do。'
'Please do；' she said； she wanted them so much。 And when could she
wear them？ They just reminded her of her old happy days。 She looked at
herself in the glass； admired herself； and she has no clothes at
all； no things of her own； hasn't had all these years！ And she never
asks any one for anything； she is proud； she'd sooner give away
everything。 And these she asked for； she liked them so much。 And I was
sorry to give them。 'What use are they to you； Katerina Ivanovna？' I
said。 I spoke like that to her； I ought not to have said that！ She
gave me such a look。 And she was so grieved； so grieved at my refusing
her。 And it was so sad to see。。。。 And she was not grieved for the
collars； but for my refusing； I saw that。 Ah； if only I could bring it
all back； change it； take back those words！ Ah； if I。。。 but it's
nothing to you！〃
〃Did you know Lizaveta； the pedlar？〃
〃Yes。。。。 Did you know her？〃 Sonia asked with some surprise。
〃Katerina Ivanovna is in consumption； rapid consumption； she will
soon die；〃 said Raskolnikov after a pause； without answering her
question。
〃Oh； no； no； no！〃
And Sonia unconsciously clutched both his hands； as though imploring
that she should not。
〃But it will be better if she does die。〃
〃No； not better； not at all better！〃 Sonia unconsciously repeated in
dismay。
〃And the children？ What can you do except take them to live with
you？〃
〃Oh； I don't know；〃 cried Sonia； almost in despair； and she put
her hands to her head。
It was evident that that idea had very often occurred to her
before and he had only roused it again。
〃And； what； if even now； while Katerina Ivanovna is alive； you get
ill and are taken to the hospital； what will happen then？〃 he
persisted pitilessly。
〃How can you？ That cannot be！〃
And Sonia's face worked with awful terror。
〃Cannot be？〃 Raskolnikov went on with a harsh smile。 〃You are not
insured against it； are you？ What will happen to them then？ They
will be in the street； all of them； she will cough and beg and knock
her head against some wall； as she did to…day； and the children will
cry。。。。 Then she will fall down； be taken to the police station and to
the hospital； she will die； and the children。。。〃
〃Oh； no。。。。 God will not let it be！〃 broke at last from Sonia's
overburdened bosom。
She listened； looking imploringly at him； clasping her hands in dumb
entreaty； as though it all depended upon him。
Raskolnikov got up and began to walk about the room。 A minute
passed。 Sonia was standing with her hands and her head hanging in
terrible dejection。
〃And can't you save？ Put by for a rainy day？〃 he asked； stopping
suddenly before her。
〃No；〃 whispered Sonia。
〃Of course not。 Have you tried？〃 he added almost ironically。
〃Yes。〃
〃And it didn't come off！ Of course not！ No need to ask。〃
And again he paced the room。 Another minute passed。
〃You don't get money every day？〃
Sonia was more confused than ever and colour rushed into her face
again。
〃No；〃 she whispered with a painful effort。
〃It will be the same with Polenka； no doubt；〃 he said suddenly。
〃No； no！ It can't be； no！〃 Sonia cried aloud in desperation； as
though she had been stabbed。 〃God would not allow anything so awful！〃
〃He lets others come to it。〃
〃No； no！ God will prot
