the history of john bull-第5章
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tion with the Lord Strutt。〃
She left him three daughters； whose names were Polemia； Discordia； and Usuria。**
* Endeavours and hopes of some people to hinder the dissolution of that Parliament。 ** War； faction； and usury。
CHAPTER X。 Of John Bull's second Wife； and the good Advice that she gave him。*
John quickly got the better of his grief； and； seeing that neither his constitution nor the affairs of his family； could permit him to live in an unmarried state； he resolved to get him another wife； a cousin of his last wife's was proposed； but John would have no more of the breed。 In short； he wedded a sober country gentlewoman； of a good family and a plentiful fortune； the reverse of the other in her temper； not but that she loved money； for she was saving； and applied her fortune to pay John's clamorous debts； that the unfrugal method of his last wife； and this ruinous lawsuit； had brought him into。 One day； as she had got her husband in a good humour； she talked to him after the following manner：〃My dear； since I have been your wife； I have observed great abuses and disorders in your family： your servants are mutinous and quarrelsome； and cheat you most abominably； your cookmaid is in a combination with your butcher； poulterer； and fishmonger； your butler purloins your liquor； and the brewer sells you hogwash； your baker cheats both in weight and in tale； even your milkwoman and your nursery…maid have a fellow feeling； your tailor； instead of shreds； cabbages whole yards of cloth； besides； leaving such long scores； and not going to market with ready money forces us to take bad ware of the tradesmen at their own price。 You have not posted your books these ten years。 How is it possible for a man of business to keep his affairs even in the world at this rate？ Pray God this Hocus be honest； would to God you would look over his bills； and see how matters stand between Frog and you。 Prodigious sums are spent in this lawsuit； and more must be borrowed of scriveners and usurers at heavy interest。 Besides； my dear； let me beg of you to lay aside that wild project of leaving your business to turn lawyer； for which； let me tell you； Nature never designed you。 Believe me； these rogues do but flatter； that they may pick your pocket； observe what a parcel of hungry ragged fellows live by your cause； to be sure they will never make an end of it。 I foresee this haunt you have got about the courts will one day or another bring your family to beggary。 Consider； my dear； how indecent it is to abandon your shop and follow pettifoggers； the habit is so strong upon you； that there is hardly a plea between two country esquires； about a barren acre upon a common； but you draw yourself in as bail； surety； or solicitor。〃 John heard her all this while with patience； till she pricked his maggot； and touched him in the tender point。 Then he broke out into a violent passion： 〃What； I not fit for a lawyer？ let me tell you； my clod…pated relations spoiled the greatest genius in the world when they bred me a mechanic。 Lord Strutt； and his old rogue of a grandsire； have found to their cost that I can manage a lawsuit as well as another。〃 〃I don't deny what you say；〃 replied Mrs。 Bull； 〃nor do I call in question your parts； but； I say； it does not suit with your circumstances； you and your predecessors have lived in good reputation among your neighbours by this same clothing…trade； and it were madness to leave it off。 Besides； there are few that know all the tricks and cheats of these lawyers。 Does not your own experience teach you how they have drawn you on from one term to another； and how you have danced the round of all the courts； still flattering you with a final issue； and； for aught I can see； your cause is not a bit clearer than it was seven years ago。〃 〃I will be hanged；〃 says John； 〃if I accept of any composition from Strutt or his grandfather； I'll rather wheel about the streets an engine to grind knives and scissors。 However； I'll take your advice； and look over my accounts。〃
* A new Parliament： the aversion of a Tory House of Commons to war。
CHAPTER XI。 How John looked over his Attorney's Bill。*
* Looking over the accounts。
When John first brought out the bills； the surprise of all the family was unexpressible at the prodigious dimensions of them； they would have measured with the best bale of cloth in John's shop。 Fees to judges； puny judges； clerks； prothonotaries； philisers； chirographers； under…clerks； proclamators； counsel； witnesses； jurymen； marshals； tipstaffs； criers； porters； for enrollings； exemplifications； bails； vouchers； returns； caveats； examinations； filings of words； entries； declarations； replications； recordats； nolle prosequies； certioraries； mittimuses； demurrers； special verdicts； informations； scire facias； supersedeas； habeas corpus； coach…hire； treating of witnesses； etc。 〃Verily；〃 says John； 〃there are a prodigious number of learned words in this law； what a pretty science it is！〃 〃Ay but； husband； you have paid for every syllable and letter of these fine words。 Bless me； what immense sums are at the bottom of the account！〃 John spent several weeks in looking over his bills； and； by comparing and stating his accounts； he discovered that； besides the extravagance of every article； he had been egregiously cheated； that he had paid for counsel that were never fee'd； for writs that were never drawn； for dinners that were never dressed； and journeys that were never made； in short； that the tradesmen； lawyers； and Frog had agreed to throw the burden of the lawsuit upon his shoulders。
CHAPTER XII。 How John grew angry； and resolved to accept a Composition； and what Methods were practised by the Lawyers for keeping him from it。*
Well might the learned Daniel Burgess say； 〃That a lawsuit is a suit for life。 He that sows his grain upon marble will have many a hungry belly before harvest。〃 This John felt by woeful experience。 John's cause was a good milch cow； and many a man subsisted his family out of it。 However； John began to think it high time to look about him。 He had a cousin in the country； one Sir Roger Bold； whose predecessors had been bred up to the law； and knew as much of it as anybody； but having left off the profession for some time； they took great pleasure in compounding lawsuits among their neighbours； for which they were the aversion of the gentlemen of the long robe； and at perpetual war with all the country attorneys。 John put his cause in Sir Roger's hands； desiring him to make the best of it。 The news had no sooner reached the ears of the lawyers； but they were all in an uproar。 They brought all the rest of the tradesmen upon John。** Squire South swore he was betrayed； that he would starve before he compounded； Frog said he was highly wronged； even lying Ned the chimney…sweeper and Tom the dustman complained that their interest was sacrificed； the lawyers； solicitors； Hocus and his clerks； were all up in arms at the news of the composition： they abused him and his wife most shamefully。 〃You silly； awkward； ill…bred country sow；〃 quoth one； 〃have you no more manners than to rail at Hocus that has saved that clod…pated numskulled ninny…hammer of yours from ruin； and all his family？ It is well known how he has rose early and sat up late to make him easy； when he was sotting at every alehouse in town。 I knew his last wife： she was a woman of breeding； good humour； and complaisanceknew how to live in the world。 As for you； you look like a puppet moved by clockwork； your clothes hang upon you as they were upon tenter…hooks； and you come into a room as you were going to steal away a pint pot。 Get you gone in the country； to look after your mother's poultry； to milk the cows； churn the butter； and dress up nosegays for a holiday； and not meddle with matters which you know no more of than the sign…post before your door。 It is well known that Hocus has an established reputation； he never swore an oath； nor told a lie； in all his life； he is grateful to his benefactors； faithful to his friends； liberal to his dependents； and dutiful to his superiors； he values not your money more than the dust under his feet； but he hates to be abused。 Once for all； Mr
