the history of john bull-第4章

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sat　on　the　bench。　He　was　overheard　one　day　talking　to　himself　after　this　manner：　　〃How　capriciously　does　fate　or　chance　dispose　of　mankind。　　How　seldom　is　that　business　allotted　to　a　man　for　which　he　is　fitted　by　Nature。　It　is　plain　I　was　intended　for　a　man　of　law。　　How　did　my　guardians　mistake　my　genius　in　placing　me；　like　a　mean　slave；　behind　a　counter？　　Bless　me！　what　immense　estates　these　fellows　raise　by　the　law。　　Besides；　it　is　the　profession　of　a　gentleman。　　What　a　pleasure　it　is　to　be　victorious　in　a　cause：　　to　swagger　at　the　bar。　　What　a　fool　am　I　to　drudge　any　more　in　this　woollen　trade。　　For　a　lawyer　I　was　born；　and　a　lawyer　I　will　be；　one　is　never　too　old　to　learn。〃*　All　this　while　John　had　conned　over　such　a　catalogue　of　hard　words　as　were　enough　to　conjure　up　the　devil；　these　he　used　to　babble　indifferently　in　all　companies；　especially　at　coffee　houses；　so　that　his　neighbour　tradesmen　began　to　shun　his　company　as　a　man　that　was　cracked。　　Instead　of　the　affairs　of　Blackwell　Hall　and　price　of　broadcloth；　wool；　and　baizes；　he　talks　of　nothing　but　actions　upon　the　case；　returns；　capias；　alias　capias；　demurrers；　venire　facias；　replevins；　supersedeases；　certioraries；　writs　of　error；　actions　of　trover　and　conversion；　trespasses；　precipes；　and　dedimus。　　This　was　matter　of　jest　to　the　learned　in　law；　however　Hocus　and　the　rest　of　the　tribe　encouraged　John　in　his　fancy；　assuring　him　that　he　had　a　great　genius　for　law；　that　they　questioned　not　but　in　time　he　might　raise　money　enough　by　it　to　reimburse　him　of　all　his　charges；　that　if　he　studied　he　would　undoubtedly　arrive　to　the　dignity　of　a　Lord　Chief　Justice。　　As　for　the　advice　of　honest　friends　and　neighbours　John　despised　it；　he　looked　upon　them　as　fellows　of　a　low　genius；　poor　grovelling　mechanics。　　John　reckoned　it　more　honour　to　have　got　one　favourable　verdict　than　to　have　sold　a　bale　of　broadcloth。　　As　for　Nic。　Frog；　to　say　the　truth；　he　was　more　prudent；　for　though　he　followed　his　lawsuit　closely　he　neglected　not　his　ordinary　business；　but　was　both　in　court　and　in　his　shop　at　the　proper　hours。

*　The　manners　and　sentiments　of　the　nation　at　that　time。



CHAPTER　VIII。　　How　John　discovered　that　Hocus　had　an　Intrigue　with　his　Wife；*　and　what　followed　thereupon。

John　had　not　run　on　a　madding　so　long　had　it　not　been　for　an　extravagant　wife；　whom　Hocus　perceiving　John　to　be　fond　of；　was　resolved　to　win　over　to　his　side。　　It　is　a　true　saying；　that　the　last　man　of　the　parish　that　knows　of　his　cuckoldom　is　himself。　　It　was　observed　by　all　the　neighbourhood　that　Hocus　had　dealings　with　John's　wife　that　were　not　so　much　for　his　honour；　but　this　was　perceived　by　John　a　little　too　late：　　she　was　a　luxurious　jade；　loved　splendid　equipages；　plays；　treats　and　balls；　differing　very　much　from　the　sober　manners　of　her　ancestors；　and　by　no　means　fit　for　a　tradesman's　wife。　　Hocus　fed　her　extravagancy　（what　was　still　more　shameful）　with　John's　own　money。　　Everybody　said　that　Hocus　had　a　month's　mind　to　her；　be　that　as　it　will；　it　is　matter　of　fact；　that　upon　all　occasions　she　ran　out　extravagantly　on　the　praise　of　Hocus。　　When　John　used　to　be　finding　fault　with　his　bills；　she　used　to　reproach　him　as　ungrateful　to　his　greatest　benefactor；　one　that　had　taken　so　much　pains　in　his　lawsuit；　and　retrieved　his　family　from　the　oppression　of　old　Lewis　Baboon。　　A　good　swinging　sum　of　John's　readiest　cash　went　towards　building　of　Hocus's　country　house。**　　This　affair　between　Hocus　and　Mrs。　Bull　was　now　so　open；　that　all　the　world　was　scandalised　at　it；　John　was　not　so　clod…pated；　but　at　last　he　took　the　hint。　　The　parson　of　the　parish　preaching　one　day　with　more　zeal　than　sense　against　adultery；　Mrs。　Bull　told　her　husband　that　he　was　a　very　uncivil　fellow　to　use　such　coarse　language　before　people　of　condition；***　that　Hocus　was　of　the　same　mind；　and　that　they　would　join　to　have　him　turned　out　of　his　living　for　using　personal　reflections。　　How　do　you　mean；　says　John；　by　personal　reflections？　　I　hope　in　God；　wife；　he　did　not　reflect　upon　you？　　〃No；　thank　God；　my　reputation　is　too　well　established　in　the　world　to　receive　any　hurt　from　such　a　foul…mouthed　scoundrel　as　he；　his　doctrine　tends　only　to　make　husbands　tyrants；　and　wives　slaves；　must　we　be　shut　up；　and　husbands　left　to　their　liberty？　Very　pretty　indeed！　a　wife　must　never　go　abroad　with　a　Platonic　to　see　a　play　or　a　ball；　she　must　never　stir　without　her　husband；　nor　walk　in　Spring　Garden　with　a　cousin。　　I　do　say；　husband；　and　I　will　stand　by　it；　that　without　the　innocent　freedoms　of　life；　matrimony　would　be　a　most　intolerable　state；　and　that　a　wife's　virtue　ought　to　be　the　result　of　her　own　reason；　and　not　of　her　husband's　government：　　for　my　part；　I　would　scorn　a　husband　that　would　be　jealous；　if　he　saw　a　fellow　with　me。〃　　All　this　while　John's　blood　boiled　in　his　veins：　　he　was　now　confirmed　in　all　his　suspicions；　the　hardest　names；　were　the　best　words　that　John　gave　her。　　Things　went　from　better　to　worse；　till　Mrs。　Bull　aimed　a　knife　at　John；　though　John　threw　a　bottle　at　her　head　very　brutally　indeed：　　and　after　this　there　was　nothing　but　confusion；　bottles；　glasses；　spoons；　plates；　knives；　forks；　and　dishes；　flew　about　like　dust；　the　result　of　which　was；　that　Mrs。　Bull　received　a　bruise　in　her　right　side　of　which　she　died　half　a　year　after。　　The　bruise　imposthumated；　and　afterwards　turned　to　a　stinking　ulcer；　which　made　everybody　shy　to　come　near　her；　yet　she　wanted　not　the　help　of　many　able　physicians；　who　attended　very　diligently；　and　did　what　men　of　skill　could　do；　but　all　to　no　purpose；　for　her　condition　was　now　quite　desperate；　all　regular　physicians　and　her　nearest　relations　having　given　her　over。****

*　The　opinion　at　that　time　of　the　General's　tampering　with　the　Parliament。　**　Blenheim　Palace。　***　The　story　of　Dr。　Sacheverel；　and　the　resentment　of　the　House　of　Commons。　****　The　opinion　of　the　Tories　about　that　House　of　Commons。



CHAPTER　IX。　　How　some　Quacks　undertook　to　cure　Mrs。　Bull　of　her　ulcer。*

There　is　nothing　so　impossible　in　Nature　but　mountebanks　will　undertake；　nothing　so　incredible　but　they　will　affirm：　　Mrs。　Bull's　condition　was　looked　upon　as　desperate　by　all　the　men　of　art；　but　there　were　those　that　bragged　they　had　an　infallible　ointment　and　plaister；　which　being　applied　to　the　sore；　would　cure　it　in　a　few　days；　at　the　same　time　they　would　give　her　a　pill　that　would　purge　off　all　her　bad　humours；　sweeten　her　blood；　and　rectify　her　disturbed　imagination。　　In　spite　of　all　applications　the　patient　grew　worse　every　day；　she　stunk　so；　nobody　durst　come　within　a　stone's　throw　of　her；　except　those　quacks　who　attended　her　close；　and　apprehended　no　danger。　　If　one　asked　them　how　Mrs。　Bull　did？　Better　and　better；　said　they；　the　parts　heal；　and　her　constitution　mends：　　if　she　submits　to　our　government　she　will　be　abroad　in　a　little　time。　　Nay；　it　is　reported　that　they　wrote　to　her　friends　in　the　country　that　she　should　dance　a　jig　next　October　in　Westminster　Hall；　and　that　her　illness　had　been　chiefly　owing　to　bad　physicians。　At　last；　one　of　them　was　sent　for　in　great　haste；　his　patient　grew　worse　and　worse：　　when　he　came；　he　affirmed　that　it　was　a　gross　mistake；　and　that　she　was　never　in　a　fairer　way。　　Bring　hither　the　salve；　says　he；　and　give　her　a　plentiful　draught　of　my　cordial。　　As　he　was　applying　his　ointments；　and　administering　the　cordial；　the　patient　gave　up　the　ghost；　to　the　great　confusion　of　the　quack；　and　the　great　joy　of　Bull　and　his　friends。　　The　quack　flung　away　out　of　the　house　in　great　disorder；　and　swore　there　was　foul　play；　for　he　was　sure　his　medicines　were　infallible。　　Mrs。　Bull　having　died　without　any　signs　of　repentance　or　devotion；　the　clergy　would　hardly　allow　her　a　Christian　burial。　　The　relations　had　once　resolved　to　sue　John　for　the　murder；　but　considering　better　of　it；　and　that　such　a　trial　would　rip　up　old　sores；　and　discover　things　not　so　much　to　the　reputation　of　the　deceased；　they　dropped　their　design。　　She　left　no　will；　only　there　was　found　in　her　strong　box　the　following　words　written　on　a　scrip　of　paper〃My　curse　on　John　Bull；　and　all　my　posterity；　if　ever　they　come　to　any　composition　with　the　Lord　Strutt。〃

She　left　him　three　daughters；　whose　names　were　Polemia；　Discordia；　an