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第22章

the history of john bull-第22章

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JOHN BULL。As for your venire facias; I have paid you for one already; in the other I believe you will be nonsuited。  I'll take care of my nephew myself。  Your coach…hire and family charges are most unreasonable deductions; at that rate; I can bring in any man in the world my debtor。  But who the devil are those two majors that consume all my money?  I find they always run away with the balance in all accounts。

NIC。 FROG。Two very honest gentlemen; I assure you; that have done me some service。  To tell you plainly; Major Ab。 denotes thy greater ability; and Major Will。 thy greater willingness to carry on this lawsuit。  It was but reasonable thou shouldst pay both for thy power and thy positiveness。

JOHN BULL。I believe I shall have those two honest majors' discount on my side in a little time。

NIC。 FROG。Why all this higgling with thy friend about such a paltry sum?  Does this become the generosity of the noble and rich John Bull?  I wonder thou art not ashamed。  Oh; Hocus! Hocus! where art thou?  It used to go another…guess manner in thy time。  When a poor man has almost undone himself for thy sake; thou art for fleecing him; and fleecing him。  Is that thy conscience; John?

JOHN BULL。Very pleasant; indeed!  It is well known thou retainest thy lawyers by the year; so a fresh lawsuit adds but little to thy expenses; they are thy customers;* I hardly ever sell them a farthing's…worth of anything。  Nay; thou hast set up an eating…house; where the whole tribe of them spend all they can rap or run。  If it were well reckoned; I believe thou gettest more of my money than thou spendest of thy own。  However; if thou wilt needs plead poverty; own at least that thy accounts are false。

* The money spent in Holland and Flanders。

NIC。 FROG。No; marry won't I; I refer myself to these honest gentlemenlet them judge between us。  Let Esquire South speak his mind; whether my accounts are not right; and whether we ought not to go on with our lawsuit。

JOHN BULL。Consult the butchers about keeping of Lent。  Dost think that John Bull will be tried by piepowders?  I tell you; once for all; John Bull knows where his shoe pinches。  None of your esquires shall give him the law as long as he wears this trusty weapon by his side; or has an inch of broadcloth in his shop。

NIC。 FROG。Why; there it is:  you will be both judge and party。  I am sorry thou discoverest so much of thy headstrong humour before these strange gentlemen; I have often told thee it would prove thy ruin some time or other。  Let it never be said that the famous John Bull has departed in despite of Court。

JOHN BULL。And will it not reflect as much on thy character; Nic。; to turn barretter in thy old daysa stirrer…up of quarrels amongst thy neighbours?  I tell thee; Nic。; some time or other thou wilt repent this。

But John saw clearly he should have nothing but wrangling; and that he should have as little success in settling his accounts as ending the composition。  〃Since they will needs overload my shoulders;〃 quoth John; 〃I shall throw down the burden with a squash amongst them; take it up who dares。  A man has a fine time of it amongst a combination of sharpers that vouch for one another's honesty。  John; look to thyself; old Lewis makes reasonable offers。  When thou hast spent the small pittance that is left; thou wilt make a glorious figure when thou art brought to live upon Nic。 Frog and Esquire South's generosity and gratitude。  If they use thee thus when they want thee; what will they do when thou wantest them?  I say again; John; look to thyself。〃

John wisely stifled his resentments; and told the company that in a little time he should give them law; or something better。

ALL。…Law! law! sir; by all means。  What is twenty…two poor years towards the finishing a lawsuit?  For the love of God; more law; sir!

* Clamours for continuing the war。

JOHN BULL。Prepare your demands how many years more of law you want; that I may order my affairs accordingly。  In the meanwhile; farewell。



CHAPTER XVII。  How John Bull found all his Family in an Uproar at Home。*

Nic。 Frog; who thought of nothing but carrying John to the market; and there disposing of him as his own proper goods; was mad to find that John thought himself now of age to look after his own affairs。 He resolved to traverse this new project; and to make him uneasy in his own family。  He had corrupted or deluded most of his servants into the most extravagant conceits in the world:  that their master was run mad; and wore a dagger in one pocket and poison in the other; that he had sold his wife and children to Lewis; disinherited his heir; and was going to settle his estate upon a parish…boy; that if they did not look after their master; he would do some very mischievous thing。  When John came home; he found a more surprising scene than any he had yet met with; and that you will say was somewhat extraordinary。

* Clamours about the danger of the succession。

He called his cook…maid Betty to bespeak his dinner。  Betty told him 〃That she begged his pardon; she could not dress dinner till she knew what he intended to do with his will。〃  〃Why; Betty;〃 quoth John; 〃thou art not run mad; art thou?  My will at present is to have dinner。〃  〃That may be;〃 quoth Betty; 〃but my conscience won't allow me to dress it till I know whether you intend to do righteous things by your heir。〃  〃I am sorry for that; Betty;〃 quoth John; 〃I must find somebody else; then。〃  Then he called John the barber。 〃Before I begin;〃 quoth John; 〃I hope your honour won't be offended if I ask you whether you intend to alter your will?  If you won't give me a positive answer your beard may grow down to your middle for me。〃  〃'Igad; so it shall;〃 quoth Bull; 〃for I will never trust my throat in such a mad fellow's hands。  Where's Dick the butler?〃 〃Look ye;〃 quoth Dick; 〃I am very willing to serve you in my calling; d'you see; but there are strange reports; and plain…dealing is best; d'ye see。  I must be satisfied if you intend to leave all to your nephew and if Nic。 Frog is still your executor; d'ye see。 If you will not satisfy me as to these points you may drink with the ducks。〃  〃And so I will;〃 quoth John; 〃rather than keep a butler that loves my heir better than myself。〃  Hob the shoemaker; and Pricket the tailor; told him they would most willingly serve him in their several stations if he would promise them never to talk with Lewis Baboon; and let Nicholas Frog; linen…draper; manage his concerns; that they could neither make shoes nor clothes to any that were not in good correspondence with their worthy friend Nicholas。

JOHN BULL。Call Andrew; my journeyman。  How goes affairs; Andrew? I hope the devil has not taken possession of thy body too。

ANDREW。No; sir; I only desire to know what you would do if you were dead?

JOHN BULL。Just as other dead folks do; Andrew。  'Aside。'  This is amazing!

ANDREW。I mean if your nephew shall inherit your estate。

JOHN BULL。That depends upon himself。  I shall do nothing to hinder him。

ANDREW。But will you make it sure?

JOHN BULL。Thou meanest that I should put him in possession; for I can make it no surer without that。  He has all the law can give him。

ANDREW。Indeed; possession; as you say; would make it much surer。 They say it is eleven points of the law。

John began now to think that they were all enchanted。  He inquired about the age of the moon; if Nic。 had not given them some intoxicating potion; or if old Mother Jenisa was still alive?  〃No; o' my faith;〃 quoth Harry; 〃I believe there is no potion in the case but a little aurum potabile。  You will have more of this by…and…by。〃 He had scarce spoken the word when another friend of John's accosted him after the following manner:

〃Since those worthy persons; who are as much concerned for your safety as I am; have employed me as their orator; I desire to know whether you will have it by way of syllogism; enthymem; dilemma; or sorites?〃

John now began to be diverted with their extravagance。

JOHN BULL。Let's have a sorites by all means; though they are all new to me。

FRIEND。It is evident to all that are versed in history that there were two sisters that played false two thousand years ago。 Therefore it plainly follows t

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