the history of john bull-第18章
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company with those that called his father a cheating rogue； and his will a forgery； that he not only sat quietly and heard his father railed at； but often chimed in with the discourse； and hugged the authors as his bosom friends；**** that instead of asking for blows at the corners of the streets； he now bestowed them as plentifully as he begged them before。*** In short； that he was grown a mere rake； and had nothing left in him of old Jack except his spite to John Bull's mother。
* The manners of the Dissenters changed from their former strictness。 ** Dealing much in stock…jobbing。 *** 〃Tale of a Tub。〃 **** Herding with deists and atheists。
Another witness made oath； that Jack had been overheard bragging of a trick* he had found out to manage the 〃old formal jade；〃 as he used to call her。 〃Hang this numb…skull of mine；〃 quoth he； 〃that I could not light on it sooner。 As long as I go in this ragged tattered coat； I am so well known； that I am hunted away from the old woman's door by every barking cur about the house； they bid me defiance。 There's no doing mischief as an open enemy； I must find some way or other of getting within doors； and then I shall have better opportunities of playing my pranks； besides the benefit of good keeping。〃
* Getting into places and Church preferments by occasional conformity。
Two witnesses swore* that several years ago； there came to their mistress's door a young fellow in a tattered coat； that went by the name of Timothy Trim； whom they did in their conscience believe to be the very prisoner； resembling him in shape； stature； and the features of his countenance。 That the said Timothy Trim being taken into the family； clapped their mistress's livery over his own tattered coat； that the said Timothy was extremely officious about their mistress's person； endeavouring by flattery and tale…bearing to set her against the rest of the servants： nobody was so ready to fetch anything that was wanted； to reach what was dropped。 That he used to shove and elbow his fellow…servants to get near his mistress； especially when money was a paying or receivingthen he was never out of the way； that he was extremely diligent about everybody's business but his own。 That the said Timothy； while he was in the family； used to be playing roguish tricks； when his mistress's back was turned； he would loll out his tongue； make mouths； and laugh at her； walking behind her like Harlequin； ridiculing her motions and gestures； but if his mistress looked about； he put on a grave； demure countenance； as if he had been in a fit of devotion； that he used often to trip up…stairs so smoothly that you could not hear him tread； and put all things out of order； that he would pinch the children and servants； when he met them in the dark； so hard； that he left the print of his forefingers and his thumb in black and blue； and then slink into a corner； as if nobody had done it。 Out of the same malicious design he used to lay chairs and joint…stools in their way； that they might break their noses by falling over them。 The more young and inexperienced he used to teach to talk saucily； and call names。 During his stay in the family there was much plate missing； being caught with a couple of silver spoons in his pocket； with their handles wrenched off； he said he was only going to carry them to the goldsmiths to be mended： that the said Timothy was hated by all the honest servants； for his ill…conditioned； splenetic tricks； but especially for his slanderous tongue； traducing them to their mistress as drunkards and thieves： that the said Timothy； by lying stories； used to set all the family together by the ears； taking delight to make them fight and quarrel； **particularly one day sitting at table； he spoke words to this effect： 〃I am of opinion；〃 quoth he； 〃that little short fellows； such as we are； have better hearts； and could beat the tall fellows； I wish it came to a fair trial； I believe these long fellows； as sightly as they are； should find their jackets well thwacked。〃
* Betraying the interests of the Church when got into preferments。 ** The original of the distinction in the names of Low Churchmen and High Churchmen。
A parcel of tall fellows； who thought themselves affronted by the discourse； took up the quarrel； and to it they went； the tall men and the low men； which continues still a faction in the family； to the great disorder of our mistress's affairs。 The said Timothy carried this frolic so far； that he proposed to his mistress that she should entertain no servant that was above four feet seven inches high； and for that purpose had prepared a gauge； by which they were to be measured。 The good old gentlewoman was not so simple as to go into his projectsshe began to smell a rat。 〃This Trim；〃 quoth she； 〃is an odd sort of a fellow； methinks he makes a strange figure with that ragged； tattered coat appearing under his livery； can't he go spruce and clean； like the rest of the servants？ The fellow has a roguish leer with him which I don't like by any means； besides； he has such a twang in his discourse； and an ungraceful way of speaking through the nose； that one can hardly understand him； I wish the fellow be not tainted with some bad disease。〃 The witnesses further made oath； that the said Timothy lay out a…nights； and went abroad often at unseasonable hours； and it was credibly reported he did business in another family： that he pretended to have a squeamish stomach； and could not eat at table with the rest of the servants； though this was but a pretence to provide some nice bit for himself； that he refused to dine upon salt fish； only to have an opportunity to eat a calf's head （his favourite dish） in private； that for all his tender stomach； when he was got by himself； he could devour capons； turkeys； and sirloins of beef； like a cormorant。
Two other witnesses gave the following evidence： That in his officious attendance upon his mistress； he had tried to slip a powder into her drink； and that he was once caught endeavouring to stifle her with a pillow as she was asleep； that he and Ptschirnsooker were often in close conference； and that they used to drink together at the 〃Rose；〃 where it seems he was well enough known by his true name of Jack。
The prisoner had little to say in his defence； he endeavoured to prove himself alibi； so that the trial turned upon this single question； whether the said Timothy Trim and Jack were the same person； which was proved by such plain tokens； and particularly by a mole under the left pap； that there was no withstanding the evidence； therefore the worshipful Mr。 Justice committed him； in order to his trial。
CHAPTER XII。 How Jack's friends came to visit him in prison； and what advice they gave him。
Jack hitherto had passed in the world for a poor； simple； well…meaning； half…witted； crack…brained fellow。 People were strangely surprised to find him in such a roguerythat he should disguise himself under a false name； hire himself out for a servant to an old gentlewoman； only for an opportunity to poison her。 They said that it was more generous to profess open enmity than under a profound dissimulation to be guilty of such a scandalous breach of trust； and of the sacred rights of hospitality； in short； the action was universally condemned by his best friends。 They told him in plain terms that this was come as a judgment upon him for his loose life； his gluttony； drunkenness； and avarice； for laying aside his father's will in an old mouldy trunk； and turning stock…jobber； newsmonger； and busybody； meddling with other people's affairs； shaking off his old serious friends； and keeping company with buffoons and pickpockets； his father's sworn enemies； that he had best throw himself upon the mercy of the court； repent； and change his manners。 To say truth； Jack heard these discourses with some compunction； however； he resolved to try what his new acquaintance would do for him。 They sent Habakkuk Slyboots；* who delivered him the following message； as the peremptory commands of his trusty companions：
* Habakkuk Slyboots； a certain great man who persuaded the Dissenters to consent to the Bill against Occasional Conformity as being for their interest。
HABAKK
