the history of john bull-第14章

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t　through　them。　Scoundrels！　dogs！　the　scum　of　the　earth！　　Frog；　that　was　my　father's　kitchen…boy；　he　pretend　to　meddle　with　my　estatewith　my　will！　　Ah；　poor　Strutt！　what　are　thou　come　to　at　last？　　Thou　hast　lived　too　long　in　the　world；　to　see　thy　age　and　infirmity　so　despised！　　How　will　the　ghosts　of　my　noble　ancestors　receive　these　tidings？they　cannot；　they　must　not　sleep　quietly　in　their　graves。〃　　In　short；　the　old　gentleman　was　carried　off　in　a　fainting　fit；　and　after　bleeding　in　both　arms　hardly　recovered。

MRS。　BULL。Really　this　was　a　very　extraordinary　way　of　proceeding！　I　long　to　hear　the　rest　of　it。

JOHN　BULL。After　we　had　come　back　to　the　tavern；　and　taken　t'other　bottle　of　champagne；　we　quarrelled　a　little　about　the　division　of　the　estate。　　Lewis　hauled　and　pulled　the　map　on　one　side　and　Frog　and　I　on　t'other；　till　we　had　like　to　have　tore　the　parchment　to　pieces。　　At　last　Lewis　pulled　out　a　pair　of　great　tailor's　shears　and　clipt　a　corner　for　himself；　which　he　said　was　a　manor　that　lay　convenient　for　him；　and　left　Frog　and　me　the　rest　to　dispose　of　as　we　pleased。　　We　were　overjoyed　to　think　Lewis　was　contented　with　so　little；　not　smelling　what　was　at　the　bottom　of　the　plot。　　There　happened；　indeed；　an　incident　that　gave　us　some　disturbance。　　A　cunning　fellow；　one　of　my　servants；　two　days　after；　peeping　through　the　keyhole；　observed　that　old　Lewis　had　stole　away　our　part　of　the　map；　and　saw　him　fiddling　and　turning　the　map　from　one　corner　to　the　other；　trying　to　join　the　two　pieces　together　again。　　He　was　muttering　something　to　himself；　which　he　did　not　well　hear；　only　these　words；　〃'Tis　great　pity！　'tis　great　pity！〃　　My　servant　added　that　he　believed　this　had　some　ill　meaning。　　I　told　him　he　was　a　coxcomb；　always　pretending　to　be　wiser　than　his　companions。　　Lewis　and　I　are　good　friends；　he's　an　honest　fellow；　and　I　daresay　will　stand　to　his　bargain。　　The　sequel　of　the　story　proved　this　fellow's　suspicion　to　be　too　well　grounded；　for　Lewis　revealed　our　whole　secret　to　the　deceased　Lord　Strutt；　who　in　reward　for　his　treachery；　and　revenge　to　Frog　and　me；　settled　his　whole　estate　upon　the　present　Philip　Baboon。　　Then　we　understood　what　he　meant　by　piecing　the　map　together。

MRS。　BULL。And　were　you　surprised　at　this？　　Had　not　Lord　Strutt　reason　to　be　angry？　　Would　you　have　been　contented　to　have　been　so　used　yourself？

JOHN　BULL。Why；　truly；　wife；　it　was　not　easily　reconciled　to　the　common　methods；　but　then　it　was　the　fashion　to　do　such　things。　　I　have　read　of　your　golden　age；　your　silver　age；　etc。；　one　might　justly　call　this　the　age　of　the　lawyers。　　There　was　hardly　a　man　of　substance　in　all　the　country　but　had　a　counterfeit　that　pretended　to　his　estate。*　　As　the　philosophers　say　that　there　is　a　duplicate　of　every　terrestrial　animal　at　sea；　so　it　was　in　this　age　of　the　lawyers：　　there　were　at　least　two　of　everything；　nay；　o'　my　conscience；　I　think　there　were　three　Esquire　Hackums**　at　one　time。　In　short；　it　was　usual　for　a　parcel　of　fellows　to　meet　and　dispose　of　the　whole　estates　in　the　country。　　〃This　lies　convenient　for　me；　Tom。　　Thou　wouldst　do　more　good　with　that；　Dick；　than　the　old　fellow　that　has　it。〃　　So　to　law　they　went　with　the　true　owners：　　the　lawyers　got　well　by　it；　everybody　else　was　undone。　　It　was　a　common　thing　for　an　honest　man　when　he　came　home　at　night　to　find　another　fellow　domineering　in　his　family；　hectoring　his　servants；　and　calling　for　supper。　　In　every　house　you　might　observe　two　Sosias　quarrelling　who　was　master。　　For　my　own　part；　I　am　still　afraid　of　the　same　treatment：　　that　I　should　find　somebody　behind　my　counter　selling　my　broad…cloth。

*　Several　Pretenders　at　that　time。　**　Kings　of　England。

MRS。　BULL。There　is　a　sort　of　fellows　they　call　banterers　and　bamboozlers　that　play　such　tricks；　but　it　seems　these　fellows　were　in　earnest。

JOHN　BULL。I　begin　to　think　that　justice　is　a　better　rule　than　conveniency；　for　all　some　people　make　so　slight　on　it。



CHAPTER　VII。　Of　the　hard　shifts　Mrs。　Bull　was　put　to　preserve　the　Manor　of　Bullock's　Hatch；　with　Sir　Roger's　method　to　keep　off　importunate　duns。*

*　Some　attempts　to　destroy　the　public　credit　at　that　time。　　Manners　of　the　Earl　of　Oxford。

As　John　Bull　and　his　wife　were　talking　together　they　were　surprised　with　a　sudden　knocking　at　the　door。　　〃Those　wicked　scriveners　and　lawyers；　no　doubt；〃　quoth　John；　and　so　it　was；　some　asking　for　the　money　he　owed；　and　others　warning　to　prepare　for　the　approaching　term。　　〃What　a　cursed　life　do　I　lead！〃　quoth　John；　〃debt　is　like　deadly　sin。　　For　God's　sake；　Sir　Roger；　get　me　rid　of　the　fellows。〃　〃I'll　warrant　you；〃　quoth　Sir　Roger；　〃leave　them　to　me。〃　　And；　indeed；　it　was　pleasant　enough　to　observe　Sir　Roger's　method　with　these　importunate　duns。　　His　sincere　friendship　for　John　Bull　made　him　submit　to　many　things　for　his　service　which　he　would　have　scorned　to　have　done　for　himself。　　Sometimes　he　would　stand　at　the　door　with　his　long　staff　to　keep　off　the　duns；　until　John　got　out　at　the　back　door。　　When　the　lawyers　and　tradesmen　brought　extravagant　bills　Sir　Roger　used　to　bargain　beforehand　for　leave　to　cut　off　a　quarter　of　a　yard　in　any　part　of　the　bill　he　pleased；　he　wore　a　pair　of　scissors　in　his　pocket　for　this　purpose；　and　would　snip　it　off　so　nicely　as　you　cannot　imagine。　　Like　a　true　goldsmith　he　kept　all　your　holidays；　there　was　not　one　wanting　in　his　calendar；　when　ready　money　was　scarce；　he　would　set　them　a…telling　a　thousand　pounds　in　sixpences；　groats；　and　threepenny…pieces。　　It　would　have　done　your　heart　good　to　have　seen　him　charge　through　an　army　of　lawyers；　attorneys；　clerks；　and　tradesmen；　sometimes　with　sword　in　hand；　at　other　times　nuzzling　like　an　eel　in　the　mud。　　When　a　fellow　stuck　like　a　bur；　that　there　was　no　shaking　him　off；　he　used　to　be　mighty　inquisitive　about　the　health　of　his　uncles　and　aunts　in　the　country；　he　could　call　them　all　by　their　names；　for　he　knew　everybody；　and　could　talk　to　them　in　their　own　way。　　The　extremely　impertinent　he　would　send　away　to　see　some　strange　sight；　as　the　Dragon　of　Hockley　the　Hole；　or　bid　him　call　the　3Oth　of　next　February。　　Now　and　then　you　would　see　him　in　the　kitchen；　weighing　the　beef　and　butter；　paying　ready　money；　that　the　maids　might　not　run　a　tick　at　the　market；　and　the　butchers；　by　bribing　of　them；　sell　damaged　and　light　meat。*　　Another　time　he　would　slip　into　the　cellar　and　gauge　the　casks。　　In　his　leisure　minutes　he　was　posting　his　books　and　gathering　in　his　debts。　　Such　frugal　methods　were　necessary　where　money　was　so　scarce　and　duns　so　numerous。　　All　this　while　John　kept　his　credit；　could　show　his　head　both　at　'Change　and　Westminster　Hall；　no　man　protested　his　bill　nor　refused　his　bond；　only　the　sharpers　and　the　scriveners；　the　lawyers　and　other　clerks　pelted　Sir　Roger　as　he　went　along。　　The　squirters　were　at　it　with　their　kennel　water；　for　they　were　mad　for　the　loss　of　their　bubble；　and　that　they　could　not　get　him　to　mortgage　the　manor　of　Bullock's　Hatch。　　Sir　Roger　shook　his　ears　and　nuzzled　along；　well　satisfied　within　himself　that　he　was　doing　a　charitable　work　in　rescuing　an　honest　man　from　the　claws　of　harpies　and　bloodsuckers。　　Mrs。　Bull　did　all　that　an　affectionate　wife；　and　a　good　housewife；　could　do；　yet　the　boundaries　of　virtues　are　indivisible　lines。　　It　is　impossible　to　march　up　close　to　the　frontiers　of　frugality　without　entering　the　territories　of　parsimony。　　Your　good　housewives　are　apt　to　look　into　the　minutest　things；　therefore　some　blamed　Mrs。　Bull　for　new　heel…pieceing　of　her　shoes；　grudging　a　quarter　of　a　pound　of　soap　and　sand　to　scour　the　rooms**；　but；　especially；　that　she　would　not　allow　her　maids　and　apprentices　the　benefit　of　〃John　Bunyan；〃　the　〃London　Apprentices；〃　or　the　〃Seven　Champions；〃　in　the　black　letter。***

*　Some　regulations　as　to　the　purveyance　in　the　Queen's　family。　**　Too　great　savings　in　the　House　of　Commons。　***　Restraining　the　liberty　of　the　Press　by　Act　of　Parliament。



CHAPTER　VIII。　　A　continuation　of　the　conversation　betwixt　John　Bull　and　his　wife。

MRS。　BULL。It　is　a　most　sad　life　we　lead；　my　dear；　to　be　so　teazed；　paying　interest　for　old　debts；　and　still　contracting　new　ones。　However；　I　don't　blame　you　for　vindicating　your　honour　and　chastising　old　Lewis。　　To　curb　the