letters of two brides-第54章

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tried　to　warm　me；　was　made。　My　jealousy；　exposed　in　all　its　nakedness；
had　led　to　war　and　all　its　stratagems　between　Gaston　and　myself。
Jealousy；　dear；　has　neither　sense　nor　decency。

I　made　up　my　mind　now　to　suffer　in　silence；　but　to　keep　my　eyes　open；
until　my　doubts　were　resolved　one　way　or　another。　Then　I　would　either
break　with　Gaston　or　bow　to　my　misfortune：　no　middle　course　is
possible　for　a　woman　who　respects　herself。

What　can　he　be　concealing？　For　a　secret　there　is；　and　the　secret　has
to　do　with　a　woman。　Is　it　some　youthful　escapade　for　which　he　still
blushes？　But　if　so；　what？　The　word　/what/　is　written　in　letters　of
fire　on　all　I　see。　I　read　it　in　the　glassy　water　of　my　lake；　in　the
shrubbery；　in　the　clouds；　on　the　ceilings；　at　table；　in　the　flowers　of
the　carpets。　A　voice　cries　to　me　/what？/　in　my　sleep。　Dating　from　the
morning　of　my　discovery；　a　cruel　interest　has　sprung　into　our　lives；
and　I　have　become　familiar　with　the　bitterest　thought　that　can　corrode
the　heartthe　thought　of　treachery　in　him　one　loves。　Oh！　my　dear；
there　is　heaven　and　hell　together　in　such　a　life。　Never　had　I　felt
this　scorching　flame；　I　to　whom　love　had　appeared　only　in　the　form　of
devoutest　worship。

〃So　you　wished　to　know　the　gloomy　torture…chamber　of　pain！〃　I　said　to
myself。　Good；　the　spirits　of　evil　have　heard　your　prayer；　go　on　your
road；　unhappy　wretch！

May　30th。

Since　that　fatal　day　Gaston　no　longer　works　with　the　careless　ease　of
the　wealthy　artist；　whose　work　is　merely　pastime；　he　sets　himself
tasks　like　a　professional　writer。　Four　hours　a　day　he　devotes　to
finishing　his　two　plays。

〃He　wants　money！〃

A　voice　within　whispered　the　thought。　But　why？　He　spends　next　to
nothing；　we　have　absolutely　no　secrets　from　each　other；　there　is　not　a
corner　of　his　study　which　my　eyes　and　my　fingers　may　not　explore。　His
yearly　expenditure　does　not　amount　to　two　thousand　francs；　and　I　know
that　he　has　thirty　thousand；　I　can　hardly　say　laid　by；　but　scattered
loose　in　a　drawer。　You　can　guess　what　is　coming。　At　midnight；　while　he
was　sleeping；　I　went　to　see　if　the　money　was　still　there。　An　icy
shiver　ran　through　me。　The　drawer　was　empty。

That　same　week　I　discovered　that　he　went　to　Sevres　to　fetch　his
letters；　and　these　letters　he　must　tear　up　immediately；　for　though　I
am　a　very　Figaro　in　contrivances；　I　have　never　yet　seen　a　trace　of
one。　Alas！　my　sweet；　despite　the　fine　promises　and　vows　by　which　I
bound　myself　after　the　scene　of　the　whip；　an　impulse；　which　I　can　only
call　madness；　drove　me　to　follow　him　in　one　of　his　rapid　rides　to　the
post…office。　Gaston　was　appalled　to　be　thus　discovered　on　horseback；
paying　the　postage　of　a　letter　which　he　held　in　his　hand。　He　looked
fixedly　at　me；　and　then　put　spurs　to　Fedelta。　The　pace　was　so　hard
that　I　felt　shaken　to　bits　when　I　reached　the　lodge　gate；　though　my
mental　agony　was　such　at　the　time　that　it　might　well　have　dulled　all
consciousness　of　bodily　pain。　Arrived　at　the　gate；　Gaston　said
nothing；　he　rang　the　bell　and　waited　without　a　word。　I　was　more　dead
than　alive。　I　might　be　mistaken　or　I　might　not；　but　in　neither　case
was　it　fitting　for　Armande…Louise…Marie　de　Chaulieu　to　play　the　spy。　I
had　sunk　to　the　level　of　the　gutter；　by　the　side　of　courtesans；　opera…
dancers；　mere　creatures　of　instinct；　even　the　vulgar　shop…girl　or
humble　seamstress　might　look　down　on　me。

What　a　moment！　At　last　the　door　opened；　he　handed　his　horse　to　the
groom；　and　I　also　dismounted；　but　into　his　arms；　which　were　stretched
out　to　receive　me。　I　threw　my　skirt　over　my　left　arm；　gave　him　my
right；　and　we　walked　onstill　in　silence。　The　few　steps　we　thus　took
might　be　reckoned　to　me　for　a　hundred　years　of　purgatory。　A　swarm　of
thoughts　beset　me　as　I　walked；　now　seeming　to　take　visible　form　in
tongues　of　fire　before　my　eyes；　now　assailing　my　mind；　each　with　its
own　poisoned　dart。　When　the　groom　and　the　horses　were　far　away；　I
stopped　Gaston；　and；　looking　him　in　the　face；　said；　as　I　pointed；　with
a　gesture　that　you　should　have　seen；　to　the　fatal　letter　still　in　his
right　hand：

〃May　I　read　it？〃

He　gave　it　to　me。　I　opened　it　and　found　a　letter　from　Nathan；　the
dramatic　author；　informing　Gaston　that　a　play　of　his　had　been
accepted；　learned；　rehearsed；　and　would　be　produced　the　following
Saturday。　He　also　enclosed　a　box　ticket。

Though　for　me　this　was　the　opening　of　heaven's　gates　to　the　martyr；
yet　the　fiend　would　not　leave　me　in　peace；　but　kept　crying；　〃Where　are
the　thirty　thousand　francs？〃　It　was　a　question　which　self…respect；
dignity；　all　my　old　self　in　fact；　prevented　me　from　uttering。　If　my
thought　became　speech；　I　might　as　well　throw　myself　into　the　lake　at
once；　and　yet　I　could　hardly　keep　the　words　down。　Dear　friend；　was　not
this　a　trial　passing　the　strength　of　woman？

I　returned　the　letter；　saying：

〃My　poor　Gaston；　you　are　getting　bored　down　here。　Let　us　go　back　to
Paris；　won't　you？〃

〃To　Paris？〃　he　said。　〃But　why？　I　only　wanted　to　find　out　if　I　had　any
gift；　to　taste　the　flowing　bowl　of　success！〃

Nothing　would　be　easier　than　for　me　to　ransack　the　drawer　sometime
while　he　is　working　and　pretend　great　surprise　at　finding　the　money
gone。　But　that　would　be　going　half…way　to　meet　the　answer；　〃Oh！　my
friend　So…and…So　was　hard　up！〃　etc。；　which　a　man　of　Gaston's　quick　wit
would　not　have　far　to　seek。

The　moral；　my　dear；　is　that　the　brilliant　success　of　this　play；　which
all　Paris　is　crowding　to　see；　is　due　to　us；　though　the　whole　credit
goes　to　Nathan。　I　am　represented　by　one　of　the　two　stars　in　the
legend：　Et　M　*　*。　I　saw　the　first　night　from　the　depths　of　one　of　the
stage　boxes。

July　1st。

Gaston's　work　and　his　visits　to　Paris　shall　continue。　He　is　preparing
new　plays；　partly　because　he　wants　a　pretext　for　going　to　Paris；
partly　in　order　to　make　money。　Three　plays　have　been　accepted；　and　two
more　are　commissioned。

Oh！　my　dear；　I　am　lost；　all　is　darkness　around　me。　I　would　set　fire　to
the　house　in　a　moment　if　that　would　bring　light。　What　does　it　all
mean？　Is　he　ashamed　of　taking　money　from　me？　He　is　too　high…minded　for
so　trumpery　a　matter　to　weigh　with　him。　Besides；　scruples　of　the　kind
could　only　be　the　outcome　of　some　love　affair。　A　man　would　take
anything　from　his　wife；　but　from　the　woman　he　has　ceased　to　care　for；
or　is　thinking　of　deserting；　it　is　different。　If　he　needs　such　large
sums；　it　must　be　to　spend　them　on　a　woman。　For　himself；　why　should　he
hesitate　to　draw　from　my　purse？　Our　savings　amount　to　one　hundred
thousand　francs！

In　short；　my　sweetheart；　I　have　explored　a　whole　continent　of
possibilities；　and　after　carefully　weighing　all　the　evidence；　am
convinced　I　have　a　rival。　I　am　desertedfor　whom？　At　all　costs　I　must
see　the　unknown。

July　10th。

Light　has　come；　and　it　is　all　over　with　me。　Yes；　Renee；　at　the　age　of
thirty；　in　the　perfection　of　my　beauty；　with　all　the　resources　of　a
ready　wit　and　the　seductive　charms　of　dress　at　my　command；　I　am
betrayedand　for　whom？　A　large…boned　Englishwoman；　with　big　feet　and
thick　waista　regular　British　cow！　There　is　no　longer　room　for　doubt。
I　will　tell　you　the　history　of　the　last　few　days。

Worn　out　with　suspicions；　which　were　fed　by　Gaston's　guilty　silence
（for；　if　he　had　helped　a　friend；　why　keep　it　a　secret　from　me？）；　his
insatiable　desire　for　money；　and　his　frequent　journeys　to　Paris；
jealous　too　of　the　work　from　which　he　seemed　unable　to　tear　himself；　I
at　last　made　up　my　mind　to　take　certain　steps；　of　such　a　degrading
nature　that　I　cannot　tell　you　about　them。　Suffice　it　to　say　that　three
days　ago　I　ascertained　that　Gaston；　when　in　Paris；　visits　a　house　in
the　Rue　de　la　Ville　l'Eveque；　where　he　guards　his　mistress　with
jealous　mystery；　unexampled　in　Paris。　The　porter　was　surly；　and　I
could　get　little　out　of　him；　but　that　little　was　enough　to　put　an　end
to　any　lingering　hope；　and　with　hope　to　life。　On　this　point　my　mind
was　resolved；　and　I　only　waited　to　learn　the　whole　truth　first。

With　this　object　I　went　to　Paris　and　took　rooms　in　a　house　exactly
opposite　the　one　which　Gaston　visits。　Thence　I　saw　him　with　my　own
eyes　enter　the　courtyard　on　horseback。　Too　soon　a　ghastly　fact　forced
itself　on　me。　This　Englishwoman；　who　seem