letters of two brides-第53章
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its iron grip； till I could hardly breathe。 I walked aside a few steps
to a seat； where I tried to recover my self…command。
Here Gaston found me； apparently pale and fluttered； for he
immediately exclaimed； 〃What is wrong？〃 in a tone of such alarm； that
I rose and took his arm。 But my muscles refused to move； and I was
forced to sit down again。 Then he took me in his arms and carried me
to the parlor close by； where the frightened servants pressed after
us； till Gaston motioned them away。 Once left to ourselves； I refused
to speak； but was able to reach my room； where I shut myself in； to
weep my fill。 Gaston remained something like two hours at my door；
listening to my sobs and questioning with angelic patience his poor
darling； who made no response。
At last I told him that I would see him when my eyes were less red and
my voice was steady again。
My formal words drove him from the house。 But by the time I had bathed
my eyes in iced water and cooled my face； I found him in our room； the
door into which was open； though I had heard no steps。 He begged me to
tell him what was wrong。
〃Nothing；〃 I said； 〃I saw the mud of Paris on Fedelta's trembling
legs； it seemed strange that you should go there without telling me；
but； of course； you are free。〃
〃I shall punish you for such wicked thoughts by not giving any
explanation till to…morrow；〃 he replied。
〃Look at me；〃 I said。
My eyes met his； deep answered to deep。 No； not a trace of the cloud
of disloyalty which； rising from the soul； must dim the clearness of
the eye。 I feigned satisfaction； though really unconvinced。 It is not
women only who can lie and dissemble！
The whole of the day we spent together。 Ever and again； as I looked at
him； I realized how fast my heart…strings were bound to him。 How I
trembled and fluttered within when； after a moment's absence； he
reappeared。 I live in him； not in myself。 My cruel sufferings gave the
lie to your unkind letter。 Did I ever feel my life thus bound up in
the noble Spaniard； who adored me； as I adore this heartless boy？ I
hate that mare！ Fool that I was to keep horses！ But the next thing
would have been to lame Gaston or imprison him in the cottage。 Wild
thoughts like these filled my brain； you see how near I was to
madness！ If love be not the cage； what power on earth can hold back
the man who wants to be free？
I asked him point…blank； 〃Do I bore you？〃
〃What needless torture you give yourself！〃 was his reply； while he
looked at me with tender； pitying eyes。 〃Never have I loved you so
deeply。〃
〃If that is true； my beloved； let me sell Fedelta；〃 I answered。
〃Sell her； by all means！〃
The reply crushed me。 Was it not a covert taunt at my wealth and his
own nothingness in the house？ This may never have occurred to him； but
I thought it had； and once more I left him。 It was night； and I would
go to bed。
Oh！ Renee； to be alone with a harrowing thought drives one to thoughts
of death。 These charming gardens； the starry night； the cool air；
laden with incense from our wealth of flowers； our valley； our hills
all seemed to me gloomy； black； and desolate。 It was as though I lay
at the foot of a precipice； surrounded by serpents and poisonous
plants； and saw no God in the sky。 Such a night ages a woman。
Next morning I said：
〃Take Fedelta and be off to Paris！ Don't sell her； I love her。 Does
she not carry you？〃
But he was not deceived； my tone betrayed the storm of feeling which I
strove to conceal。
〃Trust me！〃 he replied； and the gesture with which he held out his
hand； the glance of his eye； were so full of loyalty that I was
overcome。
〃What petty creatures women are！〃 I exclaimed。
〃No； you love me； that is all；〃 he said； pressing me to his heart。
〃Go to Paris without me；〃 I said； and this time I made him understand
that my suspicions were laid aside。
He went； I thought he would have stayed。 I won't attempt to tell you
what I suffered。 I found a second self within； quite strange to me。 A
crisis like this has； for the woman who loves； a tragic solemnity that
baffles words； the whole of life rises before you then； and you search
in vain for any horizon to it； the veriest trifle is big with meaning；
a glance contains a volume； icicles drift on uttered words； and the
death sentence is read in a movement of the lips。
I thought he would have paid me back in kind； had I not been
magnanimous？ I climbed to the top of the chalet； and my eyes followed
him on the road。 Ah！ my dear Renee； he vanished from my sight with an
appalling swiftness。
〃How keen he is to go！〃 was the thought that sprang of itself。
Once more alone； I fell back into the hell of possibilities； the
maelstrom of mistrust。 There were moments when I would have welcomed
any certainty； even the worst； as a relief from the torture of
suspense。 Suspense is a duel carried on in the heart； and we give no
quarter to ourselves。
I paced up and down the walks。 I returned to the house； only to tear
out again； like a mad woman。 Gaston； who left at seven o'clock； did
not return till eleven。 Now； as it only takes half an hour to reach
Paris through the park of St。 Cloud and the Bois de Boulogne； it is
plain that he must have spent three hours in town。 He came back
radiant； with a whip in his hand for me； an india…rubber whip with a
gold handle。
For a fortnight I had been without a whip； my old one being worn and
broken。
〃Was it for this you tortured me？〃 I said； as I admired the
workmanship of this beautiful ornament； which contains a little scent…
box at one end。
Then it flashed on me that the present was a fresh artifice。
Nevertheless I threw myself at once on his neck； not without
reproaching him gently for having caused me so much pain for the sake
of a trifle。 He was greatly pleased with his ingenuity； his eyes and
his whole bearing plainly showed the restrained triumph of the
successful plotter； for there is a radiance of the soul which is
reflected in every feature and turn of the body。 While still examining
the beauties of this work of art； I asked him at a moment when we
happened to be looking each other in the face：
〃Who is the artist？〃
〃A friend of mine。〃
〃Ah！ I see it has been mounted by Verdier；〃 and I read the name of the
shop printed on the handle。
Gaston is nothing but a child yet。 He blushed； and I made much of him
as a reward for the shame he felt in deceiving me。 I pretended to
notice nothing； and he may well have thought the incident was over。
May 25th。
The next morning I was in my riding…habit by six o'clock； and by seven
landed at Verdier's； where several whips of the same pattern were
shown to me。 One of the men serving recognized mine when I pointed it
out to him。
〃We sold that yesterday to a young gentleman；〃 he said。 And from the
description I gave him of my traitor Gaston； not a doubt was left of
his identity。 I will spare you the palpitations which rent my heart
during that journey to Paris and the little scene there； which marked
the turning…point of my life。
By half…seven I was home again； and Gaston found me； fresh and
blooming； in my morning dress； sauntering about with a make…believe
nonchalance。 I felt confident that old Philippe； who had been taken
into my confidence； would not have betrayed my absence。
〃Gaston；〃 I said； as we walked by the side of the lake； 〃you cannot
blind me to the difference between a work of art inspired by
friendship and something which has been cast in a mould。〃
He turned white； and fixed his eyes on me rather than on the damaging
piece of evidence I thrust before them。
〃My dear；〃 I went on； 〃this is not a whip； it is a screen behind which
you are hiding something from me。〃
Thereupon I gave myself the gratification of watching his hopeless
entanglement in the coverts and labyrinths of deceit and the desperate
efforts he made to find some wall he might scale and thus escape。 In
vain； he had perforce to remain upon the field； face to face with an
adversary； who at last laid down her arms in a feigned complacence。
But it was too late。 The fatal mistake； against which my mother had
tried to warm me； was made。 My jealousy； exposed in all its nak
