letters of two brides-第40章

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ghastly　days。　The　mere　word　〃convulsions〃　makes　my　very　heart　sick。
Five　days！　to　me　they　were　five　centuries　of　torture。　A　mother　who　has
not　been　through　this　martyrdom　does　not　know　what　suffering　is。　So
frenzied　was　I　that　I　even　envied　you；　who　never　had　a　child！

The　evening　before　that　terrible　day　the　weather　was　close；　almost
hot；　and　I　thought　my　little　Armand　was　affected　by　it。　Generally　so
sweet　and　caressing；　he　was　peevish；　cried　for　nothing；　wanted　to
play；　and　then　broke　his　toys。　Perhaps　this　sort　of　fractiousness　is
the　usual　sign　of　approaching　illness　with　children。　While　I　was
wondering　about　it；　I　noticed　Armand's　cheeks　flush；　but　this　I　set
down　to　teething；　for　he　is　cutting　four　large　teeth　at　once。　So　I　put
him　to　bed　beside　me；　and　kept　constantly　waking　through　the　night。　He
was　a　little　feverish；　but　not　enough　to　make　me　uneasy；　my　mind　being
still　full　of　the　teething。　Towards　morning　he　cried　〃Mamma！〃　and
asked　by　signs　for　something　to　drink；　but　the　cry　was　spasmodic；　and
there　were　convulsive　twitchings　in　the　limbs；　which　turned　me　to　ice。
I　jumped　out　of　bed　to　fetch　him　a　drink。　Imagine　my　horror　when；　on
my　handing　him　the　cup；　he　remained　motionless；　only　repeating
〃Mamma！〃　in　that　strange；　unfamiliar　voice；　which　was　indeed　by　this
time　hardly　a　voice　at　all。　I　took　his　hand；　but　it　did　not　respond　to
my　pressure；　it　was　quite　stiff。　I　put　the　cup　to　his　lips；　the　poor
little　fellow　gulped　down　three　or　four　mouthfuls　in　a　convulsive
manner　that　was　terrible　to　see；　and　the　water　made　a　strange　sound　in
his　throat。　He　clung　to　me　desperately；　and　I　saw　his　eyes　roll；　as
though　some　hidden　force　within　were　pulling　at　them；　till　only　the
whites　were　visible；　his　limbs　were　turning　rigid。　I　screamed　aloud；
and　Louis　came。

〃A　doctor！　quick！　。　。　。　he　is　dying；〃　I　cried。

Louis　vanished；　and　my　poor　Armand　again　gasped；　〃Mamma！　Mamma！〃　The
next　moment　he　lost　all　consciousness　of　his　mother's　existence。　The
pretty　veins　on　his　forehead　swelled；　and　the　convulsions　began。　For　a
whole　hour　before　the　doctors　came；　I　held　in　my　arms　that　merry　baby；
all　lilies　and　roses；　the　blossom　of　my　life；　my　pride；　and　my　joy；
lifeless　as　a　piece　of　wood；　and　his　eyes！　I　cannot　think　of　them
without　horror。　My　pretty　Armand　was　a　mere　mummyblack；　shriveled；
misshapen。

A　doctor；　two　doctors；　brought　from　Marseilles　by　Louis；　hovered　about
like　birds　of　ill　omen；　it　made　me　shudder　to　look　at　them。　One　spoke
of　brain　fever；　the　other　saw　nothing　but　an　ordinary　case　of
convulsions　in　infancy。　Our　own　country　doctor　seemed　to　me　to　have
the　most　sense；　for　he　offered　no　opinion。　〃It's　teething；〃　said　the
second　doctor。〃Fever；〃　said　the　first。　Finally　it　was　agreed　to　put
leeches　on　his　neck　and　ice　on　his　head。　It　seemed　to　me　like　death。
To　look　on；　to　see　a　corpse；　all　purple　or　black；　and　not　a　cry；　not　a
movement　from　this　creature　but　now　so　full　of　life　and　soundit　was
horrible！

At　one　moment　I　lost　my　head；　and　gave　a　sort　of　hysterical　laugh；　as
I　saw　the　pretty　neck　which　I　used　to　devour　with　kisses；　with　the
leeches　feeding　on　it；　and　his　darling　head　in　a　cap　of　ice。　My　dear；
we　had　to　cut　those　lovely　curls；　of　which　we　were　so　proud　and　with
which　you　used　to　play；　in　order　to　make　room　for　the　ice。　The
convulsions　returned　every　ten　minutes　with　the　regularity　of　labor
pains；　and　then　the　poor　baby　writhed　and　twisted；　now　white；　now
violet。　His　supple　limbs　clattered　like　wood　as　they　struck。　And　this
unconscious　flesh　was　the　being　who　smiled　and　prattled；　and　used　to
say　Mamma！　At　the　thought；　a　storm　of　agony　swept　tumultuously　over　my
soul；　like　the　sea　tossing　in　a　hurricane。　It　seemed　as　though　every
tie　which　binds　a　child　to　its　mother's　heart　was　strained　to　rending。
My　mother；　who　might　have　given　me　help；　advice；　or　comfort；　was　in
Paris。　Mothers；　it　is　my　belief；　know　more　than　doctors　do　about
convulsions。

After　four　days　and　nights　of　suspense　and　fear；　which　almost　killed
me；　the　doctors　were　unanimous　in　advising　the　application　of　a　horrid
ointment；　which　would　produce　open　sores。　Sores　on　my　Armand！　who　only
five　days　before　was　playing　about；　and　laughing；　and　trying　to　say
〃Godmother！〃　I　would　not　have　it　done；　preferring　to　trust　in　nature。
Louis；　who　believes　in　doctors；　scolded　me。　A　man　remains　the　same
through　everything。　But　there　are　moments　when　this　terrible　disease
takes　the　likeness　of　death；　and　in　one　of　these　it　seemed　borne　in
upon　me　that　this　hateful　remedy　was　the　salvation　of　Armand。　Louise；
the　skin　was　so　dry；　so　rough　and　parched；　that　the　ointment　would　not
act。　Then　I　broke　into　weeping；　and　my　tears　fell　so　long　and　so　fast；
that　the　bedside　was　wet　through。　And　the　doctors　were　at　dinner！

Seeing　myself　alone　with　the　child；　I　stripped　him　of　all　medical
appliances；　and　seizing　him　like　a　mad　woman；　pressed　him　to　my　bosom；
laying　my　forehead　against　his；　and　beseeching　God　to　grant　him　the
life　which　I　was　striving　to　pass　into　his　veins　from　mine。　For　some
minutes　I　held　him　thus；　longing　to　die　with　him；　so　that　neither　life
nor　death　might　part　us。　Dear；　I　felt　the　limbs　relaxing；　the
writhings　ceased；　the　child　stirred；　and　the　ghastly；　corpselike　tints
faded　away！　I　screamed；　just　as　I　did　when　he　was　taken　ill；　the
doctors　hurried　up；　and　I　pointed　to　Armand。

〃He　is　saved！〃　exclaimed　the　oldest　of　them。

What　music　in　those　words！　The　gates　of　heaven　opened！　And；　in　fact；
two　hours　later　Armand　came　back　to　life；　but　I　was　utterly　crushed；
and　it　was　only　the　healing　power　of　joy　which　saved　me　from　a　serious
illness。　My　God！　by　what　tortures　do　you　bind　a　mother　to　her　child！
To　fasten　him　to　our　heart；　need　the　nails　be　driven　into　the　very
quick？　Was　I　not　mother　enough　before？　I；　who　wept　tears　of　joy　over
his　broken　syllables　and　tottering　steps；　who　spent　hours　together
planning　how　best　to　perform　my　duty；　and　fit　myself　for　the　sweet
post　of　mother？　Why　these　horrors；　these　ghastly　scenes；　for　a　mother
who　already　idolized　her　child？

As　I　write；　our　little　Armand　is　playing；　shouting；　laughing。　What　can
be　the　cause　of　this　terrible　disease　with　children？　Vainly　do　I　try
to　puzzle　it　out；　remembering　that　I　am　again　with　child。　Is　it
teething？　Is　it　some　peculiar　process　in　the　brain？　Is　there　something
wrong　with　the　nervous　system　of　children　who　are　subject　to
convulsions？　All　these　thoughts　disquiet　me；　in　view　alike　of　the
present　and　the　future。　Our　country　doctor　holds　to　the　theory　of
nervous　trouble　produced　by　teething。　I　would　give　every　tooth　in　my
head　to　see　little　Armand's　all　through。　The　sight　of　one　of　those
little　white　pearls　peeping　out　of　the　swollen　gum　brings　a　cold　sweat
over　me　now。　The　heroism　with　which　the　little　angel　bore　his
sufferings　proves　to　me　that　he　will　be　his　mother's　son。　A　look　from
him　goes　to　my　very　heart。

Medical　science　can　give　no　satisfactory　explanation　as　to　the　origin
of　this　sort　of　tetanus；　which　passes　off　as　rapidly　as　it　comes　on；
and　can　apparently　be　neither　guarded　against　nor　cured。　One　thing
alone；　as　I　said　before；　is　certain；　that　it　is　hell　for　a　mother　to
see　her　child　in　convulsions。　How　passionately　do　I　clasp　him　to　my
heart！　I　could　walk　for　ever　with　him　in　my　arms！

To　have　suffered　all　this　only　six　weeks　before　my　confinement　made　it
much　worse；　I　feared　for　the　coming　child。　Farewell；　my　dear　beloved。
Don't　wish　for　a　childthere　is　the　sum　and　substance　of　my　letter！



XLI

THE　BARONNE　DE　MACUMER　TO　THE　VICOMTESSE　DE　L'ESTORADE
Paris。

Poor　sweet；Macumer　and　I　forgave　you　all　your　naughtiness　when　we
heard　of　your　terrible　trouble。　I　thrilled　with　pain　as　I　read　the
details　of　the　double　agony；　and　there　seem　compensations　now　in　being
childless。

I　am　writing　at　once　to　tell　you　that　Louis　has　been　promoted。　He　can
now　wear　the　ribbon　of　an　officer　of　the　Legion。　You　are　a　lucky
woman；　Renee；　and　you　will　probably　have　a　little　girl；　since　that
used　to　be　your　wish！

The　marriage　of　my　brother　with　Mlle。　de　Mortsauf　was　celebrated　on
our　return。　Our　gracious　King；　who　really　is　extraordinarily　kind；　has
given　m