letters of two brides-第32章

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him　elected　deputy　at　the　approaching　election；　for　he　will　be　very
nearly　forty　then；　and　as　the　Chamber　does　not　meet　till　six　months
later；　he　will　have　just　attained　the　age　necessary　to　qualify　for　a
seat。　You　will　come　to　Paristhere；　isn't　that　enough？　My　father；　and
the　friends　I　shall　have　made　by　that　time；　will　learn　to　know　and
admire　you；　and　if　your　father…in…law　will　agree　to　found　a　family；　we
will　get　the　title　of　Comte　for　Louis。　That　is　something　at　least！　And
we　shall　be　together。



XXVIII

RENEE　DE　L'ESTORADE　TO　LOUISE　DE　MACUMER
December。

My　thrice　happy　Louise；　your　letter　made　me　dizzy。　For　a　few　moments　I
held　it　in　my　listless　hands；　while　a　tear　or　two　sparkled　on　it　in
the　setting　sun。　I　was　alone　beneath　the　small　barren　rock　where　I
have　had　a　seat　placed；　far　off；　like　a　lance　of　steel；　the
Mediterranean　shone。　The　seat　is　shaded　by　aromatic　shrubs；　and　I　have
had　a　very　large　jessamine；　some　honeysuckle；　and　Spanish　brooms
transplanted　there；　so　that　some　day　the　rock　will　be　entirely　covered
with　climbing　plants。　The　wild　vine　has　already　taken　root　there。　But
winter　draws　near；　and　all　this　greenery　is　faded　like　a　piece　of　old
tapestry。　In　this　spot　I　am　never　molested；　it　is　understood　that　here
I　wish　to　be　alone。　It　is　named　Louise's　seata　proof；　is　it　not；
that　even　in　solitude　I　am　not　alone　here？

If　I　tell　you　all　these　details；　to　you　so　paltry；　and　try　to　describe
the　vision　of　green　with　which　my　prophetic　gaze　clothes　this　bare
rockon　which　top　some　freak　of　nature　has　set　up　a　magnificent
parasol　pineit　is　because　in　all　this　I　have　found　an　emblem　to
which　I　cling。

It　was　while　your　blessed　lot　was　filling　me　with　joy　andmust　I
confess　it？with　bitter　envy　too；　that　I　felt　the　first　movement　of
my　child　within；　and　this　mystery　of　physical　life　reacted　upon　the
inner　recesses　of　my　soul。　This　indefinable　sensation；　which　partakes
of　the　nature　at　once　of　a　warning；　a　delight；　a　pain；　a　promise；　and
a　fulfilment；　this　joy；　which　is　mine　alone；　unshared　by　mortal；　this
wonder　of　wonders；　has　whispered　to　me　that　one　day　this　rock　shall　be
a　carpet　of　flowers；　resounding　to　the　merry　laughter　of　children；
that　I　shall　at　last　be　blessed　among　women；　and　from　me　shall　spring
forth　fountains　of　life。　Now　I　know　what　I　have　lived　for！　Thus　the
first　certainty　of　bearing　within　me　another　life　brought　healing　to
my　wounds。　A　joy　that　beggars　description　has　crowned　for　me　those
long　days　of　sacrifice；　in　which　Louis　had　already　found　his。

Sacrifice！　I　said　to　myself；　how　far　does　it　excel　passion！　What
pleasure　has　roots　so　deep　as　one　which　is　not　personal　but　creative？
Is　not　the　spirit　of　Sacrifice　a　power　mightier　than　any　of　its
results？　Is　it　not　that　mysterious；　tireless　divinity；　who　hides
beneath　innumerable　spheres　in　an　unexplored　centre；　through　which　all
worlds　in　turn　must　pass？　Sacrifice；　solitary　and　secret；　rich　in
pleasures　only　tasted　in　silence；　which　none　can　guess　at；　and　no
profane　eye　has　ever　seen；　Sacrifice；　jealous　God　and　tyrant；　God　of
strength　and　victory；　exhaustless　spring　which；　partaking　of　the　very
essence　of　all　that　exists；　can　by　no　expenditure　be　drained　below　its
own　level；Sacrifice；　there　is　the　keynote　of　my　life。

For　you；　Louise；　love　is　but　the　reflex　of　Felipe's　passion；　the　life
which　I　shed　upon　my　little　ones　will　come　back　to　me　in　ever…growing
fulness。　The　plenty　of　your　golden　harvest　will　pass；　mine；　though
late；　will　be　but　the　more　enduring；　for　each　hour　will　see　it
renewed。　Love　may　be　the　fairest　gem　which　Society　has　filched　from
Nature；　but　what　is　motherhood　save　Nature　in　her　most　gladsome　mood？
A　smile　has　dried　my　tears。　Love　makes　my　Louis　happy；　but　marriage
has　made　me　a　mother；　and　who　shall　say　I　am　not　happy　also？

With　slow　steps；　then；　I　returned　to　my　white　grange；　with　the　green
shutters；　to　write　you　these　thoughts。

So　it　is；　darling；　that　the　most　marvelous；　and　yet　the　simplest；
process　of　nature　has　been　going　on　in　me　for　five　months；　and　yetin
your　ear　let　me　whisper　itso　far　it　agitates　neither　my　heart　nor　my
understanding。　I　see　all　around　me　happy；　the　grandfather…to…be　has
become　a　child　again；　trespassing　on　the　grandchild's　place；　the
father　wears　a　grave　and　anxious　look；　they　are　all　most　attentive　to
me；　all　talk　of　the　joy　of　being　a　mother。　Alas！　I　alone　remain　cold；
and　I　dare　not　tell　you　how　dead　I　am　to　all　emotion；　though　I　affect
a　little　in　order　not　to　damp　the　general　satisfaction。　But　with　you　I
may　be　frank；　and　I　confess　that；　at　my　present　stage；　motherhood　is　a
mere　affair　of　the　imagination。

Louis　was　to　the　full　as　much　surprised　as　I。　Does　not　this　show　how
little；　unless　by　his　impatient　wishes；　the　father　counts　for　in　this
matter？　Chance；　my　dear；　is　the　sovereign　deity　in　child…bearing。　My
doctor；　while　maintaining　that　this　chance　works　in　harmony　with
nature；　does　not　deny　that　children　who　are　the　fruit　of　passionate
love　are　bound　to　be　richly　endowed　both　physically　and　mentally；　and
that　often　the　happiness　which　shone　like　a　radiant　star　over　their
birth　seems　to　watch　over　them　through　life。　It　may　be　then；　Louise；
that　motherhood　reserves　joys　for　you　which　I　shall　never　know。　It　may
be　that　the　feeling　of　a　mother　for　the　child　of　a　man　whom　she
adores；　as　you　adore　Felipe；　is　different　from　that　with　which　she
regards　the　offspring　of　reason；　duty；　and　desperation！

Thoughts　such　as　these；　which　I　bury　in　my　inmost　heart；　add　to　the
preoccupation　only　natural　to　a　woman　soon　to　be　a　mother。　And　yet；　as
the　family　cannot　exist　without　children；　I　long　to　speed　the　moment
from　which　the　joys　of　family；　where　alone　I　am　to　find　my　life；　shall
date　their　beginning。　At　present　I　live　a　life　all　expectation　and
mystery；　except　for　a　sickening　physical　discomfort；　which　no　doubt
serves　to　prepare　a　woman　for　suffering　of　a　different　kind。　I　watch
my　symptoms；　and　in　spite　of　the　attentions　and　thoughtful　care　with
which　Louis'　anxiety　surrounds　me；　I　am　conscious　of　a　vague
uneasiness；　mingled　with　the　nausea；　the　distaste　for　food；　and
abnormal　longings　common　to　my　condition。　If　I　am　to　speak　candidly；　I
must　confess；　at　the　risk　of　disgusting　you　with　the　whole　business；
to　an　incomprehensible　craving　for　rotten　fruit。　My　husband　goes　to
Marseilles　to　fetch　the　finest　oranges　the　world　producesfrom　Malta；
Portugal；　Corsicaand　these　I　don't　touch。　Then　I　hurry　there　myself；
sometimes　on　foot；　and　in　a　little　back　street；　running　down　to　the
harbor；　close　to　the　Town　Hall；　I　find　wretched；　half…putrid　oranges；
two　for　a　sou；　which　I　devour　eagerly。　The　bluish；　greenish　shades　on
the　mouldy　parts　sparkle　like　diamonds　in　my　eyes；　they　are　flowers　to
me；　I　forget　the　putrid　odor；　and　find　them　delicious；　with　a　piquant
flavor；　and　stimulating　as　wine。　My　dear；　they　are　the　first　love　of
my　life！　Your　passion　for　Felipe　is　nothing　to　this！　Sometimes　I　can
slip　out　secretly　and　fly　to　Marseilles；　full　of　passionate　longings；
which　grow　more　intense　as　I　draw　near　the　street。　I　tremble　lest　the
woman　should　be　sold　out　of　rotten　oranges；　I　pounce　on　them　and
devour　them　as　I　stand。　It　seems　to　me　an　ambrosial　food；　and　yet　I
have　seen　Louis　turn　aside；　unable　to　bear　the　smell。　Then　came　to　my
mind　the　ghastly　words　of　Obermann　in　his　gloomy　elegy；　which　I　wish　I
had　never　read；　〃Roots　slake　their　thirst　in　foulest　streams。〃　Since　I
took　to　this　diet；　the　sickness　has　ceased；　and　I　feel　much　stronger。
This　depravity　of　taste　must　have　a　meaning；　for　it　seems　to　be　part
of　a　natural　process　and　to　be　common　to　most　women；　sometimes　going
to　most　extravagant　lengths。

When　my　situation　is　more　marked；　I　shall　not　go　beyond　the　grounds；
for　I　should　not　like　to　be　seen　under　these　circumstances。　I　have　the
greatest　curiosity　to　know　at　what　precise　moment　the　sense　of
motherhood　begins。　It　cannot　possibly　be　in　the　midst　of　frightful
suffering；　the　very　thought　of　which　makes　me　shudder。

Farewell；　favorite　of　fortune！　Farewell；　my　friend；　in　whom　I　live
again；　and　through　whom　I　am　able　to　picture　to　myself　this　brave
love；　this　jealousy　all　on