letters of two brides-第31章

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So；　my　fair　sweetheart；　if　I　have　let　months　slip　by　without　writing；
you　can　now　divine　the　cause。　I　have　to　recall　the　girl's　strange　past
in　order　to　explain　the　woman　to　myself。　Renee；　I　understand　you　now。
Not　to　her　dearest　friend；　not　to　her　mother；　not；　perhaps；　even　to
herself；　can　a　happy　bride　speak　of　her　happiness。　This　memory　ought
to　remain　absolutely　her　own；　an　added　rapturea　thing　beyond　words；
too　sacred　for　disclosure！

Is　it　possible　that　the　name　of　duty　has　been　given　to　the　delicious
frenzy　of　the　heart；　to　the　overwhelming　rush　of　passion？　And　for　what
purpose？　What　malevolent　power　conceived　the　idea　of　crushing　a
woman's　sensitive　delicacy　and　all　the　thousand　wiles　of　her　modesty
under　the　fetters　of　constraint？　What　sense　of　duty　can　force　from　her
these　flowers　of　the　heart；　the　roses　of　life；　the　passionate　poetry
of　her　nature；　apart　from　love？　To　claim　feeling　as　a　right！　Why；　it
blooms　of　itself　under　the　sun　of　love；　and　shrivels　to　death　under
the　cold　blast　of　distaste　and　aversion！　Let　love　guard　his　own
rights！

Oh！　my　noble　Renee！　I　understand　you　now。　I　bow　to　your　greatness；
amazed　at　the　depth　and　clearness　of　your　insight。　Yes；　the　woman　who
has　not　used　the　marriage　ceremony；　as　I　have　done；　merely　to　legalize
and　publish　the　secret　election　of　her　heart；　has　nothing　left　but　to
fly　to　motherhood。　When　earth　fails；　the　soul　makes　for　heaven！

One　hard　truth　emerges　from　all　that　you　have　said。　Only　men　who　are
really　great　know　how　to　love；　and　now　I　understand　the　reason　of
this。　Man　obeys　two　forcesone　sensual；　one　spiritual。　Weak　or
inferior　men　mistake　the　first　for　the　last；　whilst　great　souls　know
how　to　clothe　the　merely　natural　instinct　in　all　the　graces　of　the
spirit。　The　very　strength　of　this　spiritual　passion　imposes　severe
self…restraint　and　inspires　them　with　reverence　for　women。　Clearly；
feeling　is　sensitive　in　proportion　to　the　calibre　of　the　mental　powers
generally；　and　this　is　why　the　man　of　genius　alone　has　something　of　a
woman's　delicacy。　He　understands　and　divines　woman；　and　the　wings　of
passion　on　which　he　raises　her　are　restrained　by　the　timidity　of　the
sensitive　spirit。　But　when　the　mind；　the　heart；　and　the　senses　all
have　their　share　in　the　rapture　which　transports　usah！　then　there　is
no　falling　to　earth；　rather　it　is　to　heaven　we　soar；　alas！　for　only
too　brief　a　visit。

Such；　dear　soul；　is　the　philosophy　of　the　first　three　months　of　my
married　life。　Felipe　is　angelic。　Without　figure　of　speech；　he　is
another　self；　and　I　can　think　aloud　with　him。　His　greatness　of　soul
passes　my　comprehension。　Possession　only　attaches　him　more　closely　to
me；　and　he　discovers　in　his　happiness　new　motives　for　loving　me。　For
him；　I　am　the　nobler　part　of　himself。　I　can　foresee　that　years　of
wedded　life；　far　from　impairing　his　affection；　will　only　make　it　more
assured；　develop　fresh　possibilities　of　enjoyment；　and　bind　us　in　more
perfect　sympathy。　What　a　delirium　of　joy！

It　is　part　of　my　nature　that　pleasure　has　an　exhilarating　effect　on
me；　it　leaves　sunshine　behind；　and　becomes　a　part　of　my　inner　being。
The　interval　which　parts　one　ecstasy　from　another　is　like　the　short
night　which　marks　off　our　long　summer　days。　The　sun　which　flushed　the
mountain　tops　with　warmth　in　setting　finds　them　hardly　cold　when　it
rises。　What　happy　chance　has　given　me　such　a　destiny？　My　mother　had
roused　a　host　of　fears　in　me；　her　forecast；　which；　though　free　from
the　alloy　of　vulgar　pettiness；　seemed　to　me　redolent　of　jealousy；　has
been　falsified　by　the　event。　Your　fears　and　hers；　my　ownall　have
vanished　in　thin　air！

We　remained　at　Chantepleurs　seven　months　and　a　half；　for　all　the　world
like　a　couple　of　runaway　lovers　fleeing　the　parental　warmth；　while　the
roses　of　pleasure　crowned　our　love　and　embellished　our　dual　solitude。
One　morning；　when　I　was　even　happier　than　usual；　I　began　to　muse　over
my　lot；　and　suddenly　Renee　and　her　prosaic　marriage　flashed　into　my
mind。　It　seemed　to　me　that　now　I　could　grasp　the　inner　meaning　in　your
life。　Oh！　my　sweet；　why　do　we　speak　a　different　tongue？　Your　marriage
of　convenience　and　my　love　match　are　two　worlds；　as　widely　separated
as　the　finite　from　infinity。　You　still　walk　the　earth；　whilst　I　range
the　heavens！　Your　sphere　is　human；　mine　divine！　Love　crowned　me　queen；
you　reign　by　reason　and　duty。　So　lofty　are　the　regions　where　I　soar；
that　a　fall　would　shiver　me　to　atoms。

But　no　more　of　this。　I　shrink　from　painting　to　you　the　rainbow
brightness；　the　profusion；　the　exuberant　joy　of　love's　springtime；　as
we　know　it。

For　ten　days　we　have　been　in　Paris；　staying　in　a　charming　house　in　the
Rue　du　Bac；　prepared　for　us　by　the　architect　to　whom　Felipe　intrusted
the　decoration　of　Chantepleurs。　I　have　been　listening；　in　all　the　full
content　of　an　assured　and　sanctioned　love；　to　that　divine　music　of
Rossini's；　which　used　to　soothe　me　when；　as　a　restless　girl；　I
hungered　vaguely　after　experience。　They　say　I　am　more　beautiful；　and　I
have　a　childish　pleasure　in　hearing　myself　called　〃Madame。〃

Friday　morning。

Renee；　my　fair　saint；　the　happiness　of　my　own　life　pulls　me　for　ever
back　to　you。　I　feel　that　I　can　be　more　to　you　than　ever　before；　you
are　so　dear　to　me！　I　have　studied　your　wedded　life　closely　in　the
light　of　my　own　opening　chapters；　and　you　seem　to　me　to　come　out　of
the　scrutiny　so　great；　so　noble；　so　splendid　in　your　goodness；　that　I
here　declare　myself　your　inferior　and　humble　admirer；　as　well　as　your
friend。　When　I　think　what　marriage　has　been　to　me；　it　seems　to　me　that
I　should　have　died；　had　it　turned　out　otherwise。　And　you　live！　Tell　me
what　your　heart　feeds　on！　Never　again　shall　I　make　fun　of　you。
Mockery；　my　sweet；　is　the　child　of　ignorance；　we　jest　at　what　we　know
nothing　of。　〃Recruits　will　laugh　where　the　veteran　soldier　looks
grave；〃　was　a　remark　made　to　me　by　the　Comte　de　Chaulieu；　that　poor
cavalry　officer　whose　campaigning　so　far　has　consisted　in　marches　from
Paris　to　Fontainebleau　and　back　again。

I　surmise；　too；　my　dear　love；　that　you　have　not　told　me　all。　There　are
wounds　which　you　have　hidden。　You　suffer；　I　am　convinced　of　it。　In
trying　to　make　out　at　this　distance　and　from　the　scraps　you　tell　me
the　reasons　of　your　conduct；　I　have　weaved　together　all　sorts　of
romantic　theories　about　you。　〃She　has　made　a　mere　experiment　in
marriage；〃　I　thought　one　evening；　〃and　what　is　happiness　for　me　had
proved　only　suffering　to　her。　Her　sacrifice　is　barren　of　reward；　and
she　would　not　make　it　greater　than　need　be。　The　unctuous　axioms　of
social　morality　are　only　used　to　cloak　her　disappointment。〃　Ah！　Renee；
the　best　of　happiness　is　that　it　needs　no　dogma　and　no　fine　words　to
pave　the　way；　it　speaks　for　itself；　while　theory　has　been　piled　upon
theory　to　justify　the　system　of　women's　vassalage　and　thralldom。　If
self…denial　be　so　noble；　so　sublime；　what；　pray；　of　my　joy；　sheltered
by　the　gold…and…white　canopy　of　the　church；　and　witnessed　by　the　hand
and　seal　of　the　most　sour…faced　of　mayors？　Is　it　a　thing　out　of
nature？

For　the　honor　of　the　law；　for　her　own　sake；　but　most　of　all　to　make　my
happiness　complete；　I　long　to　see　my　Renee　content。　Oh！　tell　me　that
you　see　a　dawn　of　love　for　this　Louis　who　adores　you！　Tell　me　that　the
solemn；　symbolic　torch　of　Hymen　has　not　alone　served　to　lighten　your
darkness；　but　that　love；　the　glorious　sun　of　our　hearts；　pours　his
rays　on　you。　I　come　back　always；　you　see；　to　this　midday　blaze；　which
will　be　my　destruction；　I　fear。

Dear　Renee；　do　you　remember　how；　in　your　outbursts　of　girlish
devotion；　you　would　say　to　me；　as　we　sat　under　the　vine…covered　arbor
of　the　convent　garden；　〃I　love　you　so；　Louise；　that　if　God　appeared　to
me　in　a　vision；　I　would　pray　Him　that　all　the　sorrows　of　life　might　be
mine；　and　all　the　joy　yours。　I　burn　to　suffer　for　you〃？　Now；　darling；
the　day　has　come　when　I　take　up　your　prayer；　imploring　Heaven　to　grant
you　a　share　in　my　happiness。

I　must　tell　you　my　idea。　I　have　a　shrewd　notion　that　you　are　hatching
ambitious　plans　under　the　name　of　Louis　de　l'Estorade。　Very　good；　get
him　elected　deputy　at　the　approaching　election；　for　he　will　be　very
nearly　forty　then；　and　as　the　Chamb