letters of two brides-第25章

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the　height　of　madness　。　。　。〃

After　we　had　walked　up　and　down　in　silence　more　than　once；　he
recovered　composure　enough　to　say：

〃You　must　think　me　a　fool；　and；　indeed；　the　delirium　of　my　joy　has
robbed　me　of　both　nerve　and　wits。　But　of　this　at　least　be　assured；
whatever　you　do　is　sacred　in　my　eyes　from　the　very　fact　that　it　seemed
right　to　you。　I　honor　you　as　I　honor　only　God　besides。　And　then；　Miss
Griffith　is　here。〃

〃She　is　here　for　the　sake　of　the　others；　not　for　us；〃　I　put　in
hastily。

My　dear；　he　understood　me　at　once。

〃I　know　very　well；〃　he　said；　with　the　humblest　glance　at　me；　〃that
whether　she　is　there　or　not　makes　no　difference。　Unseen　of　men；　we　are
still　in　the　presence　of　God；　and　our　own　esteem　is　not　less　important
to　us　than　that　of　the　world。〃

〃Thank　you；　Felipe；〃　I　said；　holding　out　my　hand　to　him　with　a　gesture
which　you　ought　to　see。　〃A　woman；　and　I　am　nothing；　if　not　a　woman；　is
on　the　road　to　loving　the　man　who　understands　her。　Oh！　only　on　the
road；〃　I　went　on；　with　a　finger　on　my　lips。　〃Don't　let　your　hopes
carry　you　beyond　what　I　say。　My　heart　will　belong　only　to　the　man　who
can　read　it　and　know　its　every　turn。　Our　views；　without　being
absolutely　identical；　must　be　the　same　in　their　breadth　and　elevation。
I　have　no　wish　to　exaggerate　my　own　merits；　doubtless　what　seem
virtues　in　my　eyes　have　their　corresponding　defects。　All　I　can　say　is；
I　should　be　heartbroken　without　them。〃

〃Having　first　accepted　me　as　your　servant；　you　now　permit　me　to　love
you；〃　he　said；　trembling　and　looking　in　my　face　at　each　word。　〃My
first　prayer　has　been　more　than　answered。〃

〃But；〃　I　hastened　to　reply；　〃your　position　seems　to　me　a　better　one
than　mine。　I　should　not　object　to　change　places；　and　this　change　it
lies　with　you　to　bring　about。〃

〃In　my　turn；　I　thank　you；〃　he　replied。　〃I　know　the　duties　of　a
faithful　lover。　It　is　mine　to　prove　that　I　am　worthy　of　you；　the
trials　shall　be　as　long　as　you　choose　to　make　them。　If　I　belie　your
hopes；　you　have　onlyGod！　that　I　should　say　itto　reject　me。〃

〃I　know　that　you　love　me；〃　I　replied。　〃/So　far/；〃　with　a　cruel
emphasis　on　the　words；　〃you　stand　first　in　my　regard。　Otherwise　you
would　not　be　here。〃

Then　we　began　to　walk　up　and　down　as　we　talked；　and　I　must　say　that　so
soon　as　my　Spaniard　had　recovered　himself　he　put　forth　the　genuine
eloquence　of　the　heart。　It　was　not　passion　it　breathed；　but　a
marvelous　tenderness　of　feeling　which　he　beautifully　compared　to　the
divine　love。　His　thrilling　voice；　which　lent　an　added　charm　to
thoughts；　in　themselves　so　exquisite；　reminded　me　of　the　nightingale's
note。　He　spoke　low；　using　only　the　middle　tones　of　a　fine　instrument；
and　words　flowed　upon　words　with　the　rush　of　a　torrent。　It　was　the
overflow　of　the　heart。

〃No　more；〃　I　said；　〃or　I　shall　not　be　able　to　tear　myself　away。〃

And　with　a　gesture　I　dismissed　him。

〃You　have　committed　yourself　now；　mademoiselle；〃　said　Griffith。

〃In　England　that　might　be　so；　but　not　in　France；〃　I　replied　with
nonchalance。　〃I　intend　to　make　a　love　match；　and　am　feeling　my　way
that　is　all。〃

You　see；　dear；　as　love　did　not　come　to　me；　I　had　to　do　as　Mahomet　did
with　the　mountain。

Friday。

Once　more　I　have　seen　my　slave。　He　has　become　very　timid；　and　puts　on
an　air　of　pious　devotion；　which　I　like；　for　it　seems　to　say　that　he
feels　my　power　and　fascination　in　every　fibre。　But　nothing　in　his　look
or　manner　can　rouse　in　these　society　sibyls　any　suspicion　of　the
boundless　love　which　I　see。　Don't　suppose　though；　dear；　that　I　am
carried　away；　mastered；　tamed；　on　the　contrary；　the　taming；　mastering；
and　carrying　away　are　on　my　side　。　。　。

In　short；　I　am　quite　capable　of　reason。　Oh！　to　feel　again　the　terror
of　that　fascination　in　which　I　was　held　by　the　schoolmaster；　the
plebeian；　the　man　I　kept　at　a　distance！

The　fact　is　that　love　is　of　two　kindsone　which　commands；　and　one
which　obeys。　The　two　are　quite　distinct；　and　the　passion　to　which　the
one　gives　rise　is　not　the　passion　of　the　other。　To　get　her　full　of
life；　perhaps　a　woman　ought　to　have　experience　of　both。　Can　the　two
passions　ever　co…exist？　Can　the　man　in　whom　we　inspire　love　inspire　it
in　us？　Will　the　day　ever　come　when　Felipe　is　my　master？　Shall　I
tremble　then；　as　he　does　now？　These　are　questions　which　make　me
shudder。

He　is　very　blind！　In　his　place　I　should　have　thought　Mlle。　de
Chaulieu；　meeting　me　under　the　limes；　a　cold；　calculating　coquette；
with　starched　manners。　No；　that　is　not　love；　it　is　playing　with　fire。
I　am　still　fond　of　Felipe；　but　I　am　calm　and　at　my　ease　with　him　now。
No　more　obstacles！　What　a　terrible　thought！　It　is　all　ebb…tide　within；
and　I　fear　to　question　my　heart。　His　mistake　was　in　concealing　the
ardor　of　his　love；　he　ought　to　have　forced　my　self…control。

In　a　word；　I　was　naughty；　and　I　have　not　got　the　reward　such
naughtiness　brings。　No；　dear；　however　sweet　the　memory　of　that　half…
hour　beneath　the　trees；　it　is　nothing　like　the　excitement　of　the　old
time　with　its：　〃Shall　I　go？　Shall　I　not　go？　Shall　I　write　to　him？
Shall　I　not　write？〃

Is　it　thus　with　all　our　pleasures？　Is　suspense　always　better　than
enjoyment？　Hope　than　fruition？　Is　it　the　rich　who　in　very　truth　are
the　poor？　Have　we　not　both　perhaps　exaggerated　feeling　by　giving　to
imagination　too　free　a　rein？　There　are　times　when　this　thought　freezes
me。　Shall　I　tell　you　why？　Because　I　am　meditating　another　visit　to　the
bottom　of　the　gardenwithout　Griffith。　How　far　could　I　go　in　this
direction？　Imagination　knows　no　limit；　but　it　is　not　so　with　pleasure。
Tell　me；　dear　be…furbelowed　professor；　how　can　one　reconcile　the　two
goals　of　a　woman's　existence？



XXII

LOUISE　TO　FELIPE

I　am　not　pleased　with　you。　If　you　did　not　cry　over　Racine's
/Berenice/；　and　feel　it　to　be　the　most　terrible　of　tragedies；　there　is
no　kinship　in　our　souls；　we　shall　never　get　on　together；　and　had
better　break　off　at　once。　Let　us　meet　no　more。　Forget　me；　for　if　I　do
not　have　a　satisfactory　reply；　I　shall　forget　you。　You　will　become　M。
le　Baron　de　Macumer　for　me；　or　rather　you　will　cease　to　be　at　all。

Yesterday　at　Mme。　d'Espard's　you　had　a　self…satisfied　air　which
disgusted　me。　No　doubt；　apparently；　about　your　conquest！　In　sober
earnest；　your　self…possession　alarms　me。　Not　a　trace　in　you　of　the
humble　slave　of　your　first　letter。　Far　from　betraying　the　absent…
mindedness　of　a　lover；　you　polished　epigrams！　This　is　not　the　attitude
of　a　true　believer；　always　prostrate　before　his　divinity。

If　you　do　not　feel　me　to　be　the　very　breath　of　your　life；　a　being
nobler　than　other　women；　and　to　be　judged　by　other　standards；　then　I
must　be　less　than　a　woman　in　your　sight。　You　have　roused　in　me　a
spirit　of　mistrust；　Felipe；　and　its　angry　mutterings　have　drowned　the
accents　of　tenderness。　When　I　look　back　upon　what　has　passed　between
us；　I　feel　in　truth　that　I　have　a　right　to　be　suspicious。　For　know；
Prime　Minister　of　all　the　Spains；　that　I　have　reflected　much　on　the
defenceless　condition　of　our　sex。　My　innocence　has　held　a　torch；　and
my　fingers　are　not　burnt。　Let　me　repeat　to　you；　then；　what　my　youthful
experience　taught　me。

In　all　other　matters；　duplicity；　faithlessness；　and　broken　pledges　are
brought　to　book　and　punished；　but　not　so　with　love；　which　is　at　once
the　victim；　the　accuser；　the　counsel；　judge；　and　executioner。　The
cruelest　treachery；　the　most　heartless　crimes；　are　those　which　remain
for　ever　concealed；　with　two　hearts　alone　for　witness。　How　indeed
should　the　victim　proclaim　them　without　injury　to　herself？　Love；
therefore；　has　its　own　code；　its　own　penal　system；　with　which　the
world　has　no　concern。

Now；　for　my　part；　I　have　resolved　never　to　pardon　a　serious
misdemeanor；　and　in　love；　pray；　what　is　not　serious？　Yesterday　you　had
all　the　air　of　a　man　successful　in　his　suit。　You　would　be　wrong　to
doubt　it；　and　yet；　if　this　assurance　robbed　you　of　the　charming
simplicity　which　sprang　from　uncertainty；　I　should　blame　you　severely。
I　would　have　you　neither　bashful　nor　self…complacent；　I　would　not　have
you　in　terror　of　losing　my　affectionthat　would　be　an　insultbut
neither　would　I　have　you　wear　your　love　lightly　as　a　thing　of　course。
Never　should　your　heart　be　free