letters of two brides-第24章
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ours for testing a lover's metal。 Above all； make trial of your own
love； for this is even more important。 It is so easy to be misled by
the deceptive glamour of novelty and passion； and by the vision of
happiness。
Alone of the two friends； you remain in your maiden independence； and
I beseech you； dearest； do not risk the irrevocable step of marriage
without some guarantee。 It happens sometimes； when two are talking
together； apart from the world； their souls stripped of social
disguise； that a gesture； a word； a look lights up； as by a flash；
some dark abyss。 You have courage and strength to tread boldly in
paths where others would be lost。
You have no conception in what anxiety I watch you。 Across all this
space I see you； my heart beats with yours。 Be sure； therefore； to
write and tell me everything。 Your letters create an inner life of
passion within my homely； peaceful household； which reminds me of a
level highroad on a gray day。 The only event here； my sweet； is that I
am playing cross…purposes with myself。 But I don't want to tell you
about it just now； it must wait for another day。 With dogged
obstinacy； I pass from despair to hope； now yielding； now holding
back。 It may be that I ask from life more than we have a right to
claim。 In youth we are so ready to believe that the ideal and the real
will harmonize！
I have been pondering alone； seated beneath a rock in my park； and the
fruit of my pondering is that love in marriage is a happy accident on
which it is impossible to base a universal law。 My Aveyron philosopher
is right in looking on the family as the only possible unit in
society； and in placing woman in subjection to the family； as she has
been in all ages。 The solution of this greatfor us almost awful
question lies in our first child。 For this reason； I would gladly be a
mother； were it only to supply food for the consuming energy of my
soul。
Louis' temper remains as perfect as ever； his love is of the active；
my tenderness of the passive； type。 He is happy； plucking the flowers
which bloom for him； without troubling about the labor of the earth
which has produced them。 Blessed self…absorption！ At whatever cost to
myself； I fall in with his illusions； as a mother； in my idea of her；
should be ready to spend herself to satisfy a fancy of her child。 The
intensity of his joy blinds him； and even throws its reflection upon
me。 The smile or look of satisfaction which the knowledge of his
content brings to my face is enough to satisfy him。 And so； 〃my child〃
is the pet name which I give him when we are alone。
And I wait for the fruit of all these sacrifices which remain a secret
between God； myself； and you。 On motherhood I have staked enormously；
my credit account is now too large； I fear I shall never receive full
payment。 To it I look for employment of my energy； expansion of my
heart； and the compensation of a world of joys。 Pray Heaven I be not
deceived！ It is a question of all my future and； horrible thought； of
my virtue。
XXI
LOUISE DE CHAULIEU TO RENEE DE L'ESTORADE
June。
Dear wedded sweetheart；Your letter has arrived at the very moment to
hearten me for a bold step which I have been meditating night and day。
I feel within me a strange craving for the unknown； or； if you will；
the forbidden； which makes me uneasy and reveals a conflict in
progress in my soul between the laws of society and of nature。 I
cannot tell whether nature in me is the stronger of the two； but I
surprise myself in the act of meditating between the hostile powers。
In plain words； what I wanted was to speak with Felipe； alone； at
night； under the lime…trees at the bottom of our garden。 There is no
denying that this desire beseems the girl who has earned the epithet
of an 〃up…to…date young lady；〃 bestowed on me by the Duchess in jest；
and which my father has approved。
Yet to me there seems a method in this madness。 I should recompense
Felipe for the long nights he has passed under my window； at the same
time that I should test him； by seeing what he thinks of my escapade
and how he comports himself at a critical moment。 Let him cast a halo
round my follybehold in him my husband； let him show one iota less
of the tremulous respect with which he bows to me in the Champs…
Elyseesfarewell； Don Felipe。
As for society； I run less risk in meeting my lover thus than when I
smile to him in the drawing…rooms of Mme。 de Maufrigneuse and the old
Marquise de Beauseant； where spies now surround us on every side； and
Heaven only knows how people stare at the girl； suspected of a
weakness for a grotesque； like Macumer。
I cannot tell you to what a state of agitation I am reduced by
dreaming of this idea； and the time I have given to planning its
execution。 I wanted you badly。 What happy hours we should have
chattered away； lost in the mazes of uncertainty； enjoying in
anticipation all the delights and horrors of a first meeting in the
silence of night； under the noble lime…trees of the Chaulieu mansion；
with the moonlight dancing through the leaves！ As I sat alone； every
nerve tingling； I cried； 〃Oh！ Renee； where are you？〃 Then your letter
came； like a match to gunpowder； and my last scruples went by the
board。
Through the window I tossed to my bewildered adorer an exact tracing
of the key of the little gate at the end of the garden； together with
this note：
〃Your madness must really be put a stop to。 If you broke your
neck； you would ruin the reputation of the woman you profess to
love。 Are you worthy of a new proof of regard； and do you deserve
that I should talk with you under the limes at the foot of the
garden at the hour when the moon throws them into shadow？〃
Yesterday at one o'clock； when Griffith was going to bed； I said to
her：
〃Take your shawl； dear； and come out with me。 I want to go to the
bottom of the garden without anyone knowing。〃
Without a word； she followed me。 Oh！ my Renee； what an awful moment
when； after a little pause full of delicious thrills of agony； I saw
him gliding along like a shadow。 When he had reached the garden
safely； I said to Griffith：
〃Don't be astonished； but the Baron de Macumer is here； and； indeed；
it is on that account I brought you with me。〃
No reply from Griffith。
〃What would you have with me？〃 said Felipe； in a tone of such
agitation that it was easy to see he was driven beside himself by the
noise； slight as it was； of our dresses in the silence of the night
and of our steps upon the gravel。
〃I want to say to you what I could not write；〃 I replied。
Griffith withdrew a few steps。 It was one of those mild nights； when
the air is heavy with the scent of flowers。 My head swam with the
intoxicating delight of finding myself all but alone with him in the
friendly shade of the lime…trees； beyond which lay the garden； shining
all the more brightly because the white facade of the house reflected
the moonlight。 The contrast seemed； as it were； an emblem of our
clandestine love leading up to the glaring publicity of a wedding。
Neither of us could do more at first than drink in silently the
ecstasy of a moment； as new and marvelous for him as for me。 At last I
found tongue to say； pointing to the elm…tree：
〃Although I am not afraid of scandal； you shall not climb that tree
again。 We have long enough played schoolboy and schoolgirl； let us
rise now to the height of our destiny。 Had that fall killed you； I
should have died disgraced 。 。 。〃
I looked at him。 Every scrap of color had left his face。
〃And if you had been found there； suspicion would have attached either
to my mother or to me 。 。 。〃
〃Forgive me；〃 he murmured。
〃If you walk along the boulevard； I shall hear your step； and when I
want to see you； I will open my window。 But I would not run such a
risk unless some emergency arose。 Why have you forced me by your rash
act to commit another； and one which may lower me in your eyes？〃
The tears which I saw in his eyes were to me the most eloquent of
answers。
〃What I have done to…night；〃 I went on with a smile； 〃must seem to you
the height of madness 。 。 。〃
After we had walked up and down in silence more than once； he
recov
