letters of two brides-第23章
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this talisman； might I not say？since your blue eyes sparkle with
life as I look； and paint passes into flesh and blood。 If I have
delayed writing； it is because I could not tear myself away from
your presence； which wrung from me all that I was bound to keep
most secret。
〃Yes； closeted with you all last night and to…day； I have； for the
first time in my life； given myself up to full； complete； and
boundless happiness。 Could you but see yourself where I have
placed you； between the Virgin and God； you might have some idea
of the agony in which the night has passed。 But I would not offend
you by speaking of it； for one glance from your eyes； robbed of
the tender sweetness which is my life； would be full of torture
for me； and I implore your clemency therefore in advance。 Queen of
my life and of my soul； oh！ that you could grant me but one…
thousandth part of the love I bear you！
〃This was the burden of my prayer； doubt worked havoc in my soul
as I oscillated between belief and despair； between life and
death； darkness and light。 A criminal whose verdict hangs in the
balance is not more racked with suspense than I； as I own to my
temerity。 The smile imaged on your lips； to which my eyes turned
ever and again； and alone able to calm the storm roused by the
dread of displeasing you。 From my birth no one； not even my
mother； has smiled on me。 The beautiful young girl who was
designed for me rejected my heart and gave hers to my brother。
Again； in politics all my efforts have been defeated。 In the eyes
of my king I have read only thirst for vengeance； from childhood
he has been my enemy； and the vote of the Cortes which placed me
in power was regarded by him as a personal insult。
〃Less than this might breed despondency in the stoutest heart。
Besides； I have no illusion； I know the gracelessness of my
person； and am well aware how difficult it is to do justice to the
heart within so rugged a shell。 To be loved had ceased to be more
than a dream to me when I met you。 Thus when I bound myself to
your service I knew that devotion alone could excuse my passion。
〃But； as I look upon this portrait and listen to your smile that
whispers of rapture； the rays of a hope which I had sternly
banished pierced the gloom； like the light of dawn； again to be
obscured by rising mists of doubt and fear of your displeasure； if
the morning should break to day。 No； it is impossible you should
love me yetI feel it； but in time； as you make proof of the
strength； the constancy； and depth of my affection； you may yield
me some foothold in your heart。 If my daring offends you； tell me
so without anger； and I will return to my former part。 But if you
consent to try and love me； be merciful and break it gently to one
who has placed the happiness of his life in the single thought of
serving you。〃
My dear； as I read these last words； he seemed to rise before me； pale
as the night when the camellias told their story and he knew his
offering was accepted。 These words； in their humility； were clearly
something quite different from the usual flowery rhetoric of lovers；
and a wave of feeling broke over me； it was the breath of happiness。
The weather has been atrocious； impossible to go to the Bois without
exciting all sorts of suspicions。 Even my mother； who often goes out；
regardless of rain； remains at home； and alone。
Wednesday evening。
I have just seen /him/ at the Opera； my dear； he is another man。 He
came to our box； introduced by the Sardinian ambassador。
Having read in my eyes that this audacity was taken in good part； he
seemed awkwardly conscious of his limbs； and addressed the Marquise
d'Espard as 〃mademoiselle。〃 A light far brighter than the glare of the
chandeliers flashed from his eyes。 At last he went out with the air of
a man who didn't know what he might do next。
〃The Baron de Macumer is in love！〃 exclaimed Mme。 de Maufrigneuse。
〃Strange； isn't it； for a fallen minister？〃 replied my mother。
I had sufficient presence of mind myself to regard with curiosity
Mmes。 de Maufrigneuse and d'Espard and my mother； as though they were
talking a foreign language and I wanted to know what it was all about；
but inwardly my soul sank in the waves of an intoxicating joy。 There
is only one word to express what I felt； and that is： rapture。 Such
love as Felipe's surely makes him worthy of mine。 I am the very breath
of his life； my hands hold the thread that guides his thoughts。 To be
quite frank； I have a mad longing to see him clear every obstacle and
stand before me； asking boldly for my hand。 Then I should know whether
this storm of love would sink to placid calm at a glance from me。
Ah！ my dear； I stopped here； and I am still all in a tremble。 As I
wrote； I heard a slight noise outside； and rose to see what it was。
From my window I could see him coming along the ridge of the wall at
the risk of his life。 I went to the bedroom window and made him a
sign； it was enough； he leaped from the wallten feetand then ran
along the road； as far as I could see him； in order to show me that he
was not hurt。 That he should think of my fear at the moment when he
must have been stunned by his fall； moved me so much that I am still
crying； I don't know why。 Poor ungainly man！ what was he coming for？
what had he to say to me？
I dare not write my thoughts； and shall go to bed joyful； thinking of
all that we would say if we were together。 Farewell； fair silent one。
I have not time to scold you for not writing； but it is more than a
month since I have heard from you！ Does this mean that you are at last
happy？ Have you lost the 〃complete independence〃 which you were so
proud of； and which to…night has so nearly played me false？
XX
RENEE DE L'ESTORADE TO LOUISE DE CHAULIEU
May。
If love be the life of the world； why do austere philosophers count it
for nothing in marriage？ Why should Society take for its first law
that the woman must be sacrificed to the family； introducing thus a
note of discord into the very heart of marriage？ And this discord was
foreseen； since it was to meet the dangers arising from it that men
were armed with new…found powers against us。 But for these； we should
have been able to bring their whole theory to nothing； whether by the
force of love or of a secret； persistent aversion。
I see in marriage； as it at present exists； two opposing forces which
it was the task of the lawgiver to reconcile。 〃When will they be
reconciled？〃 I said to myself； as I read your letter。 Oh！ my dear； one
such letter alone is enough to overthrow the whole fabric constructed
by the sage of Aveyron； under whose shelter I had so cheerfully
ensconced myself！ The laws were made by old menany woman can see
thatand they have been prudent enough to decree that conjugal love；
apart from passion； is not degrading； and that a woman in yielding
herself may dispense with the sanction of love； provided the man can
legally call her his。 In their exclusive concern for the family they
have imitated Nature； whose one care is to propagate the species。
Formerly I was a person； now I am a chattel。 Not a few tears have I
gulped down； alone and far from every one。 How gladly would I have
exchanged them for a consoling smile！ Why are our destinies so
unequal？ Your soul expands in the atmosphere of a lawful passion。 For
you； virtue will coincide with pleasure。 If you encounter pain； it
will be of your own free choice。 Your duty； if you marry Felipe； will
be one with the sweetest； freest indulgence of feeling。 Our future is
big with the answer to my question； and I look for it with restless
eagerness。
You love and are adored。 Oh！ my dear； let this noble romance； the old
subject of our dreams； take full possession of your soul。 Womanly
beauty； refined and spiritualized in you； was created by God； for His
own purposes； to charm and to delight。 Yes； my sweet； guard well the
secret of your heart； and submit Felipe to those ingenious devices of
ours for testing a lover's metal。 Above all； make trial of your own
love； for this is even more important。 It is so easy to be
