letters of two brides-第17章

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blaze　of　joy　which　kindled　in　his　eyes　dried　up　the　tears。

〃Do　not　fancy；〃　I　concluded；　〃that　I　ask　this　from　any　wish　to　be
eccentric。　It　is　the　great　desire　I　have　for　your　respect　which
prompts　my　request。　If　you　owe　the　crown　of　your　love　merely　to　the
legal　and　religious　ceremony；　what　gratitude　could　you　feel　to　me
later　for　a　gift　in　which　my　goodwill　counted　for　nothing？　If　during
the　time　that　I　remained　indifferent　to　you　（yielding　only　a　passive
obedience；　such　as　my　mother　has　just　been　urging　on　me）　a　child　were
born　to　us；　do　you　suppose　that　I　could　feel　towards　it　as　I　would
towards　one　born　of　our　common　love？　A　passionate　love　may　not　be
necessary　in　marriage；　but；　at　least；　you　will　admit　that　there　should
be　no　repugnance。　Our　position　will　not　be　without　its　dangers；　in　a
country　life；　such　as　ours　will　be；　ought　we　not　to　bear　in　mind　the
evanescent　nature　of　passion？　Is　it　not　simple　prudence　to　make
provision　beforehand　against　the　calamities　incident　to　change　of
feeling？〃

He　was　greatly　astonished　to　find　me　at　once　so　reasonable　and　so　apt
at　reasoning；　but　he　made　me　a　solemn　promise；　after　which　I　took　his
hand　and　pressed　it　affectionately。

We　were　married　at　the　end　of　the　week。　Secure　of　my　freedom；　I　was
able　to　throw　myself　gaily　into　the　petty　details　which　always
accompany　a　ceremony　of　the　kind；　and　to　be　my　natural　self。　Perhaps　I
may　have　been　taken　for　an　old　bird；　as　they　say　at　Blois。　A　young
girl；　delighted　with　the　novel　and　hopeful　situation　she　had　contrived
to　make　for　herself；　and　may　have　passed　for　a　strong…minded　female。

Dear；　the　difficulties　which　would　beset　my　life　had　appeared　to　me
clearly　as　in　a　vision；　and　I　was　sincerely　anxious　to　make　the
happiness　of　the　man　I　married。　Now；　in　the　solitude　of　a　life　like
ours；　marriage　soon　becomes　intolerable　unless　the　woman　is　the
presiding　spirit。　A　woman　in　such　a　case　needs　the　charm　of　a
mistress；　combined　with　the　solid　qualities　of　a　wife。　To　introduce　an
element　of　uncertainty　into　pleasure　is　to　prolong　illusion；　and
render　lasting　those　selfish　satisfactions　which　all　creatures　hold；
and　should　shroud　a　woman　in　expectancy；　crown　her　sovereign；　and
invest　her　with　an　exhaustless　power；　a　redundancy　of　life；　that　makes
everything　blossom　around　her。　The　more　she　is　mistress　of　herself；
the　more　certainly　will　the　love　and　happiness　she　creates　be　fit　to
weather　the　storms　of　life。

But；　above　all；　I　have　insisted　on　the　greatest　secrecy　in　regard　to
our　domestic　arrangements。　A　husband　who　submits　to　his　wife's　yoke　is
justly　held　an　object　of　ridicule。　A　woman's　influence　ought　to　be
entirely　concealed。　The　charm　of　all　we　do　lies　in　its
unobtrusiveness。　If　I　have　made　it　my　task　to　raise　a　drooping　courage
and　restore　their　natural　brightness　to　gifts　which　I　have　dimly
descried；　it　must　all　seem　to　spring　from　Louis　himself。

Such　is　the　mission　to　which　I　dedicate　myself；　a　mission　surely　not
ignoble；　and　which　might　well　satisfy　a　woman's　ambition。　Why；　I　could
glory　in　this　secret　which　shall　fill　my　life　with　interest；　in　this
task　towards　which　my　every　energy　shall　be　bent；　while　it　remains
concealed　from　all　but　God　and　you。

I　am　very　nearly　happy　now；　but　should　I　be　so　without　a　friendly
heart　in　which　to　pour　the　confession？　For　how　make　a　confidant　of
him？　My　happiness　would　wound　him；　and　has　to　be　concealed。　He　is
sensitive　as　a　woman；　like　all　men　who　have　suffered　much。

For　three　months　we　remained　as　we　were　before　marriage。　As　you　may
imagine；　during　this　time　I　made　a　close　study　of　many　small　personal
matters；　which　have　more　to　do　with　love　than　is　generally　supposed。
In　spite　of　my　coldness；　Louis　grew　bolder；　and　his　nature　expanded。　I
saw　on　his　face　a　new　expression；　a　look　of　youth。　The　greater
refinement　which　I　introduced　into　the　house　was　reflected　in　his
person。　Insensibly　I　became　accustomed　to　his　presence；　and　made
another　self　of　him。　By　dint　of　constant　watching　I　discovered　how　his
mind　and　countenance　harmonize。　〃The　animal　that　we　call　a　husband；〃
to　quote　your　words；　disappeared；　and　one　balmy　evening　I　discovered
in　his　stead　a　lover；　whose　words　thrilled　me　and　on　whose　arm　I　leant
with　pleasure　beyond　words。　In　short；　to　be　open　with　you；　as　I　would
be　with　God；　before　whom　concealment　is　impossible；　the　perfect
loyalty　with　which　he　had　kept　his　oath　may　have　piqued　me；　and　I　felt
a　fluttering　of　curiosity　in　my　heart。　Bitterly　ashamed；　I　struggled
with　myself。　Alas！　when　pride　is　the　only　motive　for　resistance；
excuses　for　capitulation　are　soon　found。

We　celebrated　our　union　in　secret；　and　secret　it　must　remain　between
us。　When　you　are　married　you　will　approve　this　reserve。　Enough　that
nothing　was　lacking　either　of　satisfaction　for　the　most　fastidious
sentiment；　or　of　that　unexpectedness　which　brings；　in　a　sense；　its　own
sanction。　Every　witchery　of　imagination；　of　passion；　of　reluctance
overcome；　of　the　ideal　passing　into　reality；　played　its　part。

Yet；　in　spite　of　all　this　enchantment；　I　once　more　stood　out　for　my
complete　independence。　I　can't　tell　you　all　my　reasons　for　this。　To
you　alone　shall　I　confide　even　as　much　as　this。　I　believe　that　women；
whether　passionately　loved　or　not；　lose　much　in　their　relation　with
their　husbands　by　not　concealing　their　feelings　about　marriage　and　the
way　they　look　at　it。

My　one　joy；　and　it　is　supreme；　springs　from　the　certainty　of　having
brought　new　life　to　my　husband　before　I　have　borne　him　any　children。
Louis　has　regained　his　youth；　strength；　and　spirits。　He　is　not　the
same　man。　With　magic　touch　I　have　effaced　the　very　memory　of　his
sufferings。　It　is　a　complete　metamorphosis。　Louis　is　really　very
attractive　now。　Feeling　sure　of　my　affection；　he　throws　off　his
reserve　and　displays　unsuspected　gifts。

To　be　the　unceasing　spring　of　happiness　for　a　man　who　knows　it　and
adds　gratitude　to　love；　ah！　dear　one；　this　is　a　conviction　which
fortifies　the　soul；　even　more　than　the　most　passionate　love　can　do。
The　force　thus　developedat　once　impetuous　and　enduring；　simple　and
diversifiedbrings　forth　ultimately　the　family；　that　noble　product　of
womanhood；　which　I　realize　now　in　all　its　animating　beauty。

The　old　father　has　ceased　to　be　a　miser。　He　gives　blindly　whatever　I
wish　for。　The　servants　are　content；　it　seems　as　though　the　bliss　of
Louis　had　let　a　flood　of　sunshine　into　the　household；　where　love　has
made　me　queen。　Even　the　old　man　would　not　be　a　blot　upon　my　pretty
home；　and　has　brought　himself　into　line　with　all　my　improvements；　to
please　me　he　has　adopted　the　dress；　and　with　the　dress；　the　manners　of
the　day。

We　have　English　horses；　a　coupe；　a　barouche；　and　a　tilbury。　The　livery
of　our　servants　is　simple　but　in　good　taste。　Of　course　we　are　looked
on　as　spendthrifts。　I　apply　all　my　intellect　（I　am　speaking　quite
seriously）　to　managing　my　household　with　economy；　and　obtaining　for　it
the　maximum　of　pleasure　with　the　minimum　of　cost。

I　have　already　convinced　Louis　of　the　necessity　of　getting　roads　made；
in　order　that　he　may　earn　the　reputation　of　a　man　interested　in　the
welfare　of　his　district。　I　insist　too　on　his　studying　a　great　deal。
Before　long　I　hope　to　see　him　a　member　of　the　Council　General　of　the
Department；　through　the　influence　of　my　family　and　his　mother's。　I
have　told　him　plainly　that　I　am　ambitious；　and　that　I　was　very　well
pleased　his　father　should　continue　to　look　after　the　estate　and
practise　economies；　because　I　wished　him　to　devote　himself　exclusively
to　politics。　If　we　had　children；　I　should　like　to　see　them　all
prosperous　and　with　good　State　appointments。　Under　penalty；　therefore；
of　forfeiting　my　esteem　and　affection；　he　must　get　himself　chosen
deputy　for　the　department　at　the　coming　elections；　my　family　would
support　his　candidature；　and　we　should　then　have　the　delight　of
spending　all　our　winters　in　Paris。　Ah！　my　love；　by　the　ardor　with
which　he　embraced　my　plans；　I　can　gauge　the　depth　of　his　affection。

To　conclude　here　is　a　letter　he　wrote　me　yesterday　from　Marseilles；
where　he　had　gone　to　spend　a　few　hours：

　　〃MY　SWEET　RENEE；When　you　gave　me　permission　to　love　you；　I　began
　　to