letters of two brides-第16章

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me。

Pride　kept　my　eyes　fixed　on　the　table。

〃But；〃　said　my　mother；　〃Henarez　must　have　met　the　Spanish　ambassador
on　the　steps？〃

〃Yes；〃　replied　my　father；　〃the　ambassador　asked　me　if　I　was　conspiring
against　the　King；　his　master；　but　he　greeted　the　ex…grandee　of　Spain
with　much　deference；　and　placed　his　services　at　his　disposal。〃

All　this；　dear；　Mme。　de　l'Estorade；　happened　a　fortnight　ago；　and　it
is　a　fortnight　now　since　I　have　seen　the　man　who　loves　me；　for　that　he
loves　me　there　is　not　a　doubt。　What　is　he　about？　If　only　I　were　a　fly；
or　a　mouse；　or　a　sparrow！　I　want　to　see　him　alone；　myself　unseen；　at
his　house。　Only　think；　a　man　exists；　to　whom　I　can　say；　〃Go　and　die
for　me！〃　And　he　is　so　made　that　he　would　go；　at　least　I　think　so。
Anyhow；　there　is　in　Paris　a　man　who　occupies　my　thoughts；　and　whose
glance　pours　sunshine　into　my　soul。　Is　not　such　a　man　an　enemy；　whom　I
ought　to　trample　under　foot？　What？　There　is　a　man　who　has　become
necessary　to　mea　man　without　whom　I　don't　know　how　to　live！　You
married；　and　Iin　love！　Four　little　months；　and　those　two　doves；
whose　wings　erst　bore　them　so　high；　have　fluttered　down　upon　the　flat
stretches　of　real　life！

Sunday。

Yesterday；　at　the　Italian　Opera；　I　could　feel　some　one　was　looking　at
me；　my　eyes　were　drawn；　as　by　a　magnet；　to　two　wells　of　fire；　gleaming
like　carbuncles　in　a　dim　corner　of　the　orchestra。　Henarez　never　moved
his　eyes　from　me。　The　wretch　had　discovered　the　one　spot　from　which　he
could　see　meand　there　he　was。　I　don't　know　what　he　may　be　as　a
politician；　but　for　love　he　has　a　genius。

　　Behold；　my　fair　Renee；　where　our　business　now　stands；

as　the　great　Corneille　has　said。



XIII

MME。　DE　L'ESTORADE　TO　MLLE。　DE　CHAULIEU
LA　CRAMPADE；　February。

My　dear　Louise；I　was　bound　to　wait　some　time　before　writing　to　you；
but　now　I　know；　or　rather　I　have　learned；　many　things　which；　for　the
sake　of　your　future　happiness；　I　must　tell　you。　The　difference　between
a　girl　and　a　married　woman　is　so　vast；　that　the　girl　can　no　more
comprehend　it　than　the　married　woman　can　go　back　to　girlhood　again。

I　chose　to　marry　Louis　de　l'Estorade　rather　than　return　to　the
convent；　that　at　least　is　plain。　So　soon　as　I　realized　that　the
convent　was　the　only　alternative　to　marrying　Louis；　I　had；　as　girls
say；　to　〃submit；〃　and　my　submission　once　made；　the　next　thing　was　to
examine　the　situation　and　try　to　make　the　best　of　it。

The　serious　nature　of　what　I　was　undertaking　filled　me　at　first　with
terror。　Marriage　is　a　matter　concerning　the　whole　of　life；　whilst　love
aims　only　at　pleasure。　On　the　other　hand；　marriage　will　remain　when
pleasures　have　vanished；　and　it　is　the　source　of　interests　far　more
precious　than　those　of　the　man　and　woman　entering　on　the　alliance。
Might　it　not　therefore　be　that　the　only　requisite　for　a　happy　marriage
was　friendshipa　friendship　which；　for　the　sake　of　these　advantages；
would　shut　its　eyes　to　many　of　the　imperfections　of　humanity？　Now
there　was　no　obstacle　to　the　existence　of　friendship　between　myself
and　Louis　de　l'Estorade。　Having　renounced　all　idea　of　finding　in
marriage　those　transports　of　love　on　which　our　minds　used　so　often；
and　with　such　perilous　rapture；　to　dwell；　I　found　a　gentle　calm
settling　over　me。　〃If　debarred　from　love；　why　not　seek　for　happiness？〃
I　said　to　myself。　〃Moreover；　I　am　loved；　and　the　love　offered　me　I
shall　accept。　My　married　life　will　be　no　slavery；　but　rather　a
perpetual　reign。　What　is　there　to　say　against　such　a　situation　for　a
woman　who　wishes　to　remain　absolute　mistress　of　herself？〃

The　important　point　of　separating　marriage　from　marital　rights　was
settled　in　a　conversation　between　Louis　and　me；　in　the　course　of　which
he　gave　proof　of　an　excellent　temper　and　a　tender　heart。　Darling；　my
desire　was　to　prolong　that　fair　season　of　hope　which；　never
culminating　in　satisfaction；　leaves　to　the　soul　its　virginity。　To
grant　nothing　to　duty　or　the　law；　to　be　guided　entirely　by　one's　own
will；　retaining　perfect　independencewhat　could　be　more　attractive；
more　honorable？

A　contract　of　this　kind；　directly　opposed　to　the　legal　contract；　and
even　to　the　sacrament　itself；　could　be　concluded　only　between　Louis
and　me。　This　difficulty；　the　first　which　has　arisen；　is　the　only　one
which　has　delayed　the　completion　of　our　marriage。　Although；　at　first；
I　may　have　made　up　my　mind　to　accept　anything　rather　than　return　to
the　convent；　it　is　only　in　human　nature；　having　got　an　inch；　to　ask
for　an　ell；　and　you　and　I；　sweet　love；　are　of　those　who　would　have　it
all。

I　watched　Louis　out　of　the　corner　of　my　eye；　and　put　it　to　myself；
〃Has　suffering　had　a　softening　or　a　hardening　effect　on　him？〃　By　dint
of　close　study；　I　arrived　at　the　conclusion　that　his　love　amounted　to
a　passion。　Once　transformed　into　an　idol；　whose　slightest　frown　would
turn　him　white　and　trembling；　I　realized　that　I　might　venture
anything。　I　drew　him　aside　in　the　most　natural　manner　on　solitary
walks；　during　which　I　discreetly　sounded　his　feelings。　I　made　him
talk；　and　got　him　to　expound　to　me　his　ideas　and　plans　for　our　future。
My　questions　betrayed　so　many　preconceived　notions；　and　went　so
straight　for　the　weak　points　in　this　terrible　dual　existence；　that
Louis　has　since　confessed　to　me　the　alarm　it　caused　him　to　find　in　me
so　little　of　the　ignorant　maiden。

Then　I　listened　to　what　he　had　to　say　in　reply。　He　got　mixed　up　in　his
arguments；　as　people　do　when　handicapped　by　fear；　and　before　long　it
became　clear　that　chance　had　given　me　for　adversary　one　who　was　the
less　fitted　for　the　contest　because　he　was　conscious　of　what　you
magniloquently　call　my　〃greatness　of　soul。〃　Broken　by　sufferings　and
misfortune；　he　looked　on　himself　as　a　sort　of　wreck；　and　three　fears
in　especial　haunted　him。

First；　we　are　aged　respectively　thirty…seven　and　seventeen；　and　he
could　not　contemplate　without　quaking　the　twenty　years　that　divide　us。
In　the　next　place；　he　shares　our　views　on　the　subject　of　my　beauty；
and　it　is　cruel　for　him　to　see　how　the　hardships　of　his　life　have
robbed　him　of　youth。　Finally；　he　felt　the　superiority　of　my　womanhood
over　his　manhood。　The　consciousness　of　these　three　obvious　drawbacks
made　him　distrustful　of　himself；　he　doubted　his　power　to　make　me
happy；　and　guessed　that　he　had　been　chosen　as　the　lesser　of　two　evils。

One　evening　he　tentatively　suggested　that　I　only　married　him　to　escape
the　convent。

〃I　cannot　deny　it；〃　was　my　grave　reply。

My　dear；　it　touched　me　to　the　heart　to　see　the　two　great　tears　which
stood　in　his　eyes。　Never　before　had　I　experienced　the　shock　of　emotion
which　a　man　can　impart　to　us。

〃Louis；〃　I　went　on；　as　kindly　as　I　could；　〃it　rests　entirely　with　you
whether　this　marriage　of　convenience　becomes　one　to　which　I　can　give
my　whole　heart。　The　favor　I　am　about　to　ask　from　you　will　demand
unselfishness　on　your　part；　far　nobler　than　the　servitude　to　which　a
man's　love；　when　sincere；　is　supposed　to　reduce　him。　The　question　is；
Can　you　rise　to　the　height　of　friendship　such　as　I　understand　it？

〃Life　gives　us　but　one　friend；　and　I　wish　to　be　yours。　Friendship　is
the　bond　between　a　pair　of　kindred　souls；　united　in　their　strength；
and　yet　independent。　Let　us　be　friends　and　comrades　to　bear　jointly
the　burden　of　life。　Leave　me　absolutely　free。　I　would　put　no　hindrance
in　the　way　of　your　inspiring　me　with　a　love　similar　to　your　own；　but　I
am　determined　to　be　yours　only　of　my　own　free　gift。　Create　in　me　the
wish　to　give　up　my　freedom；　and　at　once　I　lay　it　at　your　feet。

〃Infuse　with　passion；　then；　if　you　will；　this　friendship；　and　let　the
voice　of　love　disturb　its　calm。　On　my　part　I　will　do　what　I　can　to
bring　my　feelings　into　accord　with　yours。　One　thing；　above　all；　I
would　beg　of　you。　Spare　me　the　annoyances　to　which　the　strangeness　of
our　mutual　position　might　give　rise　to　our　relations　with　others。　I　am
neither　whimsical　nor　prudish；　and　should　be　sorry　to　get　that
reputation；　but　I　feel　sure　that　I　can　trust　to　your　honor　when　I　ask
you　to　keep　up　the　outward　appearance　of　wedded　life。〃

Never；　dear；　have　I　seen　a　man　so　happy　as　my　proposal　made　Louis。　The
blaze　of　joy　which　kindled　in　his　eyes　dried　up　the　tears。

〃Do　not