notes from the underground-第9章

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in　love　with　suffering；　and　that　is　a　fact。　　There　is　no　need　to

appeal　to　universal　history　to　prove　that；　only　ask　yourself；　if

you　are　a　man　and　have　lived　at　all。　　As　far　as　my　personal

opinion　is　concerned；　to　care　only　for　well…being　seems　to　me

positively　ill…bred。　　Whether　it's　good　or　bad；　it　is　sometimes

very　pleasant；　too；　to　smash　things。　　I　hold　no　brief　for

suffering　nor　for　well…being　either。　　I　am　standing　for　。。。　my

caprice；　and　for　its　being　guaranteed　to　me　when　necessary。　

Suffering　would　be　out　of　place　in　vaudevilles；　for　instance；　I

know　that。　　In　the　〃Palace　of　Crystal〃　it　is　unthinkable；

suffering　means　doubt；　negation；　and　what　would　be　the　good　of　a

〃palace　of　crystal〃　if　there　could　be　any　doubt　about　it？　　And

yet　I　think　man　will　never　renounce　real　suffering；　that　is；

destruction　and　chaos。　　Why；　suffering　is　the　sole　origin　of

consciousness。　　Though　I　did　lay　it　down　at　the　beginning　that

consciousness　is　the　greatest　misfortune　for　man；　yet　I　know　man

prizes　it　and　would　not　give　it　up　for　any　satisfaction。　

Consciousness；　for　instance；　is　infinitely　superior　to　twice　two

makes　four。　　Once　you　have　mathematical　certainty　there　is

nothing　left　to　do　or　to　understand。　　There　will　be　nothing　left

but　to　bottle　up　your　five　senses　and　plunge　into　contemplation。　

While　if　you　stick　to　consciousness；　even　though　the　same　result

is　attained；　you　can　at　least　flog　yourself　at　times；　and　that

will；　at　any　rate；　liven　you　up。　　Reactionary　as　it　is；　corporal

punishment　is　better　than　nothing。





X



You　believe　in　a　palace　of　crystal　that　can　never　be　destroyeda

palace　at　which　one　will　not　be　able　to　put　out　one's　tongue　or

make　a　long　nose　on　the　sly。　　And　perhaps　that　is　just　why　I　am

afraid　of　this　edifice；　that　it　is　of　crystal　and　can　never　be

destroyed　and　that　one　cannot　put　one's　tongue　out　at　it　even　on

the　sly。



You　see；　if　it　were　not　a　palace；　but　a　hen…house；　I　might　creep

into　it　to　avoid　getting　wet；　and　yet　I　would　not　call　the

hen…house　a　palace　out　of　gratitude　to　it　for　keeping　me　dry。　

You　laugh　and　say　that　in　such　circumstances　a　hen…house　is　as

good　as　a　mansion。　　Yes；　I　answer；　if　one　had　to　live　simply　to

keep　out　of　the　rain。



But　what　is　to　be　done　if　I　have　taken　it　into　my　head　that　that

is　not　the　only　object　in　life；　and　that　if　one　must　live　one　had

better　live　in　a　mansion？　　That　is　my　choice；　my　desire。　　You

will　only　eradicate　it　when　you　have　changed　my　preference。　

Well；　do　change　it；　allure　me　with　something　else；　give　me

another　ideal。　　But　meanwhile　I　will　not　take　a　hen…house　for　a

mansion。　　The　palace　of　crystal　may　be　an　idle　dream；　it　may　be

that　it　is　inconsistent　with　the　laws　of　nature　and　that　I　have

invented　it　only　through　my　own　stupidity；　through　the

old…fashioned　irrational　habits　of　my　generation。　　But　what　does

it　matter　to　me　that　it　is　inconsistent？　　That　makes　no

difference　since　it　exists　in　my　desires；　or　rather　exists　as

long　as　my　desires　exist。　　Perhaps　you　are　laughing　again？　　Laugh

away；　I　will　put　up　with　any　mockery　rather　than　pretend　that　I

am　satisfied　when　I　am　hungry。　　I　know；　anyway；　that　I　will　not

be　put　off　with　a　compromise；　with　a　recurring　zero；　simply

because　it　is　consistent　with　the　laws　of　nature　and　actually

exists。　　I　will　not　accept　as　the　crown　of　my　desires　a　block　of

buildings　with　tenements　for　the　poor　on　a　lease　of　a　thousand

years；　and　perhaps　with　a　sign…board　of　a　dentist　hanging　out。　

Destroy　my　desires；　eradicate　my　ideals；　show　me　something

better；　and　I　will　follow　you。　　You　will　say；　perhaps；　that　it　is

not　worth　your　trouble；　but　in　that　case　I　can　give　you　the　same

answer。　　We　are　discussing　things　seriously；　but　if　you　won't

deign　to　give　me　your　attention；　I　will　drop　your　acquaintance。　

I　can　retreat　into　my　underground　hole。



But　while　I　am　alive　and　have　desires　I　would　rather　my　hand　were

withered　off　than　bring　one　brick　to　such　a　building！　　Don't

remind　me　that　I　have　just　rejected　the　palace　of　crystal　for　the

sole　reason　that　one　cannot　put　out　one's　tongue　at　it。　　I　did

not　say　because　I　am　so　fond　of　putting　my　tongue　out。　　Perhaps

the　thing　I　resented　was；　that　of　all　your　edifices　there　has　not

been　one　at　which　one　could　not　put　out　one's　tongue。　　On　the

contrary；　I　would　let　my　tongue　be　cut　off　out　of　gratitude　if

things　could　be　so　arranged　that　I　should　lose　all　desire　to　put

it　out。　　It　is　not　my　fault　that　things　cannot　be　so　arranged；

and　that　one　must　be　satisfied　with　model　flats。　　Then　why　am　I

made　with　such　desires？　　Can　I　have　been　constructed　simply　in

order　to　come　to　the　conclusion　that　all　my　construction　is　a

cheat？　　Can　this　be　my　whole　purpose？　　I　do　not　believe　it。



But　do　you　know　what：　I　am　convinced　that　we　underground　folk

ought　to　be　kept　on　a　curb。　　Though　we　may　sit　forty　years

underground　without　speaking；　when　we　do　come　out　into　the　light

of　day　and　break　out　we　talk　and　talk　and　talk。。。。





XI



The　long　and　the　short　of　it　is；　gentlemen；　that　it　is　better　to

do　nothing！　　Better　conscious　inertia！　　And　so　hurrah　for

underground！　　Though　I　have　said　that　I　envy　the　normal　man　to

the　last　drop　of　my　bile；　yet　I　should　not　care　to　be　in　his

place　such　as　he　is　now　（though　I　shall　not　cease　envying　him）。　

No；　no；　anyway　the　underground　life　is　more　advantageous。　　There；

at　any　rate；　one　can　。。。　Oh；　but　even　now　I　am　lying！　　　I　am

lying　because　I　know　myself　that　it　is　not　underground　that　is

better；　but　something　different；　quite　different；　for　which　I　am

thirsting；　but　which　I　cannot　find！　　　Damn　underground！



I　will　tell　you　another　thing　that　would　be　better；　and　that　is；

if　I　myself　believed　in　anything　of　what　I　have　just　written。　　I

swear　to　you；　gentle…　men；　there　is　not　one　thing；　not　one　word

of　what　I　have　written　that　I　really　believe。　　That　is；　I　believe

it；　perhaps；　but　at　the　same　time　I　feel　and　suspect　that　I　am

lying　like　a　cobbler。



〃Then　why　have　you　written　all　this？〃　you　will　say　to　me。　　〃I

ought　to　put　you　underground　for　forty　years　without　anything　to

do　and　then　come　to　you　in　your　cellar；　to　find　out　what　stage

you　have　reached！　　How　can　a　man　be　left　with　nothing　to　do　for

forty　years？〃



〃Isn't　that　shameful；　isn't　that　humiliating？〃　you　will　say；

perhaps；　wagging　your　heads　contemptuously。　　〃You　thirst　for　life

and　try　to　settle　the　problems　of　life　by　a　logical　tangle。　　And

how　persistent；　how　insolent　are　your　sallies；　and　at　the　same

time　what　a　scare　you　are　in！　　You　talk　nonsense　and　are　pleased

with　it；　you　say　impudent　things　and　are　in　continual　alarm　and

apologising　for　them。　　You　declare　that　you　are　afraid　of　nothing

and　at　the　same　time　try　to　ingratiate　yourself　in　our　good

opinion。　　You　declare　that　you　are　gnashing　your　teeth　and　at　the

same　time　you　try　to　be　witty　so　as　to　amuse　us。　　You　know　that

your　witticisms　are　not　witty；　but　you　are　evidently　well

satisfied　with　their　literary　value。　　You　may；　perhaps；　have

really　suffered；　but　you　have　no　respect　for　your　own　suffering。　

You　may　have　sincerity；　but　you　have　no　modesty；　out　of　the

pettiest　vanity　you　expose　your　sincerity　to　publicity　and

ignominy。　　You　doubtlessly　mean　to　say　something；　but　hide　your

last　word　through　fear；　because　you　have　not　the　resolution　to

utter　it；　and　only　have　a　cowardly　impudence。　　You　boast　of

consciousness；　but　you　are　not　sure　of　your　ground；　for　though

your　mind　works；　yet　your　heart　is　darkened　and　corrupt；　and　you

cannot　have　a　full；　genuine　consciousness　without　a　pure　heart。　

And　how　intrusive　you　are；　how　you　insist　and　grimace！　　Lies；

lies；　lies！〃



Of　course　I　have　myself　made　up　all　the　things　you　say。　　That；

too；　is　from　underground。　　I　have　been　for　forty　years　listening

to　you　through　a　crack　under　the　floor。　　I　have　invented　them

myself；　there　was　nothing　else　I　could　invent。　　It　is　no　wonder

that　I　hav