notes from the underground-第4章

按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！



disdainfully；　of　course；　but　from　which　you　suffer　all　the　same

while　she　does　not。　　They　express　the　consciousness　that　you　have

no　enemy　to　punish；　but　that　you　have　pain；　the　consciousness

that　in　spite　of　all　possible　Wagenheims　you　are　in　complete

slavery　to　your　teeth；　that　if　someone　wishes　it；　your　teeth　will

leave　off　aching；　and　if　he　does　not；　they　will　go　on　aching

another　three　months；　and　that　finally　if　you　are　still

contumacious　and　still　protest；　all　that　is　left　you　for　your　own

gratification　is　to　thrash　yourself　or　beat　your　wall　with　your

fist　as　hard　as　you　can；　and　absolutely　nothing　more。　　Well；

these　mortal　insults；　these　jeers　on　the　part　of　someone　unknown；

end　at　last　in　an　enjoyment　which　sometimes　reaches　the　highest

degree　of　voluptuousness。　　I　ask　you；　gentlemen；　listen　sometimes

to　the　moans　of　an　educated　man　of　the　nineteenth　century

suffering　from　toothache；　on　the　second　or　third　day　of　the

attack；　when　he　is　beginning　to　moan；　not　as　he　moaned　on　the

first　day；　that　is；　not　simply　because　he　has　toothache；　not　just

as　any　coarse　peasant；　but　as　a　man　affected　by　progress　and

European　civilisation；　a　man　who　is　〃divorced　from　the　soil　and

the　national　elements；〃　as　they　express　it　now…a…days。　　His　moans

become　nasty；　disgustingly　malignant；　and　go　on　for　whole　days

and　nights。　　And　of　course　he　knows　himself　that　he　is　doing

himself　no　sort　of　good　with　his　moans；　he　knows　better　than

anyone　that　he　is　only　lacerating　and　harassing　himself　and

others　for　nothing；　he　knows　that　even　the　audience　before　whom

he　is　making　his　efforts；　and　his　whole　family；　listen　to　him

with　loathing；　do　not　put　a　ha'porth　of　faith　in　him；　and

inwardly　understand　that　he　might　moan　differently；　more　simply；

without　trills　and　flourishes；　and　that　he　is　only　amusing

himself　like　that　from　ill…humour；　from　malignancy。　　Well；　in　all

these　recognitions　and　disgraces　it　is　that　there　lies　a

voluptuous　pleasure。　　As　though　he　would　say：　〃I　am　worrying　you；

I　am　lacerating　your　hearts；　I　am　keeping　everyone　in　the　house

awake。　　Well；　stay　awake　then；　you；　too；　feel　every　minute　that　I

have　toothache。　　I　am　not　a　hero　to　you　now；　as　I　tried　to　seem

before；　but　simply　a　nasty　person；　an　impostor。　　Well；　so　be　it；

then！　　I　am　very　glad　that　you　see　through　me。　　It　is　nasty　for

you　to　hear　my　despicable　moans：　well；　let　it　be　nasty；　here　I

will　let　you　have　a　nastier　flourish　in　a　minute。。。。〃　　You　do　not

understand　even　now；　gentlemen？　　No；　it　seems　our　　development

and　our　consciousness　must　go　further　to　understand　all　the

intricacies　of　this　pleasure。　　You　laugh？　　Delighted。　　My　jests；

gentlemen；　are　of　course　in　bad　taste；　jerky；　involved；　lacking

self…confidence。　　But　of　course　that　is　because　I　do　not　respect

myself。　　Can　a　man　of　perception　respect　himself　at　all？





V



Come；　can　a　man　who　attempts　to　find　enjoyment　in　the　very

feeling　of　his　own　degradation　possibly　have　a　spark　of　respect

for　himself？　　I　am　not　saying　this　now　from　any　mawkish　kind　of

remorse。　　And；　indeed；　I　could　never　endure　saying；　〃Forgive　me；

Papa；　I　won't　do　it　again；〃　not　because　I　am　incapable　of　saying

thaton　the　contrary；　perhaps　just　because　I　have　been　too

capable　of　it；　and　in　what　a　way；　too。　　As　though　of　design　I

used　to　get　into　trouble　in　cases　when　I　was　not　to　blame　in　any

way。　　That　was　the　nastiest　part　of　it。　　At　the　same　time　I　was

genuinely　touched　and　penitent；　I　used　to　shed　tears　and；　of

course；　deceived　myself；　though　I　was　not　acting　in　the　least　and

there　was　a　sick　feeling　in　my　heart　at　the　time。。。。　For　that　one

could　not　blame　even　the　laws　of　nature；　though　the　laws　of

nature　have　continually　all　my　life　offended　me　more　than

anything。　　It　is　loathsome　to　remember　it　all；　but　it　was

loathsome　even　then。　　Of　course；　a　minute　or　so　later　I　would

realise　wrathfully　that　it　was　all　a　lie；　a　revolting　lie；　an

affected　lie；　that　is；　all　this　penitence；　this　emotion；　these

vows　of　reform。　　You　will　ask　why　did　I　worry　myself　with　such

antics：　answer；　because　it　was　very　dull　to　sit　with　one's　hands

folded；　and　so　one　began　cutting　capers。　　That　is　really　it。　

Observe　yourselves　more　carefully；　gentlemen；　then　you　will

understand　that　it　is　so。　I　invented　adventures　for　myself　and

made　up　a　life；　so　as　at　least　to　live　in　some　way。　　How　many

times　it　has　happened　to　mewell；　for　instance；　to　take　offence

simply　on　purpose；　for　nothing；　and　one　knows　oneself；　of　course；

that　one　is　offended　at　nothing；　that　one　is　putting　it　on；　but

yet　one　brings　oneself　at　last　to　the　point　of　being　really

offended。　　All　my　life　I　have　had　an　impulse　to　play　such　pranks；

so　that　in　the　end　I　could　not　control　it　in　myself。　　Another

time；　twice；　in　fact；　I　tried　hard　to　be　in　love。　　I　suffered；

too；　gentlemen；　I　assure　you。　　In　the　depth　of　my　heart　there　was

no　faith　in　my　suffering；　only　a　faint　stir　of　mockery；　but　yet　I

did　suffer；　and　in　the　real；　orthodox　way；　I　was　jealous；　beside

myself　。。。　　and　it　was　all　from　ennui；　gentlemen；　all　from　ennui；

inertia　overcame　　me。　You　know　the　direct；　legitimate　fruit　of

consciousness　is　inertia；　that　is；　conscious

sitting…with…the…hands…folded。　　I　have　referred　to　this　already。　

I　repeat；　I　repeat　with　emphasis：　all　〃direct〃　persons　and　men　of

action　are　active　just　because　they　are　stupid　and　limited。　　How

explain　that？　　I　will　tell　you：　in　consequence　of　their

limitation　they　take　immediate　and　secondary　causes　for　primary

ones；　and　in　that　way　persuade　themselves　more　quickly　and　easily

than　other　people　do　that　they　have　found　an　infallible

foundation　for　their　activity；　and　their　minds　are　at　ease　and

you　know　that　is　the　chief　thing。　　To　begin　to　act；　you　know；　you

must　first　have　your　mind　completely　at　ease　and　no　trace　of

doubt　left　in　it。　　Why；　how　am　I；　for　example　to　set　my　mind　at

rest？　　Where　are　the　primary　causes　on　which　I　am　to　build？　

Where　are　my　foundations？　　Where　am　I　to　get　them　from？　　I

exercise　myself　in　reflection；　and　consequently　with　me　every

primary　cause　at　once　draws　after　itself　another　still　more

primary；　and　so　on　to　infinity。　　That　is　just　the　essence　of

every　sort　of　consciousness　and　reflection。　　It　must　be　a　case　of

the　laws　of　nature　again。　　What　is　the　result　of　it　in　the　end？　

Why；　just　the　same。　　Remember　I　spoke　just　now　of　vengeance。　（I

am　sure　you　did　not　take　it　in。）　I　said　that　a　man　revenges

himself　because　he　sees　justice　in　it。　　Therefore　he　has　found　a

primary　cause；　that　is；　justice。　　And　so　he　is　at　rest　on　all

sides；　and　consequently　he　carries　out　his　revenge　calmly　and

successfully；　being　persuaded　that　he　is　doing　a　just　and　honest

thing。　　But　I　see　no　justice　in　it；　I　find　no　sort　of　virtue　in

it　either；　and　consequently　if　I　attempt　to　revenge　myself；　it　is

only　out　of　spite。　　Spite；　of　course；　might　overcome　everything；

all　my　doubts；　and　so　might　serve　quite　successfully　in　place　of

a　primary　cause；　precisely　because　it　is　not　a　cause。　　But　what

is　to　be　done　if　I　have　not　even　spite　（I　began　with　that　just

now；　you　know）。　　In　consequence　again　of　those　accursed　laws　of

consciousness；　anger　in　me　is　subject　to　chemical　disintegration。　

You　look　into　it；　the　object　flies　off　into　air；　your　reasons

evaporate；　the　criminal　is　not　to　be　found；　the　wrong　becomes　not

a　wrong　but　a　phantom；　something　like　the　toothache；　for　which　no

one　is　to　blame；　and　consequently　there　is　only　the　same　outlet

left　againthat　is；　to　beat　the　wall　as　hard　as　you　can。　　So　you

give　it　up　with　a　wave　of　the　hand　because　you　have　not　found　a

fundamental　cause。　　And　try　letting　yourself　be　carried　away　by

your　feelings；　blindly；　without　reflection；　without　a　primary

cause；　repelling　consciousness　at　least　for　a　time；　hate　or　love；

if　only　not　to　sit　with　your　hands　folded。　　The　day　after

tomorrow；　at　the　latest；　you　will　begin　despising　yourself　for

having　knowingly　deceived　yourself。