notes from the underground-第30章

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I　was　cursing　and　swearing　at　you　because　of　that　address；　I

hated　you　already　because　of　the　lies　I　had　told　you。　　Because　I

only　like　playing　with　words；　only　dreaming；　but；　do　you　know；

what　I　really　want　is　that　you　should　all　go　to　hell。　　That　is

what　I　want。　　I　want　peace；　yes；　I'd　sell　the　whole　world　for　a

farthing；　straight　off；　so　long　as　I　was　left　in　peace。　　Is　the

world　to　go　to　pot；　or　am　I　to　go　without　my　tea？　　I　say　that　the

world　may　go　to　pot　for　me　so　long　as　I　always　get　my　tea。　　Did

you　know　that；　or　not？　　Well；　anyway；　I　know　that　I　am　a

blackguard；　a　scoundrel；　an　egoist；　a　sluggard。　　Here　I　have　been

shuddering　for　the　last　three　days　at　the　thought　of　your　coming。　

And　do　you　know　what　has　worried　me　particularly　for　these　three

days？　　That　I　posed　as　such　a　hero　to　you；　and　now　you　would　see

me　in　a　wretched　torn　dressing…gown；　beggarly；　loathsome。　　I　told

you　just　now　that　I　was　not　ashamed　of　my　poverty；　so　you　may　as

well　know　that　I　am　ashamed　of　it；　I　am　more　ashamed　of　it　than

of　anything；　more　afraid　of　it　than　of　being　found　out　if　I　were

a　thief；　because　I　am　as　vain　as　though　I　had　been　skinned　and

the　very　air　blowing　on　me　hurt。　　Surely　by　now　you　must　realise

that　I　shall　never　forgive　you　for　having　found　me　in　this

wretched　dressing…gown；　just　as　I　was　flying　at　Apollon　like　a

spiteful　cur。　　The　saviour；　the　former　hero；　was　flying　like　a

mangy；　unkempt　sheep…dog　at　his　lackey；　and　the　lackey　was

jeering　at　him！　　And　I　shall　never　forgive　you　for　the　tears　I

could　not　help　shedding　before　you　just　now；　like　some　silly

woman　put　to　shame！　　And　for　what　I　am　confessing　to　you　now；　I

shall　never　forgive　you　either！　　Yesyou　must　answer　for　it　all

because　you　turned　up　like　this；　because　I　am　a　blackguard；

because　I　am　the　nastiest；　stupidest；　absurdest　and　most　envious

of　all　the　worms　on　earth；　who　are　not　a　bit　better　than　I　am；

but；　the　devil　knows　why；　are　never　put　to　confusion；　while　I

shall　always　be　insulted　by　every　louse；　that　is　my　doom！　　And

what　is　it　to　me　that　you　don't　understand　a　word　of　this！　　And

what　do　I　care；　what　do　I　care　about　you；　and　whether　you　go　to

ruin　there　or　not？　　Do　you　understand？　　How　I　shall　hate　you　now

after　saying　this；　for　having　been　here　and　listening。　　Why；　it's

not　once　in　a　lifetime　a　man　speaks　out　like　this；　and　then　it　is

in　hysterics！　。。。What　more　do　you　want？　　Why　do　you　still　stand

confronting　me；　after　all　this？　　Why　are　you　worrying　me？　　Why

don't　you　go？〃



But　at　this　point　a　strange　thing　happened。　　I　was　so　accustomed

to　think　and　imagine　everything　from　books；　and　to　picture

everything　in　the　world　to　myself　just　as　I　had　made　it　up　in　my

dreams　beforehand；　that　I　could　not　all　at　once　take　in　this

strange　circumstance。　　What　happened　was　this：　Liza；　insulted　and

crushed　by　me；　understood　a　great　deal　more　than　I　imagined。　　She

understood　from　all　this　what　a　woman　understands　first　of　all；

if　she　feels　genuine　love；　that　is；　that　I　was　myself　unhappy。



The　frightened　and　wounded　expression　on　her　face　was　followed

first　by　a　look　of　sorrowful　perplexity。　　When　I　began　calling

myself　a　scoundrel　and　a　blackguard　and　my　tears　flowed　（the

tirade　was　accompanied　throughout　by　tears）　her　whole　face　worked

convulsively。　　She　was　on　the　point　of　getting　up　and　stopping

me；　when　I　finished　she　took　no　notice　of　my　shouting：　〃Why　are

you　here；　why　don't　you　go　away？〃　but　realised　only　that　it　must

have　been　very　bitter　to　me　to　say　all　this。　　Besides；　she　was　so

crushed；　poor　girl；　she　considered　herself　infinitely　beneath　me；

how　could　she　feel　anger　or　resentment？　　She　suddenly　leapt　up

from　her　chair　with　an　irresistible　impulse　and　held　out　her

hands；　yearning　towards　me；　though　still　timid　and　not　daring　to

stir。。。。　At　this　point　there　was　a　revulsion　in　my　heart　too。　

Then　she　suddenly　rushed　to　me；　threw　her　arms　round　me　and　burst

into　tears。　　I；　too；　could　not　restrain　myself；　and　sobbed　as　I

never　had　before。。。



〃They　won't　let　me。。。I　can't　be。。。good！〃　I　managed　to　articulate；

then　I　went　to　the　sofa；　fell　on　it　face　downwards；　and　sobbed　on

it　for　a　quarter　of　an　hour　in　genuine　hysterics。　　She　came　close

to　me；　put　her　arms　round　me　and　stayed　motionless　in　that

position。　　But　the　trouble　was　that　the　hysterics　could　not　go　on

for　ever；　and　（I　am　writing　the　loathsome　truth）　lying　face

downwards　on　the　sofa　with　my　face　thrust　into　my　nasty　leather

pillow；　I　began　by　degrees　to　be　aware　of　a　far…away；　involuntary

but　irresistible　feeling　that　it　would　be　awkward　now　for　me　to

raise　my　head　and　look　Liza　straight　in　the　face。　　Why　was　I

ashamed？　　I　don't　know；　but　I　was　ashamed。　　The　thought；　too；

came　into　my　overwrought　brain　that　our　parts　now　were　completely

changed；　that　she　was　now　the　heroine；　while　I　was　just　a　crushed

and　humiliated　creature　as　she　had　been　before　me　that

nightfour　days　before。。。。　And　all　this　came　into　my　mind　during

the　minutes　I　was　lying　on　my　face　on　the　sofa。



My　God！　　surely　I　was　not　envious　of　her　then。



I　don't　know；　to　this　day　I　cannot　decide；　and　at　the　time；　of

course；　I　was　still　less　able　to　understand　what　I　was　feeling

than　now。　　I　cannot　get　on　without　domineering　and　tyrannising

over　someone；　but　。。。　there　is　no　explaining　anything　by

reasoning　and　so　it　is　useless　to　reason。



I　conquered　myself；　however；　and　raised　my　head；　I　had　to　do　so

sooner　or　later。。。and　I　am　convinced　to　this　day　that　it　was　just

became　I　was　ashamed　to　look　at　her　that　another　feeling　was

suddenly　kindled　and　flamed　up　in　my　heart。。。a　feeling　of　mastery

and　possession。　　My　eyes　gleamed　with　passion；　and　I　gripped　her

hands　tightly。　　How　I　hated　her　and　how　I　was　drawn　to　her　at

that　minute！　　The　one　feeling　intensified　the　other。　　It　was

almost　like　an　act　of　vengeance。　　At　first　there　was　a　look　of

amazement；　even　of　terror　on　her　face；　but　only　for　one　instant。　

She　warmly　and　rapturously　embraced　me。





X



A　quarter　of　an　hour　later　I　was　rushing　up　and　down　the　room　in

frenzied　impatience；　from　minute　to　minute　I　went　up　to　the

screen　and　peeped　through　the　crack　at　Liza。　　She　was　sitting　on

the　floor　with　her　head　leaning　against　the　bed；　and　must　have

been　crying。　　But　she　did　not　go　away；　and　that　irritated　me。　

This　time　she　understood　it　all。　　I　had　insulted　her　finally；

but。。。there's　no　need　to　describe　it。　　She　realised　that　my

outburst　of　passion　had　been　simply　revenge；　a　fresh　humiliation；

and　that　to　my　earlier；　almost　causeless　hatred　was　added　now　a

_personal　hatred_；　born　of　envy。。。。Though　I　do　not　maintain

positively　that　she　understood　all　this　distinctly；　but　she

certainly　did　fully　understand　that　I　was　a　despicable　man；　and

what　was　worse；　incapable　of　loving　her。



I　know　I　shall　be　told　that　this　is　incrediblebut　it　is

incredible　to　be　as　spiteful　and　stupid　as　I　was；　it　may　be　added

that　it　was　strange　I　should　not　love　her；　or　at　any　rate；

appreciate　her　love。　　Why　is　it　strange？　　In　the　first　place；　by

then　I　was　incapable　of　love；　for　I　repeat；　with　me　loving　meant

tyrannising　and　showing　my　moral　superiority。　　I　have　never　in　my

life　been　able　to　imagine　any　other　sort　of　love；　and　have

nowadays　come　to　the　point　of　sometimes　thinking　that　love　really

consists　in　the　rightfreely　given　by　the　beloved　objectto

tyrannise　over　her。



Even　in　my　underground　dreams　I　did　not　imagine　love　except　as　a

struggle。　　I　began　it　always　with　hatred　and　ended　it　with　moral

subjugation；　and　afterwards　I　never　knew　what　to　do　with　the

subjugated　object。　　And　what　is　there　to　wonder　at　in　that；　since

I　had　succeeded　in　so　corrupting　myself；　since　I　was　so　out　of

touch　with　〃real　life；〃　as　to　have　actually　thought　of

reproaching　her；　and　putting　her　to　shame　for　having　come　to　me

to　hear　〃fine　sentiments〃；　and　did　not　even　guess　that　she　had

come　not　to　hear　fine　sentiments；　but　to　love　me；　becaus