notes from the underground-第3章

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himself　as　a　mouse　and　not　a　man。　　It　may　be　an　acutely　conscious

mouse；　yet　it　is　a　mouse；　while　the　other　is　a　man；　and

therefore；　et　caetera；　et　caetera。　　And　the　worst　of　it　is；　he

himself；　his　very　own　self；　looks　on　himself　as　a　mouse；　no　one

asks　him　to　do　so；　and　that　is　an　important　point。　　



Now　let　us　look　at　this　mouse　in　action。　　Let　us　suppose；　for

instance；　that　it　feels　insulted；　too　（and　it　almost　always　does

feel　insulted）；　and　wants　to　revenge　itself；　too。　　There　may　even

be　a　greater　accumulation　of　spite　in　it　than　in　l'homme　de　la

nature　et　de　la　verite。　　The　base　and　nasty　desire　to　vent　that

spite　on　its　assailant　rankles　perhaps　even　more　nastily　in　it

than　in　l'homme　de　la　nature　et　de　la　verite。　　For　through　his

innate　stupidity　the　latter　looks　upon　his　revenge　as　justice

pure　and　simple；　while　in　consequence　of　his　acute　consciousness

the　mouse　does　not　believe　in　the　justice　of　it。　　To　come　at　last

to　the　deed　itself；　to　the　very　act　of　revenge。　　Apart　from　the

one　fundamental　nastiness　the　luckless　mouse　succeeds　in　creating

around　it　so　many　other　nastinesses　in　the　form　of　doubts　and

questions；　adds　to　the　one　question　so　many　unsettled　questions

that　there　inevitably　works　up　around　it　a　sort　of　fatal　brew；　a

stinking　mess；　made　up　of　its　doubts；　emotions；　and　of　the

contempt　spat　upon　it　by　the　direct　men　of　action　who　stand

solemnly　about　it　as　judges　and　arbitrators；　laughing　at　it　till

their　healthy　sides　ache。　　Of　course　the　only　thing　left　for　it

is　to　dismiss　all　that　with　a　wave　of　its　paw；　and；　with　a　smile

of　assumed　contempt　in　which　it　does　not　even　itself　believe；

creep　ignominiously　into　its　mouse…hole。　　There　in　its　nasty；

stinking；　underground　home　our　insulted；　crushed　and　ridiculed

mouse　promptly　becomes　absorbed　in　cold；　malignant　and；　above

all；　everlasting　spite。　　For　forty　years　together　it　will

remember　its　injury　down　to　the　smallest；　most　ignominious

details；　and　every　time　will　add；　of　itself；　details　still　more

ignominious；　spitefully　teasing　and　tormenting　itself　with　its

own　imagination。　　It　will　itself　be　ashamed　of　its　imaginings；

but　yet　it　will　recall　it　all；　it　will　go　over　and　over　every

detail；　it　will　invent　unheard　of　things　against　itself；

pretending　that　those　things　might　happen；　and　will　forgive

nothing。　　Maybe　it　will　begin　to　revenge　itself；　too；　but；　as　it

were；　piecemeal；　in　trivial　ways；　from　behind　the　stove；

incognito；　without　believing　either　in　its　own　right　to

vengeance；　or　in　the　success　of　its　revenge；　knowing　that　from

all　its　efforts　at　revenge　it　will　suffer　a　hundred　times　more

than　he　on　whom　it　revenges　itself；　while　he；　I　daresay；　will　not

even　scratch　himself。　　On　its　deathbed　it　will　recall　it　all　over

again；　with　interest　accumulated　over　all　the　years　and　。。。　But

it　is　just　in　that　cold；　abominable　half　despair；　half　belief；　in

that　conscious　burying　oneself　alive　for　grief　in　the　underworld

for　forty　years；　in　that　acutely　recognised　and　yet　partly

doubtful　hopelessness　of　one's　position；　in　that　hell　of

unsatisfied　desires　turned　inward；　in　that　fever　of　oscillations；

of　resolutions　determined　for　ever　and　repented　of　again　a　minute

laterthat　the　savour　of　that　strange　enjoyment　of　which　I　have

spoken　lies。　　It　is　so　subtle；　so　difficult　of　analysis；　that

persons　who　are　a　little　limited；　or　even　simply　persons　of

strong　nerves；　will　not　understand　a　single　atom　of　it。　

〃Possibly；〃　you　will　add　on　your　own　account　with　a　grin；　〃people

will　not　understand　it　either　who　have　never　received　a　slap　in

the　face；〃　and　in　that　way　you　will　politely　hint　to　me　that　I；

too；　perhaps；　have　had　the　experience　of　a　slap　in　the　face　in　my

life；　and　so　I　speak　as　one　who　knows。　　I　bet　that　you　are

thinking　that。　　But　set　your　minds　at　rest；　gentlemen；　I　have　not

received　a　slap　in　the　face；　though　it　is　absolutely　a　matter　of

indifference　to　me　what　you　may　think　about　it。　　Possibly；　I　even

regret；　myself；　that　I　have　given　so　few　slaps　in　the　face　during

my　life。　　But　enough　。。。　not　another　word　on　that　subject　of　such

extreme　interest　to　you。



I　will　continue　calmly　concerning　persons　with　strong　nerves　who

do　not　understand　a　certain　refinement　of　enjoyment。　　Though　in

certain　circumstances　these　gentlemen　bellow　their　loudest　like

bulls；　though　this；　let　us　suppose；　does　them　the　greatest

credit；　yet；　as　I　have　said　already；　confronted　with　the

impossible　they　subside　at　once。　　The　impossible　means　the　stone

wall！　　What　stone　wall？　　Why；　of　course；　the　laws　of　nature；　the

deductions　of　natural　science；　mathematics。　　As　soon　as　they

prove　to　you；　for　instance；　that　you　are　descended　from　a　monkey；

then　it　is　no　use　scowling；　accept　it　for　a　fact。　　When　they

prove　to　you　that　in　reality　one　drop　of　your　own　fat　must　be

dearer　to　you　than　a　hundred　thousand　of　your　fellow…creatures；

and　that　this　conclusion　is　the　final　solution　of　all　so…called

virtues　and　duties　and　all　such　prejudices　and　fancies；　then　you

have　just　to　accept　it；　there　is　no　help　for　it；　for　twice　two　is

a　law　of　mathematics。　　Just　try　refuting　it。



〃Upon　my　word；〃　they　will　shout　at　you；　〃it　is　no　use　protesting：

it　is　a　case　of　twice　two　makes　four！　　Nature　does　not　ask　your

permission；　she　has　nothing　to　do　with　your　wishes；　and　whether

you　like　her　laws　or　dislike　them；　you　are　bound　to　accept　her　as

she　is；　and　consequently　all　her　conclusions。　　A　wall；　you　see；

is　a　wall　。。。　and　so　on；　and　so　on。〃　　Merciful　Heavens！　　but　what

do　I　care　for　the　laws　of　nature　and　arithmetic；　when；　for　some

reason　I　dislike　those　laws　and　the　fact　that　twice　two　makes

four？　　Of　course　I　cannot　break　through　the　wall　by　battering　my

head　against　it　if　I　really　have　not　the　strength　to　knock　it

down；　but　I　am　not　going　to　be　reconciled　to　it　simply　because　it

is　a　stone　wall　and　I　have　not　the　strength。



As　though　such　a　stone　wall　really　were　a　consolation；　and　really

did　contain　some　word　of　conciliation；　simply　because　it　is　as

true　as　twice　two　makes　four。　　Oh；　absurdity　of　absurdities！　　How

much　better　it　is　to　understand　it　all；　to　recognise　it　all；　all

the　impossibilities　and　the　stone　wall；　not　to　be　reconciled　to

one　of　those　impossibilities　and　stone　walls　if　it　disgusts　you

to　be　reconciled　to　it；　by　the　way　of　the　most　inevitable；

logical　combinations　to　reach　the　most　revolting　conclusions　on

the　everlasting　theme；　that　even　for　the　stone　wall　you　are

yourself　somehow　to　blame；　though　again　it　is　as　clear　as　day　you

are　not　to　blame　in　the　least；　and　therefore　grinding　your　teeth

in　silent　impotence　to　sink　into　luxurious　inertia；　brooding　on

the　fact　that　there　is　no　one　even　for　you　to　feel　vindictive

against；　that　you　have　not；　and　perhaps　never　will　have；　an

object　for　your　spite；　that　it　is　a　sleight　of　hand；　a　bit　of

juggling；　a　card…　sharper's　trick；　that　it　is　simply　a　mess；　no

knowing　what　and　no　knowing　who；　but　in　spite　of　all　these

uncertainties　and　jugglings；　still　there　is　an　ache　in　you；　and

the　more　you　do　not　know；　the　worse　the　ache。





IV



〃Ha；　ha；　ha！　　You　will　be　finding　enjoyment　in　toothache　next；〃

you　cry；　with　a　laugh。



〃Well；　even　in　toothache　there　is　enjoyment；〃　I　answer。　　I　had

toothache　for　a　whole　month　and　I　know　there　is。　　In　that　case；

of　course；　people　are　not　spiteful　in　silence；　but　moan；　but　they

are　not　candid　moans；　they　are　malignant　moans；　and　the

malignancy　is　the　whole　point。　　The　enjoyment　of　the　sufferer

finds　expression　in　those　moans；　if　he　did　not　feel　enjoyment　in

them　he　would　not　moan。　　It　is　a　good　example；　gentlemen；　and　I

will　develop　it。　　Those　moans　express　in　the　first　place　all　the

aimlessness　of　your　pain；　which　is　so　humiliating　to　your

consciousness；　the　whole　legal　system　of　nature　on　which　you　spit

disdainfully；　of　course；　but　from　which　you　suffer　all　the　same

while　she　does　not。　　They　express　the　consciousness　that　you