notes from the underground-第29章

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gazed　at　me　open…eyed；　evidently　expecting　something　from　me　at

once。　　This　naivete　of　expectation　drove　me　to　fury；　but　I

restrained　myself。



She　ought　to　have　tried　not　to　notice；　as　though　everything　had

been　as　usual；　while　instead　of　that；　she。。。and　I　dimly　felt　that

I　should　make　her　pay　dearly　for　_all　this_。



〃You　have　found　me　in　a　strange　position；　Liza；〃　I　began；

stammering　and　knowing　that　this　was　the　wrong　way　to　begin。　

〃No；　no；　don't　imagine　anything；〃　I　cried；　seeing　that　she　had

suddenly　flushed。　　〃I　am　not　ashamed　of　my　poverty。。。On　the

contrary；　I　look　with　pride　on　my　poverty。　　I　am　poor　but

honourable。。。。One　can　be　poor　and　honourable；〃　I　muttered。　

〃However。。。would　you　like　tea？。。。。〃



〃No；〃　she　was　beginning。



〃Wait　a　minute。〃



I　leapt　up　and　ran　to　Apollon。　　I　had　to　get　out　of　the　room

somehow。



〃Apollon；〃　I　whispered　in　feverish　haste；　flinging　down　before

him　the　seven　roubles　which　had　remained　all　the　time　in　my

clenched　fist；　〃here　are　your　wages；　you　see　I　give　them　to　you；

but　for　that　you　must　come　to　my　rescue：　bring　me　tea　and　a　dozen

rusks　from　the　restaurant。　　If　you　won't　go；　you'll　make　me　a

miserable　man！　　You　don't　know　what　this　woman　is。。。。This

iseverything！　　You　may　be　imagining　something。。。。But　you　don't

know　what　that　woman　is！　　。。。〃



Apollon；　who　had　already　sat　down　to　his　work　and　put　on　his

spectacles　again；　at　first　glanced　askance　at　the　money　without

speaking　or　putting　down　his　needle；　then；　without　paying　the

slightest　attention　to　me　or　making　any　answer；　he　went　on

busying　himself　with　his　needle；　which　he　had　not　yet　threaded。　

I　waited　before　him　for　three　minutes　with　my　arms　crossed　a　la

Napoleon。　　My　temples　were　moist　with　sweat。　　I　was　pale；　I　felt

it。　　But；　thank　God；　he　must　have　been　moved　to　pity；　looking　at

me。　　Having　threaded　his　needle　he　deliberately　got　up　from　his

seat；　deliberately　moved　back　his　chair；　deliberately　took　off

his　spectacles；　deliberately　counted　the　money；　and　finally

asking　me　over　his　shoulder：　〃Shall　I　get　a　whole　portion？〃

deliberately　walked　out　of　the　room。　　As　I　was　going　back　to

Liza；　the　thought　occurred　to　me　on　the　way：　shouldn't　I　run　away

just　as　I　was　in　my　dressing…gown；　no　matter　where；　and　then　let

happen　what　would？



I　sat　down　again。　　She　looked　at　me　uneasily。　　For　some　minutes

we　were　silent。



〃I　will　kill　him；〃　I　shouted　suddenly；　striking　the　table　with　my

fist　so　that　the　ink　spurted　out　of　the　inkstand。



〃What　are　you　saying！〃　she　cried；　starting。



〃I　will　kill　him！　　kill　him！〃　I　shrieked；　suddenly　striking　the

table　in　absolute　frenzy；　and　at　the　same　time　fully

understanding　how　stupid　it　was　to　be　in　such　a　frenzy。　　〃You

don't　know；　Liza；　what　that　torturer　is　to　me。　He　is　my

torturer。。。。He　has　gone　now　to　fetch　some　rusks；　he　。。。〃



And　suddenly　I　burst　into　tears。　　It　was　an　hysterical　attack。　

How　ashamed　I　felt　in　the　midst　of　my　sobs；　but　still　I　could　not

restrain　them。



She　was　frightened。



〃What　is　the　matter？　　What　is　wrong？〃　she　cried；　fussing　about

me。



〃Water；　give　me　water；　over　there！〃　I　muttered　in　a　faint　voice；

though　I　was　inwardly　conscious　that　I　could　have　got　on　very

well　without　water　and　without　muttering　in　a　faint　voice。　　But　I

was；　what　is　called；　_putting　it　on_；　to　save　appearances；　though

the　attack　was　a　genuine　one。



She　gave　me　water；　looking　at　me　in　bewilderment。　　At　that　moment

Apollon　brought　in　the　tea。　　It　suddenly　seemed　to　me　that　this

commonplace；　prosaic　tea　was　horribly　undignified　and　paltry

after　all　that　had　happened；　and　I　blushed　crimson。　　Liza　looked

at　Apollon　with　positive　alarm。　　He　went　out　without　a　glance　at

either　of　us。



〃Liza；　do　you　despise　me？〃　I　asked；　looking　at　her　fixedly；

trembling　with　impatience　to　know　what　she　was　thinking。



She　was　confused；　and　did　not　know　what　to　answer。



〃Drink　your　tea；〃　I　said　to　her　angrily。　　I　was　angry　with

myself；　but；　of　course；　it　was　she　who　would　have　to　pay　for　it。　

A　horrible　spite　against　her　suddenly　surged　up　in　my　heart；　I

believe　I　could　have　killed　her。　　To　revenge　myself　on　her　I

swore　inwardly　not　to　say　a　word　to　her　all　the　time。　　〃She　is

the　cause　of　it　all；〃　I　thought。



Our　silence　lasted　for　five　minutes。　　The　tea　stood　on　the　table；

we　did　not　touch　it。　　I　had　got　to　the　point　of　purposely

refraining　from　beginning　in　order　to　embarrass　her　further；　it

was　awkward　for　her　to　begin　alone。　　Several　times　she　glanced　at

me　with　mournful　perplexity。　　I　was　obstinately　silent。　　I　was；

of　course；　myself　the　chief　sufferer；　because　I　was　fully

conscious　of　the　disgusting　meanness　of　my　spiteful　stupidity；

and　yet　at　the　same　time　I　could　not　restrain　myself。



〃I　want　to。。。get　away。。。from　there　altogether；〃　she　began；　to

break　the　silence　in　some　way；　but；　poor　girl；　that　was　just　what

she　ought　not　to　have　spoken　about　at　such　a　stupid　moment　to　a

man　so　stupid　as　I　was。　　My　heart　positively　ached　with　pity　for

her　tactless　and　unnecessary　straightforwardness。　　But　something

hideous　at　once　stifled　all　compassion　in　me；　it　even　provoked　me

to　greater　venom。　　I　did　not　care　what　happened。　　Another　five

minutes　passed。



〃Perhaps　I　am　in　your　way；〃　she　began　timidly；　hardly　audibly；

and　was　getting　up。



But　as　soon　as　I　saw　this　first　impulse　of　wounded　dignity　I

positively　trembled　with　spite；　and　at　once　burst　out。



〃Why　have　you　come　to　me；　tell　me　that；　please？〃　I　began；　gasping

for　breath　and　regardless　of　logical　connection　in　my　words。　　I

longed　to　have　it　all　out　at　once；　at　one　burst；　I　did　not　even

trouble　how　to　begin。　　〃Why　have　you　come？　　Answer；　answer；〃　I

cried；　hardly　knowing　what　I　was　doing。　　〃I'll　tell　you；　my　good

girl；　why　you　have　come。　　You've　come　because　I　talked

sentimental　stuff　to　you　then。　　So　now　you　are　soft　as　butter　and

longing　for　fine　sentiments　again。　　So　you　may　as　well　know　that

I　was　laughing　at　you　then。　　And　I　am　laughing　at　you　now。　　Why

are　you　shuddering？　　Yes；　I　was　laughing　at　you！　　I　had　been

insulted　just　before；　at　dinner；　by　the　fellows　who　came　that

evening　before　me。　　I　came　to　you；　meaning　to　thrash　one　of　them；

an　officer；　but　I　didn't　succeed；　I　didn't　find　him；　I　had　to

avenge　the　insult　on　someone　to　get　back　my　own　again；　you　turned

up；　I　vented　my　spleen　on　you　and　laughed　at　you。　　I　had　been

humiliated；　so　I　wanted　to　humiliate；　I　had　been　treated　like　a

rag；　so　I　wanted　to　show　my　power。。。。　hat's　what　it　was；　and　you

imagined　I　had　come　there　on　purpose　to　save　you。　　Yes？　　You

imagined　that？　　You　imagined　that？〃



I　knew　that　she　would　perhaps　be　muddled　and　not　take　it　all　in

exactly；　but　I　knew；　too；　that　she　would　grasp　the　gist　of　it；

very　well　indeed。　　And　so；　indeed；　she　did。　　She　turned　white　as

a　handkerchief；　tried　to　say　something；　and　her　lips　worked

painfully；　but　she　sank　on　a　chair　as　though　she　had　been　felled

by　an　axe。　　And　all　the　time　afterwards　she　listened　to　me　with

her　lips　parted　and　her　eyes　wide　open；　shuddering　with　awful

terror。　　The　cynicism；　the　cynicism　of　my　words　overwhelmed

her。。。。



〃Save　you！〃　I　went　on；　jumping　up　from　my　chair　and　running　up

and　down　the　room　before　her。　　〃Save　you　from　what？　　But　perhaps

I　am　worse　than　you　myself。　　Why　didn't　you　throw　it　in　my　teeth

when　I　was　giving　you　that　sermon：　'But　what　did　you　come　here

yourself　for？　　was　it　to　read　us　a　sermon？'　Power；　power　was　what

I　wanted　then；　sport　was　what　I　wanted；　I　wanted　to　wring　out

your　tears；　your　humiliation；　your　hysteriathat　was　what　I

wanted　then！　　Of　course；　I　couldn't　keep　it　up　then；　because　I　am

a　wretched　creature；　I　was　frightened；　and；　the　devil　knows　why；

gave　you　my　address　in　my　folly。　　Afterwards；　before　I　got　home；

I　was　cursing　and　swearing　at　you　because　of　that　address；　I

hated　you　already　because　of　the　lies　I　had　told　you。　　Because　I

only