notes from the underground-第28章

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known　where　to　hide　my　head。　　But　I　was　so　exasperated　with

everyone　during　those　days；　that　I　made　up　my　mind　for　some

reason　and　with　some　object　to　_punish_　Apollon　and　not　to　pay

him　for　a　fortnight　the　wages　that　were　owing　him。　　I　had　for　a

long　timefor　the　last　two　yearsbeen　intending　to　do　this；

simply　in　order　to　teach　him　not　to　give　himself　airs　with　me；

and　to　show　him　that　if　I　liked　I　could　withhold　his　wages。　　I

purposed　to　say　nothing　to　him　about　it；　and　was　purposely　silent

indeed；　in　order　to　score　off　his　pride　and　force　him　to　be　the

first　to　speak　of　his　wages。　　Then　I　would　take　the　seven　roubles

out　of　a　drawer；　show　him　I　have　the　money　put　aside　on　purpose；

but　that　I　won't；　I　won't；　I　simply　won't　pay　him　his　wages；　I

won't　just　because　that　is　〃what　I　wish；〃　because　〃I　am　master；

and　it　is　for　me　to　decide；〃　because　he　has　been　disrespectful；

because　he　has　been　rude；　but　if　he　were　to　ask　respectfully　I

might　be　softened　and　give　it　to　him；　otherwise　he　might　wait

another　fortnight；　another　three　weeks；　a　whole　month。。。。



But　angry　as　I　was；　yet　he　got　the　better　of　me。　　I　could　not

hold　out　for　four　days。　　He　began　as　he　always　did　begin　in　such

cases；　for　there　had　been　such　cases　already；　there　had　been

attempts　（and　it　may　be　observed　I　knew　all　this　beforehand；　I

knew　his　nasty　tactics　by　heart）。　　He　would　begin　by　fixing　upon

me　an　exceedingly　severe　stare；　keeping　it　up　for　several　minutes

at　a　time；　particularly　on　meeting　me　or　seeing　me　out　of　the

house。　　If　I　held　out　and　pretended　not　to　notice　these　stares；

he　would；　still　in　silence；　proceed　to　further　tortures。　　All　at

once；　a　propos　of　nothing；　he　would　walk　softly　and　smoothly　into

my　room；　when　I　was　pacing　up　and　down　or　reading；　stand　at　the

door；　one　hand　behind　his　back　and　one　foot　behind　the　other；　and

fix　upon　me　a　stare　more　than　severe；　utterly　contemptuous。　　If　I

suddenly　asked　him　what　he　wanted；　he　would　make　me　no　answer；

but　continue　staring　at　me　persistently　for　some　seconds；　then；

with　a　peculiar　compression　of　his　lips　and　a　most　significant

air；　deliberately　turn　round　and　deliberately　go　back　to　his

room。　　Two　hours　later　he　would　come　out　again　and　again　present

himself　before　me　in　the　same　way。　　It　had　happened　that　in　my

fury　I　did　not　even　ask　him　what　he　wanted；　but　simply　raised　my

head　sharply　and　imperiously　and　began　staring　back　at　him。　　So

we　stared　at　one　another　for　two　minutes；　at　last　he　turned　with

deliberation　and　dignity　and　went　back　again　for　two　hours。



If　I　were　still　not　brought　to　reason　by　all　this；　but　persisted

in　my　revolt；　he　would　suddenly　begin　sighing　while　he　looked　at

me；　long；　deep　sighs　as　though　measuring　by　them　the　depths　of　my

moral　degradation；　and；　of　course；　it　ended　at　last　by　his

triumphing　completely：　I　raged　and　shouted；　but　still　was　forced

to　do　what　he　wanted。



This　time　the　usual　staring　manoeuvres　had　scarcely　begun　when　I

lost　my　temper　and　flew　at　him　in　a　fury。　　I　was　irritated　beyond

endurance　apart　from　him。



〃Stay；〃　I　cried；　in　a　frenzy；　as　he　was　slowly　and　silently

turning；　with　one　hand　behind　his　back；　to　go　to　his　room。　

〃Stay！　　Come　back；　come　back；　I　tell　you！〃　and　I　must　have　bawled

so　unnaturally；　that　he　turned　round　and　even　looked　at　me　with

some　wonder。　　However；　he　persisted　in　saying　nothing；　and　that

infuriated　me。



〃How　dare　you　come　and　look　at　me　like　that　without　being　sent

for？　　Answer！〃



After　looking　at　me　calmly　for　half　a　minute；　he　began　turning

round　again。



〃Stay！〃　I　roared；　running　up　to　him；　〃don't　stir！　　There。　

Answer；　now：　what　did　you　come　in　to　look　at？〃



〃If　you　have　any　order　to　give　me　it's　my　duty　to　carry　it　out；〃

he　answered；　after　another　silent　pause；　with　a　slow；　measured

lisp；　raising　his　eyebrows　and　calmly　twisting　his　head　from　one

side　to　another；　all　this　with　exasperating　composure。



〃That's　not　what　I　am　asking　you　about；　you　torturer！〃　I　shouted；

turning　crimson　with　anger。　　〃I'll　tell　you　why　you　came　here

myself：　you　see；　I　don't　give　you　your　wages；　you　are　so　proud

you　don't　want　to　bow　down　and　ask　for　it；　and　so　you　come　to

punish　me　with　your　stupid　stares；　to　worry　me　and　you　have　no

sus。。。pic。。。ion　how　stupid　it　isstupid；　stupid；　stupid；　stupid！

。。。〃



He　would　have　turned　round　again　without　a　word；　but　I　seized

him。



〃Listen；〃　I　shouted　to　him。　　〃Here's　the　money；　do　you　see；　here

it　is；〃　（I　took　it　out　of　the　table　drawer）；　〃here's　the　seven

roubles　complete；　but　you　are　not　going　to　have　it；　

you。。。are。。。not。。。going。。。to。。。have　it　until　you　come

respectfully　with　bowed　head　to　beg　my　pardon。　　Do　you　hear？〃



〃That　cannot　be；〃　he　answered；　with　the　most　unnatural

self…confidence。



〃It　shall　be　so；〃　I　said；　〃I　give　you　my　word　of　honour；　it　shall

be！〃



〃And　there's　nothing　for　me　to　beg　your　pardon　for；〃　he　went　on；

as　though　he　had　not　noticed　my　exclamations　at　all。　　〃Why；

besides；　you　called　me　a　'torturer；'　for　which　I　can　summon　you

at　the　police…station　at　any　time　for　insulting　behaviour。〃



〃Go；　summon　me；〃　I　roared；　〃go　at　once；　this　very　minute；　this

very　second！　　You　are　a　torturer　all　the　same！　　a　torturer！〃



But　he　merely　looked　at　me；　then　turned；　and　regardless　of　my

loud　calls　to　him；　he　walked　to　his　room　with　an　even　step　and

without　looking　round。



〃If　it　had　not　been　for　Liza　nothing　of　this　would　have

happened；〃　I　decided　inwardly。　　Then；　after　waiting　a　minute；　I

went　myself　behind　his　screen　with　a　dignified　and　solemn　air；

though　my　heart　was　beating　slowly　and　violently。



〃Apollon；〃　I　said　quietly　and　emphatically；　though　I　was

breathless；　〃go　at　once　without　a　minute's　delay　and　fetch　the

police…officer。〃



He　had　meanwhile　settled　himself　at　his　table；　put　on　his

spectacles　and　taken　up　some　sewing。　　But；　hearing　my　order；　he

burst　into　a　guffaw。



〃At　once；　go　this　minute！　　Go　on；　or　else　you　can't　imagine　what

will　happen。〃



〃You　are　certainly　out　of　your　mind；〃　he　observed；　without　even

raising　his　head；　lisping　as　deliberately　as　ever　and　threading

his　needle。　　〃Whoever　heard　of　a　man　sending　for　the　police

against　himself？　　And　as　for　being　frightenedyou　are　upsetting

yourself　about　nothing；　for　nothing　will　come　of　it。〃



〃Go！〃　I　shrieked；　clutching　him　by　the　shoulder。　　I　felt　I　should

strike　him　in　a　minute。



But　I　did　not　notice　the　door　from　the　passage　softly　and　slowly

open　at　that　instant　and　a　figure　come　in；　stop　short；　and　begin

staring　at　us　in　perplexity　I　glanced；　nearly　swooned　with　shame；

and　rushed　back　to　my　room。　　There；　clutching　at　my　hair　with

both　hands；　I　leaned　my　head　against　the　wall　and　stood

motionless　in　that　position。



Two　minutes　later　I　heard　Apollon's　deliberate　footsteps。　　〃There

is　some　woman　asking　for　you；〃　he　said；　looking　at　me　with

peculiar　severity。　　Then　he　stood　aside　and　let　in　Liza。　　He

would　not　go　away；　but　stared　at　us　sarcastically。



〃Go　away；　go　away；〃　I　commanded　in　desperation。　　At　that　moment

my　clock　began　whirring　and　wheezing　and　struck　seven。





IX



〃Into　my　house　come　bold　and　free；

Its　rightful　mistress　there　to　be。〃



I　stood　before　her　crushed；　crestfallen；　revoltingly　confused；

and　I　believe　I　smiled　as　I　did　my　utmost　to　wrap　myself　in　the

skirts　of　my　ragged　wadded　dressing…gownexactly　as　I　had

imagined　the　scene　not　long　before　in　a　fit　of　depression。　　After

standing　over　us　for　a　couple　of　minutes　Apollon　went　away；　but

that　did　not　make　me　more　at　ease。　　What　made　it　worse　was　that

she；　too；　was　overwhelmed　with　confusion；　more　so；　in　fact；　than

I　should　have　expected。　　At　the　sight　of　me；　of　course。



〃Sit　down；〃　I　said　mechanically；　moving　a　chair　up　to　the　table；

and　I　sat　down　on　the　sofa。　　She　obediently　sat　down　at　once　and

gazed　at　me　open…eyed；　evidently　expecting　something　from　me　at

once。　　This　naivete　of