notes from the underground-第23章

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〃See；　Liza；　I　will　tell　you　about　myself。　　If　I　had　had　a　home

from　childhood；　I　shouldn't　be　what　I　am　now。　　I　often　think

that。　　However　bad　it　may　be　at　home；　anyway　they　are　your　father

and　mother；　and　not　enemies；　strangers。　　Once　a　year　at　least；

they'll　show　their　love　of　you。　　Anyway；　you　know　you　are　at

home。　　I　grew　up　without　a　home；　and　perhaps　that's　why　I've

turned　so。。。unfeeling。〃



I　waited　again。　　〃Perhaps　she　doesn't　understand；〃　I　thought；

〃and；　indeed；　it　is　absurdit's　moralising。〃



〃If　I　were　a　father　and　had　a　daughter；　I　believe　I　should　love

my　daughter　more　than　my　sons；　really；〃　I　began　indirectly；　as

though　talking　of　something　else；　to　distract　her　attention。　　I

must　confess　I　blushed。



〃Why　so？〃　she　asked。



Ah！　　so　she　was　listening！



〃I　don't　know；　Liza。　　I　knew　a　father　who　was　a　stern；　austere

man；　but　used　to　go　down　on　his　knees　to　his　daughter；　used　to

kiss　her　hands；　her　feet；　he　couldn't　make　enough　of　her；　really。　

When　she　danced　at　parties　he　used　to　stand　for　five　hours　at　a

stretch；　gazing　at　her。　　He　was　mad　over　her：　I　understand　that！　

She　would　fall　asleep　tired　at　night；　and　he　would　wake　to　kiss

her　in　her　sleep　and　make　the　sign　of　the　cross　over　her。　　He

would　go　about　in　a　dirty　old　coat；　he　was　stingy　to　everyone

else；　but　would　spend　his　last　penny　for　her；　giving　her

expensive　presents；　and　it　was　his　greatest　delight　when　she　was

pleased　with　what　he　gave　her。　　Fathers　always　love　their

daughters　more　than　the　mothers　do。　　Some　girls　live　happily　at

home！　　And　I　believe　I　should　never　let　my　daughters　marry。〃　　　　　



〃What　next？〃　she　said；　with　a　faint　smile。



〃I　should　be　jealous；　I　really　should。　　To　think　that　she　should

kiss　anyone　else！　　That　she　should　love　a　stranger　more　than　her

father！　　It's　painful　to　imagine　it。　　Of　course；　that's　all

nonsense；　of　course　every　father　would　be　reasonable　at　last。　

But　I　believe　before　I　should　let　her　marry；　I　should　worry

myself　to　death；　I　should　find　fault　with　all　her　suitors。　　But　I

should　end　by　letting　her　marry　whom　she　herself　loved。　　The　one

whom　the　daughter　loves　always　seems　the　worst　to　the　father；　you

know。　　That　is　always　so。　　So　many　family　troubles　come　from

that。〃



〃Some　are　glad　to　sell　their　daughters；　rather　than　marrying　them

honourably。〃



Ah；　so　that　was　it！



〃Such　a　thing；　Liza；　happens　in　those　accursed　families　in　which

there　is　neither　love　nor　God；〃　I　retorted　warmly；　〃and　where

there　is　no　love；　there　is　no　sense　either。　　There　are　such

families；　it's　true；　but　I　am　not　speaking　of　them。　　You　must

have　seen　wickedness　in　your　own　family；　if　you　talk　like　that。　

Truly；　you　must　have　been　unlucky。　　H'm！　。。。that　sort　of　thing

mostly　comes　about　through　poverty。〃



〃And　is　it　any　better　with　the　gentry？　　Even　among　the　poor；

honest　people　who　live　happily？〃



〃H'm。。。yes。　　Perhaps。　　Another　thing；　Liza；　man　is　fond　of

reckoning　up　his　troubles；　but　does　not　count　his　joys。　　If　he

counted　them　up　as　he　ought；　he　would　see　that　every　lot　has

enough　happiness　provided　for　it。　　And　what　if　all　goes　well　with

the　family；　if　the　blessing　of　God　is　upon　it；　if　the　husband　is

a　good　one；　loves　you；　cherishes　you；　never　leaves　you！　　There　is

happiness　in　such　a　family！　　Even　sometimes　there　is　happiness　in

the　midst　of　sorrow；　and　indeed　sorrow　is　everywhere。　　If　you

marry　_you　will　find　out　for　yourself_。　　But　think　of　the　first

years　of　married　life　with　one　you　love：　what　happiness；　what

happiness　there　sometimes　is　in　it！　　And　indeed　it's　the　ordinary

thing。　　In　those　early　days　even　quarrels　with　one's　husband　end

happily。　　Some　women　get　up　quarrels　with　their　husbands　just

because　they　love　them。　　Indeed；　I　knew　a　woman　like　that：　she

seemed　to　say　that　because　she　loved　him；　she　would　torment　him

and　make　him　feel　it。　　You　know　that　you　may　torment　a　man　on

purpose　through　love。　　Women　are　particularly　given　to　that；

thinking　to　themselves　'I　will　love　him　so；　I　will　make　so　much

of　him　afterwards；　that　it's　no　sin　to　torment　him　a　little　now。'

And　all　in　the　house　rejoice　in　the　sight　of　you；　and　you　are

happy　and　gay　and　peaceful　and　honourable。。。。　Then　there　are　some

women　who　are　jealous。　　If　he　went　off　anywhereI　knew　one　such

woman；　she　couldn't　restrain　herself；　but　would　jump　up　at　night

and　run　off　on　the　sly　to　find　out　where　he　was；　whether　he　was

with　some　other　woman。　　That's　a　pity。　　And　the　woman　knows

herself　it's　wrong；　and　her　heart　fails　her　and　she　suffers；　but

she　lovesit's　all　through　love。　　And　how　sweet　it　is　to　make　up

after　quarrels；　to　own　herself　in　the　wrong　or　to　forgive　him！　

And　they　both　are　so　happy　all　at　onceas　though　they　had　met

anew；　been　married　over　again；　as　though　their　love　had　begun

afresh。　　And　no　one；　no　one　should　know　what　passes　between

husband　and　wife　if　they　love　one　another。　　And　whatever　quarrels

there　may　be　between　them　they　ought　not　to　call　in　their　own

mother　to　judge　between　them　and　tell　tales　of　one　another。　　They

are　their　own　judges。　　Love　is　a　holy　mystery　and　ought　to　be

hidden　from　all　other　eyes；　whatever　happens。　　That　makes　it

holier　and　better。　　They　respect　one　another　more；　and　much　is

built　on　respect。　　And　if　once　there　has　been　love；　if　they　have

been　married　for　love；　why　should　love　pass　away？　　Surely　one　can

keep　it！　　It　is　rare　that　one　cannot　keep　it。　　And　if　the　husband

is　kind　and　straightforward；　why　should　not　love　last？　　The　first

phase　of　married　love　will　pass；　it　is　true；　but　then　there　will

come　a　love　that　is　better　still。　　Then　there　will　be　the　union

of　souls；　they　will　have　everything　in　common；　there　will　be　no

secrets　between　them。　　And　once　they　have　children；　the　most

difficult　times　will　seem　to　them　happy；　so　long　as　there　is　love

and　courage。　　Even　toil　will　be　a　joy；　you　may　deny　yourself

bread　for　your　children　and　even　that　will　be　a　joy；　They　will

love　you　for　it　afterwards；　so　you　are　laying　by　for　your　future。　

As　the　children　grow　up　you　feel　that　you　are　an　example；　a

support　for　them；　that　even　after　you　die　your　children　will

always　keep　your　thoughts　and　feelings；　because　they　have

received　them　from　you；　they　will　take　on　your　semblance　and

likeness。　　So　you　see　this　is　a　great　duty。　　How　can　it　fail　to

draw　the　father　and　mother　nearer？　　People　say　it's　a　trial　to

have　children。　　Who　says　that？　　It　is　heavenly　happiness！　　Are

you　fond　of　little　children；　Liza？　　I　am　awfully　fond　of　them。　

You　knowa　little　rosy　baby　boy　at　your　bosom；　and　what

husband's　heart　is　not　touched；　seeing　his　wife　nursing　his

child！　　A　plump　little　rosy　baby；　sprawling　and　snuggling；　chubby

little　hands　and　feet；　clean　tiny　little　nails；　so　tiny　that　it

makes　one　laugh　to　took　at　them；　eyes　that　look　as　if　they

understand　everything。　　And　while　it　sucks　it　clutches　at　your

bosom　with　its　little　hand；　plays。　　When　its　father　comes　up；　the

child　tears　itself　away　from　the　bosom；　flings　itself　back；　looks

at　its　father；　laughs；　as　though　it　were　fearfully　funny；　and

falls　to　sucking　again。　　Or　it　will　bite　its　mother's　breast　when

its　little　teeth　are　coming；　while　it　looks　sideways　at　her　with

its　little　eyes　as　though　to　say；　'Look；　I　am　biting！'　Is　not　all

that　happiness　when　they　are　the　three　together；　husband；　wife

and　child？　　One　can　forgive　a　great　deal　for　the　sake　of　such

moments。　　Yes；　Liza；　one　must　first　learn　to　live　oneself　before

one　blames　others！〃



〃It's　by　pictures；　pictures　like　that　one　must　get　at　you；〃　I

thought　to　myself；　though　I　did　speak　with　real　feeling；　and　all

at　once　I　flushed　crimson。　　〃What　if　she　were　suddenly　to　burst

out　laughing；　what　should　I　do　then？〃　　That　idea　drove　me　to

fury。　　Towards　the　end　of　my　speech　I　really　was　excited；　and　now

my　vanity　was　somehow　wounded。　　The　silence　continued。　　I　almost

nudged　her。



〃Why　are　you〃　she　began　and　stopped。　　But　I　un