notes from the underground-第22章

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the　conversation；　but　as　it　were　by　accident。



〃A　coffin？〃



〃Yes；　in　the　Haymarket；　they　were　bringing　it　up　out　of　a

cellar。〃



〃From　a　cellar？〃



〃Not　from　a　cellar；　but　a　basement。　　Oh；　you　know。。。down

below。。。from　a　house　of　ill…fame。　　It　was　filthy　all

round。。。Egg…shells；　litter。。。a　stench。　　It　was　loathsome。〃



Silence。



〃A　nasty　day　to　be　buried；〃　I　began；　simply　to　avoid　being

silent。



〃Nasty；　in　what　way？〃



〃The　snow；　the　wet。〃　（I　yawned。）



〃It　makes　no　difference；〃　she　said　suddenly；　after　a　brief

silence。



〃No；　it's　horrid。〃　（I　yawned　again）。　　〃The　gravediggers　must　have

sworn　at　getting　drenched　by　the　snow。　　And　there　must　have　been

water　in　the　grave。〃



〃Why　water　in　the　grave？〃　she　asked；　with　a　sort　of　curiosity；

but　speaking　even　more　harshly　and　abruptly　than　before。



I　suddenly　began　to　feel　provoked。



〃Why；　there　must　have　been　water　at　the　bottom　a　foot　deep。　　You

can't　dig　a　dry　grave　in　Volkovo　Cemetery。〃



〃Why？〃



〃Why？　　Why；　the　place　is　waterlogged。　　It's　a　regular　marsh。　　So

they　bury　them　in　water。　　I've　seen　it　myself。。。many　times。〃



（I　had　never　seen　it　once；　indeed　I　had　never　been　in　Volkovo；

and　had　only　heard　stories　of　it。）



〃Do　you　mean　to　say；　you　don't　mind　how　you　die？〃



〃But　why　should　I　die？〃　she　answered；　as　though　defending

herself。



〃Why；　some　day　you　will　die；　and　you　will　die　just　the　same　as

that　dead　woman。　　She　was。。。a　girl　like　you。　　She　died　of

consumption。〃



〃A　wench　would　have　died　in　hospital。。。〃　　（She　knows　all　about　it

already：　she　said　〃wench；〃　not　〃girl。〃）



〃She　was　in　debt　to　her　madam；〃　I　retorted；　more　and　more

provoked　by　the　discussion；　〃and　went　on　earning　money　for　her　up

to　the　end；　though　she　was　in　consumption。　　Some　sledge…drivers

standing　by　were　talking　about　her　to　some　soldiers　and　telling

them　so。　　No　doubt　they　knew　her。　　They　were　laughing。　　They　were

going　to　meet　in　a　pot…house　to　drink　to　her　memory。〃



A　great　deal　of　this　was　my　invention。　　Silence　followed；

profound　silence。　　She　did　not　stir。



〃And　is　it　better　to　die　in　a　hospital？〃



〃Isn't　it　just　the　same？　　Besides；　why　should　I　die？〃　she　added

irritably。



〃If　not　now；　a　little　later。〃



〃Why　a　little　later？〃



〃Why；　indeed？　　Now　you　are　young；　pretty；　fresh；　you　fetch　a　high

price。　　But　after　another　year　of　this　life　you　will　be　very

differentyou　will　go　off。〃



〃In　a　year？〃



〃Anyway；　in　a　year　you　will　be　worth　less；〃　I　continued

malignantly。　　〃You　will　go　from　here　to　something　lower；　another

house；　a　year　laterto　a　third；　lower　and　lower；　and　in　seven

years　you　will　come　to　a　basement　in　the　Haymarket。　　That　will　be

if　you　were　lucky。　　But　it　would　be　much　worse　if　you　got　some

disease；　consumption；　say。。。and　caught　a　chill；　or　something　or

other。　　It's　not　easy　to　get　over　an　illness　in　your　way　of　life。　

If　you　catch　anything　you　may　not　get　rid　of　it。　　And　so　you

would　die。〃



〃Oh；　well；　then　I　shall　die；〃　she　answered；　quite　vindictively；

and　she　made　a　quick　movement。



〃But　one　is　sorry。〃



〃Sorry　for　whom？〃



〃Sorry　for　life。〃



Silence。



〃Have　you　been　engaged　to　be　married？　　Eh？〃



〃What's　that　to　you？〃



〃Oh；　I　am　not　cross…examining　you。　　It's　nothing　to　me。　　Why　are

you　so　cross？　　Of　course　you　may　have　had　your　own　troubles。　

What　is　it　to　me？　　It's　simply　that　I　felt　sorry。〃



〃Sorry　for　whom？〃



〃Sorry　for　you。〃



〃No　need；〃　she　whispered　hardly　audibly；　and　again　made　a　faint

movement。



That　incensed　me　at　once。　　What！　　I　was　so　gentle　with　her；　and

she　。。。。



〃Why；　do　you　think　that　you　are　on　the　right　path？〃



〃I　don't　think　anything。〃



〃That's　what's　wrong；　that　you　don't　think。　　Realise　it　while

there　is　still　time。　　There　still　is　time。　　You　are　still　young；

good…looking；　you　might　love；　be　married；　be　happy。。。　。〃



〃Not　all　married　women　are　happy；〃　she　snapped　out　in　the　rude

abrupt　tone　she　had　used　at　first。



〃Not　all；　of　course；　but　anyway　it　is　much　better　than　the　life

here。　　Infinitely　better。　　Besides；　with　love　one　can　live　even

without　happiness。　　Even　in　sorrow　life　is　sweet；　life　is　sweet；

however　one　lives。　　But　here　what　is　there　but。。。foulness？　　

Phew！〃



I　turned　away　with　disgust；　I　was　no　longer　reasoning　coldly。　　I

began　to　feel　myself　what　I　was　saying　and　warmed　to　the　subject。　

I　was　already　longing　to　expound　the　cherished　ideas　I　had

brooded　over　in　my　corner。　　Something　suddenly　flared　up　in　me。　

An　object　had　appeared　before　me。



〃Never　mind　my　being　here；　I　am　not　an　example　for　you。　　I　am；

perhaps；　worse　than　you　are。　　I　was　drunk　when　I　came　here；

though；〃　I　hastened；　however；　to　say　in　self…defence。　　〃Besides；

a　man　is　no　example　for　a　woman。　　It's　a　different　thing。　　I　may

degrade　and　defile　myself；　but　I　am　not　anyone's　slave。　　I　come

and　go；　and　that's　an　end　of　it。　　I　shake　it　off；　and　I　am　a

different　man。　　But　you　are　a　slave　from　the　start。　　Yes；　a

slave！　　You　give　up　everything；　your　whole　freedom。　　If　you　want

to　break　your　chains　afterwards；　you　won't　be　able　to；　you　will

be　more　and　more　fast　in　the　snares。　　It　is　an　accursed　bondage。　

I　know　it。　　I　won't　speak　of　anything　else；　maybe　you　won't

understand；　but　tell　me：　no　doubt　you　are　in　debt　to　your　madam？　

There；　you　see；〃　I　added；　though　she　made　no　answer；　but　only

listened　in　silence；　entirely　absorbed；　〃that's　a　bondage　for

you！　　You　will　never　buy　your　freedom。　　They　will　see　to　that。　

It's　like　selling　your　soul　to　the　devil。。。。　And　besides　。。。

perhaps；　I　too；　am　just　as　unluckyhow　do　you　knowand　wallow

in　the　mud　on　purpose；　out　of　misery？　　You　know；　men　take　to

drink　from　grief；　well；　maybe　I　am　here　from　grief。　　Come；　tell

me；　what　is　there　good　here？　　Here　you　and　I。。。came

together。。。just　now　and　did　not　say　one　word　to　one　another　all

the　time；　and　it　was　only　afterwards　you　began　staring　at　me　like

a　wild　creature；　and　I　at　you。　　Is　that　loving？　　Is　that　how　one

human　being　should　meet　another？　　It's　hideous；　that's　what　it

is！〃



〃Yes！〃　she　assented　sharply　and　hurriedly。



I　was　positively　astounded　by　the　promptitude　of　this　〃Yes。〃　　So

the　same　thought　may　have　been　straying　through　her　mind　when　she

was　staring　at　me　just　before。　　So　she；　too；　was　capable　of

certain　thoughts？　　〃Damn　it　all；　this　was　interesting；　this　was　a

point　of　likeness！〃　I　thought；　almost　rubbing　my　hands。　　And

indeed　it's　easy　to　turn　a　young　soul　like　that！



It　was　the　exercise　of　my　power　that　attracted　me　most。



She　turned　her　head　nearer　to　me；　and　it　seemed　to　me　in　the

darkness　that　she　propped　herself　on　her　arm。　　Perhaps　she　was

scrutinising　me。　　How　I　regretted　that　I　could　not　see　her　eyes。　

I　heard　her　deep　breathing。



〃Why　have　you　come　here？〃　I　asked　her；　with　a　note　of　authority

already　in　my　voice。



〃Oh；　I　don't　know。〃



〃But　how　nice　it　would　be　to　be　living　in　your　father's　house！　

It's　warm　and　free；　you　have　a　home　of　your　own。〃



〃But　what　if　it's　worse　than　this？〃



〃I　must　take　the　right　tone；〃　flashed　through　my　mind。　　〃I　may

not　get　far　with　sentimentality。〃　But　it　was　only　a　momentary

thought。　　I　swear　she　really　did　interest　me。　　Besides；　I　was

exhausted　and　moody。　　And　cunning　so　easily　goes　hand…in…hand

with　feeling。



〃Who　denies　it！〃　I　hastened　to　answer。　　〃Anything　may　happen。　　I

am　convinced　that　someone　has　wronged　you；　and　that　you　are　more

sinned　against　than　sinning。　　Of　course；　I　know　nothing　of　your

story；　but　it's　not　likely　a　girl　like　you　has　come　here　of　her

own　inclination。。。　。〃



〃A　girl　like　me？〃　she　whispered；　hardly　audibly；　but　I　heard　it。



Damn　it　all；　I　was　flattering　her。　　That　was　horrid。　　But　perhaps

it　was　a　good　thing。。。。　She　was　silent。



〃See；　Liza；　I　will　tell　you　about　myself。　　If　I　had　had　a　home

from　childhood；　I　shouldn't　be　wha