notes from the underground-第19章

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an　appearance　here　tonight　to　see　you　off；〃　I　cut　in　suddenly。　

For　one　minute　every　one　was　silent。　　



〃You　are　drunk　already。〃　　Trudolyubov　deigned　to　notice　me　at

last；　glancing　contemptuously　in　my　direction。　　Zverkov；　without

a　word；　examined　me　as　though　I　were　an　insect。　　I　dropped　my

eyes。　　Simonov　made　haste　to　fill　up　the　glasses　with　champagne。



Trudolyubov　raised　his　glass；　as　did　everyone　else　but　me。



〃Your　health　and　good　luck　on　the　journey！〃　he　cried　to　Zverkov。　

〃To　old　times；　to　our　future；　hurrah！〃



They　all　tossed　off　their　glasses；　and　crowded　round　Zverkov　to

kiss　him。　　I　did　not　move；　my　full　glass　stood　untouched　before

me。



〃Why；　aren't　you　going　to　drink　it？〃　roared　Trudolyubov；　losing

patience　and　turning　menacingly　to　me。



〃I　want　to　make　a　speech　separately；　on　my　own　account。。。and　then

I'll　drink　it；　Mr。　Trudolyubov。〃



〃Spiteful　brute！〃　muttered　Simonov。　　I　drew　myself　up　in　my　chair

and　feverishly　seized　my　glass；　prepared　for　something

extraordinary；　though　I　did　not　know　myself　precisely　what　I　was

going　to　say。



〃_Silence！_〃　cried　Ferfitchkin。　　〃Now　for　a　display　of　wit！〃



Zverkov　waited　very　gravely；　knowing　what　was　coming。



〃Mr。　Lieutenant　Zverkov；〃　I　began；　〃let　me　tell　you　that　I　hate

phrases；　phrasemongers　and　men　in　corsets。。。that's　the　first

point；　and　there　is　a　second　one　to　follow　it。〃



There　was　a　general　stir。



〃The　second　point　is：　I　hate　ribaldry　and　ribald　talkers。　

Especially　ribald　talkers！　　The　third　point：　I　love　justice；

truth　and　honesty。〃　　I　went　on　almost　mechanically；　for　I　was

beginning　to　shiver　with　horror　myself　and　had　no　idea　how　I　came

to　be　talking　like　this。　　〃I　love　thought；　Monsieur　Zverkov；　I

love　true　comradeship；　on　an　equal　footing　and　not。。。H'm。。。I　love

。。。But；　however；　why　not？　　I　will　drink　your　health；　too；　Mr。

Zverkov。　　Seduce　the　Circassian　girls；　shoot　the　enemies　of　the

fatherland　and。。。and。。。to　your　health；　Monsieur　Zverkov！〃



Zverkov　got　up　from　his　seat；　bowed　to　me　and　said：



〃I　am　very　much　obliged　to　you。〃　He　was　frightfully　offended　and

turned　pale。



〃Damn　the　fellow！〃　roared　Trudolyubov；　bringing　his　fist　down　on

the　table。



〃Well；　he　wants　a　punch　in　the　face　for　that；〃　squealed

Ferfitchkin。



〃We　ought　to　turn　him　out；〃　muttered　Simonov。



〃Not　a　word；　gentlemen；　not　a　movement！〃　cried　Zverkov　solemnly；

checking　the　general　indignation。　　〃I　thank　you　all；　but　I　can

show　him　for　myself　how　much　value　I　attach　to　his　words。〃



〃Mr。　　Ferfitchkin；　you　will　give　me　satisfaction　tomorrow　for

your　words　just　now！〃　I　said　aloud；　turning　with　dignity　to

Ferfitchkin。



〃A　duel；　you　mean？　　Certainly；〃　he　answered。　　But　probably　I　was

so　ridiculous　as　I　challenged　him　and　it　was　so　out　of　keeping

with　my　appearance　that　everyone　including　Ferfitchkin　was

prostrate　with　laughter。



〃Yes；　let　him　alone；　of　course！　　He　is　quite　drunk；〃　Trudolyubov

said　with　disgust。



〃I　shall　never　forgive　myself　for　letting　him　join　us；〃　Simonov

muttered　again。



〃Now　is　the　time　to　throw　a　bottle　at　their　heads；〃　I　thought　to

myself。　　I　picked　up　the　bottle。。。and　filled　my　glass。。。。〃No；　I'd

better　sit　on　to　the　end；〃　I　went　on　thinking；　〃you　would　be

pleased；　my　friends；　if　I　went　away。　　Nothing　will　induce　me　to

go。　　I'll　go　on　sitting　here　and　drinking　to　the　end；　on　purpose；

as　a　sign　that　I　don't　think　you　of　the　slightest　consequence。　　I

will　go　on　sitting　and　drinking；　because　this　is　a　public…house

and　I　paid　my　entrance　money。　　I'll　sit　here　and　drink；　for　I

look　upon　you　as　so　many　pawns；　as　inanimate　pawns。　　I'll　sit

here　and　drink。。。and　sing　if　I　want　to；　yes；　sing；　for　I　have　the

right　to。。。to　sing。。。H'm！〃



But　I　did　not　sing。　　I　simply　tried　not　to　look　at　any　of　them。　

I　assumed　most　unconcerned　attitudes　and　waited　with　impatience

for　them　to　speak　_first_。　　But　alas；　they　did　not　address　me！　

And　oh；　how　I　wished；　how　I　wished　at　that　moment　to　be

reconciled　to　them！　　It　struck　eight；　at　last　nine。　　They　moved

from　the　table　to　the　sofa。　　Zverkov　stretched　himself　on　a

lounge　and　put　one　foot　on　a　round　table。　　Wine　was　brought

there。　　He　did；　as　a　fact；　order　three　bottles　on　his　own

account。　　I；　of　course；　was　not　invited　to　join　them。　　They　all

sat　round　him　on　the　sofa。　　They　listened　to　him；　almost　with

reverence。　　It　was　evident　that　they　were　fond　of　him。　　〃What

for？　　What　for？〃　I　wondered。　　From　time　to　time　they　were　moved

to　drunken　enthusiasm　and　kissed　each　other。　　They　talked　of　the

Caucasus；　of　the　nature　of　true　passion；　of　snug　berths　in　the

service；　of　the　income　of　an　hussar　called　Podharzhevsky；　whom

none　of　them　knew　personally；　and　rejoiced　in　the　largeness　of

it；　of　the　extraordinary　grace　and　beauty　of　a　Princess　D。；　whom

none　of　them　had　ever　seen；　then　it　came　to　Shakespeare's　being

immortal。



I　smiled　contemptuously　and　walked　up　and　down　the　other　side　of

the　room；　opposite　the　sofa；　from　the　table　to　the　stove　and　back

again。　　I　tried　my　very　utmost　to　show　them　that　I　could　do

without　them；　and　yet　I　purposely　made　a　noise　with　my　boots；

thumping　with　my　heels。　　But　it　was　all　in　vain。　　They　paid　no

attention。　　I　had　the　patience　to　walk　up　and　down　in　front　of

them　from　eight　o'clock　till　eleven；　in　the　same　place；　from　the

table　to　the　stove　and　back　again。　　〃I　walk　up　and　down　to　please

myself　and　no　one　can　prevent　me。〃　　The　waiter　who　came　into　the

room　stopped；　from　time　to　time；　to　look　at　me。　　I　was　somewhat

giddy　from　turning　round　so　often；　at　moments　it　seemed　to　me

that　I　was　in　delirium。　　During　those　three　hours　I　was　three

times　soaked　with　sweat　and　dry　again。　　At　times；　with　an

intense；　acute　pang　I　was　stabbed　to　the　heart　by　the　thought

that　ten　years；　twenty　years；　forty　years　would　pass；　and　that

even　in　forty　years　I　would　remember　with　loathing　and

humiliation　those　filthiest；　most　ludicrous；　and　most　awful

moments　of　my　life。　　No　one　could　have　gone　out　of　his　way　to

degrade　himself　more　shamelessly；　and　I　fully　realised　it；　fully；

and　yet　I　went　on　pacing　up　and　down　from　the　table　to　the　stove。　

〃Oh；　if　you　only　knew　what　thoughts　and　feelings　I　am　capable　of；

how　cultured　I　am！〃　I　thought　at　moments；　mentally　addressing　the

sofa　on　which　my　enemies　were　sitting。　　But　my　enemies　behaved　as

though　I　were　not　in　the　room。　　Onceonly　oncethey　turned

towards　me；　just　when　Zverkov　was　talking　about　Shakespeare；　and

I　suddenly　gave　a　contemptuous　laugh。　　I　laughed　in　such　an

affected　and　disgusting　way　that　they　all　at　once　broke　off　their

conversation；　and　silently　and　gravely　for　two　minutes　watched　me

walking　up　and　down　from　the　table　to　the　stove；　_taking　no

notice　of　them_。　　But　nothing　came　of　it：　they　said　nothing；　and

two　minutes　later　they　ceased　to　notice　me　again。　It　struck

eleven。



〃Friends；〃　cried　Zverkov　getting　up　from　the　sofa；　〃let　us　all　be

off　now；　_there_！〃



〃Of　course；　of　course；〃　the　others　assented。　　I　turned　sharply　to

Zverkov。　　I　was　so　harassed；　so　exhausted；　that　I　would　have　cut

my　throat　to　put　an　end　to　it。　　I　was　in　a　fever；　my　hair；　soaked

with　perspiration；　stuck　to　my　forehead　and　temples。



〃Zverkov；　I　beg　your　pardon；〃　I　said　abruptly　and　resolutely。　

〃Ferfitchkin；　yours　too；　and　everyone's；　everyone's：　I　have

insulted　you　all！〃



〃Aha！　　A　duel　is　not　in　your　line；　old　man；〃　Ferfitchkin　hissed

venomously。



It　sent　a　sharp　pang　to　my　heart。



〃No；　it's　not　the　duel　I　am　afraid　of；　Ferfitchkin！　　I　am　ready

to　fight　you　tomorrow；　after　we　are　reconciled。　　I　insist　upon

it；　in　fact；　and　you　cannot　refuse。　　I　want　to　show　you　that　I　am

not　afraid　of　a　duel。　　You　shall　fire　first　and　I　shall　fire　into

the　air。〃



〃He　is　comforting　himself；〃　said　Simonov。



〃He's　simply　raving；〃　said　Trudolyubov。



〃But　let　us　pass。　　Why　are　you　barring　our　way？　　What　do　you

want？〃　Zverkov　answered