notes from the underground-第15章
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an old schoolfellow。 I had a number of schoolfellows; indeed; in
Petersburg; but I did not associate with them and had even given
up nodding to them in the street。 I believe I had transferred
into the department I was in simply to avoid their company and to
cut off all connection with my hateful childhood。 Curses on that
school and all those terrible years of penal servitude! In
short; I parted from my schoolfellows as soon as I got out into
the world。 There were two or three left to whom I nodded in the
street。 One of them was Simonov; who had in no way been
distinguished at school; was of a quiet and equable disposition;
but I discovered in him a certain independence of character and
even honesty。 I don't even suppose that he was particularly
stupid。 I had at one time spent some rather soulful moments with
him; but these had not lasted long and had somehow been suddenly
clouded over。 He was evidently uncomfortable at these
reminiscences; and was; I fancy; always afraid that I might take
up the same tone again。 I suspected that he had an aversion for
me; but still I went on going to see him; not being quite certain
of it。
And so on one occasion; unable to endure my solitude and knowing
that as it was Thursday Anton Antonitch's door would be closed; I
thought of Simonov。 Climbing up to his fourth storey I was
thinking that the man disliked me and that it was a mistake to go
and see him。 But as it always happened that such reflections
impelled me; as though purposely; to put myself into a false
position; I went in。 It was almost a year since I had last seen
Simonov。
III
I found two of my old schoolfellows with him。 They seemed to be
discussing an important matter。 All of them took scarcely any
notice of my entrance; which was strange; for I had not met them
for years。 Evidently they looked upon me as something on the
level of a common fly。 I had not been treated like that even at
school; though they all hated me。 I knew; of course; that they
must despise me now for my lack of success in the service; and
for my having let myself sink so low; going about badly dressed
and so onwhich seemed to them a sign of my incapacity and
insignificance。 But I had not expected such contempt。 Simonov
was positively surprised at my turning up。 Even in old days he
had always seemed surprised at my coming。 All this disconcerted
me: I sat down; feeling rather miserable; and began listening to
what they were saying。
They were engaged in warm and earnest conversation about a
farewell dinner which they wanted to arrange for the next day to
a comrade of theirs called Zverkov; an officer in the army; who
was going away to a distant province。 This Zverkov had been all
the time at school with me too。 I had begun to hate him
particularly in the upper forms。 In the lower forms he had
simply been a pretty; playful boy whom everybody liked。 I had
hated him; however; even in the lower forms; just because he was
a pretty and playful boy。 He was always bad at his lessons and
got worse and worse as he went on; however; he left with a good
certificate; as he had powerful interests。 During his last year
at school he came in for an estate of two hundred serfs; and as
almost all of us were poor he took up a swaggering tone among us。
He was vulgar in the extreme; but at the same time he was a
good…natured fellow; even in his swaggering。 In spite of
superficial; fantastic and sham notions of honour and dignity;
all but very few of us positively grovelled before Zverkov; and
the more so the more he swaggered。 And it was not from any
interested motive that they grovelled; but simply because he had
been favoured by the gifts of nature。 Moreover; it was; as it
were; an accepted idea among us that Zverkov was a specialist in
regard to tact and the social graces。 This last fact
particularly infuriated me。 I hated the abrupt self…confident
tone of his voice; his admiration of his own witticisms; which
were often frightfully stupid; though he was bold in his
language; I hated his handsome; but stupid face (for which I
would; however; have gladly exchanged my intelligent one); and
the free…and…easy military manners in fashion in the 〃'forties。〃
I hated the way in which he used to talk of his future conquests
of women (he did not venture to begin his attack upon women until
he had the epaulettes of an officer; and was looking forward to
them with impatience); and boasted of the duels he would
constantly be fighting。 I remember how I; invariably so
taciturn; suddenly fastened upon Zverkov; when one day talking at
a leisure moment with his schoolfellows of his future relations
with the fair sex; and growing as sportive as a puppy in the sun;
he all at once declared that he would not leave a single village
girl on his estate unnoticed; that that was his droit de
seigneur; and that if the peasants dared to protest he would have
them all flogged and double the tax on them; the bearded rascals。
Our servile rabble applauded; but I attacked him; not from
compassion for the girls and their fathers; but simply because
they were applauding such an insect。 I got the better of him on
that occasion; but though Zverkov was stupid he was lively and
impudent; and so laughed it off; and in such a way that my
victory was not really complete; the laugh was on his side。 He
got the better of me on several occasions afterwards; but without
malice; jestingly; casually。 I remained angrily and
contemptuously silent and would not answer him。 When we left
school he made advances to me; I did not rebuff them; for I was
flattered; but we soon parted and quite naturally。 Afterwards I
heard of his barrack…room success as a lieutenant; and of the
fast life he was leading。 Then there came other rumoursof his
successes in the service。 By then he had taken to cutting me in
the street; and I suspected that he was afraid of compromising
himself by greeting a personage as insignificant as me。 I saw
him once in the theatre; in the third tier of boxes。 By then he
was wearing shoulder…straps。 He was twisting and twirling about;
ingratiating himself with the daughters of an ancient General。
In three years he had gone off considerably; though he was still
rather handsome and adroit。 One could see that by the time he
was thirty he would be corpulent。 So it was to this Zverkov that
my schoolfellows were going to give a dinner on his departure。
They had kept up with him for those three years; though privately
they did not consider themselves on an equal footing with him; I
am convinced of that。
Of Simonov's two visitors; one was Ferfitchkin; a Russianised
German a little fellow with the face of a monkey; a blockhead
who was always deriding everyone; a very bitter enemy of mine
from our days in the lower formsa vulgar; impudent; swaggering
fellow; who affected a most sensitive feeling of personal honour;
though; of course; he was a wretched little coward at heart。 He
was one of those worshippers of Zverkov who made up to the latter
from interested motives; and often borrowed money from him。
Simonov's other visitor; Trudolyubov; was a person in no way
remarkablea tall young fellow; in the army; with a cold face;
fairly honest; though he worshipped success of every sort; and
was only capable of thinking of promotion。 He was some sort of
distant relation of Zverkov's; and this; foolish as it seems;
gave him a certain importance among us。 He always thought me of
no consequence whatever; his behaviour to me; though not quite
courteous; was tolerable。
〃Well; with seven roubles each;〃 said Trudolyubov; 〃twenty…one
roubles between the three of us; we ought to be able to get a
good dinner。 Zverkov; of course; won't pay。〃
〃Of course not; since we are inviting him;〃 Simonov decided。
〃Can you imagine;〃 Ferfitchkin interrupted hotly and conceitedly;
like some insolent flunkey