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第15章

notes from the underground-第15章

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an old schoolfellow。  I had a number of schoolfellows; indeed; in

Petersburg; but I did not associate with them and had even given

up nodding to them in the street。  I believe I had transferred

into the department I was in simply to avoid their company and to

cut off all connection with my hateful childhood。  Curses on that

school and all those terrible years of penal servitude!  In

short; I parted from my schoolfellows as soon as I got out into

the world。  There were two or three left to whom I nodded in the

street。  One of them was Simonov; who had in no way been

distinguished at school; was of a quiet and equable disposition;

but I discovered in him a certain independence of character and

even honesty。  I don't even suppose that he was particularly

stupid。  I had at one time spent some rather soulful moments with

him; but these had not lasted long and had somehow been suddenly

clouded over。  He was evidently uncomfortable at these

reminiscences; and was; I fancy; always afraid that I might take

up the same tone again。  I suspected that he had an aversion for

me; but still I went on going to see him; not being quite certain

of it。



And so on one occasion; unable to endure my solitude and knowing

that as it was Thursday Anton Antonitch's door would be closed; I

thought of Simonov。  Climbing up to his fourth storey I was

thinking that the man disliked me and that it was a mistake to go

and see him。  But as it always happened that such reflections

impelled me; as though purposely; to put myself into a false

position; I went in。  It was almost a year since I had last seen

Simonov。





III



I found two of my old schoolfellows with him。  They seemed to be

discussing an important matter。  All of them took scarcely any

notice of my entrance; which was strange; for I had not met them

for years。  Evidently they looked upon me as something on the

level of a common fly。  I had not been treated like that even at

school; though they all hated me。  I knew; of course; that they

must despise me now for my lack of success in the service; and

for my having let myself sink so low; going about badly dressed

and so onwhich seemed to them a sign of my incapacity and

insignificance。  But I had not expected such contempt。  Simonov

was positively surprised at my turning up。  Even in old days he

had always seemed surprised at my coming。  All this disconcerted

me: I sat down; feeling rather miserable; and began listening to

what they were saying。



They were engaged in warm and earnest conversation about a

farewell dinner which they wanted to arrange for the next day to

a comrade of theirs called Zverkov; an officer in the army; who

was going away to a distant province。  This Zverkov had been all

the time at school with me too。  I had begun to hate him

particularly in the upper forms。  In the lower forms he had

simply been a pretty; playful boy whom everybody liked。  I had

hated him; however; even in the lower forms; just because he was

a pretty and playful boy。  He was always bad at his lessons and

got worse and worse as he went on; however; he left with a good

certificate; as he had powerful interests。  During his last year

at school he came in for an estate of two hundred serfs; and as

almost all of us were poor he took up a swaggering tone among us。 

He was vulgar in the extreme; but at the same time he was a

good…natured fellow; even in his swaggering。  In spite of

superficial; fantastic and sham notions of honour and dignity;

all but very few of us positively grovelled before Zverkov; and

the more so the more he swaggered。  And it was not from any

interested motive that they grovelled; but simply because he had

been favoured by the gifts of nature。  Moreover; it was; as it

were; an accepted idea among us that Zverkov was a specialist in

regard to tact and the social graces。  This last fact

particularly infuriated me。  I hated the abrupt self…confident

tone of his voice; his admiration of his own witticisms; which

were often frightfully stupid; though he was bold in his

language; I hated his handsome; but stupid face (for which I

would; however; have gladly exchanged my intelligent one); and

the free…and…easy military manners in fashion in the 〃'forties。〃

I hated the way in which he used to talk of his future conquests

of women (he did not venture to begin his attack upon women until

he had the epaulettes of an officer; and was looking forward to

them with impatience); and boasted of the duels he would

constantly be fighting。  I remember how I; invariably so

taciturn; suddenly fastened upon Zverkov; when one day talking at

a leisure moment with his schoolfellows of his future relations

with the fair sex; and growing as sportive as a puppy in the sun;

he all at once declared that he would not leave a single village

girl on his estate unnoticed; that that was his droit de

seigneur; and that if the peasants dared to protest he would have

them all flogged and double the tax on them; the bearded rascals。 

Our servile rabble applauded; but I attacked him; not from

compassion for the girls and their fathers; but simply because

they were applauding such an insect。  I got the better of him on

that occasion; but though Zverkov was stupid he was lively and

impudent; and so laughed it off; and in such a way that my

victory was not really complete; the laugh was on his side。  He

got the better of me on several occasions afterwards; but without

malice; jestingly; casually。  I remained angrily and

contemptuously silent and would not answer him。  When we left

school he made advances to me; I did not rebuff them; for I was

flattered; but we soon parted and quite naturally。  Afterwards I

heard of his barrack…room success as a lieutenant; and of the

fast life he was leading。  Then there came other rumoursof his

successes in the service。  By then he had taken to cutting me in

the street; and I suspected that he was afraid of compromising

himself by greeting a personage as insignificant as me。  I saw

him once in the theatre; in the third tier of boxes。  By then he

was wearing shoulder…straps。  He was twisting and twirling about;

ingratiating himself with the daughters of an ancient General。 

In three years he had gone off considerably; though he was still

rather handsome and adroit。  One could see that by the time he

was thirty he would be corpulent。  So it was to this Zverkov that

my schoolfellows were going to give a dinner on his departure。 

They had kept up with him for those three years; though privately

they did not consider themselves on an equal footing with him; I

am convinced of that。



Of Simonov's two visitors; one was Ferfitchkin; a Russianised

German a little fellow with the face of a monkey; a blockhead

who was always deriding everyone; a very bitter enemy of mine

from our days in the lower formsa vulgar; impudent; swaggering

fellow; who affected a most sensitive feeling of personal honour;

though; of course; he was a wretched little coward at heart。  He

was one of those worshippers of Zverkov who made up to the latter

from interested motives; and often borrowed money from him。 

Simonov's other visitor; Trudolyubov; was a person in no way

remarkablea tall young fellow; in the army; with a cold face;

fairly honest; though he worshipped success of every sort; and

was only capable of thinking of promotion。  He was some sort of

distant relation of Zverkov's; and this; foolish as it seems;

gave him a certain importance among us。  He always thought me of

no consequence whatever; his behaviour to me; though not quite

courteous; was tolerable。



〃Well; with seven roubles each;〃 said Trudolyubov; 〃twenty…one

roubles between the three of us; we ought to be able to get a

good dinner。  Zverkov; of course; won't pay。〃



〃Of course not; since we are inviting him;〃 Simonov decided。



〃Can you imagine;〃 Ferfitchkin interrupted hotly and conceitedly;

like some insolent flunkey

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