notes from the underground-第13章

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wanted。　　I　used　to　wriggle　along　in　a　most　unseemly　fashion；　like

an　eel；　continually　moving　aside　to　make　way　for　generals；　for

officers　of　the　guards　and　the　hussars；　or　for　ladies。　　At　such

minutes　there　used　to　be　a　convulsive　twinge　at　my　heart；　and　I

used　to　feel　hot　all　down　my　back　at　the　mere　thought　of　the

wretchedness　of　my　attire；　of　the　wretchedness　and　abjectness　of

my　little　scurrying　figure。　　This　was　a　regular　martyrdom；　a

continual；　intolerable　humiliation　at　the　thought；　which　passed

into　an　incessant　and　direct　sensation；　that　I　was　a　mere　fly　in

the　eyes　of　all　this　world；　a　nasty；　disgusting　flymore

intelligent；　more　highly　developed；　more　refined　in　feeling　than

any　of　them；　of　coursebut　a　fly　that　was　continually　making　way

for　everyone；　insulted　and　injured　by　everyone。　　Why　I　inflicted

this　torture　upon　myself；　why　I　went　to　the　Nevsky；　I　don't　know。　

I　felt　simply　drawn　there　at　every　possible　opportunity。



Already　then　I　began　to　experience　a　rush　of　the　enjoyment　of

which　I　spoke　in　the　first　chapter。　　After　my　affair　with　the

officer　I　felt　even　more　drawn　there　than　before：　it　was　on　the

Nevsky　that　I　met　him　most　frequently；　there　I　could　admire　him。　

He；　too；　went　there　chiefly　on　holidays；　He；　too；　turned　out　of

his　path　for　generals　and　persons　of　high　rank；　and　he　too；

wriggled　between　them　like　an　eel；　but　people；　like　me；　or　even

better　dressed　than　me；　he　simply　walked　over；　he　made　straight

for　them　as　though　there　was　nothing　but　empty　space　before　him；

and　never；　under　any　circumstances；　turned　aside。　　I　gloated　over

my　resentment　watching　him　and　。。。　always　resentfully　made　way

for　him。　　It　exasperated　me　that　even　in　the　street　I　could　not

be　on　an　even　footing　with　him。



〃Why　must　you　invariably　be　the　first　to　move　aside？〃　I　kept

asking　myself　in　hysterical　rage；　waking　up　sometimes　at　three

o'clock　in　the　morning。　　〃Why　is　it　you　and　not　he？　　There's　no

regulation　about　it；　there's　no　written　law。　　Let　the　making　way

be　equal　as　it　usually　is　when　refined　people　meet；　he　moves

half…way　and　you　move　half…way；　you　pass　with　mutual　respect。〃



But　that　never　happened；　and　I　always　moved　aside；　while　he　did

not　even　notice　my　making　way　for　him。　　And　lo　and　behold　a

bright　idea　dawned　upon　me！　　〃What；〃　I　thought；　〃if　I　meet　him

and　don't　move　on　one　side？　　What　if　I　don't　move　aside　on

purpose；　even　if　I　knock　up　against　him？　　How　would　that　be？〃

This　audacious　idea　took　such　a　hold　on　me　that　it　gave　me　no

peace。　　I　was　dreaming　of　it　continually；　horribly；　and　I

purposely　went　more　frequently　to　the　Nevsky　in　order　to　picture

more　vividly　how　I　should　do　it　when　I　did　do　it。　　I　was

delighted。　　This　intention　seemed　to　me　more　and　more　practical

and　possible。



〃Of　course　I　shall　not　really　push　him；〃　I　thought；　already　more

good…natured　in　my　joy。　　〃I　will　simply　not　turn　aside；　will　run

up　against　him；　not　very　violently；　but　just　shouldering　each

otherjust　as　much　as　decency　permits。　　I　will　push　against　him

just　as　much　as　he　pushes　against　me。〃　　At　last　I　made　up　my　mind

completely。　　But　my　preparations　took　a　great　deal　of　time。　　To

begin　with；　when　I　carried　out　my　plan　I　should　need　to　be

looking　rather　more　decent；　and　so　I　had　to　think　of　my　get…up。　

〃In　case　of　emergency；　if；　for　instance；　there　were　any　sort　of

public　scandal　（and　the　public　there　is　of　the　most　recherche：

the　Countess　walks　there；　Prince　D。　walks　there；　all　the　literary

world　is　there）；　I　must　be　well　dressed；　that　inspires　respect

and　of　itself　puts　us　on　an　equal　footing　in　the　eyes　of　the

society。〃



With　this　object　I　asked　for　some　of　my　salary　in　advance；　and

bought　at　Tchurkin's　a　pair　of　black　gloves　and　a　decent　hat。　

Black　gloves　seemed　to　me　both　more　dignified　and　bon　ton　than

the　lemon…coloured　ones　which　I　had　contemplated　at　first。　　〃The

colour　is　too　gaudy；　it　looks　as　though　one　were　trying　to　be

conspicuous；〃　and　I　did　not　take　the　lemon…coloured　ones。　　I　had

got　ready　long　beforehand　a　good　shirt；　with　white　bone　studs；　my

overcoat　was　the　only　thing　that　held　me　back。　　The　coat　in

itself　was　a　very　good　one；　it　kept　me　warm；　but　it　was　wadded

and　it　had　a　raccoon　collar　which　was　the　height　of　vulgarity。　　I

had　to　change　the　collar　at　any　sacrifice；　and　to　have　a　beaver

one　like　an　officer's。　　For　this　purpose　I　began　visiting　the

Gostiny　Dvor　and　after　several　attempts　I　pitched　upon　a　piece　of

cheap　German　beaver。　　Though　these　German　beavers　soon　grow

shabby　and　look　wretched；　yet　at　first　they　look　exceedingly

well；　and　I　only　needed　it　for　the　occasion。　　I　asked　the　price；

even　so；　it　was　too　expensive。　　After　thinking　it　over　thoroughly

I　decided　to　sell　my　raccoon　collar。　　The　rest　of　the　moneya

considerable　sum　for　me；　I　decided　to　borrow　from　Anton　Antonitch

Syetotchkin；　my　immediate　superior；　an　unassuming　person；　though

grave　and　judicious。　　He　never　lent　money　to　anyone；　but　I　had；

on　entering　the　service；　been　specially　recommended　to　him　by　an

important　personage　who　had　got　me　my　berth。　　I　was　horribly

worried。　　To　borrow　from　Anton　Antonitch　seemed　to　me　monstrous

and　shameful。　　I　did　not　sleep　for　two　or　three　nights。　　Indeed；

I　did　not　sleep　well　at　that　time；　I　was　in　a　fever；　I　had　a

vague　sinking　at　my　heart　or　else　a　sudden　throbbing；　throbbing；

throbbing！　　Anton　Antonitch　was　surprised　at　first；　then　he

frowned；　then　he　reflected；　and　did　after　all　lend　me　the　money；

receiving　from　me　a　written　authorisation　to　take　from　my　salary

a　fortnight　later　the　sum　that　he　had　lent　me。　　In　this　way

everything　was　at　last　ready。　　The　handsome　beaver　replaced　the

mean…looking　raccoon；　and　I　began　by　degrees　to　get　to　work。　　It

would　never　have　done　to　act　offhand；　at　random；　the　plan　had　to

be　carried　out　skilfully；　by　degrees。　　But　I　must　confess　that

after　many　efforts　I　began　to　despair：　we　simply　could　not　run

into　each　other。　　I　made　every　preparation；　I　was　quite

determinedit　seemed　as　though　we　should　run　into　one　another

directlyand　before　I　knew　what　I　was　doing　I　had　stepped　aside

for　him　again　and　he　had　passed　without　noticing　me。　　I　even

prayed　as　I　approached　him　that　God　would　grant　me　determination。　

One　time　I　had　made　up　my　mind　thoroughly；　but　it　ended　in　my

stumbling　and　falling　at　his　feet　because　at　the　very　last

instant　when　I　was　six　inches　from　him　my　courage　failed　me。　　He

very　calmly　stepped　over　me；　while　I　flew　on　one　side　like　a

ball。　　That　night　I　was　ill　again；　feverish　and　delirious。　　And

suddenly　it　ended　most　happily。　　The　night　before　I　had　made　up

my　mind　not　to　carry　out　my　fatal　plan　and　to　abandon　it　all；　and

with　that　object　I　went　to　the　Nevsky　for　the　last　time；　just　to

see　how　I　would　abandon　it　all。　　Suddenly；　three　paces　from　my

enemy；　I　unexpectedly　made　up　my　mindI　closed　my　eyes；　and　we

ran　full　tilt；　shoulder　to　shoulder；　against　one　another！　　I　did

not　budge　an　inch　and　passed　him　on　a　perfectly　equal　footing！　

He　did　not　even　look　round　and　pretended　not　to　notice　it；　but　he

was　only　pretending；　I　am　convinced　of　that。　　I　am　convinced　of

that　to　this　day！　　Of　course；　I　got　the　worst　of　ithe　was

stronger；　but　that　was　not　the　point。　　The　point　was　that　I　had

attained　my　object；　I　had　kept　up　my　dignity；　I　had　not　yielded　a

step；　and　had　put　myself　publicly　on　an　equal　social　footing　with

him。　　I　returned　home　feeling　that　I　was　fully　avenged　for

everything。　　I　was　delighted。　　I　was　triumphant　and　sang　Italian

arias。　　Of　course；　I　will　not　describe　to　you　what　happened　to　me

three　days　later；　if　you　have　read　my　first　chapter　you　can　guess

for　yourself。　　The　officer　was　afterwards　transferred；　I　have　not

seen　him　now　for　fourteen　years。　　What　is　the　dear　fellow　doing

now？　　Whom　is　he　walking　over？





II



But　the　period　of　my　dissipation　would　end　and　I　always　felt　very

sick　afterwards。　　It　was　followed　by　remorseI　tried　to　drive　it

a