boyhood-第5章

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When　for　the　first　time　Woloda　wore　Dutch　pleated　shirts；　I　at　once　said　that　I　was　greatly　put　out　at　not　being　given　similar　ones；　and　each　time　that　he　arranged　his　collar；　I　felt　that　he　was　doing　so　on　purpose　to　offend　me。　But；　what　tormented　me　most　of　all　was　the　idea　that　Woloda　could　see　through　me；　yet　did　not　choose　to　show　it。

Who　has　not　known　those　secret；　wordless　communications　which　spring　from　some　barely　perceptible　smile　or　movementfrom　a　casual　glance　between　two　persons　who　live　as　constantly　together　as　do　brothers；　friends；　man　and　wife；　or　master　and　servant　particularly　if　those　two　persons　do　not　in　all　things　cultivate　mutual　frankness？　How　many　half…expressed　wishes；　thoughts；　and　meanings　which　one　shrinks　from　revealing　are　made　plain　by　a　single　accidental　glance　which　timidly　and　irresolutely　meets　the　eye！

However；　in　my　own　case　I　may　have　been　deceived　by　my　excessive　capacity　for；　and　love　of；　analysis。　Possibly　Woloda　did　not　feel　at　all　as　I　did。　Passionate　and　frank；　but　unstable　in　his　likings；　he　was　attracted　by　the　most　diverse　things；　and　always　surrendered　himself　wholly　to　such　attraction。　For　instance；　he　suddenly　conceived　a　passion　for　pictures；　spent　all　his　money　on　their　purchase；　begged　Papa；　Grandmamma；　and　his　drawing　master　to　add　to　their　number；　and　applied　himself　with　enthusiasm　to　art。　Next　came　a　sudden　rage　for　curios；　with　which　he　covered　his　table；　and　for　which　he　ransacked　the　whole　house。　Following　upon　that；　he　took　to　violent　novel…readingprocuring　such　works　by　stealth；　and　devouring　them　day　and　night。　Involuntarily　I　was　influenced　by　his　whims；　for；　though　too　proud　to　imitate　him；　I　was　also　too　young　and　too　lacking　in　independence　to　choose　my　own　way。　Above　all；　I　envied　Woloda　his　happy；　nobly　frank　character；　which　showed　itself　most　strikingly　when　we　quarrelled。　I　always　felt　that　he　was　in　the　right；　yet　could　not　imitate　him。　For　instance；　on　one　occasion　when　his　passion　for　curios　was　at　its　height；　I　went　to　his　table　and　accidentally　broke　an　empty　many…coloured　smelling…bottle。

〃Who　gave　you　leave　to　touch　my　things？〃　asked　Woloda；　chancing　to　enter　the　room　at　that　moment　and　at　once　perceiving　the　disorder　which　I　had　occasioned　in　the　orderly　arrangement　of　the　treasures　on　his　table。　〃And　where　is　that　smelling　bottle？　Perhaps　you？〃

〃I　let　it　fall；　and　it　smashed　to　pieces；　but　what　does　that　matter？〃

〃Well；　please　do　me　the　favour　never　to　DARE　to　touch　my　things　again；〃　he　said　as　he　gathered　up　the　broken　fragments　and　looked　at　them　vexedly。

〃And　will　YOU　please　do　me　the　favour　never　to　ORDER　me　to　do　anything　whatever；〃　I　retorted。　〃When　a　thing's　broken；　it's　broken；　and　there　is　no　more　to　be　said。〃　Then　I　smiled；　though　I　hardly　felt　like　smiling。

〃Oh；　it　may　mean　nothing　to　you；　but　to　me　it　means　a　good　deal；〃　said　Woloda；　shrugging　his　shoulders　（a　habit　he　had　caught　from　Papa）。　〃First　of　all　you　go　and　break　my　things；　and　then　you　laugh。　What　a　nuisance　a　little　boy　can　be！〃

〃LITTLE　boy；　indeed？　Then　YOU；　I　suppose；　are　a　man；　and　ever　so　wise？〃

〃I　do　not　intend　to　quarrel　with　you；〃　said　Woloda；　giving　me　a　slight　push。　〃Go　away。〃

〃Don't　you　push　me！〃

〃Go　away。〃

〃I　say　againdon't　you　push　me！〃

Woloda　took　me　by　the　hand　and　tried　to　drag　me　away　from　the　table；　but　I　was　excited　to　the　last　degree；　and　gave　the　table　such　a　push　with　my　foot　that　I　upset　the　whole　concern；　and　brought　china　and　crystal　ornaments　and　everything　else　with　a　crash　to　the　floor。

〃You　disgusting　little　brute！〃　exclaimed　Woloda；　trying　to　save　some　of　his　falling　treasures。

〃At　last　all　is　over　between　us；〃　I　thought　to　myself　as　I　strode　from　the　room。　〃We　are　separated　now　for　ever。〃

It　was　not　until　evening　that　we　again　exchanged　a　word。　Yet　I　felt　guilty；　and　was　afraid　to　look　at　him；　and　remained　at　a　loose　end　all　day。

Woloda；　on　the　contrary；　did　his　lessons　as　diligently　as　ever；　and　passed　the　time　after　luncheon　in　talking　and　laughing　with　the　girls。　As　soon；　again；　as　afternoon　lessons　were　over　I　left　the　room；　for　it　would　have　been　terribly　embarrassing　for　me　to　be　alone　with　my　brother。　When；　too；　the　evening　class　in　history　was　ended　I　took　my　notebook　and　moved　towards　the　door。　Just　as　I　passed　Woloda；　I　pouted　and　pulled　an　angry　face；　though　in　reality　I　should　have　liked　to　have　made　my　peace　with　him。　At　the　same　moment　he　lifted　his　head；　and　with　a　barely　perceptible　and　good…humouredly　satirical　smile　looked　me　full　in　the　face。　Our　eyes　met；　and　I　saw　that　he　understood　me；　while　he；　for　his　part；　saw　that　I　knew　that　he　understood　me；　yet　a　feeling　stronger　than　myself　obliged　me　to　turn　away　from　him。

〃Nicolinka；〃　he　said　in　a　perfectly　simple　and　anything　but　mock…　pathetic　way；　〃you　have　been　angry　with　me　long　enough。　I　am　sorry　if　I　offended　you；〃　and　he　tendered　me　his　hand。

It　was　as　though　something　welled　up　from　my　heart　and　nearly　choked　me。　Presently　it　passed　away；　the　tears　rushed　to　my　eyes；　and　I　felt　immensely　relieved。

〃I　too　am　so…rry；　Wo…lo…da；〃　I　said；　taking　his　hand。　Yet　he　only　looked　at　me　with　an　expression　as　though　he　could　not　understand　why　there　should　be　tears　in　my　eyes。



VI。　MASHA

None　of　the　changes　produced　in　my　conception　of　things　were　so　striking　as　the　one　which　led　me　to　cease　to　see　in　one　of　our　chambermaids　a　mere　servant　of　the　female　sex；　but；　on　the　contrary；　a　WOMAN　upon　whom　depended；　to　a　certain　extent；　my　peace　of　mind　and　happiness。　From　the　time　of　my　earliest　recollection　I　can　remember　Masha　an　inmate　of　our　house；　yet　never　until　the　occurrence　of　which　I　am　going　to　speakan　occurrence　which　entirely　altered　my　impression　of　herhad　I　bestowed　the　smallest　attention　upon　her。　She　was　twenty…five　years　old；　while　I　was　but　fourteen。　Also；　she　was　very　beautiful。　But　I　hesitate　to　give　a　further　description　of　her　lest　my　imagination　should　once　more　picture　the　bewitching；　though　deceptive；　conception　of　her　which　filled　my　mind　during　the　period　of　my　passion。　To　be　frank；　I　will　only　say　that　she　was　extraordinarily　handsome；　magnificently　developed；　and　a　womanas　also　that　I　was　but　fourteen。

At　one　of　those　moments　when；　lesson…book　in　hand；　I　would　pace　the　room；　and　try　to　keep　strictly　to　one　particular　crack　in　the　floor　as　I　hummed　a　fragment　of　some　tune　or　repeated　some　vague　formulain　short；　at　one　of　those　moments　when　the　mind　leaves　off　thinking　and　the　imagination　gains　the　upper　hand　and　yearns　for　new　impressionsI　left　the　schoolroom；　and　turned；　with　no　definite　purpose　in　view；　towards　the　head　of　the　staircase。

Somebody　in　slippers　was　ascending　the　second　flight　of　stairs。　Of　course　I　felt　curious　to　see　who　it　was；　but　the　footsteps　ceased　abruptly；　and　then　I　heard　Masha's　voice　say：

〃Go　away！　What　nonsense！　What　would　Maria　Ivanovna　think　if　she　were　to　come　now？〃

〃Oh；　but　she　will　not　come；〃　answered　Woloda's　voice　in　a　whisper。

〃Well；　go　away；　you　silly　boy；〃　and　Masha　came　running　up；　and　fled　past　me。

I　cannot　describe　the　way　in　which　this　discovery　confounded　me。　Nevertheless　the　feeling　of　amazement　soon　gave　place　to　a　kind　of　sympathy　with　Woloda's　conduct。　I　found　myself　wondering　less　at　the　conduct　itself　than　at　his　ability　to　behave　so　agreeably。　Also；　I　found　myself　involuntarily　desiring　to　imitate　him。

Sometimes　I　would　pace　the　landing　for　an　hour　at　a　time；　with　no　other　thought　in　my　head　than　to　watch　for　movements　from　above。　Yet；　although　I　longed　beyond　all　things　to　do　as　Woloda　had　done；　I　could　not　bring　myself　to　the　point。　At　other　times；　filled　with　a　sense　of　envious　jealousy；　I　would　conceal　myself　behind　a　door　and　listen　to　the　sounds　which　came　from　the　maidservants'　room；　until　the　thought　would　occur　to　my　mind；　〃How　if　I　were　to　go　in　now　and；　like　Woloda；　kiss　Masha？　What　should　I　say　when　she　asked　meME　with　the　huge　nose　and　the　tuft　on　the　top　of　my　headwhat　I　wanted？〃　Sometimes；　too；　I　could　hear　her　saying　to　Woloda；

〃That　serves　you　right！　Go　away！　Nicolas　Petrovitch　never　comes　in　here　with　such　nonsense。〃　Alas！　she　did　not　know　that　Nicolas　Petrovitch　was　sitting　on　the　staircase　just　below　and　fe