boyhood-第4章

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〃Why　are　you　so　serious？〃

〃Well；　one　cannot　ALWAYS　be　gay。〃

〃But　you　have　changed　tremendously　since　Woloda　and　I　first　went　to　Moscow。　Tell　me　the　truth；　now：　why　are　you　so　odd？〃　My　tone　was　resolute。

〃AM　I　so　odd？〃　said　Katenka　with　an　animation　which　showed　me　that　my　question　had　interested　her。　〃I　don't　see　that　I　am　so　at　all。〃

〃Well；　you　are　not　the　same　as　you　were　before；〃　I　continued。　〃Once　upon　a　time　any　one　could　see　that　you　were　our　equal　in　everything；　and　that　you　loved　us　like　relations；　just　as　we　did　you；　but　now　you　are　always　serious；　and　keep　yourself　apart　from　us。〃

〃Oh；　not　at　all。〃

〃But　let　me　finish；　please；〃　I　interrupted；　already　conscious　of　a　slight　tickling　in　my　nosethe　precursor　of　the　tears　which　usually　came　to　my　eyes　whenever　I　had　to　vent　any　long　pent…up　feeling。　〃You　avoid　us；　and　talk　to　no　one　but　Mimi；　as　though　you　had　no　wish　for　our　further　acquaintance。〃

〃But　one　cannot　always　remain　the　sameone　must　change　a　little　sometimes；〃　replied　Katenka；　who　had　an　inveterate　habit　of　pleading　some　such　fatalistic　necessity　whenever　she　did　not　know　what　else　to　say。

I　recollect　that　once；　when　having　a　quarrel　with　Lubotshka；　who　had　called　her　〃a　stupid　girl；〃　she　（Katenka）　retorted　that　EVERYBODY　could　not　be　wise；　seeing　that　a　certain　number　of　stupid　people　was　a　necessity　in　the　world。　However；　on　the　present　occasion；　I　was　not　satisfied　that　any　such　inevitable　necessity　for　〃changing　sometimes〃　existed；　and　asked　further：

〃WHY　is　it　necessary？〃

〃Well；　you　see；　we　MAY　not　always　go　on　living　together　as　we　are　doing　now；〃　said　Katenka；　colouring　slightly；　and　regarding　Philip's　back　with　a　grave　expression　on　her　face。　〃My　Mamma　was　able　to　live　with　your　mother　because　she　was　her　friend；　but　will　a　similar　arrangement　always　suit　the　Countess；　who；　they　say；　is　so　easily　offended？　Besides；　in　any　case；　we　shall　have　to　separate　SOME　day。　You　are　richyou　have　Petrovskoe；　while　we　are　poorMamma　has　nothing。〃

〃You　are　rich；〃　〃we　are　poor〃both　the　words　and　the　ideas　which　they　connoted　seemed　to　me　extremely　strange。　Hitherto；　I　had　conceived　that　only　beggars　and　peasants　were　poor　and　could　not　reconcile　in　my　mind　the　idea　of　poverty　and　the　graceful；　charming　Katenka。　I　felt　that　Mimi　and　her　daughter　ought　to　live　with　us　ALWAYS　and　to　share　everything　that　we　possessed。　Things　ought　never　to　be　otherwise。　Yet；　at　this　moment；　a　thousand　new　thoughts　with　regard　to　their　lonely　position　came　crowding　into　my　head；　and　I　felt　so　remorseful　at　the　notion　that　we　were　rich　and　they　poor；　that　I　coloured　up　and　could　not　look　Katenka　in　the　face。

〃Yet　what　does　it　matter；〃　I　thought；　〃that　we　are　well　off　and　they　are　not？　Why　should　that　necessitate　a　separation？　Why　should　we　not　share　in　common　what　we　possess？〃　Yet；　I　had　a　feeling　that　I　could　not　talk　to　Katenka　on　the　subject；　since　a　certain　practical　instinct；　opposed　to　all　logical　reasoning；　warned　me　that；　right　though　she　possibly　was；　I　should　do　wrong　to　tell　her　so。

〃It　is　impossible　that　you　should　leave　us。　How　could　we　ever　live　apart？〃

〃Yet　what　else　is　there　to　be　done？　Certainly　I　do　not　WANT　to　do　it；　yet；　if　it　HAS　to　be　done；　I　know　what　my　plan　in　life　will　be。〃

〃Yes；　to　become　an　actress！　How　absurd！〃　I　exclaimed　（for　I　knew　that　to　enter　that　profession　had　always　been　her　favourite　dream）。

〃Oh　no。　I　only　used　to　say　that　when　I　was　a　little　girl。〃

〃Well；　then？　What？〃

〃To　go　into　a　convent　and　live　there。　Then　I　could　walk　out　in　a　black　dress　and　velvet　cap！〃　cried　Katenka。

Has　it　ever　befallen　you；　my　readers；　to　become　suddenly　aware　that　your　conception　of　things　has　alteredas　though　every　object　in　life　had　unexpectedly　turned　a　side　towards　you　of　which　you　had　hitherto　remained　unaware？　Such　a　species　of　moral　change　occurred；　as　regards　myself；　during　this　journey；　and　therefore　from　it　I　date　the　beginning　of　my　boyhood。　For　the　first　time　in　my　life；　I　then　envisaged　the　idea　that　wei。e。　our　familywere　not　the　only　persons　in　the　world；　that　not　every　conceivable　interest　was　centred　in　ourselves；　and　that　there　existed　numbers　of　people　who　had　nothing　in　common　with　us；　cared　nothing　for　us；　and　even　knew　nothing　of　our　existence。　No　doubt　I　had　known　all　this　beforeonly　I　had　not　known　it　then　as　I　knew　it　now；　I　had　never　properly　felt　or　understood　it。

Thought　merges　into　conviction　through　paths　of　its　own；　as　well　as；　sometimes；　with　great　suddenness　and　by　methods　wholly　different　from　those　which　have　brought　other　intellects　to　the　same　conclusion。　For　me　the　conversation　with　Katenkastriking　deeply　as　it　did；　and　forcing　me　to　reflect　on　her　future　positionconstituted　such　a　path。　As　I　gazed　at　the　towns　and　villages　through　which　we　passed；　and　in　each　house　of　which　lived　at　least　one　family　like　our　own；　as　well　as　at　the　women　and　children　who　stared　with　curiosity　at　our　carriages　and　then　became　lost　to　sight　for　ever；　and　the　peasants　and　workmen　who　did　not　even　look　at　us；　much　less　make　us　any　obeisance；　the　question　arose　for　the　first　time　in　my　thoughts；　〃Whom　else　do　they　care　for　if　not　for　us？〃　And　this　question　was　followed　by　others；　such　as；　〃To　what　end　do　they　live？〃　〃How　do　they　educate　their　children？〃　〃Do　they　teach　their　children　and　let　them　play？　What　are　their　names？〃　and　so　forth。



IV。　IN　MOSCOW

From　the　time　of　our　arrival　in　Moscow；　the　change　in　my　conception　of　objects；　of　persons；　and　of　my　connection　with　them　became　increasingly　perceptible。　When　at　my　first　meeting　with　Grandmamma；　I　saw　her　thin；　wrinkled　face　and　faded　eyes；　the　mingled　respect　and　fear　with　which　she　had　hitherto　inspired　me　gave　place　to　compassion；　and　when；　laying　her　cheek　against　Lubotshka's　head；　she　sobbed　as　though　she　saw　before　her　the　corpse　of　her　beloved　daughter；　my　compassion　grew　to　love。

I　felt　deeply　sorry　to　see　her　grief　at　our　meeting；　even　though　I　knew　that　in　ourselves　we　represented　nothing　in　her　eyes；　but　were　dear　to　her　only　as　reminders　of　our　motherthat　every　kiss　which　she　imprinted　upon　my　cheeks　expressed　the　one　thought；　〃She　is　no　moreshe　is　dead；　and　I　shall　never　see　her　again。〃

Papa；　who　took　little　notice　of　us　here　in　Moscow；　and　whose　face　was　perpetually　preoccupied　on　the　rare　occasions　when　he　came　in　his　black　dress…coat　to　take　formal　dinner　with　us；　lost　much　in　my　eyes　at　this　period；　in　spite　of　his　turned…up　ruffles；　robes　de　chambre；　overseers；　bailiffs；　expeditions　to　the　estate；　and　hunting　exploits。

Karl　Ivanitchwhom　Grandmamma　always　called　〃Uncle；〃　and　who　（Heaven　knows　why！）　had　taken　it　into　his　head　to　adorn　the　bald　pate　of　my　childhood's　days　with　a　red　wig　parted　in　the　middle　now　looked　to　me　so　strange　and　ridiculous　that　I　wondered　how　I　could　ever　have　failed　to　observe　the　fact　before。　Even　between　the　girls　and　ourselves　there　seemed　to　have　sprung　up　an　invisible　barrier。　They；　too；　began　to　have　secrets　among　themselves；　as　well　as　to　evince　a　desire　to　show　off　their　ever…　lengthening　skirts　even　as　we　boys　did　our　trousers　and　ankle…　straps。　As　for　Mimi；　she　appeared　at　luncheon；　the　first　Sunday；　in　such　a　gorgeous　dress　and　with　so　many　ribbons　in　her　cap　that　it　was　clear　that　we　were　no　longer　en　campagne；　and　that　everything　was　now　going　to　be　different。



V。　MY　ELDER　BROTHER

I　was　only　a　year　and　some　odd　months　younger　than　Woloda；　and　from　the　first　we　had　grown　up　and　studied　and　played　together。　Hitherto；　the　difference　between　elder　and　younger　brother　had　never　been　felt　between　us；　but　at　the　period　of　which　I　am　speaking；　I　began　to　have　a　notion　that　I　was　not　Woloda's　equal　either　in　years；　in　tastes；　or　in　capabilities。　I　even　began　to　fancy　that　Woloda　himself　was　aware　of　his　superiority　and　that　he　was　proud　of　it；　and；　though；　perhaps；　I　was　wrong；　the　idea　wounded　my　conceitalready　suffering　from　frequent　comparison　with　him。　He　was　my　superior　in　everythingin　games；　in　studies；　in　quarrels；　and　in　deportment。　All　this　brought　about　an　estrangement　between　us　and　occasioned　me　moral　sufferings　which　I　had　never　hitherto　experienced。

When　for　the　first　time　Woloda　wore　Dutch　pleated　shirts；　I　at　once