boyhood-第20章

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t　he　spoke　to　me　after　the　carnival；　I　said　that　I　had　lessons　to　do；　and　went　upstairs；　but　a　quarter　of　an　hour　later　some　one　opened　the　schoolroom　door；　and　Nechludoff　entered。

〃Am　I　disturbing　you？〃　he　asked。

〃No；〃　I　replied；　although　I　had　at　first　intended　to　say　that　I　had　a　great　deal　to　do。

〃Then　why　did　you　run　away　just　now？　It　is　a　long　while　since　we　had　a　talk　together；　and　I　have　grown　so　accustomed　to　these　discussions　that　I　feel　as　though　something　were　wanting。〃

My　anger　had　quite　gone　now；　and　Dimitri　stood　before　me　the　same　good　and　lovable　being　as　before。

〃You　know；　perhaps；　why　I　ran　away？〃　I　said。

〃Perhaps　I　do；〃　he　answered；　taking　a　seat　near　me。　〃However；　though　it　is　possible　I　know　why；　I　cannot　say　it　straight　out；　whereas　YOU　can。〃

〃Then　I　will　do　so。　I　ran　away　because　I　was　angry　with　you　well；　not　angry；　but　grieved。　I　always　have　an　idea　that　you　despise　me　for　being　so　young。〃

〃Well；　do　you　know　why　I　always　feel　so　attracted　towards　you？　〃　he　replied；　meeting　my　confession　with　a　look　of　kind　understanding；　〃and　why　I　like　you　better　than　any　of　my　other　acquaintances　or　than　any　of　the　people　among　whom　I　mostly　have　to　live？　It　is　because　I　found　out　at　once　that　you　have　the　rare　and　astonishing　gift　of　sincerity。〃

〃Yes；　I　always　confess　the　things　of　which　I　am　most　ashamedbut　only　to　people　in　whom　I　trust；〃　I　said。

〃Ah；　but　to　trust　a　man　you　must　be　his　friend　completely；　and　we　are　not　friends　yet；　Nicolas。　Remember　how；　when　we　were　speaking　of　friendship；　we　agreed　that；　to　be　real　friends；　we　ought　to　trust　one　another　implicitly。〃

〃I　trust　you　in　so　far　as　that　I　feel　convinced　that　you　would　never　repeat　a　word　of　what　I　might　tell　you；〃　I　said。

〃Yet　perhaps　the　most　interesting　and　important　thoughts　of　all　are　just　those　which　we　never　tell　one　another；　while　the　mean　thoughts　（the　thoughts　which；　if　we　only　knew　that　we　had　to　confess　them　to　one　another；　would　probably　never　have　the　hardihood　to　enter　our　minds）　Well；　do　you　know　what　I　am　thinking　of；　Nicolas？〃　he　broke　off；　rising　and　taking　my　hand　with　a　smile。　〃I　propose　（and　I　feel　sure　that　it　would　benefit　us　mutually）　that　we　should　pledge　our　word　to　one　another　to　tell　each　other　EVERYTHING。　We　should　then　really　know　each　other；　and　never　have　anything　on　our　consciences。　And；　to　guard　against　outsiders；　let　us　also　agree　never　to　speak　of　one　another　to　a　third　person。　Suppose　we　do　that？〃

〃I　agree；〃　I　replied。　And　we　did　it。　What　the　result　was　shall　be　told　hereafter。

Kerr　has　said　that　every　attachment　has　two　sides：　one　loves；　and　the　other　allows　himself　to　be　loved；　one　kisses；　and　the　other　surrenders　his　cheek。　That　is　perfectly　true。　In　the　case　of　our　own　attachment　it　was　I　who　kissed；　and　Dimitri　who　surrendered　his　cheekthough　he；　in　his　turn；　was　ready　to　pay　me　a　similar　salute。　We　loved　equally　because　we　knew　and　appreciated　each　other　thoroughly；　but　this　did　not　prevent　him　from　exercising　an　influence　over　me；　nor　myself　from　rendering　him　adoration。

It　will　readily　be　understood　that　Nechludoff's　influence　caused　me　to　adopt　his　bent　of　mind；　the　essence　of　which　lay　in　an　enthusiastic　reverence　for　ideal　virtue　and　a　firm　belief　in　man's　vocation　to　perpetual　perfection。　To　raise　mankind；　to　abolish　vice　and　misery；　seemed　at　that　time　a　task　offering　no　difficulties。　To　educate　oneself　to　every　virtue；　and　so　to　achieve　happiness；　seemed　a　simple　and　easy　matter。

Only　God　Himself　knows　whether　those　blessed　dreams　of　youth　were　ridiculous；　or　whose　the　fault　was　that　they　never　became　realised。





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