boyhood-第18章

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I　again　assert　that；　in　matters　of　feeling；　it　is　the　unexpected　effects　that　constitute　the　most　reliable　signs　of　sincerity。

Though　Grandmamma　was　no　longer　with　us；　reminiscences　and　gossip　about　her　long　went　on　in　the　house。　Such　gossip　referred　mostly　to　her　will；　which　she　had　made　shortly　before　her　death；　and　of　which；　as　yet；　no　one　knew　the　contents　except　her　bosom　friend；　Prince　Ivan　Ivanovitch。　I　could　hear　the　servants　talking　excitedly　together；　and　making　innumerable　conjectures　as　to　the　amount　left　and　the　probable　beneficiaries：　nor　can　I　deny　that　the　idea　that　we　ourselves　were　probably　the　latter　greatly　pleased　me。

Six　weeks　later；　Nicolawho　acted　as　regular　news…agent　to　the　houseinformed　me　that　Grandmamma　had　left　the　whole　of　her　fortune　to　Lubotshka；　with；　as　her　trustee　until　her　majority；　not　Papa；　but　Prince　Ivan　Ivanovitch！



XXIV。　MYSELF

Only　a　few　months　remained　before　I　was　to　matriculate　for　the　University；　yet　I　was　making　such　good　progress　that　I　felt　no　apprehensions；　and　even　took　a　pleasure　in　my　studies。　I　kept　in　good　heart；　and　learnt　my　lessons　fluently　and　intelligently。　The　faculty　I　had　selected　was　the　mathematical　oneprobably；　to　tell　the　truth；　because　the　terms　〃tangent；〃　〃differentials；〃　〃integrals；〃　and　so　forth；　pleased　my　fancy。

Though　stout　and　broad…shouldered；　I　was　shorter　than　Woloda；　while　my　ugliness　of　face　still　remained　and　tormented　me　as　much　as　ever。　By　way　of　compensation；　I　tried　to　appear　original。　Yet　one　thing　comforted　me；　namely；　that　Papa　had　said　that　I　had　〃an　INTELLIGENT　face。〃　I　quite　believed　him。

St。　Jerome　was　not　only　satisfied　with　me；　but　actually　had　taken　to　praising　me。　Consequently；　I　had　now　ceased　to　hate　him。　In　fact；　when；　one　day；　he　said　that；　with　my　〃capacities〃　and　my　〃intellect；〃　it　would　be　shameful　for　me　not　to　accomplish　this；　that；　or　the　other　thing；　I　believe　I　almost　liked　him。

I　had　long　ago　given　up　keeping　observation　on　the　maidservants'　room；　for　I　was　now　ashamed　to　hide　behind　doors。　Likewise；　I　confess　that　the　knowledge　of　Masha's　love　for　Basil　had　greatly　cooled　my　ardour　for　her；　and　that　my　passion　underwent　a　final　cure　by　their　marriagea　consummation　to　which　I　myself

contributed　by；　at　Basil's　request；　asking　Papa's　consent　to　the　union。

When　the　newly…married　couple　brought　trays　of　cakes　and　sweetmeats　to　Papa　as　a　thank…offering；　and　Masha；　in　a　cap　with　blue　ribbons；　kissed　each　of　us　on　the　shoulder　in　token　of　her　gratitude；　I　merely　noticed　the　scent　of　the　rose　pomade　on　her　hair；　but　felt　no　other　sensation。

In　general；　I　was　beginning　to　get　the　better　of　my　youthful　defects；　with　the　exception　of　the　principal　onethe　one　of　which　I　shall　often　again　have　to　speak　in　relating　my　life's　historynamely；　the　tendency　to　abstract　thought。



XXV。　WOLODA'S　FRIENDS

Although；　when　in　the　society　of　Woloda's　friends；　I　had　to　play　a　part　that　hurt　my　pride；　I　liked　sitting　in　his　room　when　he　had　visitors；　and　silently　watching　all　they　did。　The　two　who　came　most　frequently　to　see　him　were　a　military　adjutant　called　Dubkoff　and　a　student　named　Prince　Nechludoff。　Dubkoff　was　a　little　dark…haired；　highly…strung　man　who；　though　short　of　stature　and　no　longer　in　his　first　youth；　had　a　pleasing　and　invariably　cheerful　air。　His　was　one　of　those　limited　natures　which　are　agreeable　through　their　very　limitations；　natures　which　cannot　regard　matters　from　every　point　of　view；　but　which　are　nevertheless　attracted　by　everything。　Usually　the　reasoning　of　such　persons　is　false　and　one…sided；　yet　always　genuine　and　taking；　wherefore　their　narrow　egotism　seems　both　amiable　and　excusable。　There　were　two　other　reasons　why　Dubkoff　had　charms　for　Woloda　and　myselfnamely；　the　fact　that　he　was　of　military　appearance；　and；　secondly　（and　principally）；　the　fact　that　he　was　of　a　certain　agean　age　with　which　young　people　are　apt　to　associate　that　quality　of　〃gentlemanliness〃　which　is　so　highly　esteemed　at　their　time　of　life。　However；　he　was　in　very　truth　un　homme　comme　il　faut。　The　only　thing　which　I　did　not　like　about　it　all　was　that；　in　his　presence；　Woloda　always　seemed　ashamed　of　my　innocent　behaviour；　and　still　more　so　of　my　youthfulness。　As　for　Prince　Nechludoff；　he　was　in　no　way　handsome；　since　neither　his　small　grey　eyes；　his　low；　projecting　forehead；　nor　his　disproportionately　long　hands　and　feet　could　be　called　good　features。　The　only　good　points　about　him　were　his　unusually　tall　stature；　his　delicate　colouring；　and　his　splendid　teeth。　Nevertheless；　his　face　was　of　such　an　original；　energetic　character　（owing　to　his　narrow；　sparkling　eyes　and　ever…changing　expressionnow　stern；　now　childlike；　now　smiling　indeterminately）　that　it　was　impossible　to　help　noticing　it。　As　a　rule　he　was　very　shy；　and　would　blush　to　the　ears　at　the　smallest　trifle；　but　it　was　a　shyness　altogether　different　from　mine；　seeing　that；　the　more　he　blushed；　the　more　determined…looking　he　grew；　as　though　he　were　vexed　at　his　own　weakness。

Although　he　was　on　very　good　terms　with　Woloda　and　Dubkoff；　it　was　clearly　chance　which　had　united　them　thus；　since　their　tastes　were　entirely　dissimilar。　Woloda　and　Dubkoff　seemed　to　be　afraid　of　anything　like　serious　consideration　or　emotion；　whereas　Nechludoff　was　beyond　all　things　an　enthusiast；　and　would　often；　despite　their　sarcastic　remarks；　plunge　into　dissertations　on　philosophical　matters　or　matters　of　feeling。　Again；　the　two　former　liked　talking　about　the　fair　objects　of　their　adoration　（these　were　always　numerous；　and　always　shared　by　the　friends　in　common）；　whereas　Nechludoff　invariably　grew　annoyed　when　taxed　with　his　love　for　a　certain　red…haired　lady。

Again；　Woloda　and　Dubkoff　often　permitted　themselves　to　criticise　their　relatives；　and　to　find　amusement　in　so　doing；　but　Nechludoff　flew　into　a　tremendous　rage　when　on　one　occasion　they　referred　to　some　weak　points　in　the　character　of　an　aunt　of　his　whom　he　adored。　Finally；　after　supper　Woloda　and　Dubkoff　would　usually　go　off　to　some　place　whither　Nechludoff　would　not　accompany　them；　wherefore　they　called　him　〃a　dainty　girl。〃

The　very　first　time　that　I　ever　saw　Prince　Nechludoff　I　was　struck　with　his　exterior　and　conversation。　Yet；　though　I　could　discern　a　great　similarity　between　his　disposition　and　my　own　（or　perhaps　it　was　because　I　COULD　so　discern　it）；　the　impression　which　he　produced　upon　me　at　first　was　anything　but　agreeable。　I　liked　neither　his　quick　glance；　his　hard　voice；　his　proud　bearing；　nor　（least　of　all）　the　utter　indifference　with　which　he　treated　me。　Often；　when　conversing；　I　burned　to　contradict　him；　to　punish　his　pride　by　confuting　him；　to　show　him　that　I　was　clever　in　spite　of　his　disdainful　neglect　of　my　presence。　But　I　was　invariably　prevented　from　doing　so　by　my　shyness。



XXVI。　DISCUSSIONS

Woloda　was　lying　reading　a　French　novel　on　the　sofa　when　I　paid　my　usual　visit　to　his　room　after　my　evening　lessons。　He　looked　up　at　me　for　a　moment　from　his　book；　and　then　went　on　reading。　This　perfectly　simple　and　natural　movement；　however；　offended　me。　I　conceived　that　the　glance　implied　a　question　why　I　had　come　and　a　wish　to　hide　his　thoughts　from　me　（I　may　say　that　at　that　period　a　tendency　to　attach　a　meaning　to　the　most　insignificant　of　acts　formed　a　prominent　feature　in　my　character）。　So　I　went　to　the　table　and　also　took　up　a　book　to　read。　Yet；　even　before　I　had　actually　begun　reading；　the　idea　struck　me　how　ridiculous　it　was　that；　although　we　had　never　seen　one　another　all　day；　we　should　have　not　a　word　to　exchange。

〃Are　you　going　to　stay　in　to…night；　Woloda？〃

〃I　don't　know。　Why？〃

〃Oh；　because〃　Seeing　that　the　conversation　did　not　promise　to　be　a　success；　I　took　up　my　book　again；　and　began　to　read。　Yet　it　was　a　strange　thing　that；　though　we　sometimes　passed　whole　hours　together　without　speaking　when　we　were　alone；　the　mere　presence　of　a　thirdsometimes　of　a　taciturn　and　wholly　uninteresting　personsufficed　to　plunge　us　into　the　most　varied　and　engrossing　of　discussions。　The　truth　was　that　we　knew　one　another　too　well；　and　to　know　a　person　either　too　well　or　too　little　acts　as　a　bar　to　intimacy。

〃Is　Woloda　at　home？〃　came　in　Dubkoff's　voice　from　the　ante…room。

〃Yes！〃　shou