boyhood-第13章

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〃You　may　feel　pleased　at　your　work；〃　said　St。　Jerome　to　me　as　he　led　me　from　the　room。

〃Good　God！　What　have　I　done？〃　I　thought　to　myself。　〃What　a　terribly　bad　boy　I　am！〃

As　soon　as　St。　Jerome；　bidding　me　go　into　his　room；　had　returned　to　Grandmamma；　I；　all　unconscious　of　what　I　was　doing；　ran　down　the　grand　staircase　leading　to　the　front　door。　Whether　I　intended　to　drown　myself；　or　whether　merely　to　run　away　from　home；　I　do　not　remember。　I　only　know　that　I　went　blindly　on；　my　face　covered　with　my　hands　that　I　might　see　nothing。

〃Where　are　you　going　to？〃　asked　a　well…known　voice。　〃I　want　you；　my　boy。〃

I　would　have　passed　on；　but　Papa　caught　hold　of　me；　and　said　sternly：

〃Come　here；　you　impudent　rascal。　How　could　you　dare　to　do　such　a　thing　as　to　touch　the　portfolio　in　my　study？〃　he　went　on　as　he　dragged　me　into　his　room。　〃Oh！　you　are　silent；　eh？〃　and　he　pulled　my　ear。

〃Yes；　I　WAS　naughty；〃　I　said。　〃I　don't　know　myself　what　came　over　me　then。〃

〃So　you　don't　know　what　came　over　youyou　don't　know；　you　don't　know？　〃　he　repeated　as　he　pulled　my　ear　harder　and　harder。　〃Will　you　go　and　put　your　nose　where　you　ought　not　to　againwill　you；　will　you？〃

Although　my　ear　was　in　great　pain；　I　did　not　cry；　but；　on　the　contrary；　felt　a　sort　of　morally　pleasing　sensation。　No　sooner　did　he　let　go　of　my　ear　than　I　seized　his　hand　and　covered　it　with　tears　and　kisses。

〃Please　whip　me！〃　I　cried；　sobbing。　〃Please　hurt　me　the　more　and　more；　for　I　am　a　wretched；　bad；　miserable　boy！〃

〃Why；　what　on　earth　is　the　matter　with　you？〃　he　said；　giving　me　a　slight　push　from　him。

〃No；　I　will　not　go　away！〃　I　continued；　seizing　his　coat。　〃Every　one　else　hates　meI　know　that；　but　do　YOU　listen　to　me　and　protect　me；　or　else　send　me　away　altogether。　I　cannot　live　with　HIM。　He　tries　to　humiliate　mehe　tells　me　to　kneel　before　him；　and　wants　to　strike　me。　I　can't　stand　it。　I'm　not　a　baby。　I　can't　stand　itI　shall　die；　I　shall　kill　myself。　HE　told　Grandmamma　that　I　was　naughty；　and　now　she　is　illshe　will　die　through　me。　It　is　all　his　fault。　Please　let　meW…why　should…he…tor…ment　me？〃

The　tears　choked　my　further　speech。　I　sat　down　on　the　sofa；　and；　with　my　head　buried　on　Papa's　knees；　sobbed　until　I　thought　I　should　die　of　grief。

〃Come；　come！　Why　are　you　such　a　water…pump？〃　said　Papa　compassionately；　as　he　stooped　over　me。

〃He　is　such　a　bully！　He　is　murdering　me！　I　shall　die！　Nobody　loves　me　at　all！〃　I　gasped　almost　inaudibly；　and　went　into　convulsions。

Papa　lifted　me　up；　and　carried　me　to　my　bedroom；　where　I　fell　asleep。

When　I　awoke　it　was　late。　Only　a　solitary　candle　burned　in　the　room；　while　beside　the　bed　there　were　seated　Mimi；　Lubotshka；　and　our　doctor。　In　their　faces　I　could　discern　anxiety　for　my　health；　so；　although　I　felt　so　well　after　my　twelve…hours'　sleep　that　I　could　have　got　up　directly；　I　thought　it　best　to　let　them　continue　thinking　that　I　was　unwell。



XVII。　HATRED

Yes；　it　was　the　real　feeling　of　hatred　that　was　mine　nownot　the　hatred　of　which　one　reads　in　novels；　and　in　the　existence　of　which　I　do　not　believethe　hatred　which　finds　satisfaction　in　doing　harm　to　a　fellow…creature；　but　the　hatred　which　consists　of　an　unconquerable　aversion　to　a　person　who　may　be　wholly　deserving　of　your　esteem；　yet　whose　very　hair；　neck；　walk；　voice；　limbs；　movements；　and　everything　else　are　disgusting　to　you；　while　all　the　while　an　incomprehensible　force　attracts　you　towards　him；　and　compels　you　to　follow　his　slightest　acts　with　anxious　attention。

This　was　the　feeling　which　I　cherished　for　St。　Jerome；　who　had　lived　with　us　now　for　a　year　and　a　half。

Judging　coolly　of　the　man　at　this　time　of　day；　I　find　that　he　was　a　true　Frenchman；　but　a　Frenchman　in　the　better　acceptation　of　the　term。　He　was　fairly　well　educated；　and　fulfilled　his　duties　to　us　conscientiously；　but　he　had　the　peculiar　features　of　fickle　egotism；　boastfulness；　impertinence；　and　ignorant　self…assurance　which　are　common　to　all　his　countrymen；　as　well　as　entirely　opposed　to　the　Russian　character；

All　this　set　me　against　him；　Grandmamma　had　signified　to　him　her　dislike　for　corporal　punishment；　and　therefore　he　dared　not　beat　us；　but　he　frequently　THREATENED　us；　particularly　myself；　with　the　cane；　and　would　utter　the　word　fouetter　as　though　it　were　fouatter　in　an　expressive　and　detestable　way　which　always　gave　me　the　idea　that　to　whip　me　would　afford　him　the　greatest　possible　satisfaction。

I　was　not　in　the　least　afraid　of　the　bodily　pain；　for　I　had　never　experienced　it。　It　was　the　mere　idea　that　he　could　beat　me　that　threw　me　into　such　paroxysms　of　wrath　and　despair。

True；　Karl　Ivanitch　sometimes　（in　moments　of　exasperation）　had　recourse　to　a　ruler　or　to　his　braces；　but　that　I　can　look　back　upon　without　anger。　Even　if　he　had　struck　me　at　the　time　of　which　I　am　now　speaking　（namely；　when　I　was　fourteen　years　old）；　I　should　have　submitted　quietly　to　the　correction；　for　I　loved　him；　and　had　known　him　all　my　life；　and　looked　upon　him　as　a　member　of　our　family；　but　St。　Jerome　was　a　conceited；　opinionated　fellow　for　whom　I　felt　merely　the　unwilling　respect　which　I　entertained　for　all　persons　older　than　myself。　Karl　Ivanitch　was　a　comical　old　〃Uncle〃　whom　I　loved　with　my　whole　heart；　but　who；　according　to　my　childish　conception　of　social　distinctions；　ranked　below　us；　whereas　St。　Jerome　was　a　well…educated；　handsome　young　dandy　who　was　for　showing　himself　the　equal　of　any　one。

Karl　Ivanitch　had　always　scolded　and　punished　us　coolly；　as　though　he　thought　it　a　necessary；　but　extremely　disagreeable；　duty。　St。　Jerome；　on　the　contrary；　always　liked　to　emphasise　his　part　as　JUDGE　when　correcting　us；　and　clearly　did　it　as　much　for　his　own　satisfaction　as　for　our　good。　He　loved　authority。　Nevertheless；　I　always　found　his　grandiloquent　French　phrases　（which　he　pronounced　with　a　strong　emphasis　on　all　the　final　syllables）　inexpressibly　disgusting；　whereas　Karl；　when　angry；　had　never　said　anything　beyond；　〃What　a　foolish　puppet…comedy　it　is！〃　or　〃You　boys　are　as　irritating　as　Spanish　fly！〃　（which　he　always　called　〃Spaniard〃　fly）。　St。　Jerome；　however；　had　names　for　us　like　〃mauvais　sujet；〃　〃villain；〃　〃garnement；〃　and　so　forth　epithets　which　greatly　offended　my　self…respect。　When　Karl　Ivanitch　ordered　us　to　kneel　in　the　corner　with　our　faces　to　the　wall；　the　punishment　consisted　merely　in　the　bodily　discomfort　of　the　position；　whereas　St。　Jerome；　in　such　cases；　always　assumed　a　haughty　air；　made　a　grandiose　gesture　with　his　hand；　and　exclaiming　in　a　pseudo…tragic　tone；　〃A　genoux；　mauvais　sujet！〃　ordered　us　to　kneel　with　our　faces　towards　him；　and　to　crave　his　pardon。　His　punishment　consisted　in　humiliation。

However；　on　the　present　occasion　the　punishment　never　came；　nor　was　the　matter　ever　referred　to　again。　Yet；　I　could　not　forget　all　that　I　had　gone　throughthe　shame；　the　fear；　and　the　hatred　of　those　two　days。　From　that　time　forth；　St。　Jerome　appeared　to　give　me　up　in　despair；　and　took　no　further　trouble　with　me；　yet　I　could　not　bring　myself　to　treat　him　with　indifference。　Every　time　that　our　eyes　met　I　felt　that　my　look　expressed　only　too　plainly　my　dislike；　and；　though　I　tried　hard　to　assume　a　careless　air；　he　seemed　to　divine　my　hypocrisy；　until　I　was　forced　to　blush　and　turn　away。

In　short；　it　was　a　terrible　trial　to　me　to　have　anything　to　do　with　him。



XVIII。　THE　MAIDSERVANTS'　ROOM

I　BEGAN　to　feel　more　and　more　lonely；　until　my　chief　solace　lay　in　solitary　reflection　and　observation。　Of　the　favourite　subject　of　my　reflections　I　shall　speak　in　the　next　chapter。　The　scene　where　I　indulged　in　them　was；　for　preference；　the　maidservants'　room；　where　a　plot　suitable　for　a　novel　was　in　progressa　plot　which　touched　and　engrossed　me　to　the　highest　degree。　The　heroine　of　the　romance　was；　of　course；　Masha。　She　was　in　love　with　Basil；　who　had　known　her　before　she　had　become　a　servant　in　our　house；　and　who　had　promised　to　marry　her　some　day。　Unfortunately；　fate；　which　had　separated　them　five　years　ago；　and　afterwards　reunited　them　in　Grandmamma's　abode；　next　proceeded　to　interpose　an　obstacle　between　them　in　the　shape　of　Masha's　uncle；　our　man　Nicola；　who　would　not　hear　of　his　niece　marrying　that　〃uneducated　and　unbearable　fellow；〃　as　he　called　Basil。　One　eff