boyhood-第12章

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　never　forgotten　to　say　my　prayers；　either　morning　or　evening。　Indeed；　I　can　positively　declare　that　it　was　during　that　hour　in　the　store…room　that　I　took　the　first　step　towards　the　religious　doubt　which　afterwards　assailed　me　during　my　youth　（not　that　mere　misfortune　could　arouse　me　to　infidelity　and　murmuring；　but　that；　at　moments　of　utter　contrition　and　solitude；　the　idea　of　the　injustice　of　Providence　took　root　in　me　as　readily　as　bad　seed　takes　root　in　land　well　soaked　with　rain）。　Also；　I　imagined　that　I　was　going　to　die　there　and　then；　and　drew　vivid　pictures　of　St。　Jerome's　astonishment　when　he　entered　the　store…room　and　found　a　corpse　there　instead　of　myself！　Likewise；　recollecting　what　Natalia　Savishna　had　told　me　of　the　forty　days　during　which　the　souls　of　the　departed　must　hover　around　their　earthly　home；　I　imagined　myself　flying　through　the　rooms　of　Grandmamma's　house；　and　seeing　Lubotshka's　bitter　tears；　and　hearing　Grandmamma's　lamentations；　and　listening　to　Papa　and　St。　Jerome　talking　together。　〃He　was　a　fine　boy；〃　Papa　would　say　with　tears　in　his　eyes。　〃Yes；〃　St。　Jerome　would　reply；　〃but　a　sad　scapegrace　and　good…for…nothing。〃　〃But　you　should　respect　the　dead；〃　would　expostulate　Papa。　〃YOU　were　the　cause　of　his　death；　YOU　frightened　him　until　he　could　no　longer　bear　the　thought　of　the　humiliation　which　you　were　about　to　inflict　upon　him。　Away　from　me；　criminal！〃　Upon　that　St。　Jerome　would　fall　upon　his　knees　and　implore　forgiveness；　and　when　the　forty　days　were　ended　my　soul　would　fly　to　Heaven；　and　see　there　something　wonderfully　beautiful；　white；　and　transparent；　and　know　that　it　was　Mamma。

And　that　something　would　embrace　and　caress　me。　Yet；　all　at　once；　I　should　feel　troubled；　and　not　know　her。　〃If　it　be　you；〃　I　should　say　to　her；　〃show　yourself　more　distinctly；　so　that　I　may　embrace　you　in　return。〃　And　her　voice　would　answer　me；　〃Do　you　not　feel　happy　thus？〃　and　I　should　reply；　〃Yes；　I　do；　but　you　cannot　REALLY　caress　me；　and　I　cannot　REALLY　kiss　your　hand　like　this。〃　〃But　it　is　not　necessary；〃　she　would　say。　〃There　can　be　happiness　here　without　that；〃and　I　should　feel　that　it　was　so；　and　we　should　ascend　together；　ever　higher　and　higher；　until

Suddenly　I　feel　as　though　I　am　being　thrown　down　again；　and　find　myself　sitting　on　the　trunk　in　the　dark　store…room　（my　cheeks　wet　with　tears　and　my　thoughts　in　a　mist）；　yet　still　repeating　the　words；　〃Let　us　ascend　together；　higher　and　higher。〃　Indeed；　it　was　a　long；　long　while　before　I　could　remember　where　I　was；　for　at　that　moment　my　mind's　eye　saw　only　a　dark；　dreadful；　illimitable　void。　I　tried　to　renew　the　happy；　consoling　dream　which　had　been　thus　interrupted　by　the　return　to　reality；　but；　to　my　surprise；　I　found　that；　as　soon　as　ever　I　attempted　to　re…enter　former　dreams；　their　continuation　became　impossible；　whilewhich　astonished　me　even　morethey　no　longer　gave　me　pleasure。



XVI。　〃KEEP　ON　GRINDING；　AND　YOU'LL　HAVE　FLOUR〃

I　PASSED　the　night　in　the　store…room；　and　nothing　further　happened；　except　that　on　the　following　morninga　SundayI　was　removed　to　a　small　chamber　adjoining　the　schoolroom；　and　once　more　shut　up。　I　began　to　hope　that　my　punishment　was　going　to　be　limited　to　confinement；　and　found　my　thoughts　growing　calmer　under　the　influence　of　a　sound；　soft　sleep；　the　clear　sunlight　playing　upon　the　frost　crystals　of　the　windowpanes；　and　the　familiar　noises　in　the　street。

Nevertheless；　solitude　gradually　became　intolerable。　I　wanted　to　move　about；　and　to　communicate　to　some　one　all　that　was　lying　upon　my　heart；　but　not　a　living　creature　was　near　me。　The　position　was　the　more　unpleasant　because；　willy…nilly；　I　could　hear　St。　Jerome　walking　about　in　his　room；　and　softly　whistling　some　hackneyed　tune。　Somehow；　I　felt　convinced　that　he　was　whistling　not　because　he　wanted　to；　but　because　he　knew　it　annoyed　me。

At　two　o'clock；　he　and　Woloda　departed　downstairs；　and　Nicola　brought　me　up　some　luncheon。　When　I　told　him　what　I　had　done　and　what　was　awaiting　me　he　said：

〃Pshaw；　sir！　Don't　be　alarmed。　'Keep　on　grinding；　and　you'll　have　flour。'〃

Although　this　expression　（which　also　in　later　days　has　more　than　once　helped　me　to　preserve　my　firmness　of　mind）　brought　me　a　little　comfort；　the　fact　that　I　received；　not　bread　and　water　only；　but　a　whole　luncheon；　and　even　dessert；　gave　me　much　to　think　about。　If　they　had　sent　me　no　dessert；　it　would　have　meant　that　my　punishment　was　to　be　limited　to　confinement；　whereas　it　was　now　evident　that　I　was　looked　upon　as　not　yet　punishedthat　I　was　only　being　kept　away　from　the　others；　as　an　evil…doer；　until　the　due　time　of　punishment。　While　I　was　still　debating　the　question；　the　key　of　my　prison　turned；　and　St。　Jerome　entered　with　a　severe；　official　air。

〃Come　down　and　see　your　Grandmamma；〃　he　said　without　looking　at　me。

I　should　have　liked　first　to　have　brushed　my　jacket；　since　it　was　covered　with　dust；　but　St。　Jerome　said　that　that　was　quite　unnecessary；　since　I　was　in　such　a　deplorable　moral　condition　that　my　exterior　was　not　worth　considering。　As　he　led　me　through　the　salon；　Katenka；　Lubotshka；　and　Woloda　looked　at　me　with　much　the　same　expression　as　we　were　wont　to　look　at　the　convicts　who　on　certain　days　filed　past　my　grandmother's　house。　Likewise；　when　I　approached　Grandmamma's　arm…chair　to　kiss　her　hand；　she　withdrew　it；　and　thrust　it　under　her　mantilla。

〃Well；　my　dear；〃　she　began　after　a　long　pause；　during　which　she　regarded　me　from　head　to　foot　with　the　kind　of　expression　which　makes　one　uncertain　where　to　look　or　what　to　do；　〃I　must　say　that　you　seem　to　value　my　love　very　highly；　and　afford　me　great　consolation。〃　Then　she　went　on；　with　an　emphasis　on　each　word；　〃Monsieur　St。　Jerome；　who；　at　my　request；　undertook　your　education；　says　that　he　can　no　longer　remain　in　the　house。　And　why？　Simply　because　of　you。〃　Another　pause　ensued。　Presently　she　continued　in　a　tone　which　clearly　showed　that　her　speech　had　been　prepared　beforehand；　〃I　had　hoped　that　you　would　be　grateful　for　all　his　care；　and　for　all　the　trouble　that　he　has　taken　with　you；　that　you　would　have　appreciated　his　services；　but　youyou　baby；　you　silly　boy！you　actually　dare　to　raise　your　hand　against　him！　Very　well；　very　good。　I　am　beginning　to　think　that　you　cannot　understand　kind　treatment；　but　require　to　be　treated　in　a　very　different　and　humiliating　fashion。　Go　now　directly　and　beg　his　pardon；〃　she　added　in　a　stern　and　peremptory　tone　as　she　pointed　to　St。　Jerome；　〃Do　you　hear　me？〃

I　followed　the　direction　of　her　finger　with　my　eye；　but　on　that　member　alighting　upon　St。　Jerome's　coat；　I　turned　my　head　away；　and　once　more　felt　my　heart　beating　violently　as　I　remained　where　I　was。

〃What？　Did　you　not　hear　me　when　I　told　you　what　to　do？〃

I　was　trembling　all　over；　but　I　would　not　stir。

〃Koko；〃　went　on　my　grandmother；　probably　divining　my　inward　sufferings；　〃Koko；〃　she　repeated　in　a　voice　tender　rather　than　harsh；　〃is　this　you？〃

〃Grandmamma；　I　cannot　beg　his　pardon　for〃　and　I　stopped　suddenly；　for　I　felt　the　next　word　refuse　to　come　for　the　tears　that　were　choking　me。

〃But　I　ordered　you；　I　begged　of　you；　to　do　so。　What　is　the　matter　with　you？〃

〃I…I…I　will　notI　cannot！〃　I　gasped；　and　the　tears；　long　pent　up　and　accumulated　in　my　breast；　burst　forth　like　a　stream　which　breaks　its　dikes　and　goes　flowing　madly　over　the　country。

〃C'est　ainsi　que　vous　obeissez　a　votre　seconde　mere；　c'est　ainsi　que　vous　reconnaissez　ses　bontes！〃　remarked　St。　Jerome　quietly；　〃A　genoux！〃

〃Good　God！　If　SHE　had　seen　this！〃　exclaimed　Grandmamma；　turning　from　me　and　wiping　away　her　tears。　〃If　she　had　seen　this！　It　may　be　all　for　the　best；　yet　she　could　never　have　survived　such　griefnever！〃　and　Grandmamma　wept　more　and　more。　I　too　wept；　but　it　never　occurred　to　me　to　ask　for　pardon。

〃Tranquillisez…vous　au　nom　du　ciel；　Madame　la　Comtesse；〃　said　St。　Jerome；　but　Grandmamma　heard　him　not。　She　covered　her　face　with　her　hands；　and　her　sobs　soon　passed　to　hiccups　and　hysteria。　Mimi　and　Gasha　came　running　in　with　frightened　faces；　salts　and　spirits　were　applied；　and　the　whole　house　was　soon　in　a　ferment。

〃You　may　feel　pleased　at　your　work；〃　said　St。　Jerome　to　me　as　he　led　me　from　the　room。

〃Good　God！　What　have　I　done？〃　I　thought　to　myself。　〃Wha