boyhood-第11章

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osing　near　the　bench　on　which　his　aged　father　was　lying　asleep；　face　downwards；　and　suddenly　raise　the　implement　in　order　to　observe　with　unconscious　curiosity　how　the　blood　would　come　spurting　out　upon　the　floor　if　he　made　a　wound　in　the　sleeper's　neck。　It　is　under　the　same　influencethe　same　absence　of　thought；　the　same　instinctive　curiositythat　a　man　finds　delight　in　standing　on　the　brink　of　an　abyss　and　thinking　to　himself；　〃How　if　I　were　to　throw　myself　down？〃　or　in　holding　to　his　brow　a　loaded　pistol　and　wondering；　〃What　if　I　were　to　pull　the　trigger？〃　or　in　feeling；　when　he　catches　sight　of　some　universally　respected　personage；　that　he　would　like　to　go　up　to　him；　pull　his　nose　hard；　and　say；　〃How　do　you　do；　old　boy？〃

Under　the　spell；　then；　of　this　instinctive　agitation　and　lack　of　reflection　I　was　moved　to　put　out　my　tongue；　and　to　say　that　I　would　not　move；　when　St。　Jerome　came　down　and　told　me　that　I　had　behaved　so　badly　that　day；　as　well　as　done　my　lessons　so　ill；　that　I　had　no　right　to　be　where　I　was；　and　must　go　upstairs　directly。

At　first；　from　astonishment　and　anger；　he　could　not　utter　a　word。

〃C'est　bien！〃　he　exclaimed　eventually　as　he　darted　towards　me。　〃Several　times　have　I　promised　to　punish　you；　and　you　have　been　saved　from　it　by　your　Grandmamma；　but　now　I　see　that　nothing　but　the　cane　will　teach　you　obedience；　and　you　shall　therefore　taste　it。〃

This　was　said　loud　enough　for　every　one　to　hear。　The　blood　rushed　to　my　heart　with　such　vehemence　that　I　could　feel　that　organ　beating　violentlycould　feel　the　colour　rising　to　my　cheeks　and　my　lips　trembling。　Probably　I　looked　horrible　at　that　moment；　for；　avoiding　my　eye；　St。　Jerome　stepped　forward　and　caught　me　by　the　hand。　Hardly　feeling　his　touch；　I　pulled　away　my　hand　in　blind　fury；　and　with　all　my　childish　might　struck　him。

〃What　are　you　doing？〃　said　Woloda；　who　had　seen　my　behaviour；　and　now　approached　me　in　alarm　and　astonishment。

〃Let　me　alone！〃　I　exclaimed；　the　tears　flowing　fast。　〃Not　a　single　one　of　you　loves　me　or　understands　how　miserable　I　am！　You　are　all　of　you　odious　and　disgusting！〃　I　added　bluntly；　turning　to　the　company　at　large。

At　this　moment　St。　Jeromehis　face　pale；　but　determined　approached　me　again；　and；　with　a　movement　too　quick　to　admit　of　any　defence；　seized　my　hands　as　with　a　pair　of　tongs；　and　dragged　me　away。　My　head　swam　with　excitement；　and　I　can　only　remember　that；　so　long　as　I　had　strength　to　do　it；　I　fought　with　head　and　legs；　that　my　nose　several　times　collided　with　a　pair　of　knees；　that　my　teeth　tore　some　one's　coat；　that　all　around　me　I　could　hear　the　shuffling　of　feet；　and　that　I　could　smell　dust　and　the　scent　of　violets　with　which　St。　Jerome　used　to　perfume　himself。

Five　minutes　later　the　door　of　the　store…room　closed　behind　me。

〃Basil；〃　said　a　triumphant　but　detestable　voice；　〃bring　me　the　cane。〃



XV。　DREAMS

Could　I　at　that　moment　have　supposed　that　I　should　ever　live　to　survive　the　misfortunes　of　that　day；　or　that　there　would　ever　come　a　time　when　I　should　be　able　to　look　back　upon　those　misfortunes　composedly？

As　I　sat　there　thinking　over　what　I　had　done；　I　could　not　imagine　what　the　matter　had　been　with　me。　I　only　felt　with　despair　that　I　was　for　ever　lost。

At　first　the　most　profound　stillness　reigned　around　meat　least；　so　it　appeared　to　me　as　compared　with　the　violent　internal　emotion　which　I　had　been　experiencing；　but　by　and　by　I　began　to　distinguish　various　sounds。　Basil　brought　something　downstairs　which　he　laid　upon　a　chest　outside。　It　sounded　like　a　broom…　stick。　Below　me　I　could　hear　St。　Jerome's　grumbling　voice　（probably　he　was　speaking　of　me）；　and　then　children's　voices　and　laughter　and　footsteps；　until　in　a　few　moments　everything　seemed　to　have　regained　its　normal　course　in　the　house；　as　though　nobody　knew　or　cared　to　know　that　here　was　I　sitting　alone　in　the　dark　store…room！

I　did　not　cry；　but　something　lay　heavy；　like　a　stone；　upon　my　heart。　Ideas　and　pictures　passed　with　extraordinary　rapidity　before　my　troubled　imagination；　yet　through　their　fantastic　sequence　broke　continually　the　remembrance　of　the　misfortune　which　had　befallen　me　as　I　once　again　plunged　into　an　interminable　labyrinth　of　conjectures　as　to　the　punishment；　the　fate；　and　the　despair　that　were　awaiting　me。　The　thought　occurred　to　me　that　there　must　be　some　reason　for　the　general　dislikeeven　contemptwhich　I　fancied　to　be　felt　for　me　by　others。　I　was　firmly　convinced　that　every　one；　from　Grandmamma　down　to　the　coachman　Philip；　despised　me；　and　found　pleasure　in　my　sufferings。　Next　an　idea　struck　me　that　perhaps　I　was　not　the　son　of　my　father　and　mother　at　all；　nor　Woloda's　brother；　but　only　some　unfortunate　orphan　who　had　been　adopted　by　them　out　of　compassion；　and　this　absurd　notion　not　only　afforded　me　a　certain　melancholy　consolation；　but　seemed　to　me　quite　probable。　I　found　it　comforting　to　think　that　I　was　unhappy；　not　through　my　own　fault；　but　because　I　was　fated　to　be　so　from　my　birth；　and　conceived　that　my　destiny　was　very　much　like　poor　Karl　Ivanitch's。

〃Why　conceal　the　secret　any　longer；　now　that　I　have　discovered　it？〃　I　reflected。　〃To…morrow　I　will　go　to　Papa　and　say　to　him；　'It　is　in　vain　for　you　to　try　and　conceal　from　me　the　mystery　of　my　birth。　I　know　it　already。'　And　he　will　answer　me；　'What　else　could　I　do；　my　good　fellow？　Sooner　or　later　you　would　have　had　to　know　that　you　are　not　my　son；　but　were　adopted　as　such。　Nevertheless；　so　long　as　you　remain　worthy　of　my　love；　I　will　never　cast　you　out。'　Then　I　shall　say；　'Papa；　though　I　have　no　right　to　call　you　by　that　name；　and　am　now　doing　so　for　the　last　time；　I　have　always　loved　you；　and　shall　always　retain　that　love。　At　the　same　time；　while　I　can　never　forget　that　you　have　been　my　benefactor；　I　cannot　remain　longer　in　your　house。　Nobody　here　loves　me；　and　St。　Jerome　has　wrought　my　ruin。　Either　he　or　I　must　go　forth；　since　I　cannot　answer　for　myself。　I　hate　the　man　so　that　I　could　do　anythingI　could　even　kill　him。'　Papa　will　begin　to　entreat　me；　but　I　shall　make　a　gesture；　and　say；　'No；　no；　my　friend　and　benefactor！　We　cannot　live　together。　Let　me　go'and　for　the　last　time　I　shall　embrace　him；　and　say　in　French；　'O　mon　pere；　O　mon　bienfaiteur；　donne　moi；　pour　la　derniere　fois；　ta　benediction；　et　que　la　volonte　de　Dieu　soit　faite！'〃

I　sobbed　bitterly　at　these　thoughts　as　I　sat　on　a　trunk　in　that　dark　storeroom。　Then；　suddenly　recollecting　the　shameful　punishment　which　was　awaiting　me；　I　would　find　myself　back　again　in　actuality；　and　the　dreams　had　fled。　Soon；　again；　I　began　to　fancy　myself　far　away　from　the　house　and　alone　in　the　world。　I　enter　a　hussar　regiment　and　go　to　war。　Surrounded　by　the　foe　on　every　side；　I　wave　my　sword；　and　kill　one　of　them　and　wound　anotherthen　a　third；then　a　fourth。　At　last；　exhausted　with　loss　of　blood　and　fatigue；　I　fall　to　the　ground　and　cry；　〃Victory！〃　The　general　comes　to　look　for　me；　asking；　〃Where　is　our　saviour？〃　whereupon　I　am　pointed　out　to　him。　He　embraces　me；　and；　in　his　turn；　exclaims　with　tears　of　joy；　〃Victory！〃　　I　recover　and；　with　my　arm　in　a　black　sling；　go　to　walk　on　the　boulevards。　I　am　a　general　now。　I　meet　the　Emperor；　who　asks；　〃Who　is　this　young　man　who　has　been　wounded？〃　He　is　told　that　it　is　the　famous　hero　Nicolas；　whereupon　he　approaches　me　and　says；　〃My　thanks　to　you！　Whatsoever　you　may　ask　for；　I　will　grant　it。〃　To　this　I　bow　respectfully；　and；　leaning　on　my　sword；　reply；　〃I　am　happy；　most　august　Emperor；　that　I　have　been　able　to　shed　my　blood　for　my　country。　I　would　gladly　have　died　for　it。　Yet；　since　you　are　so　generous　as　to　grant　any　wish　of　mine；　I　venture　to　ask　of　you　permission　to　annihilate　my　enemy；　the　foreigner　St。　Jerome〃　And　then　I　step　fiercely　before　St。　Jerome　and　say；　〃YOU　were　the　cause　of　all　my　fortunes！　Down　now　on　your　knees！〃

Unfortunately　this　recalled　to　my　mind　the　fact　that　at　any　moment　the　REAL　St。　Jerome　might　be　entering　with　the　cane；　so　that　once　more　I　saw　myself；　not　a　general　and　the　saviour　of　my　country；　but　an　unhappy；　pitiful　creature。

Then　the　idea　of　God　occurred　to　me；　and　I　asked　Him　boldly　why　He　had　punished　me　thus；　seeing　that　I　had　never　forgotten　to　say　my　prayers；　either　morning　or　evening。　Indeed；　I　can　positively　declare　that