boyhood-第10章
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My childish feeling of unlimited respect for my elders； especially for Papa； was so strong within me that my intellect involuntarily refused to draw any conclusions from what I had seen。 I felt that Papa was living in a sphere completely apart from； incomprehensible by； and unattainable for； me； as well as one that was in every way excellent； and that any attempt on my part to criticise the secrets of his life would constitute something like sacrilege。
For this reason； the discovery which I made from Papa's portfolio left no clear impression upon my mind； but only a dim consciousness that I had done wrong。 I felt ashamed and confused。
The feeling made me eager to shut the portfolio again as quickly as possible； but it seemed as though on this unlucky day I was destined to experience every possible kind of adversity。 I put the key back into the padlock and turned it round； but not in the right direction。 Thinking that the portfolio was now locked； I pulled at the key and； oh horror！ found my hand come away with only the top half of the key in it！ In vain did I try to put the two halves together； and to extract the portion that was sticking in the padlock。 At last I had to resign myself to the dreadful thought that I had committed a new crime one which would be discovered to…day as soon as ever Papa returned to his study！ First of all； Mimi's accusation on the staircase； and then that one mark； and then this key！ Nothing worse could happen now。 This very evening I should be assailed successively by Grandmamma （because of Mimi's denunciation）； by St。 Jerome （because of the solitary mark）； and by Papa （because of the matter of this key） yes； all in one evening！
〃What on earth is to become of me？ What have I done？〃 I exclaimed as I paced the soft carpet。 〃Well；〃 I went on with sudden determination； 〃what MUST come； MUSTthat's all；〃 and； taking up the bonbons and the cigars； I ran back to the other part of the house。
The fatalistic formula with which I had concluded （and which was one that I often heard Nicola utter during my childhood） always produced in me； at the more difficult crises of my life； a momentarily soothing； beneficial effect。 Consequently； when I re… entered the drawing…room； I was in a rather excited； unnatural mood； yet one that was perfectly cheerful。
XIII。 THE TRAITRESS
After luncheon we began to play at round games； in which I took a lively part。 While indulging in 〃cat and mouse〃； I happened to cannon rather awkwardly against the Kornakoffs' governess； who was playing with us； and； stepping on her dress； tore a large hole in it。 Seeing that the girlsparticularly Sonetchkawere anything but displeased at the spectacle of the governess angrily departing to the maidservants' room to have her dress mended； I resolved to procure them the satisfaction a second time。 Accordingly； in pursuance of this amiable resolution； I waited until my victim returned； and then began to gallop madly round her； until a favourable moment occurred for once more planting my heel upon her dress and reopening the rent。 Sonetchka and the young princesses had much ado to restrain their laughter； which excited my conceit the more； but St。 Jerome； who had probably divined my tricks； came up to me with the frown which I could never abide in him； and said that； since I seemed disposed to mischief； he would have to send me away if I did not moderate my behaviour。
However； I was in the desperate position of a person who； having staked more than he has in his pocket； and feeling that he can never make up his account； continues to plunge on unlucky cards not because he hopes to regain his losses； but because it will not do for him to stop and consider。 So； I merely laughed in an impudent fashion and flung away from my monitor。
After 〃cat and mouse〃； another game followed in which the gentlemen sit on one row of chairs and the ladies on another； and choose each other for partners。 The youngest princess always chose the younger Iwin； Katenka either Woloda or Ilinka； and Sonetchka Seriosha nor； to my extreme astonishment； did Sonetchka seem at all embarrassed when her cavalier went and sat down beside her。 On the contrary； she only laughed her sweet； musical laugh； and made a sign with her head that he had chosen right。 Since nobody chose me； I always had the mortification of finding myself left over； and of hearing them say； 〃Who has been left out？ Oh； Nicolinka。 Well； DO take him； somebody。〃 Consequently； whenever it came to my turn to guess who had chosen me； I had to go either to my sister or to one of the ugly elder princesses。 Sonetchka seemed so absorbed in Seriosha that in her eyes I clearly existed no longer。 I do not quite know why I called her 〃the traitress〃 in my thoughts； since she had never promised to choose me instead of Seriosha； but； for all that； I felt convinced that she was treating me in a very abominable fashion。 After the game was finished； I actually saw 〃the traitress〃 （from whom I nevertheless could not withdraw my eyes） go with Seriosha and Katenka into a corner； and engage in secret confabulation。 Stealing softly round the piano which masked the conclave； I beheld the following：
Katenka was holding up a pocket…handkerchief by two of its corners； so as to form a screen for the heads of her two companions。 〃No； you have lost！ You must pay the forfeit！〃 cried Seriosha at that moment； and Sonetchka； who was standing in front of him； blushed like a criminal as she replied； 〃No； I have NOT lost！ HAVE I； Mademoiselle Katherine？〃 〃Well； I must speak the truth；〃 answered Katenka； 〃and say that you HAVE lost； my dear。〃 Scarcely had she spoken the words when Seriosha embraced Sonetchka； and kissed her right on her rosy lips！ And Sonetchka smiled as though it were nothing； but merely something very pleasant！
Horrors！ The artful 〃traitress！〃
XIV。 THE RETRIBUTION
Instantly； I began to feel a strong contempt for the female sex in general and Sonetchka in particular。 I began to think that there was nothing at all amusing in these gamesthat they were only fit for girls； and felt as though I should like to make a great noise； or to do something of such extraordinary boldness that every one would be forced to admire it。 The opportunity soon arrived。 St。 Jerome said something to Mimi； and then left the room； I could hear his footsteps ascending the staircase； and then passing across the schoolroom； and the idea occurred to me that Mimi must have told him her story about my being found on the landing； and thereupon he had gone to look at the register。 （In those days； it must be remembered； I believed that St。 Jerome's whole aim in life was to annoy me。） Some where I have read that； not infrequently； children of from twelve to fourteen years of agethat is to say； children just passing from childhood to adolescenceare addicted to incendiarism； or even to murder。 As I look back upon my childhood； and particularly upon the mood in which I was on that （for myself） most unlucky day； I can quite understand the possibility of such terrible crimes being committed by children without any real aim in view without any real wish to do wrong； but merely out of curiosity or under the influence of an unconscious necessity for action。 There are moments when the human being sees the future in such lurid colours that he shrinks from fixing his mental eye upon it； puts a check upon all his intellectual activity； and tries to feel convinced that the future will never be； and that the past has never been。 At such momentsmoments when thought does not shrink from manifestations of will； and the carnal instincts alone constitute the springs of lifeI can understand that want of experience （which is a particularly predisposing factor in this connection） might very possibly lead a child； aye； without fear or hesitation； but rather with a smile of curiosity on its face； to set fire to the house in which its parents and brothers and sisters （beings whom it tenderly loves） are lying asleep。 It would be under the same influence of momentary absence of thoughtalmost absence of mindthat a peasant boy of seventeen might catch sight of the edge of a newly…sharpened axe reposing near the bench on which his aged father was lying asleep； face d
