memoirs of carwin the biloquist-第3章
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This idea bred in me a temporary consternation。 To imitate the voice of the dead； to counterfeit a commission from heaven； bore the aspect of presumption and impiety。 It seemed an offence which could not fail to draw after it the vengeance of the deity。 My wishes for a time yielded to my fears； but this scheme in proportion as I meditated on it； became more plausible； no other occurred to me so easy and so efficacious。 I endeavoured to persuade myself that the end proposed； was； in the highest degree praiseworthy； and that the excellence of my purpose would justify the means employed to attain it。
My resolutions were； for a time； attended with fluctuations and misgivings。 These gradually disappeared； and my purpose became firm； I was next to devise the means of effecting my views； this did not demand any tedious deliberation。 It was easy to gain access to my father's chamber without notice or detection； cautious footsteps and the suppression of breath would place me； unsuspected and unthought of； by his bed side。 The words I should use； and the mode of utterance were not easily settled； but having at length selected these； I made myself by much previous repetition； perfectly familiar with the use of them。
I selected a blustering and inclement night； in which the darkness was augmented by a veil of the blackest clouds。 The building we inhabited was slight in its structure； and full of crevices through which the gale found easy way； and whistled in a thousand cadences。 On this night the elemental music was remarkably sonorous； and was mingled not unfrequently with ~~thunder heard remote~~。
I could not divest myself of secret dread。 My heart faultered with a consciousness of wrong。 Heaven seemed to be present and to disapprove my work； I listened to the thunder and the wind； as to the stern voice of this disapprobation。 Big drops stood on my forehead； and my tremors almost incapacitated me from proceeding。
These impediments however I surmounted； I crept up stairs at midnight； and entered my father's chamber。 The darkness was intense and I sought with outstretched hands for his bed。 The darkness； added to the trepidation of my thoughts； disabled me from making a right estimate of distances： I was conscious of this； and when I advanced within the room； paused。
I endeavoured to compare the progress I had made with my knowledge of the room； and governed by the result of this comparison； proceeded cautiously and with hands still outstretched in search of the foot of the bed。 At this moment lightning flashed into the room： the brightness of the gleam was dazzling； yet it afforded me an exact knowledge of my situation。 I had mistaken my way； and discovered that my knees nearly touched the bedstead； and that my hands at the next step； would have touched my father's cheek。 His closed eyes and every line in his countenance； were painted； as it were； for an instant on my sight。
The flash was accompanied with a burst of thunder； whose vehemence was stunning。 I always entertained a dread of thunder； and now recoiled； overborne with terror。 Never had I witnessed so luminous a gleam and so tremendous a shock； yet my father's slumber appeared not to be disturbed by it。
I stood irresolute and trembling； to prosecute my purpose in this state of mind was impossible。 I resolved for the present to relinquish it； and turned with a view of exploring my way out of the chamber。 Just then a light seen through the window； caught my eye。 It was at first weak but speedily increased； no second thought was necessary to inform me that the barn； situated at a small distance from the house； and newly stored with hay； was in flames； in consequence of being struck by the lightning。
My terror at this spectacle made me careless of all consequences relative to myself。 I rushed to the bed and throwing myself on my father； awakened him by loud cries。 The family were speedily roused； and were compelled to remain impotent spectators of the devastation。 Fortunately the wind blew in a contrary direction； so that our habitation was not injured。
The impression that was made upon me by the incidents of that night is indelible。 The wind gradually rose into an hurricane； the largest branches were torn from the trees； and whirled aloft into the air； others were uprooted and laid prostrate on the ground。 The barn was a spacious edifice； consisting wholly of wood； and filled with a plenteous harvest。 Thus supplied with fuel； and fanned by the wind； the fire raged with incredible fury； meanwhile clouds rolled above； whose blackness was rendered more conspicuous by reflection from the flames； the vast volumes of smoke were dissipated in a moment by the storm； while glowing fragments and cinders were borne to an immense hight； and tossed everywhere in wild confusion。 Ever and anon the sable canopy that hung around us was streaked with lightning； and the peals； by which it was accompanied； were deafning； and with scarcely any intermission。
It was； doubtless； absurd to imagine any connexion between this portentous scene and the purpose that I had meditated； yet a belief of this connexion； though wavering and obscure； lurked in my mind； something more than a coincidence merely casual； appeared to have subsisted between my situation； at my father's bed side； and the flash that darted through the window； and diverted me from my design。 It palsied my courage； and strengthened my conviction； that my scheme was criminal。
After some time had elapsed； and tranquility was； in some degree； restored in the family； my father reverted to the circumstances in which I had been discovered on the first alarm of this event。 The truth was impossible to be told。 I felt the utmost reluctance to be guilty of a falsehood； but by falsehood only could I elude detection。 That my guilt was the offspring of a fatal necessity； that the injustice of others gave it birth and made it unavoidable； afforded me slight consolation。 Nothing can be more injurious than a lie； but its evil tendency chiefly respects our future conduct。 Its direct consequences may be transient and few； but it facilitates a repetition； strengthens temptation； and grows into habit。 I pretended some necessity had drawn me from my bed； and that discovering the condition of the barn； I hastened to inform my father。
Some time after this； my father summoned me to his presence。 I had been previously guilty of disobedience to his commands； in a matter about which he was usually very scrupulous。 My brother had been privy to my offence； and had threatened to be my accuser。 On this occasion I expected nothing but arraignment and punishment。 Weary of oppression； and hopeless of any change in my father's temper and views； I had formed the resolution of eloping from his house； and of trusting； young as I was； to the caprice of fortune。 I was hesitating whether to abscond without the knowledge of the family； or to make my resolutions known to them； and while I avowed my resolution； to adhere to it in spite of opposition and remonstrances； when I received this summons。
I was employed at this time in the field； night was approaching； and I had made no preparation for departure； all the preparation in my power to make； was indeed small； a few clothes； made into a bundle； was the sum of my possessions。 Time would have little influence in improving my prospects； and I resolved to execute my scheme immediately。
I left my work intending to seek my chamber； and taking what was my own； to disappear forever。 I turned a stile that led out of the field into a bye path； when my father appeared before me； advancing in an opposite direction； to avoid him was impossible； and I summoned my fortitude to a conflict with his passion。
As soon as we met； instead of anger and upbraiding； he told me； that he had been reflecting on my aunt's proposal； to take me under her protection； and had concluded that the plan was proper； if I still retained my wishes on that head； he would readily comply with them； and that； if I chose； I might set off for the city next morning； as a neighbours waggon was preparing to go。
I shall not dwell on the rapture with which this proposal was listened to： it was with diffi
