memoirs of carwin the biloquist-第17章

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I　am　greatly　at　a　loss　by　what　means　to　impress　you　with　a　full　conviction　of　the　truth　of　what　I　have　just　said。　　Endless　are　the　sophistries　by　which　we　seduce　ourselves　into　perilous　and　doubtful　paths。　　What　we　do　not　see；　we　disbelieve；　or　we　heed　not。　The　sword　may　descend　upon　our　infatuated　head　from　above；　but　we　who　are；　meanwhile；　busily　inspecting　the　ground　at　our　feet；　or　gazing　at　the　scene　around　us；　are　not　aware　or　apprehensive　of　its　irresistible　coming。　　In　this　case；　it　must　not　be　seen　before　it　is　felt；　or　before　that　time　comes　when　the　danger　of　incurring　it　is　over。　　I　cannot　withdraw　the　veil；　and　disclose　to　your　view　the　exterminating　angel。　　All　must　be　vacant　and　blank；　and　the　danger　that　stands　armed　with　death　at　your　elbow　must　continue　to　be　totally　invisible；　till　that　moment　when　its　vengeance　is　provoked　or　unprovokable。　　I　will　do　my　part　to　encourage　you　in　good；　or　intimidate　you　from　evil。　　I　am　anxious　to　set　before　you　all　the　motives　which　are　fitted　to　influence　your　conduct；　but　how　shall　I　work　on　your　convictions？

Here　another　pause　ensued；　which　I　had　not　courage　enough　to　interrupt。　　He　presently　resumed。

Perhaps　you　recollect　a　visit　which　you　paid；　on　Christmas　day；　in　the　year　；　to　the　cathedral　church　at　Toledo。　　Do　you　remember？

A　moment's　reflection　recalled　to　my　mind　all　the　incidents　of　that　day。　　I　had　good　reason　to　remember　them。　　I　felt　no　small　trepidation　when　Ludloe　referred　me　to　that　day；　for；　at　the　moment；　I　was　doubtful　whether　there　had　not　been　some　bivocal　agency　exerted　On　that　occasion。　　Luckily；　however；　it　was　almost　the　only　similar　occasion　in　which　it　had　been　wholly　silent。

I　answered　in　the　affirmative。　　I　remember　them　perfectly。

And　yet；　said　Ludloe；　with　a　smile　that　seemed　intended　to　disarm　this　declaration　of　some　of　its　terrors；　I　suspect　your　recollection　is　not　as　exact　as　mine；　nor；　indeed；　your　knowledge　as　extensive。　　You　met　there；　for　the　first　time；　a　female；　whose　nominal　uncle；　but　real　father；　a　dean　of　that　ancient　church；　resided　in　a　blue　stone　house；　the　third　from　the　west　angle　of　the　square　of　St。　　Jago。

All　this　was　exactly　true。

This　female；　continued　he；　fell　in　love　with　you。　　Her　passion　made　her　deaf　to　all　the　dictates　of　modesty　and　duty；　and　she　gave　you　sufficient　intimations；　in　subsequent　interviews　at　the　same　place；　of　this　passion；　which；　she　being　fair　and　enticing；　you　were　not　slow　in　comprehending　and　returning。　　As　not　only　the　safety　of　your　intercourse；　but　even　of　both　your　lives；　depended　on　being　shielded　even　from　suspicion；　the　utmost　wariness　and　caution　was　observed　in　all　your　proceedings。　　Tell　me　whether　you　succeeded　in　your　efforts　to　this　end。

I　replied；　that；　at　the　time；　I　had　no　doubt　but　I　had。

And　yet；　said　he；　drawing　something　from　his　pocket；　and　putting　it　into　my　hand；　there　is　the　slip　of　paper；　with　the　preconcerted　emblem　inscribed　upon　it；　which　the　infatuated　girl　dropped　in　your　sight；　one　evening；　in　the　left　aisle　of　that　church。　　That　paper　you　imagined　you　afterwards　burnt　in　your　chamber　lamp。　　In　pursuance　of　this　token；　you　deferred　your　intended　visit；　and　next　day　the　lady　was　accidentally　drowned；　in　passing　a　river。　　Here　ended　your　connexion　with　her；　and　with　her　was　buried；　as　you　thought；　all　memory　of　this　transaction。

I　leave　you　to　draw　your　own　inference　from　this　disclosure。　Meditate　upon　it　when　alone。　　Recal　all　the　incidents　of　that　drama；　and　labour　to　conceive　the　means　by　which　my　sagacity　has　been　able　to　reach　events　that　took　place　so　far　off；　and　under　so　deep　a　covering。　　If　you　cannot　penetrate　these　means；　learn　to　reverence　my　assertions；　that　I　cannot　be　deceived；　and　let　sincerity　be　henceforth　the　rule　of　your　conduct　towards　me；　not　merely　because　it　is　right；　but　because　concealment　is　impossible。

We　will　stop　here。　　There　is　no　haste　required　of　us。　Yesterday's　discourse　will　suffice　for　to…day；　and　for　many　days　to　come。　　Let　what　has　already　taken　place　be　the　subject　of　profound　and　mature　reflection。　　Review；　once　more；　the　incidents　of　your　early　life；　previous　to　your　introduction　to　me；　and；　at　our　next　conference；　prepare　to　supply　all　those　deficiencies　occasioned　by　negligence；　forgetfulness；　or　design　on　our　first。　　There　must　be　some。　　There　must　be　many。　　The　whole　truth　can　only　be　disclosed　after　numerous　and　repeated　conversations。　　These　must　take　place　at　considerable　intervals；　and　when　~~all~~　is　told；　then　shall　you　be　ready　to　encounter　the　final　ordeal；　and　load　yourself　with　heavy　and　terrific　sanctions。

I　shall　be　the　proper　judge　of　the　completeness　of　your　confession。Knowing　previously；　and　by　unerring　means；　your　whole　history；　I　shall　be　able　to　detect　all　that　is　deficient；　as　well　as　all　that　is　redundant。　　Your　confessions　have　hitherto　adhered　to　the　truth；　but　deficient　they　are；　and　they　must　be；　for　who；　at　a　single　trial；　can　detail　the　secrets　of　his　life？　　whose　recollection　can　fully　serve　him　at　an　instant's　notice？　　who　can　free　himself；　by　a　single　effort；　from　the　dominion　of　fear　and　shame？　　We　expect　no　miracles　of　fortitude　and　purity　from　our　disciples。　　It　is　our　discipline；　our　wariness；　our　laborious　preparation　that　creates　the　excellence　we　have　among　us。　　We　find　it　not　ready　made。

I　counsel　you　to　join　Mrs。　Benington　without　delay。　　You　may　see　me　when　and　as　often　as　you　please。　　When　it　is　proper　to　renew　the　present　topic；　it　shall　be　renewed。　　Till　then　we　will　be　silent。Here　Ludloe　left　me　alone；　but　not　to　indifference　or　vacuity。　　Indeed　I　was　overwhelmed　with　the　reflections　that　arose　from　this　conversation。　　So；　said　I；　I　am　still　saved；　if　I　have　wisdom　enough　to　use　the　opportunity；　from　the　consequences　of　past　concealments。　　By　a　distinction　which　I　had　wholly　overlooked；　but　which　could　not　be　missed　by　the　sagacity　and　equity　of　Ludloe；　I　have　praise　for　telling　the　truth；　and　an　excuse　for　withholding　some　of　the　truth。　　It　was；　indeed；　a　praise　to　which　I　was　entitled；　for　I　have　made　no　~~additions~~　to　the　tale　of　my　early　adventures。　　I　had　no　motive　to　exaggerate　or　dress　out　in　false　colours。　　What　I　sought　to　conceal；　I　was　careful　to　exclude　entirely；　that　a　lame　or　defective　narrative　might　awaken　no　suspicions。

The　allusion　to　incidents　at　Toledo　confounded　and　bewildered　all　my　thoughts。　　I　still　held　the　paper　he　had　given　me。　　So　far　as　memory　could　be　trusted；　it　was　the　same　which；　an　hour　after　I　had　received　it；　I　burnt；　as　I　conceived；　with　my　own　hands。　　How　Ludloe　came　into　possession　of　this　paper；　how　he　was　apprised　of　incidents；　to　which　only　the　female　mentioned　and　myself　were　privy；　which　she　had　too　good　reason　to　hide　from　all　the　world；　and　which　I　had　taken　infinite　pains　to　bury　in　oblivion；　I　vainly　endeavoured　to　conjecture。




End