memoirs of carwin the biloquist-第15章
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nward by this accidental disclosure？ In either case how was I to regulate my future deportment toward him？ Was I to speak and act as if this atlas had escaped my attention or not？ I had already； after my first examination of it； placed the volume exactly where I found it。 On every supposition I thought this was the safest way； and unlocked the closet a second time； to see that all was precisely in the original order。 。 。 。 。 How was I dismayed and confounded on inspecting the shelves to perceive that the atlas was gone。 This was a theft； which； from the closet being under lock and key； and the key always in my own pocket； and which； from the very nature of the thing stolen； could not be imputed to any of the domestics。 After a few moments a suspicion occurred； which was soon changed intO certainty by applying to the housekeeper； who told me that Ludlow had returned； apparently in much haste； the evening of the day on which he had set out upon his journey； and just after I had left the house； that he had gone into the room where this closet of books was； and； after a few minutes' stay； came out again and went away。 She told me also； that he had made general enquiries after me； to which she had answered； that she had not seen me during the day； and supposed that I had spent the whole of it abroad。 From this account it was plain； that Ludlow had returned for no other purpose but to remove this book out of my reach。 But if he had a double key to this door； what should hinder his having access； by the same means； to every other locked up place in the house？
This suggestion made me start with terror。 Of so obvious a means for possessing a knowledge of every thing under his roof； I had never been till this moment aware。 Such is the infatuation which lays our most secret thoughts open to the world's scrutiny。 We are frequently in most danger when we deem ourselves most safe； and our fortress is taken sometimes through a point； whose weakness nothing； it should seem； but the blindest stupidity could overlook。
My terrors； indeed； quickly subsided when I came to recollect that there was nothing in any closet or cabinet of mine which could possibly throw light upon subjects which I desired to keep in the dark。 The more carefully I inspected my own drawers； and the more I reflected on the character of Ludlow； as I had known it； the less reason did there appear in my suspicions； but I drew a lesson of caution from this circumstance； which contributed to my future safety。
From this incident I could not but infer Ludlow's unwillingness to let me so far into his geographical secret； as well as the certainty of that suspicion； which had very early been suggested to my thoughts； that Ludlow's plans of civilization had been carried into practice in some unvisited corner of the world。 It was strange； however； that he should betray himself by such an inadvertency。 One who talked so confidently of his own powers； to unveil any secret of mine； and； at the same time； to conceal his own transactions； had surely committed an unpardonable error in leaving this important document in my way。 My reverence； indeed； for Ludlow was such； that I sometimes entertained the notion that this seeming oversight was； in truth； a regular contrivance to supply me with a knowledge； of which； when I came maturely to reflect； it was impossible for me to make any ill use。 There is no use in relating what would not be believed； and should I publish to the world the existence of islands in the space allotted by Ludlow's maps to these ~incognitae~； what would the world answer？ That whether the space described was sea or land was of no importance。 That the moral and political condition of its inhabitants was the only topic worthy of rational curiosity。 Since I had gained no information upon this point； since I had nothing to disclose but vain and fantastic surmises； I might as well be ignorant of every thing。 Thus； from secretly condemning Ludlow's imprudence； I gradually passed to admiration of his policy。 This discovery had no other effect than to stimulate my curiosity； to keep up my zeal to prosecute the journey I had commenced under his auspices。
I had hitherto formed a resolution to stop where I was in Ludlow's confidence： to wait till the success should be ascertained of my projects with respect to Mrs。 Benington； before I made any new advance in the perilous and mysterious road into which he had led my steps。 But； before this tedious fortnight had elapsed； I was grown extremely impatient for an interview； and had nearly resolved to undertake whatever obligation he should lay upon me。
This obligation was indeed a heavy one； since it included the confession of my vocal powers。 In itself the confession was little。 To possess this faculty was neither laudable nor culpable； nor had it been exercised in a way which I should be very much ashamed to acknowledge。 It had led me into many insincerities and artifices； which； though not justifiable by any creed； was entitled to some excuse； on the score of youthful ardour and temerity。 The true difficulty in the way of these confessions was the not having made them already。 Ludlow had long been entitled to this confidence； and； though the existence of this power was venial or wholly innocent； the obstinate concealment of it was a different matter； and would certainly expose me to suspicion and rebuke。 But what was the alternative？ To conceal it。 To incur those dreadful punishments awarded against treason in this particular。 Ludlow's menaces still rung in my ears； and appalled my heart。 How should I be able to shun them？ By concealing from every one what I concealed from him？ How was my concealment of such a faculty to be suspected or proved？ Unless I betrayed myself； who could betray me？
In this state of mind； I resolved to confess myself to Ludlow in the way that he required； reserving only the secret of this faculty。 Awful； indeed； said I； is the crisis of my fate。 If Ludlow's declarations are true； a horrid catastrophe awaits me： but as fast as my resolutions were shaken； they were confirmed anew by the recollectionWho can betray me but myself？ If I deny； who is there can prove？ Suspicion can never light upon the truth。 If it does； it can never be converted into certainty。 Even my own lips cannot confirm it； since who will believe my testimony？
By such illusions was I fortified in my desperate resolution。 Ludlow returned at the time appointed。 He informed me that Mrs。 Benington expected me next morning。 She was ready to depart for her country residence； where she proposed to spend the ensuing summer； and would carry me along with her。 In consequence of this arrangement； he said； many months would elapse before he should see me again。 You will indeed； continued he； be pretty much shut up from all society。 Your books and your new friend will be your chief； if not only companions。 Her life is not a social one； because she has formed extravagant notions of the importance of lonely worship and devout solitude。 Much of her time will be spent in meditation upon pious books in her closet。 Some of it in long solitary rides in her coach； for the sake of exercise。 Little will remain for eating and sleeping； so that unless you can prevail upon her to violate her ordinary rules for your sake； you will be left pretty much to yourself。 You will have the more time to reflect upon what has hitherto been the theme of our conversations。 You can come to town when you want to see me。 I shall generally be found in these apartments。
In the present state of my mind； though impatient to see Mrs。 Benington； I was still more impatient to remove the veil between Ludlow and myself。 After some pause； I ventured to enquire if there was any impediment to my advancement in the road he had already pointed out to my curiosity and ambition。
He replied； with great solemnity； that I was already acquainted with the next step to be taken in this road。 If I was prepared to make him my confessor； as to the past； the present； and the future； ~~without exception or condition~~； but what arose from defect of memory； he was willing to receive my confession。
I declared myself ready to do so。
I need
