a simpleton-第20章

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a　thousand　times　have　her　as　she　is；　than　armed　with　the　cunning
and　suspicions　of　a　hardened　old　worldling　like　you。〃

〃With　all　my　heart；〃　said　Uncle　Philip；　who；　to　do　him　justice；
could　take　blows　as　well　as　give　them；　〃but　why　employ　a　broker？
Why　pay　a　scoundrel　five　per　cent　to　make　you　pay　a　hundred　per
cent？　　Why　pay　a　noisy　fool　a　farthing　to　open　his　mouth　for　you
when　you　have　taken　the　trouble　to　be　there　yourself；　and　have　got
a　mouth　of　your　own　to　bid　discreetly　with？　　Was　ever　such　an
absurdity？〃　　He　began　to　get　angry。

〃Do　you　want　to　quarrel　with　me；　Uncle　Philip？〃　said　Christopher；
firing　up；　〃because　sneering　at　my　Rosa　is　the　way；　and　the　only
way；　and　the　sure　way。〃

〃Oh；　no；〃　said　Rosa；　interposing。　　〃Uncle　Philip　was　right。　　I　am
very　foolish　and　inexperienced；　but　I　am　not　so　vain　as　to　turn
from　good　advice。　　I　will　never　employ　a　broker　again；　sir。〃

Uncle　Philip　smiled　and　looked　pleased。

Mrs。　Cole　caused　a　diversion　by　taking　leave；　and　Rosa　followed　her
down…stairs。　　On　her　return　she　found　Christopher　telling　his　uncle
all　about　the　Bijou；　and　how　he　had　taken　it　for　a　hundred　and
thirty　pounds　a　year　and　a　hundred　pounds　premium；　and　Uncle　Philip
staring　fearfully。

At　last　he　found　his　tongue。　　〃The　Bijou！〃　said　he。　　〃Why；　that　is
a　name　they　gave　to　a　little　den　in　Dear　Street；　Mayfair。　　You
haven't　ever　been　and　taken　THAT！　　Built　over　a　mews。〃

Christopher　groaned。　　〃That　is　the　place；　I　fear。〃

〃Why　the　owner　is　a　friend　of　mine；　an　old　patient。　　Stables　stunk
him　out。　　Let　it　to　a　man；　I　forget　his　name。　　Stables　stunk　HIM
out。　　He　said；　'I　shall　go。'　　'You　can't；'　said　my　friend；　'you
have　taken　a　lease。'　　'Lease　be　dd；'　said　the　other；　'I　never
took　YOUR　house；　here's　quite　a　large　stench　not　specified　in　your
description　of　the　propertyIT　CAN'T　BE　THE　SAME　PLACE；'　flung　the
lease　at　his　head；　and　cut　like　the　wind　to　foreign　parts　less
odoriferous。　　I'd　have　got　you　the　hole　for　ninety；　but　you　are
like　your　wifeyou　must　go　to　an　agent。　　What！　don't　you　know　that
an　agent　is　a　man　acting　for　you　with　an　interest　opposed　to　yours？
Employing　an　agent！　it　is　like　a　Trojan　seeking　the　aid　of　a　Greek。
You　needn't　cry；　Mrs。　Staines；　your　husband　has　been　let　in　deeper
than　you　have。　　Now；　you　are　young　people　beginning　life；　I'll　give
you　a　piece　of　advice。　　Employ　others　to　do　what　you　can't　do；　and
it　must　be　done；　but　never　to　do　anything　you　can　do　better　for
yourselves！　　Agent！　　The　word　is　derived　from　a　Latin　word　'agere；'
to　do；　and　agents　act　up　to　their　etymology；　for　they　invariably　DO
the　nincompoop　that　employs　them；　or　deals　with　them；　in　any　mortal
way。　　I'd　have　got　you　that　beastly　little　Bijou　for　ninety　pounds
a　year。〃

Uncle　Philip　went　away　crusty；　leaving　the　young　couple　finely
mortified　and　discouraged。

That　did　not　last　very　long。　　Christopher　noted　the　experience　and
Uncle　Phil's　wisdom　in　his　diary；　and　then　took　his　wife　on　his
knee；　and　comforted　her；　and　said；　〃Never　mind；　experience　is　worth
money；　and　it　always　has　to　be　bought。　　Those　who　cheat　us　will　die
poorer　than　we　shall；　if　we　are　honest　and　economical。　　I　have
observed　that　people　are　seldom　ruined　by　the　vices　of　others；
these　may　hurt　them；　of　course；　but　it　is　only　their　own　faults　and
follies　that　can　destroy　them。〃

〃Ah！　Christie；〃　said　Rosa；　〃you　are　a　man！　　Oh；　the　comfort　of
being　married　to　A　MAN。　　A　man　sees　the　best　side。　　I　do　adore　men。
Dearest；　I　will　waste　no　more　of　your　money。　　I　will　go　to　no　more
sales。〃

Christopher　saw　she　was　deeply　mortified；　and　he　said；　quietly；　〃On
the　contrary；　you　will　go　to　the　very　next。　　Only　take　Uncle
Philip's　advice；　employ　no　broker；　and　watch　the　prices　things
fetch　when　you　are　not　bidding；　and　keep　cool。〃

She　caressed　his　ears　with　both　her　white　hands；　and　thanked　him
for　giving　her　another　trial。　　So　that　trouble　melted　in　the
sunshine　of　conjugal　love。

Notwithstanding　the　agent's　solemn　assurance；　the　Bijou　was　out　of
repair。　　Dr。　Staines　detected　internal　odors；　as　well　as　those　that
flowed　in　from　the　mews。　　He　was　not　the　man　to　let　his　wife　perish
by　miasma；　so　he　had　the　drains　all　up；　and　actually　found　brick
drains；　and　a　cesspool。　　He　stopped　that　up；　and　laid　down　new　pipe
drains；　with　a　good　fall；　and　properly　trapped。　　The　old　drains
were　hidden；　after　the　manner　of　builders。　　He　had　the　whole　course
of　his　new　drains　marked　upon　all　the　floors　they　passed　under；　and
had　several　stones　and　boards　hinged　to　facilitate　examination　at
any　period。

But　all　this；　with　the　necessary　cleaning；　whitewashing；　painting；
and　papering；　ran　away　with　money。　　Then　came　Rosa's　purchases；
which；　to　her　amazement；　amounted　to　one　hundred　and　ninety　pounds；
and　not　a　carpet；　curtain；　or　bed　amongst　the　lot。　　Then　there　was
the　carriage　home　from　the　auction…room；　an　expense　one　avoids　by
buying　at　a　shop；　and　the　broker　claimed　his　shilling　in　the　pound。
This；　however；　Staines　refused。　　The　man　came　and　blustered。　　Rosa；
who　was　there；　trembled。　　Then；　for　the　first　time；　she　saw　her
husband's　brow　lower；　he　seemed　transfigured；　and　looked　terrible。
〃You　scoundrel；〃　said　he；　〃you　set　another　villain　like　yourself　to
bid　against　you；　and　you　betrayed　the　innocent　lady　that　employed
you。　　I　could　indict　you　and　your　confederate　for　a　conspiracy。　　I
take　the　goods　out　of　respect　for　my　wife's　credit；　but　you　shall
gain　nothing　by　swindling　her。　　Be　off；　you　heartless　miscreant；　or
I'll〃

〃I'll　take　the　law；　if　you　do。〃

〃Take　it；　then！　　I'll　give　you　something　to　howl　for；〃　and　he
seized　him　with　a　grasp　so　tremendous　that　the　fellow　cried　out　in
dismay；　〃Oh！　don't　hit　me；　sir；　pray　don't。〃

On　this　abject　appeal；　Staines　tore　the　door　open　with　his　left
hand；　and　spun　the　broker　out　into　the　passage　with　his　right。　　Two
movements　of　this　angry　Hercules；　and　the　man　was　literally　whirled
out　of　sight　with　a　rapidity　and　swiftness　almost　ludicrous；　it　was
like　a　trick　in　a　pantomime。　　A　clatter　on　the　stairs　betrayed　that
he　had　gone　down　the　first　few　steps　in　a　wholesale　and　irregular
manner；　though　he　had　just　managed　to　keep　his　feet。

As　for　Staines；　he　stood　there　still　lowering　like　thunder；　and　his
eyes　like　hot　coals；　but　his　wife　threw　her　tender　arms　around　him；
and　begged　him　consolingly　not　to　mind。

She　was　trembling　like　an　aspen。

〃Dear　me；〃　said　Christopher；　with　a　ludicrous　change　to　marked
politeness　and　respect；　〃I　forgot　YOU；　in　my　righteous
indignation。〃　　Next　he　became　uxorious。　　〃Did　they　frighten　her；　a
duck？　　Sit　on　my　knee；　darling；　and　pull　my　hair；　for　not　being
more　consideratethere！　there！〃

This　was　followed　by　the　whole　absurd　soothing　process；　as
practised　by　manly　husbands　upon　quivering　and　somewhat　hysterical
wives；　and　ended　with　a　formal　apology。　　〃You　must　not　think　that　I
am　passionate；　on　the　contrary；　I　am　always　practising　self…
government。　　My　maxim　is；　Animum　rege　qui　nisi　paret　imperat；　and
that　means；　Make　your　temper　your　servant；　or　else　it　will　be　your
master。　　But　to　ill…use　my　dear　little　wifeit　is　unnatural；　it　is
monstrous；　it　makes　my　blood　boil。〃

〃Oh；　dear！　don't　go　into　another。　　It　is　all　over。　　I　can't　bear　to
see　you　in　a　passion；　you　are　so　terrible；　so　beautiful。　　Ah！　they
are　fine　things；　courage　and　strength。　　There's　nothing　I　admire　so
much。〃

〃Why；　they　are　as　common　as　dirt。　　What　I　admire　is　modesty；
timidity；　sweetness；　the　sensitive　cheek　that　pales　or　blushes　at　a
word；　the　bosom　that　quivers；　and　clings　to　a　fellow　whenever
anything　goes　wrong。〃

〃Oh；　that　is　what　you　admire；　is　it？〃　said　Rosa　dryly。

〃Admire　it？〃　said　Christopher；　not　seeing　the　trap；　〃I　adore　it。〃

〃Then；　Christie；　dear；　you　are　a　Simpleton；　that　is　all。　　And　we
are　made　for　one　another。〃

The　house　was　to　be　furnished　and　occupied　as　soon　as　possible；　so
Mrs。　Staines　and　Mrs。　Cole　went　to　another　sale…room。　　Mrs。　Staines
remembered　all　Uncle　Philip　had　said；　and　went　plainly　dressed；　but
her　friend　declined　to　sacrifice　her　showy　dress　to　her　friend's
interests。　　Rosa　thought　that　a　little　unkind；　but　said　nothing。

In　this　auction…room　they　easily　got