the life of charlotte bronte-1-第61章
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otherwise； she has been sorely tossed； while we have been sleeping in our beds； or lying awake thinking about her。 Yet these real； material dangers； when once past； leave in the mind the satisfaction of having struggled with difficulty； and overcome it。 Strength； courage； and experience are their invariable results； whereas； I doubt whether suffering purely mental has any good result； unless it be to make us by comparison less sensitive to physical suffering 。 。 。 Ten years ago； I should have laughed at your account of the blunder you made in mistaking the bachelor doctor for a married man。 I should have certainly thought you scrupulous over…much； and wondered how you could possibly regret being civil to a decent individual； merely because he happened to be single； instead of double。 Now； however； I can perceive that your scruples are founded on common sense。 I know that if women wish to escape the stigma of husband…seeking； they must act and look like marble or claycold； expressionless； bloodless； for every appearance of feeling； of joy； sorrow； friendliness； antipathy； admiration； disgust； are alike construed by the world into the attempt to hook a husband。 Never mind！ well…meaning women have their own consciences to comfort them after all。 Do not； therefore； be too much afraid of showing yourself as you are； affectionate and good…hearted； do not too harshly repress sentiments and feelings excellent in themselves； because you fear that some puppy may fancy that you are letting them come out to fascinate him； do not condemn yourself to live only by halves； because if you showed too much animation some pragmatical thing in breeches might take it into his pate to imagine that you designed to dedicate your life to his inanity。 Still； a composed； decent； equable deportment is a capital treasure to a woman； and that you possess。 Write again soon； for I feel rather fierce； and want stroking down。〃
〃June 13th； 1845。
〃As to the Mrs。 …； who； you say； is like me； I somehow feel no leaning to her at all。 I never do to people who are said to be like me； because I have always a notion that they are only like me in the disagreeable； outside； first…acquaintance part of my character； in those points which are obvious to the ordinary run of people； and which I know are not pleasing。 You say she is 'clever''a clever person。' How I dislike the term！ It means rather a shrewd； very ugly； meddling； talking woman 。 。 。 I feel reluctant to leave papa for a single day。 His sight diminishes weekly； and can it be wondered at that； as he sees the most precious of his faculties leaving him； his spirits sometimes sink？ It is so hard to feel that his few and scanty pleasures must all soon go。 He has now the greatest difficulty in either reading or writing； and then he dreads the state of dependence to which blindness will inevitably reduce him。 He fears that he will be nothing in his parish。 I try to cheer him； sometimes I succeed temporarily； but no consolation can restore his sight； or atone for the want of it。 Still he is never peevish； never impatient； only anxious and dejected。〃
For the reason just given； Charlotte declined an invitation to the only house to which she was now ever asked to come。 In answer to her correspondent's reply to this letter； she says：…
〃You thought I refused you coldly； did you？ It was a queer sort of coldness； when I would have given my ears to say Yes； and was obliged to say No。 Matters； however； are now a little changed。 Anne is come home； and her presence certainly makes me feel more at liberty。 Then； if all be well； I will come and see you。 Tell me only when I must come。 Mention the week and the day。 Have the kindness also to answer the following queries； if you can。 How far is it from Leeds to Sheffield？ Can you give me a notion of the cost？ Of course； when I come； you will let me enjoy your own company in peace； and not drag me out a visiting。 I have no desire at all to see your curate。 I think he must be like all the other curates I have seen； and they seem to me a self…seeking； vain； empty race。 At this blessed moment； we have no less than three of them in Haworth parishand there is not one to mend another。 The other day； they all three； accompanied by Mr。 S。； dropped； or rather rushed； in unexpectedly to tea。 It was Monday （baking day）； and I was hot and tired； still； if they had behaved quietly and decently； I would have served them out their tea in peace； but they began glorifying themselves； and abusing Dissenters in such a manner； that my temper lost its balance； and I pronounced a few sentences sharply and rapidly； which struck them all dumb。 Papa was greatly horrified also； but I don't regret it。〃
On her return from this short visit to her friend； she travelled with a gentleman in the railway carriage； whose features and bearing betrayed him； in a moment； to be a Frenchman。 She ventured to ask him if such was not the case； and； on his admitting it； she further inquired if he had not passed a considerable time in Germany； and was answered that he had； her quick ear detected something of the thick guttural pronunciation； which； Frenchmen say； they are able to discover even in the grandchildren of their countrymen who have lived any time beyond the Rhine。 Charlotte had retained her skill in the language by the habit of which she thus speaks to M。 Heger：…
〃Je crains beaucoup d'oublier le francaisj'apprends tous les jours une demie page de francais par coeur； et j'ai grand plaisir e apprendre cette lecon； Veuillez presenter e Madame l'assurance de mon estime； je crains que Maria…Louise et Claire ne m'aient deje oubliees； mais je vous reverrai un jour； aussitot que j'aurais gagne assez d'argent pour alter e Bruxelles； j'y irai。〃
And so her journey back to Haworth； after the rare pleasure of this visit to her friend； was pleasantly beguiled by conversation with the French gentleman； and she arrived at home refreshed and happy。 What to find there？
It was ten o'clock when she reached the parsonage。 Branwell was there； unexpectedly； very ill。 He had come home a day or two before； apparently for a holiday； in reality； I imagine； because some discovery had been made which rendered his absence imperatively desirable。 The day of Charlotte's return； he had received a letter from Mr。 …； sternly dismissing him； intimating that his proceedings were discovered； characterising them as bad beyond expression； and charging him； on pain of exposure； to break off immediately； and for ever； all communication with every member of the family。
Whatever may have been the nature and depth of Branwell's sins； whatever may have been his temptation； whatever his guilt；there is no doubt of the suffering which his conduct entailed upon his poor father and his innocent sisters。 The hopes and plans they had cherished long； and laboured hard to fulfil； were cruelly frustrated； henceforward their days were embittered and the natural rest of their nights destroyed by his paroxysms of remorse。 Let us read of the misery caused to his poor sisters in Charlotte's own affecting words：…
〃We have had sad work with Branwell。 He thought of nothing but stunning or drowning his agony of mind。 No one in this house could have rest； and； at last； we have been obliged to send him from home for a week； with some one to look after him。 He has written to me this morning； expressing some sense of contrition 。 。 。 but as long as he remains at home； I scarce dare hope for peace in the house。 We must all； I fear； prepare for a season of distress and disquietude。 When I left you； I was strongly impressed with the feeling that I was going back to sorrow。〃
〃August； 1845。
〃Things here at home are much as usual； not very bright as it regards Branwell； though his health； and consequently his temper； have been somewhat better this last day or two； because he is now FORCED TO abstain。〃
〃August 18th； 1845。
〃I have delayed writing； because I have no good news to communicate。 My hopes ebb low indeed about Branwell。 I sometimes fear he will never be fit for much。 The late blow to his prospects and feelings has quite made him reckless。 It is only absolute want of means that acts as any check
