the life of charlotte bronte-1-第43章

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　her　too　short　careerthe　intensity　of　her　feeling　should　wear　out　her　physical　health。　　The　habit　of　〃making　out；〃　which　had　grown　with　her　growth；　and　strengthened　with　her　strength；　had　become　a　part　of　her　nature。　　Yet　all　exercise　of　her　strongest　and　most　characteristic　faculties　was　now　out　of　the　question。　　She　could　not　（as　while　she　was　at　Miss　W…'s）　feel；　amidst　the　occupations　of　the　day；　that　when　evening　came；　she　might　employ　herself　in　more　congenial　ways。　　No　doubt；　all　who　enter　upon　the　career　of　a　governess　have　to　relinquish　much；　no　doubt；　it　must　ever　be　a　life　of　sacrifice；　but　to　Charlotte　Bronte　it　was　a　perpetual　attempt　to　force　all　her　faculties　into　a　direction　for　which　the　whole　of　her　previous　life　had　unfitted　them。　　Moreover；　the　little　Brontes　had　been　brought　up　motherless；　and　from　knowing　nothing　of　the　gaiety　and　the　sportiveness　of　childhoodfrom　never　having　experienced　caresses　or　fond　attentions　themselvesthey　were　ignorant　of　the　very　nature　of　infancy；　or　how　to　call　out　its　engaging　qualities。　Children　were　to　them　the　troublesome　necessities　of　humanity；　they　had　never　been　drawn　into　contact　with　them　in　any　other　way。　Years　afterwards；　when　Miss　Bronte　came　to　stay　with　us；　she　watched　our　little　girls　perpetually；　and　I　could　not　persuade　her　that　they　were　only　average　specimens　of　well　brought　up　children。　She　was　surprised　and　touched　by　any　sign　of　thoughtfulness　for　others；　of　kindness　to　animals；　or　of　unselfishness　on　their　part：　and　constantly　maintained　that　she　was　in　the　right；　and　I　in　the　wrong；　when　we　differed　on　the　point　of　their　unusual　excellence。　All　this　must　be　borne　in　mind　while　reading　the　following　letters。　　And　it　must　likewise　be　borne　in　mindby　those　who；　surviving　her；　look　back　upon　her　life　from　their　mount　of　observationhow　no　distaste；　no　suffering　ever　made　her　shrink　from　any　course　which　she　believed　it　to　be　her　duty　to　engage　in。


〃March　3rd；　1841。

〃I　told　some　time　since；　that　I　meant　to　get　a　situation；　and　when　I　said　so　my　resolution　was　quite　fixed。　　I　felt　that　however　often　I　was　disappointed；　I　had　no　intention　of　relinquishing　my　efforts。　　After　being　severely　baffled　two　or　three　times；after　a　world　of　trouble；　in　the　way　of　correspondence　and　interviews；　I　have　at　length　succeeded；　and　am　fairly　established　in　my　new　place。

*　*　*

〃The　house　is　not　very　large；　but　exceedingly　comfortable　and　well　regulated；　the　grounds　are　fine　and　extensive。　　In　taking　the　place；　I　have　made　a　large　sacrifice　in　the　way　of　salary；　in　the　hope　of　securing　comfort；by　which　word　I　do　not　mean　to　express　good　eating　and　drinking；　or　warm　fire；　or　a　soft　bed；　but　the　society　of　cheerful　faces；　and　minds　and　hearts　not　dug　out　of　a　lead…mine；　or　cut　from　a　marble　quarry。　　My　salary　is　not　really　more　than　16L。　per　annum；　though　it　is　nominally　20L。；　but　the　expense　of　washing　will　be　deducted　therefrom。　　My　pupils　are　two　in　number；　a　girl　of　eight；　and　a　boy　of　six。　　As　to　my　employers；　you　will　not　expect　me　to　say　much　about　their　characters　when　I　tell　you　that　I　only　arrived　here　yesterday。　　I　have　not　the　faculty　of　telling　an　individual's　disposition　at　first　sight。　Before　I　can　venture　to　pronounce　on　a　character；　I　must　see　it　first　under　various　lights　and　from　various　points　of　view。　　All　I　can　say　therefore　is；　both　Mr。　and　Mrs。seem　to　me　good　sort　of　people。　　I　have　as　yet　had　no　cause　to　complain　of　want　of　considerateness　or　civility。　　My　pupils　are　wild　and　unbroken；　but　apparently　well…disposed。　　I　wish　I　may　be　able　to　say　as　much　next　time　I　write　to　you。　　My　earnest　wish　and　endeavour　will　be　to　please　them。　　If　I　can　but　feel　that　I　am　giving　satisfaction；　and　if　at　the　same　time　I　can　keep　my　health；　I　shall；　I　hope；　be　moderately　happy。　　But　no　one　but　myself　can　tell　how　hard　a　governess's　work　is　to　mefor　no　one　but　myself　is　aware　how　utterly　averse　my　whole　mind　and　nature　are　for　the　employment。　Do　not　think　that　I　fail　to　blame　myself　for　this；　or　that　I　leave　any　means　unemployed　to　conquer　this　feeling。　　Some　of　my　greatest　difficulties　lie　in　things　that　would　appear　to　you　comparatively　trivial。　　I　find　it　so　hard　to　repel　the　rude　familiarity　of　children。　　I　find　it　so　difficult　to　ask　either　servants　or　mistress　for　anything　I　want；　however　much　I　want　it。　　It　is　less　pain　for　me　to　endure　the　greatest　inconvenience　than　to　go　into　the　kitchen　to　request　its　removal。　　I　am　a　fool。　　Heaven　knows　I　cannot　help　it！

〃Now　can　you　tell　me　whether　it　is　considered　improper　for　governesses　to　ask　their　friends　to　come　and　see　them。　　I　do　not　mean；　of　course；　to　stay；　but　just　for　a　call　of　an　hour　or　two？　If　it　is　not　absolute　treason；　I　do　fervently　request　that　you　will　contrive；　in　some　way　or　other；　to　let　me　have　a　sight　of　your　face。　　Yet　I　feel；　at　the　same　time；　that　I　am　making　a　very　foolish　and　almost　impracticable　demand；　yet　this　is　only　four　miles　from　B…　！〃

〃March　21st。

〃You　must　excuse　a　very　short　answer　to　your　most　welcome　letter；　for　my　time　is　entirely　occupied。　　Mrs。expected　a　good　deal　of　sewing　from　me。　　I　cannot　sew　much　during　the　day；　on　account　of　the　children；　who　require　the　utmost　attention。　　I　am　obliged；　therefore；　to　devote　the　evenings　to　this　business。　　Write　to　me　often；　very　long　letters。　　It　will　do　both　of　us　good。　　This　place　is　far　better　than　…；　but　God　knows；　I　have　enough　to　do　to　keep　a　good　heart　in　the　matter。　　What　you　said　has　cheered　me　a　little。　I　wish　I　could　always　act　according　to　your　advice。　　Home…sickness　affects　me　sorely。　　I　like　Mr。extremely。　　The　children　are　over…　indulged；　and　consequently　hard　at　times　to　manage。　　DO；　DO；　do　come　and　see　me；　if　it　be　a　breach　of　etiquette；　never　mind。　　If　you　can　only　stop　an　hour；　come。　　Talk　no　more　about　my　forsaking　you；　my　darling；　I　could　not　afford　to　do　it。　　I　find　it　is　not　in　my　nature　to　get　on　in　this　weary　world　without　sympathy　and　attachment　in　some　quarter；　and　seldom　indeed　do　we　find　it。　　It　is　too　great　a　treasure　to　be　ever　wantonly　thrown　away　when　once　secured。〃


Miss　Bronte　had　not　been　many　weeks　in　her　new　situation　before　she　had　a　proof　of　the　kind…hearted　hospitality　of　her　employers。　Mr。wrote　to　her　father；　and　urgently　invited　him　to　come　and　make　acquaintance　with　his　daughter's　new　home；　by　spending　a　week　with　her　in　it；　and　Mrs。expressed　great　regret　when　one　of　Miss　Bronte's　friends　drove　up　to　the　house　to　leave　a　letter　or　parcel；　without　entering。　　So　she　found　that　all　her　friends　might　freely　visit　her；　and　that　her　father　would　be　received　with　especial　gladness。　　She　thankfully　acknowledged　this　kindness　in　writing　to　urge　her　friend　afresh　to　come　and　see　her；　which　she　accordingly　did。


〃June；　1841。

〃You　can　hardly　fancy　it　possible；　I　dare　say；　that　I　cannot　find　a　quarter　of　an　hour　to　scribble　a　note　in；　but　so　it　is；　and　when　a　note　is　written；　it　has　to　be　carried　a　mile　to　the　post；　and　that　consumes　nearly　an　hour；　which　is　a　large　portion　of　the　day。　Mr。　and　Mrs。have　been　gone　a　week。　　I　heard　from　them　this　morning。　　No　time　is　fixed　for　their　return；　but　I　hope　it　will　not　be　delayed　long；　or　I　shall　miss　the　chance　of　seeing　Anne　this　vacation。　　She　came　home；　I　understand；　last　Wednesday；　and　is　only　to　be　allowed　three　weeks'　vacation；　because　the　family　she　is　with　are　going　to　Scarborough。　　I　SHOULD　LIKE　TO　SEE　HER；　to　judge　for　myself　of　the　state　of　her　health。　　I　dare　not　trust　any　other　person's　report；　no　one　seems　minute　enough　in　their　observations。　　I　should　very　much　have　liked　you　to　have　seen　her。　I　have　got　on　very　well　with　the　servants　and　children　so　far；　yet　it　is　dreary；　solitary　work。　　You　can　tell　as　well　as　me　the　lonely　feeling　of　being　without　a　companion。〃


Soon　after　this　was　written；　Mr。　and　Mrs。returned；　in　time　to　allow　Charlotte　to　go　and　look　after　Anne's　health；　which；　as　she　found　to　her　intense　anxiety；　was　far　from　strong。　　What　could　she　do　to　nurse　and　cherish　up　this　little　sister；　the　youngest　of　them　all？　　Apprehension　about　her　brought　up　once　more　the　idea　of　keeping　a　school。　　If；　by　this　means；　they　three　could　live　together；　and　maintain　themselves；　all　might　go　well。　　They　would　have　some　time　of　th