the life of charlotte bronte-1-第34章

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　it　therefore　my　duty；　when　I　left　school；　to　become　a　governess。　　In　that　capacity　I　find　enough　to　occupy　my　thoughts　all　day　long；　and　my　head　and　hands　too；　without　having　a　moment's　time　for　one　dream　of　the　imagination。　In　the　evenings；　I　confess；　I　do　think；　but　I　never　trouble　any　one　else　with　my　thoughts。　　I　carefully　avoid　any　appearance　of　preoccupation　and　eccentricity；　which　might　lead　those　I　live　amongst　to　suspect　the　nature　of　my　pursuits。　　Following　my　father's　advicewho　from　my　childhood　has　counselled　me；　just　in　the　wise　and　friendly　tone　of　your　letterI　have　endeavoured　not　only　attentively　to　observe　all　the　duties　a　woman　ought　to　fulfil；　but　to　feel　deeply　interested　in　them。　　I　don't　always　succeed；　for　sometimes　when　I'm　teaching　or　sewing　I　would　rather　be　reading　or　writing；　but　I　try　to　deny　myself；　and　my　father's　approbation　amply　rewarded　me　for　the　privation。　　Once　more　allow　me　to　thank　you　with　sincere　gratitude。　　I　trust　I　shall　never　more　feel　ambitious　to　see　my　name　in　print：　　if　the　wish　should　rise；　I'll　look　at　Southey's　letter；　and　suppress　it。　　It　is　honour　enough　for　me　that　I　have　written　to　him；　and　received　an　answer。　　That　letter　is　consecrated；　no　one　shall　ever　see　it；　but　papa　and　my　brother　and　sisters。　　Again　I　thank　you。　　This　incident；　I　suppose；　will　be　renewed　no　more；　if　I　live　to　be　an　old　woman；　I　shall　remember　it　thirty　years　hence　as　a　bright　dream。　　The　signature　which　you　suspected　of　being　fictitious　is　my　real　name。　　Again；　therefore；　I　must　sign　myself；

〃C。　Bronte。

〃P。S。Pray；　sir；　excuse　me　for　writing　to　you　a　second　time；　I　could　not　help　writing；　partly　to　tell　you　how　thankful　I　am　for　your　kindness；　and　partly　to　let　you　know　that　your　advice　shall　not　be　wasted；　however　sorrowfully　and　reluctantly　it　may　be　at　first　followed。

〃C。　B。〃


I　cannot　deny　myself　the　gratification　of　inserting　Southey's　reply：…


〃Keswick；　March　22；　1837。

〃Dear　Madam；

〃Your　letter　has　given　me　great　pleasure；　and　I　should　not　forgive　myself　if　I　did　not　tell　you　so。　　You　have　received　admonition　as　considerately　and　as　kindly　as　it　was　given。　　Let　me　now　request　that；　if　you　ever　should　come　to　these　Lakes　while　I　am　living　here；　you　will　let　me　see　you。　　You　would　then　think　of　me　afterwards　with　the　more　good…will；　because　you　would　perceive　that　there　is　neither　severity　nor　moroseness　in　the　state　of　mind　to　which　years　and　observation　have　brought　me。

〃It　is；　by　God's　mercy；　in　our　power　to　attain　a　degree　of　self…　government；　which　is　essential　to　our　own　happiness；　and　contributes　greatly　to　that　of　those　around　us。　　Take　care　of　over…excitement；　and　endeavour　to　keep　a　quiet　mind　（even　for　your　health　it　is　the　best　advice　that　can　be　given　you）：　　your　moral　and　spiritual　improvement　will　then　keep　pace　with　the　culture　of　your　intellectual　powers。

〃And　now；　madam；　God　bless　you！

〃Farewell；　and　believe　me　to　be　your　sincere　friend；

〃ROBERT　SOUTHEY。


Of　this　second　letter；　also；　she　spoke；　and　told　me　that　it　contained　an　invitation　for　her　to　go　and　see　the　poet　if　ever　she　visited　the　Lakes。　　〃But　there　was　no　money　to　spare；〃　said　she；　〃nor　any　prospect　of　my　ever　earning　money　enough　to　have　the　chance　of　so　great　a　pleasure；　so　I　gave　up　thinking　of　it。〃　　At　the　time　we　conversed　together　on　the　subject　we　were　at　the　Lakes。　　But　Southey　was　dead。

This　〃stringent〃　letter　made　her　put　aside；　for　a　time；　all　idea　of　literary　enterprise。　　She　bent　her　whole　energy　towards　the　fulfilment　of　the　duties　in　hand；　but　her　occupation　was　not　sufficient　food　for　her　great　forces　of　intellect；　and　they　cried　out　perpetually；　〃Give；　give；〃　while　the　comparatively　less　breezy　air　of　Dewsbury　Moor　told　upon　her　health　and　spirits　more　and　more。　　On　August　27；　1837；　she　writes：…


〃I　am　again　at　Dewsbury；　engaged　in　the　old　business；teach；　teach；　teach　。　。　。　WHEN　WILL　YOU　COME　HOME？　　Make　haste！　　You　have　been　at　Bath　long　enough　for　all　purposes；　by　this　time　you　have　acquired　polish　enough；　I　am　sure；　if　the　varnish　is　laid　on　much　thicker；　I　am　afraid　the　good　wood　underneath　will　be　quite　concealed；　and　your　Yorkshire　friends　won't　stand　that。　　Come；　come。　　I　am　getting　really　tired　of　your　absence。　　Saturday　after　Saturday　comes　round；　and　I　can　have　no　hope　of　hearing　your　knock　at　the　door；　and　then　being　told　that　'Miss　E。　is　come。'　　Oh；　dear！　in　this　monotonous　life　of　mine；　that　was　a　pleasant　event。　I　wish　it　would　recur　again；　but　it　will　take　two　or　three　interviews　before　the　stiffnessthe　estrangement　of　this　long　separationwill　wear　away。〃


About　this　time　she　forgot　to　return　a　work…bag　she　had　borrowed；　by　a　messenger；　and　in　repairing　her　error　she　says：…　〃These　aberrations　of　memory　warn　me　pretty　intelligibly　that　I　am　getting　past　my　prime。〃　　AEtat　21！　　And　the　same　tone　of　despondency　runs　through　the　following　letter：…


〃I　wish　exceedingly　that　I　could　come　to　you　before　Christmas；　but　it　is　impossible；　another　three　weeks　must　elapse　before　I　shall　again　have　my　comforter　beside　me；　under　the　roof　of　my　own　dear　quiet　home。　　If　I　could　always　live　with　you；　and　daily　read　the　Bible　with　youif　your　lips　and　mine　could　at　the　same　time　drink　the　same　draught；　from　the　same　pure　fountain　of　mercyI　hope；　I　trust；　I　might　one　day　become　better；　far　better　than　my　evil；　wandering　thoughts；　my　corrupt　heart；　cold　to　the　spirit　and　warm　to　the　flesh；　will　now　permit　me　to　be。　　I　often　plan　the　pleasant　life　which　we　might　lead　together；　strengthening　each　other　in　that　power　of　self…denial；　that　hallowed　and　glowing　devotion；　which　the　first　saints　of　God　often　attained　to。　　My　eyes　fill　with　tears　when　I　contrast　the　bliss　of　such　a　state；　brightened　by　hopes　of　the　future；　with　the　melancholy　state　I　now　live　in；　uncertain　that　I　ever　felt　true　contrition；　wandering　in　thought　and　deed；　longing　for　holiness；　which　I　shall　NEVER；　NEVER　obtain；　smitten　at　times　to　the　heart　with　the　conviction　that　ghastly　Calvinistic　doctrines　are　truedarkened；　in　short；　by　the　very　shadows　of　spiritual　death。　　If　Christian　perfection　be　necessary　to　salvation；　I　shall　never　be　saved；　my　heart　is　a　very　hotbed　for　sinful　thoughts；　and　when　I　decide　on　an　action　I　scarcely　remember　to　look　to　my　Redeemer　for　direction。　　I　know　not　how　to　pray；　I　cannot　bend　my　life　to　the　grand　end　of　doing　good；　I　go　on　constantly　seeking　my　own　pleasure；　pursuing　the　gratification　of　my　own　desires。　　I　forget　God；　and　will　not　God　forget　me？　And；　meantime；　I　know　the　greatness　of　Jehovah；　I　acknowledge　the　perfection　of　His　word；　I　adore　the　purity　of　the　Christian　faith；　my　theory　is　right；　my　practice　horribly　wrong。〃

The　Christmas　holidays　came；　and　she　and　Anne　returned　to　the　parsonage；　and　to　that　happy　home　circle　in　which　alone　their　natures　expanded；　amongst　all　other　people　they　shrivelled　up　more　or　less。　　Indeed；　there　were　only　one　or　two　strangers　who　could　be　admitted　among　the　sisters　without　producing　the　same　result。　Emily　and　Anne　were　bound　up　in　their　lives　and　interests　like　twins。　　The　former　from　reserve；　the　latter　from　timidity；　avoided　all　friendships　and　intimacies　beyond　their　family。　　Emily　was　impervious　to　influence；　she　never　came　in　contact　with　public　opinion；　and　her　own　decision　of　what　was　right　and　fitting　was　a　law　for　her　conduct　and　appearance；　with　which　she　allowed　no　one　to　interfere。　　Her　love　was　poured　out　on　Anne；　as　Charlotte's　was　on　her。　　But　the　affection　among　all　the　three　was　stronger　than　either　death　or　life。

〃E。〃　was　eagerly　welcomed　by　Charlotte；　freely　admitted　by　Emily；　and　kindly　received　by　Anne；　whenever　she　could　visit　them；　and　this　Christmas　she　had　promised　to　do　so；　but　her　coming　had　to　be　delayed　on　account　of　a　little　domestic　accident　detailed　in　the　following　letter：…


〃Dec。　29；　1837。

〃I　am　sure　you　will　have　thought　me　very　remiss　in　not　sending　my　promised　letter　long　before　now；　but　I　have　a　sufficient　and　very　melancholy　excuse　in　an　accident　that　befell　our　old　faithful　Tabby；　a　few　days　after　my　return　home。　　She　was　gone　out　into　the　village　on　some　errand；　when；　as　she　was　descending　the　steep　street；　her　foot　slipped　on　the　ice；　and　she　fell；　it　was　dark；