liber amoris-第6章

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f　the　lodging　is　let；　and　to　whom。　　My　letter　to　her　is　as　follows。　　If　she　shews　the　least　remorse　at　it；　I'll　be　hanged；　though　it　might　move　a　stone；　I　modestly　think。　　（See　before；　Part　I。　first　letter。）

N。B。I　have　begun　a　book　of　our　conversations　（I　mean　mine　and　the　statue's）　which　I　call　LIBER　AMORIS。　　I　was　detained　at　Stamford　and　found　myself　dull；　and　could　hit　upon　no　other　way　of　employing　my　time　so　agreeably。



LETTER　II





Dear　P；　Here；　without　loss　of　time；　in　order　that　I　may　have　your　opinion　upon　it；　is　little　Yes　and　No's　answer　to　my　last。


〃Sir；　I　should　not　have　disregarded　your　injunction　not　to　send　you　any　more　letters　that　might　come　to　you；　had　I　not　promised　the　Gentleman　who　left　the　enclosed　to　forward　it　the　earliest　opportunity；　as　he　said　it　was　of　consequence。　　Mr。　P　called　the　day　after　you　left　town。　　My　mother　and　myself　are　much　obliged　by　your　kind　offer　of　tickets　to　the　play；　but　must　decline　accepting　it。　　My　family　send　their　best　respects；　in　which　they　are　joined　by

Yours；　truly；

S。　L。


The　deuce　a　bit　more　is　there　of　it。　　If　you　can　make　anything　out　of　it　（or　any　body　else）　I'll　be　hanged。　　You　are　to　understand；　this　comes　in　a　frank；　the　second　I　have　received　from　her；　with　a　name　I　can't　make　out；　and　she　won't　tell　me；　though　I　asked　her；　where　she　got　franks；　as　also　whether　the　lodgings　were　let；　to　neither　of　which　a　word　of　answer。　　*　*　*　*　is　the　name　on　the　frank：　see　if　you　can　decypher　it　by　a　Red…book。　　I　suspect　her　grievously　of　being　an　arrant　jilt；　to　say　no　moreyet　I　love　her　dearly。　　Do　you　know　I'm　going　to　write　to　that　sweet　rogue　presently；　having　a　whole　evening　to　myself　in　advance　of　my　work？　　Now　mark；　before　you　set　about　your　exposition　of　the　new　Apocalypse　of　the　new　Calypso；　the　only　thing　to　be　endured　in　the　above　letter　is　the　date。　　It　was　written　the　very　day　after　she　received　mine。　　By　this　she　seems　willing　to　lose　no　time　in　receiving　these　letters　〃of　such　sweet　breath　composed。〃　　If　I　thought　sobut　I　wait　for　your　reply。　　After　all；　what　is　there　in　her　but　a　pretty　figure；　and　that　you　can't　get　a　word　out　of　her？　　Hers　is　the　Fabian　method　of　making　love　and　conquests。　　What　do　you　suppose　she　said　the　night　before　I　left　her？

〃H。　　Could　you　not　come　and　live　with　me　as　a　friend？

〃S。　　I　don't　know：　and　yet　it　would　be　of　no　use　if　I　did；　you　would　always　be　hankering　after　what　could　never　be！〃

I　asked　her　if　she　would　do　so　at　oncethe　very　next　day？　　And　what　do　you　guess　was　her　answer〃Do　you　think　it　would　be　prudent？〃　　As　I　didn't　proceed　to　extremities　on　the　spot；　she　began　to　look　grave；　and　declare　off。　　〃Would　she　live　with　me　in　her　own　houseto　be　with　me　all　day　as　dear　friends；　if　nothing　more；　to　sit　and　read　and　talk　with　me？〃〃She　would　make　no　promises；　but　I　should　find　her　the　same。〃〃Would　she　go　to　the　play　with　me　sometimes；　and　let　it　be　understood　that　I　was　paying　my　addresses　to　her？〃〃She　could　not；　as　a　habither　father　was　rather　strict；　and　would　object。〃Now　what　am　I　to　think　of　all　this？　　Am　I　mad　or　a　fool？　　Answer　me　to　that；　Master　Brook！　　You　are　a　philosopher。



LETTER　III





Dear　Friend；　I　ought　to　have　written　to　you　before；　but　since　I　received　your　letter；　I　have　been　in　a　sort　of　purgatory；　and　what　is　worse；　I　see　no　prospect　of　getting　out　of　it。　　I　would　put　an　end　to　my　torments　at　once；　but　I　am　as　great　a　coward　as　I　have　been　a　dupe。　　Do　you　know　I　have　not　had　a　word　of　answer　from　her　since！　　What　can　be　the　reason？　　Is　she　offended　at　my　letting　you　know　she　wrote　to　me；　or　is　it　some　new　affair？　　I　wrote　to　her　in　the　tenderest；　most　respectful　manner；　poured　my　soul　at　her　feet；　and　this　is　the　return　she　makes　me！　　Can　you　account　for　it；　except　on　the　admission　of　my　worst　doubts　concerning　her？　　Oh　God！　can　I　bear　after　all　to　think　of　her　so；　or　that　I　am　scorned　and　made　a　sport　of　by　the　creature　to　whom　I　had　given　my　whole　heart？　　Thus　has　it　been　with　me　all　my　life；　and　so　will　it　be　to　the　end　of　it！If　you　should　learn　anything；　good　or　bad；　tell　me；　I　conjure　you：　I　can　bear　anything　but　this　cruel　suspense。　　If　I　knew　she　was　a　mere　abandoned　creature；　I　should　try　to　forget　her；　but　till　I　do　know　this；　nothing　can　tear　me　from　her；　I　have　drank　in　poison　from　her　lips　too　longalas！　mine　do　not　poison　again。　　I　sit　and　indulge　my　grief　by　the　hour　together；　my　weakness　grows　upon　me；　and　I　have　no　hope　left；　unless　I　could　lose　my　senses　quite。　　Do　you　know　I　think　I　should　like　this？　　To　forget；　ah！　to　forgetthere　would　be　something　in　thatto　change　to　an　idiot　for　some　few　years；　and　then　to　wake　up　a　poor　wretched　old　man；　to　recollect　my　misery　as　past；　and　die！　　Yet；　oh！　with　her；　only　a　little　while　ago；　I　had　different　hopes；　forfeited　for　nothing　that　I　know　of！　*　*　*　*　*　*　If　you　can　give　me　any　consolation　on　the　subject　of　my　tormentor；　pray　do。　　The　pain　I　suffer　wears　me　out　daily。　　I　write　this　on　the　supposition　that　Mrs。　…　may　still　come　here；　and　that　I　may　be　detained　some　weeks　longer。　　Direct　to　me　at　the　Post…office；　and　if　I　return　to　town　directly　as　I　fear；　I　will　leave　word　for　them　to　forward　the　letter　to　me　in　Londonnot　at　my　old　lodgings。　　I　will　not　go　back　there：　yet　how　can　I　breathe　away　from　her？　　Her　hatred　of　me　must　be　great；　since　my　love　of　her　could　not　overcome　it！　　I　have　finished　the　book　of　my　conversations　with　her；　which　I　told　you　of：　if　I　am　not　mistaken；　you　will　think　it　very　nice　reading。

Yours　ever。

Have　you　read　Sardanapalus？　　How　like　the　little　Greek　slave；　Myrrha；　is　to　HER！



LETTER　IV





（Written　in　the　Winter）

My　good　Friend；　I　received　your　letter　this　morning；　and　I　kiss　the　rod　not　only　with　submission；　but　gratitude。　　Your　reproofs　of　me　and　your　defences　of　her　are　the　only　things　that　save　my　soul　from　perdition。　　She　is　my　heart's　idol；　and　believe　me　those　words　of　yours　applied　to　the　dear　saint〃To　lip　a　chaste　one　and　suppose　her　wanton〃were　balm　and　rapture　to　me。　　I　have　LIPPED　HER；　God　knows　how　often；　and　oh！　is　it　even　possible　that　she　is　chaste；　and　that　she　has　bestowed　her　loved　〃endearments〃　on　me　（her　own　sweet　word）　out　of　true　regard？　　That　thought；　out　of　the　lowest　depths　of　despair；　would　at　any　time　make　me　strike　my　forehead　against　the　stars。　　Could　I　but　think　the　love　〃honest；〃　I　am　proof　against　all　hazards。　　She　by　her　silence　makes　my　dark　hour；　and　you　by　your　encouragements　dissipate　it　for　twenty…four　hours。　　Another　thing　has　brought　me　to　life。　　Mrs。　…　is　actually　on　her　way　here　about　the　divorce。　　Should　this　unpleasant　business　（which　has　been　so　long　talked　of）　succeed；　and　I　should　become　free；　do　you　think　S。　L。　will　agree　to　change　her　name　to　…？　　If　she　WILL；　she　SHALL；　and　to　call　her　so　to　you；　or　to　hear　her　called　so　by　others；　would　be　music　to　my　ears；　such　as　they　never　drank　in。　　Do　you　think　if　she　knew　how　I　love　her；　my　depressions　and　my　altitudes；　my　wanderings　and　my　constancy；　it　would　not　move　her？　　She　knows　it　all；　and　if　she　is　not　an　INCORRIGIBLE；　she　loves　me；　or　regards　me　with　a　feeling　next　to　love。　　I　don't　believe　that　any　woman　was　ever　courted　more　passionately　than　she　has　been　by　me。　　As　Rousseau　said　of　Madame　d'Houptot　（forgive　the　allusion）　my　heart　has　found　a　tongue　in　speaking　to　her；　and　I　have　talked　to　her　the　divine　language　of　love。　　Yet　she　says；　she　is　insensible　to　it。　　Am　I　to　believe　her　or　you？　　Youfor　I　wish　it　and　wish　it　to　madness；　now　that　I　am　like　to　be　free；　and　to　have　it　in　my　power　to　say　to　her　without　a　possibility　of　suspicion；　〃Sarah；　will　you　be　mine？〃　　When　I　sometimes　think　of　the　time　I　first　saw　the　sweet　apparition；　August　16；　1820；　and　that　possibly　she　may　be　my　bride　before　that　day　two　years；　it　makes　me　dizzy　with　incredible　joy　and　love　of　her。　　Write　soon。



LETTER　V





My　dear　Friend；　I　read　your　answer　this　morning　with　gratitude。　　I　have　felt　somewhat　easier　since。　　It　shewed　your　interest　in　my　vexations；　and　also　that　you　know　nothing　worse　than　I　do。　　I　cannot　describe　the　weakness　of　mind　to　which　she　has　reduced　me。　　This　state　of　suspense　is　like　hanging　in　the　air　by　a　single　thread　that　exhausts　all　your