liber amoris-第15章
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a way； and to ask for your advice and intercession。〃 He appeared satisfied； and I went on。 I had no chance either of exculpating myself； or of probing the question to the bottom； but by stating the naked truth； and therefore I said at once； 〃Sarah told me； Sir （and I never shall forget the way in which she told me； fixing her dove's eyes upon me； and looking a thousand tender reproaches for the loss of that good opinion； which she held dearer than all the world） she told me； Sir； that as you one day passed the door； which stood a…jar； you saw her in an attitude which a good deal startled you； I mean sitting in my lap； with her arms round my neck； and mine twined round her in the fondest manner。 What I wished to ask was； whether this was actually the case； or whether it was a mere invention of her own； to enhance the sense of my obligations to her； for I begin to doubt everything？〃〃Indeed； it was so； and very much surprised and hurt I was to see it。〃 〃Well then； Sir； I can only say； that as you saw her sitting then； so she had been sitting for the last year and a half； almost every day of her life； by the hour together； and you may judge yourself； knowing what a nice modest…looking girl she is； whether； after having been admitted to such intimacy with so sweet a creature； and for so long a time； it is not enough to make any one frantic to be received by her as I have been since my return； without any provocation given or cause assigned for it。〃 The old man answered very seriously； and； as I think； sincerely； 〃What you now tell me； Sir； mortifies and shocks me as much as it can do yourself。 I had no idea such a thing was possible。 I was much pained at what I saw； but I thought it an accident； and that it would never happen again。〃〃It was a constant habit； it has happened a hundred times since； and a thousand before。 I lived on her caresses as my daily food； nor can I live without them。〃 So I told him the whole story； 〃what conjurations； and what mighty magic I won his daughter with；〃 to be anything but MINE FOR LIFE。 Nothing could well exceed his astonishment and apparent mortification。 〃What I had said；〃 he owned； 〃had left a weight upon his mind that he should not easily get rid of。〃 I told him； 〃For myself； I never could recover the blow I had received。 I thought； however； for her own sake； she ought to alter her present behaviour。 Her marked neglect and dislike； so far from justifying； left her former intimacies without excuse； for nothing could reconcile them to propriety； or even a pretence to common decency； but either love； or friendship so strong and pure that it could put on the guise of love。 She was certainly a singular girl。 Did she think it right and becoming to be free with strangers； and strange to old friends？〃 I frankly declared； 〃I did not see how it was in human nature for any one who was not rendered callous to such familiarities by bestowing them indiscriminately on every one； to grant the extreme and continued indulgences she had done to me； without either liking the man at first； or coming to like him in the end； in spite of herself。 When my addresses had nothing； and could have nothing honourable in them； she gave them every encouragement； when I wished to make them honourable； she treated them with the utmost contempt。 The terms we had been all along on were such as if she had been to be my bride next day。 It was only when I wished her actually to become so； to ensure her own character and my happiness； that she shrunk back with precipitation and panic…fear。 There seemed to me something wrong in all this； a want both of common propriety； and I might say； of natural feeling； yet； with all her faults； I loved her； and ever should； beyond any other human being。 I had drank in the poison of her sweetness too long ever to be cured of it； and though I might find it to be poison in the end； it was still in my veins。 My only ambition was to be permitted to live with her； and to die in her arms。 Be she what she would； treat me how she would； I felt that my soul was wedded to hers； and were she a mere lost creature； I would try to snatch her from perdition； and marry her to…morrow if she would have me。 That was the question〃Would she have me； or would she not？〃 He said he could not tell； but should not attempt to put any constraint upon her inclinations； one way or other。 I acquiesced； and added； that 〃I had brought all this upon myself； by acting contrary to the suggestions of my friend； Mr。 …； who had desired me to take no notice whether she came near me or kept away； whether she smiled or frowned； was kind or contemptuousall you have to do； is to wait patiently for a month till you are your own man； as you will be in all probability； then make her an offer of your hand； and if she refuses； there's an end of the matter。〃 Mr。 L。 said； 〃Well； Sir； and I don't think you can follow a better advice！〃 I took this as at least a sort of negative encouragement； and so we parted。
TO THE SAME
（In continuation）
My dear Friend； The next day I felt almost as sailors must do after a violent storm over…night； that has subsided towards daybreak。 The morning was a dull and stupid calm； and I found she was unwell； in consequence of what had happened。 In the evening I grew more uneasy； and determined on going into the country for a week or two。 I gathered up the fragments of the locket of her hair； and the little bronze statue； which were strewed about the floor； kissed them； folded them up in a sheet of paper； and sent them to her； with these lines written in pencil on the outside〃Pieces of a broken heart； to be kept in remembrance of the unhappy。 Farewell。〃 No notice was taken； nor did I expect any。 The following morning I requested Betsey to pack up my box for me； as I should go out of town the next day； and at the same time wrote a note to her sister to say； I should take it as a favour if she would please to accept of the enclosed copies of the Vicar of Wakefield； The Man of Feeling and Nature and Art； in lieu of three volumes of my own writings； which I had given her on different occasions； in the course of our acquaintance。 I was piqued； in fact； that she should have these to shew as proofs of my weakness； and as if I thought the way to win her was by plaguing her with my own performances。
She sent me word back that the books I had sent were of no use to her； and that I should have those I wished for in the afternoon； but that she could not before； as she had lent them to her sister； Mrs。 M…。 I said； 〃very well；〃 but observed （laughing） to Betsey； 〃It's a bad rule to give and take； so； if Sarah won't have these books； you must； they are very pretty ones； I assure you。〃 She curtsied and took them； according to the family custom。 In the afternoon； when I came back to tea； I found the little girl on her knees； busy in packing up my things； and a large paper parcel on the table； which I could not at first tell what to make of。 On opening it； however； I soon found what it was。 It contained a number of volumes which I had given her at different times （among others； a little Prayer…Book； bound in crimson velvet； with green silk linings； she kissed it twenty times when she received it； and said it was the prettiest present in the world； and that she would shew it to her aunt； who would be proud of it）and all these she had returned together。 Her name in the title…page was cut out of them all。 I doubted at the instant whether she had done this before or after I had sent for them back； and I have doubted of it since； but there is no occasion to suppose her UGLY ALL OVER WITH HYPOCRISY。 Poor little thing！ She has enough to answer for； as it is。 I asked Betsey if she could carry a message for me； and she said 〃YES。〃 〃Will you tell your sister； then； that I did not want all these books； and give my love to her； and say that I shall be obliged if she will still keep these that I have sent back； and tell her that it is only those of my own writing that I think unworthy of her。〃 What do you think the little imp made answer？ She raised herself on the other side of the table where she stood； as if inspired by the genius of the place； and said〃AND THOSE ARE THE ONES THAT SHE PR
