liber amoris-第12章
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be a fool if she did。 If she were to accept you at present； and without knowing more of you； even I should begin to suspect that she had an unworthy motive for doing it。 Let me not forget to mention what is perhaps as important a point as any； as it regards the marriage。 I of course stated to M that when you are free； you are prepared to make her a formal offer of your hand； but I begged him； if he was certain that such an offer would be refused； to tell me so plainly at once； that I might endeavour； in that case； to dissuade you from subjecting yourself to the pain of such a refusal。 HE WOULD NOT TELL ME THAT HE WAS CERTAIN。 He said his opinion was that she would not accept your offer； but still he seemed to think that there would be no harm in making it！…One word more； and a very important one。 He once； and without my referring in the slightest manner to that part of the subject； spoke of her as a GOOD GIRL； and LIKELY TO MAKE ANY MAN AN EXCELLENT WIFE！ Do you think if she were a bad girl （and if she were； he must know her to be so） he would have dared to do this； under these circumstances？And once； in speaking of HIS not being a fit person to set his face against 〃marrying for love；〃 he added 〃I did so myself； and out of that house； and I have had reason to rejoice at it ever since。〃 And mind （for I anticipate your cursed suspicions） I'm certain； at least； if manner can entitle one to be certain of any thing； that he said all this spontaneously； and without any understood motive； and I'm certain； too； that he knows you to be a person that it would not do to play any tricks of this kind with。 I believe（and all this would never have entered my thoughts； but that I know it will enter yours） I believe that even if they thought （as you have sometimes supposed they do） that she needs whitewashing； or making an honest woman of； YOU would be the last person they would think of using for such a purpose； for they know （as well as I do） that you couldn't fail to find out the trick in a month； and would turn her into the street the next moment； though she were twenty times your wifeand that； as to the consequences of doing so； you would laugh at them； even if you couldn't escape from them。I shall lose the post if I say more。
Believe me；
Ever truly your friend；
C。 P。
LETTER XIII
My dear P； You have saved my life。 If I do not keep friends with her now； I deserve to be hanged； drawn； and quartered。 She is an angel from Heaven； and you cannot pretend I ever said a word to the contrary！ The little rogue must have liked me from the first； or she never could have stood all these hurricanes without slipping her cable。 What could she find in me？ 〃I have mistook my person all this while；〃 &c。 Do you know I saw a picture； the very pattern of her； the other day； at Dalkeith Palace （Hope finding Fortune in the Sea）； just before this blessed news came； and the resemblance drove me almost out of my senses。 Such delicacy； such fulness； such perfect softness； such buoyancy； such grace！ If it is not the very image of her； I am no judge。You have the face to doubt my making the best husband in the world； you might as well doubt it if I was married to one of the Houris of Paradise。 She is a saint； an angel； a love。 If she deceives me again； she kills me。 But I will have such a kiss when I get back； as shall last me twenty years。 May God bless her for not utterly disowning and destroying me！ What an exquisite little creature it is； and how she holds out to the last in her system of consistent contradictions！ Since I wrote to you about making a formal proposal； I have had her face constantly before me； looking so like some faultless marble statue； as cold； as fixed and graceful as ever statue did； the expression （nothing was ever like THAT！） seemed to say〃I wish I could love you better than I do； but still I will be yours。〃 No； I'll never believe again that she will not be mine； for I think she was made on purpose for me。 If there's anyone else that understands that turn of her head as I do； I'll give her up without scruple。 I have made up my mind to this； never to dream of another woman； while she even thinks it worth her while to REFUSE TO HAVE ME。 You see I am not hard to please； after all。 Did M know of the intimacy that had subsisted between us？ Or did you hint at it？ I think it would be a CLENCHER； if he did。 How ought I to behave when I go back？ Advise a fool； who had nearly lost a Goddess by his folly。 The thing was； I could not think it possible she would ever like ME。 Her taste is singular； but not the worse for that。 I'd rather have her love； or liking （call it what you will） than empires。 I deserve to call her mine； for nothing else CAN atone for what I've gone through for her。 I hope your next letter will not reverse all； and then I shall be happy till I see her；one of the blest when I do see her； if she looks like my own beautiful love。 I may perhaps write a line when I come to my right wits。Farewel at present； and thank you a thousand times for what you have done for your poor friend。
P。 S。I like what M said about her sister； much。 There are good people in the world： I begin to see it； and believe it。
LETTER THE LAST
Dear P； To…morrow is the decisive day that makes me or mars me。 I will let you know the result by a line added to this。 Yet what signifies it； since either way I have little hope there； 〃whence alone my hope cometh！〃 You must know I am strangely in the dumps at this present writing。 My reception with her is doubtful； and my fate is then certain。 The hearing of your happiness has； I own； made me thoughtful。 It is just what I proposed to her to doto have crossed the Alps with me； to sail on sunny seas； to bask in Italian skies； to have visited Vevai and the rocks of Meillerie； and to have repeated to her on the spot the story of Julia and St。 Preux； and to have shewn her all that my heart had stored up for herbut on my forehead alone is writtenREJECTED！ Yet I too could have adored as fervently； and loved as tenderly as others； had I been permitted。 You are going abroad； you say； happy in making happy。 Where shall I be？ In the grave； I hope； or else in her arms。 To me； alas！ there is no sweetness out of her sight； and that sweetness has turned to bitterness； I fear； that gentleness to sullen scorn！ Still I hope for the best。 If she will but HAVE me； I'll make her LOVE me： and I think her not giving a positive answer looks like it； and also shews that there is no one else。 Her holding out to the last also； I think； proves that she was never to have been gained but with honour。 She's a strange； almost an inscrutable girl： but if I once win her consent； I shall kill her with kindness。Will you let me have a sight of SOMEBODY before you go？ I should be most proud。 I was in hopes to have got away by the Steam…boat to…morrow； but owing to the business not coming on till then； I cannot； and may not be in town for another week； unless I come by the Mail； which I am strongly tempted to do。 In the latter case I shall be there； and visible on Saturday evening。 Will you look in and see； about eight o'clock？ I wish much to see you and her and J。 H。 and my little boy once more； and then； if she is not what she once was to me； I care not if I die that instant。 I will conclude here till to…morrow； as I am getting into my old melancholy。
It is all over； and I am my own man； and yours ever
PART III
ADDRESSED TO J。 S。 K。
My dear K； It is all over； and I know my fate。 I told you I would send you word； if anything decisive happened； but an impenetrable mystery hung over the affair till lately。 It is at last （by the merest accident in the world） dissipated； and I keep my promise； both for your satisfaction； and for the ease of my own mind。
You remember the morning when I said 〃I will go and repose my sorrows at the foot of Ben Lomond〃and when from Dumbarton Bridge its giant…shadow； clad in air and sunshine； appeared in view。 We had a pleasant day's walk。 We passed Smollett's monument on the road （somehow these poets touch one in reflection more than most military heroes）talked of old times； you repeated Logan's beautiful
